i don't think they're THAT bad .. but ok. give me a break.

You don't know how she feels, though, or what he did when she showed up. You have the word of a liar who wouldn't tell you the truth if he was keeping her around. What is important to note is that she is still in contact with him. He is ALLOWING HER TO CONTACT HIM.


Didn't you just write this:

Good luck.

yes, it's true he was lying to me. Okay, so how am I going to tell if he's lying to me now? he seems very sincere in what he's telling me. he's doing everything i'm asking him to. So given that I don't know for certain what the latest contact looks like, now what?

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. He is not the type to do this kind of thing, at all. I never would have so much as suspected he could do this, so now what? hopefully you can see my problem here.

Good luck with what? I'm crying, this is very difficult... so maybe it's not my best writing. I feel very alone and overwhelmed right now and I came here to reach out for some feedback and help, not to have the grammar police chase me down. message received, i'm trying to fix it up.

redtulip, the first thing that has to happen is all contact has to end. For example, if she has his number, he should change it. If she has his email address, he should change that too. A plan should be in place to prevent her from accosting him at work, even if he has to file a restraining order.

He can send her a no contact letter as outlined in Surviving an Affair. I will post below.

And I would strongly recommend that you move. As long as she chases him, your marriage is NOT SAFE. He had feelings for her before and those feelings CAN come back.

check this out:

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Red Tulip,
Hang in there, don't give up on this forum, you have so much to gain by being here. There are MANY veterans on here that will be along shortly to truly help you thru this incredibly traumatic time.

It's all good. Just making sure - we get some posters on here occasionally who are numbing their pain with alcohol, and they can be hard to understand.

And here is a really good radio show about a wayward husband and his wife who were getting divorced BECAUSE they did not move away from the OW. This poor betrayed wife endured YEARS of on again, off again affair with the same woman - this is WHY you have to move:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2716

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2717

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2718

As a newly betrayed spouse, this post looks much like the one I wrote a few days ago. It does take time to process information. The past is the key to the future. It took me time to understand that my husband lied to me in the past, so he is most likely lying to me now.

I also want to believe that my husband is a good man who made a mistake, but is sincere in wanting to make amends to me now and to work on building an even better marriage than the one we had. It took quite some time for me to understand the concept that I can "trust" him (to the extent that I now know that wayward husbands LIE), but I must verify.

Our marriage cannot be saved if I do not discover the ENTIRE truth and that's where I'm at right now. Why? because my husband cannot be trusted to tell me the truth. At this point, I am not questioning him, asking him for details, or anything. After all, the things he has told me were riddled with inconsistencies and nonsense. It served no useful purpose to point out his inconsistencies to him. I am working on meeting his most important emotional needs right now and I am discovering the entire truth all on my own. I can afford a private investigator, but if you can't, the vets will guide you towards other methods of discovery.

I am not an expert on any of these issues. I only know that I was sitting exactly where you are sitting right now only a few days ago, and my head was in a fog then and it is still in a fog now, but not quite as bad as it was. With the help of the vets on this forum, I know a lot more today than I knew a few days ago--and I'm still learning. I am no longer an emotional wreck riding a roller coaster. That's a huge step forward! These people are not attacking you, they are guiding you through the fog!

Hang in there!

hi redtulip. i'm sorry for your pain. MB can help you recover your marriage if both parties are willing.

you've asked how you can trust your H, and what you can expect now.

the simple answer is that you can't. and you shouldn't. blind unconditional love is NOT what makes a M. your conditions were in your wedding vows: "forsaking all others." we have a saying around here: "trust, but verify."

what can you expect now? a LOT of hard work.

the first thing you need to do is get rid of this woman, and clarify some info. you should know/find out:
who she is
where she lives and works
whether or not she is married and/or has children
that the pregnancy was indeed terminated.

your WH has told you the pregnancy has ended. and i know you want to trust him. however, keep in mind who told HIM that info: the skankyhola who is not only a skank who sleeps around with married men, but is brazen enough to publicly chase him! HER word certainly means zippo, so YOU must confirm that there is no pregnancy. you can do this in a variety of ways. her FB page, watching her to see if she starts to show, emails she's sent, etc.

the next thing you must do is go full-fledged snooping on your WH. you need a keylogger, phone spyware, the works, so you can make sure that when you get NC it is not broken. you may balk at this now, but believe me, when you're going through recovery, there will be times you feel like total crap, and being able to VERIFY that nothing is going on will help you so much mentally.

next, your WH needs to make a plan to recover your M with you. this begins with total honesty about the conditions that led to the affair, so you can implement extreme precautions about it never happening again (affair-proofing your M).

he also needs to write a NC letter to skanky, in his own handwriting. you approve and send the letter. if she breaks NC, you and WH go get a RO, immediately. skanky needs to learn a lesson here, that there are consequences for her actions.

now, you & mel didn't get off to a good start, but mel is one of our longest term experts, and what she says is golden. the path to recovery is very narrow, and saving your M from adultery is even narrower. you MUST follow every step if this is to happen for you, and what we all want for you is a great marriage! so keep reading, keep posting, and make sure you follow the steps. you'll get heaps of support here.

ps: d/l the MB radio show app on your phone. listening to the show each day is a real lifesaver when you're going through this garbage.

RT, do you have first hand knowledge of OW's marital status? Do you know this for a FACT?

Deb, that is exactly how I feel. I'm an emotional wreck and my thoughts are in a confused fog! I don't know what to think or even feel. I'm going through everything he told me with a fine toothed comb. I'm reading a lot of stuff and have the last few days. I just don't know what to think!

letty omg 'skanky' is hilarious! I have been reading about some of these precautions and have implemented some. Right now he does nothing but goes to work and comes home and I have all his passwords and access to his phone. If he has any contact with her he is to tell me immediately... and he seems compliant. we have a nc letter in place, ... my plan was this, to see what she says to him, to help me get a better idea about what is going, then have him block her, change up his contact information as needed and send the letter.

it's been informative. That's one reason i posted here today, processing this long novel of an email she sent him.

I sorta know her, and she lives alone. I feel pretty certain about that.

Who did you expose to?

Please listen to this clip of a WH that had an affair with a friend of BW. Dr. Harley tells them to move.
Radio clip about moving

So H says he was *there* when the pg was terminated and to the follow up appt so he's completely sure there is no more pg.

I know where this woman lives and her name and what she does. She's sort of out and about in the neighborhood.

I'll listen to the show for sure. I've been eating up information ... it's just a lot to take in you know? my H isn't anyone I'd expect to do this kind of thing, he's a strongly principled kinda person.

Who have you told? Your family and friends? Your WH's family and friends? Her family and friends? Your neighbor's wife's to protect their Husbands from her?

Have you read this? Exposure 101

I know you're hurting and I'm sorry for your pain.

Is your WH willing to move away?

thanks brain . I haven't told anybody because frankly I don't want anyone else to know. It's about my own comfort. If my family knew... it would break their relationship with him totally, and who wants holidays like that? His family wouldn't care because they are nuts.