It will get better! I wish I had the words to help you, but even knowing that my husband betrayed me, I still loved him and wanted to save my marriage. That was the starting point in my thought process and that's still what I want. So, I'm pulling myself together and following the advice I'm getting on this board.

Helping him keep his dirty little secret will not help you heal.

Read that link on exposure and what Dr. Harley says and listen to the radio clips on it and come back and tell us what you think.

ty deb. So much to work through... I'm glad I can think out loud here.

brain, I'll take a look at that. I feel like my mind is more or less made up on that topic though for a variety of reasons.

Redtulip,

Lots of good advice here. FYI, Deb's d-day was not that long ago and her husband is still telling lies and is in contact with OW. She has not busted up the affair yet, not started recovery in her marriage. I know there is empathy there, but Deb has not been following a plan so far. And you need a plan. Most of it has been laid out for you and it seems as though there are parts you don't want to do.

Exposure is the first step. Friends and family should know what is happening, along with a request that they support you in recovering your marriage. Interactions with your family may be strained for a time, but in the long run, if you recover your marriage, it is highly likely that relationship will recover as well. There was not one family member or friend that advised me to stay with my husband, but they respected my decision and have good relationships now.

Also, the need to move has been brought up several times, but you haven't said much about it. Will you and your husband move away from this neighborhood and OW? If not, why? If so, how soon can you make this happen? The sooner you can get this OW out of your lives, the sooner you can start marital recovery.

Finally, maybe I missed something. In your first post you said that while you were pregnant, you found out something else and left your husband for a period of time. What was it that you found out?


AM

Hi army,

I don't want to tell my family because they are conservative Christians who didn't like him because he is not a Christian. They won't get over it. *I* don't want to live with that animosity when I want and need the support of my family with my twins. When I was at my lowest with the depression, they renewed their dislike for my H all over again because I was going on and on about this and that against him. They are only now just sorta getting past THAT... its hard on me.

as far as moving, I only started thinking about it seriously as an option for a day. Our lease isn't up yet, so its not something I can do tomorrow. I need to plan it out and think about... does it make sense to sublease for 2 mos? that's how long we have.

What I left him for was that I found several pills among his things that I googled and discovered they were pain pills, obviously not prescribed to him. I completely ... how to explain this.. flipped out on him that night and the next day left and cut off contact.

ok... I'm pretty set on moving. He got to know this ow while doing his runs. It may have to wait until our lease is up though.

Has he received help for his addiction to pain pills?

No but he doesn't have an addiction to them. He told me he was venting to a friend about things who gave him a handful and that was the beginning and end of it. I asked the friend in question who admits that is what happened. ... so aside from the one incident and some sleuthing on my part I never found any reason to think he was taking them beyond that.

If you choose to not expose and continue to live next to this woman for two months it will be like enabling his affair.

Did you read what Dr. Harley says on exposure?

You need this both carrot and STICK Carrot and Stick of Plan A

yes so I'm reading up on the stuff here about exposure. I really feel that in my case it would cause me wayyy too much grief if I want to keep the marriage together.... my family would push me to divorce at every turn. The moving is what it is. We aren't rich, he just finished his program. The thing is he's not into it with the ow right now. I get keeping him away... i think I can have it so that he'll not be in her path for two months. The nice thing is he has been super responsive to my requests.

I'm reading the article you posted.

ok so I read this and I don't think exposure is appropriate in our situation. He had a fling with this woman almost 4 months ago now.

well, here's the deal for me. If I find out he's lied about the details he's told me, or he takes it up with her or anyone else again, I am gone. I told him this, and I am not kidding. Its as simple as that... I won't live this way, snooping, coming up with plans, fretting about what hes doing or feeling like if I fail to measure up watch out, he might look elsewhere. I won't do it. I'm giving him this ONE pass because of the circumstances. I'm not going to fight for him or compete for him against other women. I'm his wife, he chose to marry me and if he becomes so unhappy he needs someone else then he needs to be responsible and end it like a grown up. If he NEEDS me to expose him or do this and that so HE doesnt hook up, well I'm not interested in that relationship. i'm not responsible for that. Hes a brilliant person, he can figure it out, he knows, I told him straight up.

I don't think hes a terrible person... I love him and I believe in him and I believe he wants to be with me. The only way for us to have a happy life together though is if I feel secure... he gives me a reason to doubt that, we have nothing worth saving.

Since you won't follow the MB plans for recovery and fighting an affair.

You won't even do the first step and that's exposure. So now I see why Mel told you good luck.

Good luck with that.

We want to help you, but Dr. Harley says there's a narrow path to recovery that must be followed.

I came here to explore what I want and how I feel about things. If my H can't keep it together unless I tell my family that he had an affair.. my family who helps me with my babies and i see all the time... who will no doubt try to get me to divorce him and I know that is true.. then there is no hope for us. Thats a lose lose situation. So I get to be in the middle of a new stressful situation, have my mom and sister call me all time and look for any opportunity to talk me into leaving my H, my dad.. well who knows there.. stress out both me and my H... leading to more problems. That is supposed to keep him in line? cuz that drives him away. I've seen that in action already.

I need to read what people suggest to me who have experience and prayerfully think about it. That doesn't mean I should just DO it if I don't think its right for me or my family. this past year and a half has been one stressful happening after another... and adding this affair on top of everything else? i'm tired. Either my H toes the line and figures that out or he doesnt, and sooner we find out if hes gonna do that the better so I can move on with life.

I know u want to help me and I get there is a procedure in place here. I guess its true that im unwilling to 'go there'.

i'm 23 yrs old, I have 7 mo old twins babies, I've been married for less than a yr and half. I love my H, I am faithful to him... I know we had our rough time, very rough time, but if what I have to give to him right now is not enough there is no hope for us. If he can't be faithful to me NOW we need to part ways because there is nothing more that i have for him. That is how I feel.

Why does your family not like him so much?

Have they always felt that way about him?

they always felt that way about him because he's a non christian and we had premarital sex. They feel like he corrupted me. I love them, they are a great support in many ways, but I have to be very careful about what I choose to share about my marriage with them because they live in a different world.

Listen to all these clips.
BSs Plan C is not a Plan
Dr. Harley discusses exposure on the radio

plan C: slip up on any of my demands and I am filing for divorce.

I already have a plan in place for how thatd go. Hoping for the best, planning for the worst. I refuse to live in a humiliating limbo. I guess i'm not as confused as i thought.

hi redtulip. all of us here have at one time thought that our WSs would "never" commit adultery. we have all also been terrified of exposure. and, of course, we have all, at some point early on, felt that our relationships were different or had extenuating circumstances. sadly, none of that is true. we are all in the same boat; the boats just have different paint jobs.

you should consider the fact that you have not been married very long and your WH has already had an a. regardless of the circumstances. all of us are 50% responsible for the state of our Ms pre-a. but the WS is 100% responsible for the a. period.

right now, you are in the pre-a state of M (plan C). this is not conducive to recovery, and can lead to a FR or even another a. you do not want this.

i know you are worried about parents, but you see, parents can have a big influence in keeping the WS accountable. and if you love your WH, and he DOES commit to recovery, his actions will show your parents that he is worth the effort. all parents want what is best for their children. a repentant WS will have a great effect on how your parents treat the two of you. your parents are your support system. you need to be able to confide in them. it's perfectly fine to tell them you love him, and with your new babies and all that you want to recover your M and need their support to do so. when you talk to them like this, they will see you more as an adult, rather than as a child. you are a grown woman now with your own M.

btw, 4 months down the road is nothing in regards to exposure. it's never too late, and keeps your WH on the narrow road. please do think it over, and read some of the threads here and over in recovery to see how it goes for others. the confidence it gives you makes you a whole new person in the M, and makes your WS have a newfound respect for you. sure, they are mad in the beginning, when they think it's all about them, rather than restoring the M. but your M can survive anger. it cannot survive a relapse.