I had built a crap sundae, and infidelity was the turd topping... and I was tired of eating it.

2 choices ....

1. File for divorce.
2. Call the Harley's for coaching.

Thanks again, and REALLY leaving this thread alone, now!

Have I offended you?

I'm leaving for greener pastures

My being upset is just silly. Right? Guess my wanting to share my feelings with my husband is just weakness?

Express your feelings.
"I am having a sad day."
Or ....
"I am feeling insecure right now."

ALSO, express what you want your W to do ....
"Please hold me."
Or .....
"Come sit and just listen to me."

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Ah BV I think it is all MB related what your going through

Resentment leaves if your present is enjoyable to you, if you have something to look forward to. Resentment is nurtured by an unhappy present and if you can do something to correct the unahappy present of part your life generally speaking the resentment will take care of itself.

1 affair or 50, it's his job to win you back....

Brokenvase, I hope you don't mind me chiming in, your reflection made me think.
Dear ConstantProcess:

He's doing all the right things, but the problem is, the basic tenets of MB aren't working for me. (And by "working for me" I mean "making me feel safe").

Transparency. Got it, BUT....

If you don't want a secret, second life, just a quiet, little hobby, transparency is VERY easy to fake. Especially if you've posted on MB, read all the ways information can be gathered and know how to fly under the radar. So, the fact that I have "transparency" does not make me feel safe.


EPs. Got 'em, BUT....

At the end of the day, it's up to the individual to monitor and maintain boundaries. Some EPs are easy to "see" (e.g., no nights apart), but what about no flirting? No fantasizing? EPs that cover internal events are up to the individual. So, the fact that I have "EPs" in place does not make me feel safe.

The way I see it - if/when he takes his side seriously: protects and maintains his boundaries, meets your needs, addresses them vigorously and the way you like it, spends enough and QUALITY UA time together with you, in short, makes himself BUSY around you, he just doesn't have much time left for anything else. Neither for flirting nor fantasizing. Luckily, proper MB and this integrated lifestyle, is very time-consuming... Does he look like he has time for anything else than you or his work?



Radical Honesty. Do I have it? He says I do. BUT, I'll never KNOW....

Honesty regarding external events (e.g., personal history), is, theoretically, verifiable - you could, for example, ask another person who would know. But honesty regarding opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc.? It's 100% up to the person. Maybe the person has motivation to be dishonest (to avoid conflict, as just one example). You'd never know. And what can you do to feel safe? Ask the person? Suppose he says YES, I'm being radically honest. That shuts discussion down immediately, because if you disagree, you're making a disrespectful judgement.

Policy of Joint Agreement. Do I have it? He says I do. BUT, I'll never KNOW....

Policy of Joint Agreement hinges on radical honesty (see above). No more to say here.

His choices, opinions, feelings are his responsibility. Yours are your responsibility.

If a person fakes enthusiasm or makes sacrifices it will shoot his/her foot very soon - does your H seem resentful towards the decision that were supposedly POJAed? Do you? If resentment over those 'agreements' has started to build then you need to learn about proper POJA.

And I won't even get into the Rule of Protection. I'm struggling with a lot here. But I can't talk about it with my husband because then I will be a source of unhappiness for him, or minimally, I would make conversation unpleasant. I resent this. And now, my husband is a source of unhappiness for me.

Talking about problems in respectful way is not lovebusting if that is what you mean with rule of protection - do not lovebust and meet each others needs. Marriage is not "talking only about happy things and sucking up not so happy things", it is very often that you need to address things that make you unhappy, you just need to avoid criticism and disrespect. And NOT talking about things which make you unhappy will sadly be ... on you, because he is not a mindreader.

Complaining in Marriage

Ultimately, I think (as Pepperband pointed out, although not in these words), the only things I can do are: 1) Suck it up, shut up and roll the dice. 2) Get a divorce and live alone. 3) Get a divorce, and MAYBE, at some point, sort through all this baggage with someone else.

No guarantees with any choice.


Does your H read the MB books, visit the forum here? Leadership and Self-Deception is not MB programme..

Why not still try the Harley's coaching centre?

Sorry to be so depressing. I don't see a light; I just see darkness.

Mrs_Recon
BV

(I'm hoping to win the MB recycling award for saying the same thing the most number of different ways....)

The final truth is this, resentment doesn't just punish my wife, it is self-punishment. It is self abuse.

Resolve it, refuse it.

An excellent radio clip on resentment.

The BW found out her WH had an affair for 7 years with an OW from work and she the OW was having affair/s with 4 OM at the same time. The WH wants his BW to just "get over it".

Radio Clip on Resentment

BV you should start your own thread in recovery. You seem like you have a lot of questions and I think people would be more apt to answer them on your own thread.

ATTENTION --- NEW QUESTION:
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How much/quickly/completely does resentment kill what remains in the love bank