Letty, I hear you on the aging thing. In fact I just made a very similar comment to a friend the other day. Why didn't my mom ever tell me about this stuff?! Of course now I realize that she was probably learning and experiencing the same kinds of things when I was still young enough not to ever think about it. In my mind, aging was ages away! As a 55 year-old woman I can now relate.

Yes, our bodies do change even if we remain young at heart. I am surprised by things too, like whoever thought about dry wrinkled elbows or ears appearing to grow larger? Those cute dangling earrings now pull down sagging lobes so I have to be careful on how heavy they are. And what's happening to my lip line? There are a ton of products out there for us women to hide or disguise signs of aging and if you have the money you can keep up the fight a good long time if it's important to you. I've always appeared much younger than I am, but it's catching up to me now. **shrug**

Sex has never been an issue in our marriage (well except or the time he was wayward) but now it's slowing down. But what we've discovered as we both age that it is sweeter and more meaningful than when we were younger. We've had to find ways to work around some physical issues but we do and giggle like teenagers about some of our new adventures. We're both aging but so is our love. I've decided that I will grow old gracefully and with dignity-- not kicking and screaming about it. It just is what it is and there's not a lot we can do about it. This is one of the reasons it is so important to maintain that romantic love in our marriage. When the looks are gone, and our bodies betray us, there is still the connection of true, deep, abiding love. As long as we seek to make our spouses happy and meet each others needs, the love will remain in spite of the physical aspects.

I think our grown children would be surprised to learn how mom and dad still have that sexual connection. As we age, there are things we can do to enhance our lovemaking. I've found that I don't always "O" these days but when it happens, I still feel the earth move under my feet. but even if it doesn't, the experience is still sweet and enjoyable because we both strive to please the other. Dr. H has it right. I also had a partial hysterectomy when I was much younger but it never really effected my desire. Or maybe it brought it down to a level of normalcy and I just didn't know it.

My point I think is that it is pretty much guaranteed that our bodies and looks will age. Embrace it and find new ways to experience this new stage of life. Real beauty has always been internal. Neither my husband nor I may attract others anymore (not that we would know or care anyway) but we are still attracted to each other. I still see him as that 26 year old guy dancing disco on the dance floor, long dark hair flowing, when the reality is he's a 63 year old grandfather with long flowing silver hair (who still loves to dance) but whose health is declining, I'm sure he still sees me as that 19 year old hot bleached blond wild child when the reality is I'm a 55 year old mother of four adults and grandmother of six with silver "highlights", who has trouble with her knees, rheumatoid arthritis, and fibro myalgia. Sometimes I have to remind him of that and Peter Pan (my husband) says, eh, you're as young as you feel (at the moment). Riiiigghhtt. Lol!

For perspective, my husband had colon cancer about three years ago. We just went back to his oncologist today because we suspect the cancer is back and has metestasized (sp?) in other areas of his body. Knowing what may be in our future has brought us even closer. Cancer is not pretty but it in no way lessens my attraction for him. We intend to enjoy life even more.

Grow old gracefully and with dignity. I feel sorry for women and men who have fought so hard with plastic surgery and now look like distorted versions of themselves. That is sad to me. Along with age comes wisdom and the realization that the things we found so important in our youth just aren't anymore. At the end of the day what matters is your relationships with the people that count and more importantly, with God.

There's a different kind of beauty and dignity that is attainable even when our bodies age. And for those of us who find ourselves alone through no fault of our own, we can still be beautiful. My grandmother had seven children and her husband died when her children were very young. She never remarried or even dated as far as I know but she remained one of the most beautiful women I know until the day she died at age 96.

That woman you see when you look in the mirror is still a beautiful woman. You may be aging but that doesn't mean you've lost the battle. Expect changes and embrace new ways of doing things. Handle yourself with dignity and grace and your beauty will shine through no matter your age.

Sorry for the book, lol, but this is a topic that has been on my mind lately. I'm glad you brought it up.

I didn't mind getting older, not so much; I just hate the "becoming invisible" part. It's like people just don't see me anymore.

Some of this may be the American culture (possibly.) I noticed when living in other cultures that men don't seem to take age into account quite as much.

When we lived in Portugal, the men actually looked at me, while here in the US, I barely get a glance. Not sure why that is.

There's a noticeable difference in the movies made in the US Hollywood style and foreign films. I LOVE foreign films because the movies aren't quite so focused on only having the young and the beautiful play in romantic parts. Often, the females in foreign films are rather ordinary-looking. Here in the US, movies are often made with a 60-something year old male actor, like Harrison Ford paired with a 30-ish year old woman. Sheesh.

I still color my hair--every 3 weeks, as I just don't like the idea of the gray hair. I mean I'm about 75% gray, taking after my dad who grayed in his early 40's. I am still fit and energetic, but oh, what IS that thing I call my neck? It's kind of wrinkled; it's the neck of a 50-something year old woman. Yikes!

But what I love about this stage is the confidence that comes with the years of experience. It's having the freedom to not be a "people pleaser." It's those darling grandchildren who adore me wrinkles and all.

The years melt away, though, when H and I are together in bed. Somehow he acts as though the wrinkles and bad morning hair don't even exist. When we are together in that way, he doesn't see any of the aging.

Hurray for Marriage Builders! A romantic passionate marriage is what keeps me young at heart.

That is very beautiful, princessmeggy.

I'm sorry about your H's health

When people say that adultery is more painful than losing a child they are NOT saying they would rather lose a child than suffer adultery if given a choice. That is a ridiculous assumption that is painful to read.

We are only saying that on the scale of trauma, one is more painful than the other. I would suffer 100 affairs if it brought my dead son back to me.

I guess I'm a little late in responding to your rant about aging, but I sure can relate!!!

It's really started hitting me the last 6-9 months and I'm VERY frustrated. I talked to my gyn about some of it and she gave me a prescription - not for hormones - but for a "device," lol. NO: not a sex toy - but something that is supposed to help things function better. I've NEVER had a problem in that area until recently - very frustrating for someone that's HD. I haven't ordered it yet - it's $500. I've been wondering about bioidentical hormones lately and whether I should check them out.

And...I have been undergoing treatment lately for 3 herniated disks in my upper spine - not fun! I am now at the chiropractor's office every day for traction. I can't work out, can't do a lot of stuff around the house (or out of it) and it is EXTREMELY frustrating. I'll admit, it's getting me down.

You're right, Letty, no one prepared me for being 46!!! LOL

lalalala /fingersinears. I don't want to hear about getting old, it isn't going to happen to me. Ha.

SunnyD I know your H is younger than you too, does that make you feel younger or does it make you feel older? I think 'older' for me, because I feel like the 'old wife' instead of the hot younger wife. If you are younger, no matter what age you are, you are always 'younger', right? I sometimes think I have a little complex about this. But I seem to have a little complex about lots of things these days...

You know, UW, the only time it has ever bothered me (H being 3 years younger) is during/because of the A. H's AP was a few years younger than him, which made me like 5-6 years older than her. Now, that's really not all that much - compared to someone having an A with a 20 year old - but it still bothered me.

Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all because I've always been the less serious of the two of us - so - I'm the "fun" one. LOL Does that make sense???

But..occasionally - like lately with the health issues - I hate than I am older, and worry about falling apart sooner than he does! LOL

I am 6 yrs older than H. Both his OW's were his age, so 6 yrs younger than me also. I wasn't intimidated by that with regards to them though. Just in general, I guess. The fact that some of H's friends are married to women in their 20's, and I am 40... I am a beautiful 40, and am told all the time I do not look my age, but still, I am still older looking than a 20 something year old! Fortunately for me, H is very advanced in his career for his age and as such, many of his friends are my age or older with wives that are my age or older, so that is generally the benchmark, if there needed to be one. All in all though, I think if I had married someone my age or older I would ALWAYS feel beautiful and sexy and young, no matter what age I was. Vs now I sometimes feel beautiful and sexy and...mature, like the oldest one in the crowd ya know?

However, that all said. I do look young for my age. I def ACT young for my age. Not purposely just naturally. I am pretty active and the older I get the more that stands out as part of what keeps me youngish. When people who haven't known us from the beginning find out how old I am, or about the age difference, they are shocked. Many think I am same age or younger than H! So that is good!

A couple weeks ago we went out to eat with my entire family. I sat at the end of the table. The waitress didn't card my brother, SIL, sister, H, and then she got to me and carded me! Always feels good to get carded at our age ya?

He has had health problems and seems to be falling apart at the seams, I would say I am the healthier fitter of the two of us. Not that I would wish that on him, of course! And he has been getting a lot of grey hair (which I have, shhhh! underneath my...what color is it now...dark brown with a splash of red I guess). I think his grey hair is totally sexy!!!

IDK I was just wondering how you felt about that, in regards to this 'aging' conversation amongst us 40 somethings.

Oh lord, lets not measure the age factor by grey hair because I started having to color my grey at 23, NO kidding!!! Premature grey runs in my family. My brother was 75% grey by 30. I haven't seen my natural hair color in YEARS, lol.

I guess mentally I have not worried too much about being a bit older than Mr. Sunny because of my own parents. My dad is 9 years older than my mother but you would never know it! My mom has seemed much older than him my whole life - in her actions and attitudes as well as physically. My dad is still very active where my mom is not - despite being so much younger. So, I've always taken actual age with a grain of salt.

Having said that, now that you mention it - I do feel younger and more attractive when I'm around people older than me vs younger than me. Hmmmm..... Although I guess it isn't too much of a factor because being in classes with younger people, they all like me better than the other "older" students.

thanks, everyone, for your comments on aging. it's a tough row to hoe sometimes, and it's nice to know i'm not alone! did i mention the falling-out eyelashes on the bottom eyelids? or the dark patch under my left eye? lol, at least clinique has a good "redness solutions" cream that is helping with the dark patch, and they also make a very good little mascara for bottom eyelashes that pulls them out from where you think there are none!

i think i stay "young" because of the kids (at school). staying "hip" is important in being able to connect with them. on a side note, i wore my hair up and covered with a knitted hat the other day, which i wore like a snood (cold, rainy & windy makes me frizz). i got several compliments from the boys!

PM, i'm so sorry to hear about your H. have you gotten the test results yet? i surely hope it is not C. you both are in my thoughts.

i haven't posted lately for a couple of reasons. 1) waaaay too busy at work. two more weeks and my extra-curricular activities are finished for the year - yahoo! that'll be a lifted burden, and i can have my lunch hours back again for preparation for exams for my senior students.

also (2), things are going very well in M-land. H and i are much closer, and so much more affectionate. i have noticed that the more UA time we get, the more it oozes into "regular" life, and the more loved up i feel, the less crappy i feel. when i'm not feeling all loved up, the littlest things can make me crazy, you know? he's doing good work with our daughter, and is investing heavily into our home. we are working the programme every day.

however, i've also been having a hard time reading the other forum lately, and sometimes think it's hindering my recovery (triggers), so i've been taking a bit of a breather and just hanging with my regular-posting threads.

the diabetes is going ok - i meet with the lifestyle nurse each fortnight, and they've ordered me a blood testing machine thingie so i can monitor my levels closely. i've radically changed my diet, and the nurse was very pleased to see how serious i am. i lost a kg in the first 10 days - here's hoping for more! i find that if i don't eat little meals all day i get dizzy, shaky, and messed up. while i miss my tootsie rolls and muffins, i've been dabbling with cooking with whole wheat flour and without sugar, and it hasn't been too bad. i have found, however, that the drug companies have an insidious presence in diabetic-related publications/websites, promoting recipes that aren't "good" and are aimed at keeping people on diabetic medication rather than improving their eating habits. :O( thank goodness i am a good cook, and can play around with my own recipes.

oh - the nurse also explained to me how diabetes can interfere with the blood flow "down there," which inhibits orgasm. i'm looking forward to seeing how well my new eating habits deal with that little sitch!

it's a gorgeous day here today. i hope you all are having a good weekend too.

ps: sunny, is your F new??? congratulations!

it is our anniversary this week, and H has just surprised me with a spa pool for our house! we have talked about having one for a very (very) long time. i am very excited. we often go to our local hot pools for a private spa, so it'll pay for itself quick smart.

tomorrow we are spending our yard work time clearing up the area where it will go. thank goodness it's not supposed to rain again until monday. i'm looking forward to being able to soak my aches and pains away! and i'm sure H is looking forward to some naked time, lol.

Ahhh...Letty....so glad to hear you are doing well!!!!

I agree with you on the recipes and drug companies wanting to keep people on meds. I've realized lately that I need to focus on cooking more with good, healthy ingredients.

You know what? I'm thinking you could perhaps check into the device that was recommended by my doc, lol. It is supposed to work on just what you mentioned. I'll have to find you a link. lol

I think at times we all take a break here or there from the forum, and it's wise to do so when you feel it necessary as part of your own recovery. Of course, others DO benefit from hearing from those of us that are in recovery and worked the program to end their spouse's waywardness. I've gotten pretty good at knowing when I am in the right mindset to help and when I need to back off for a bit. I think you'll find that as well.

Happy Anniversary!!! The pool spa sounds awesome!

As for my "F" - it IS new on my signature. I've used it here or there in posting but I've refrained from using it until now on my siggie. I have kinda felt I wanted to wait til the 2 year mark. However, I feel very safe in my marriage now - and it IS better than ever - and I really do feel all the cruddy stuff is in the past and the F earned.

sunny, thanks so much for adding your start to recovery link to your thread. i have read it, and it was such a relief to read the same kind of experiences, to know we (BS) are the same and not alone! near the end you talked about recovery threads, and i was thinking...is there a thread in SAA devoted to exposure?

what i mean by that is: getting over the fear of doing it, and the results? so often new members who are hurting so bad are paralyzed with fear and will not expose, until the a is so entrenched that exposure doesn't have the same effect because the WS is becoming hardened.

a thread devoted to how we exposed and it's positive results for the BS would be helpful, do you think? you and rainy come immediately to mind, of course, but i am sure there are many others! even though my own exposure was small (no ILs and like, because i don't have any), it certainly was effective. exposure really is the best weapon in the a-fighting arsenal, and it saddens me that so many wait until their gunpowder supply is so low. but most importantly is the massive boost in confidence for the BS that exposure brings.

i'd just like to add that H is doing great with DD. he really went out of his way to make sure she had a good new car after her hit & run, and is communicating with her on a daily basis.

on the consequences front, he had a run-in with my sister this past week. she had a car problem, and being a stirrer, like he is, he put a smartie-pants comment on her fb page about it. her response was: "WS, i wouldn't be such an expletive to your wife's sister when you've been such an expletive to MY sister!" he was quite unhappy with her reply, but i told him: consequences, mister!

ok, i'm off to clean up the back yard where the new spa pool is going!

We actually had rainysweet add her exposure experience to the exposure thread and many others have added to the end of their experience.

I can't remember if I ever posted in the exposure thread. I know my recovery post - touting exposure - was put on the thread for newly betrayeds though.

The problem with a thread devoted to a specific topis is that it needs to keep getting bumped to the top so new posters can see it when they need it.

Letty, I didn't know that about the eyelashes. Hrm.

Congratulations on your anniversary and your spa pool. And your naked time...

And congratulations SunnyD on your F's. MB is probably the only place people strive for an F.

True - very true - about the F! lol

I've noticed my eyelashes aren't as great as they once were, but nothing significant thus far.

Dr. OZ had some shows last week about help with aging stuff. Maybe we all need to check out his site!

time for an update i suppose! sunny, did you remember the device your doc mentioned?

anniversary dinner was fab. two days prior, H texted me to make a booking at the italian place. that warmed my heart, as he hates italian food. here's a funny story:

when we first moved here i was desperate for something "good" to eat. got H to go italian (the *only* italian restaurant in our town). when we got there, i asked the waiter if chef would make something not on the menu. i asked for gnocchi. H ordered steak, "well done."

chef came out and talked with me at length about food & wine. he personally served up the gnocchi, and it was amazing. a little while later, he came out with Hs steak.

"i cannota cooka the steak any more!" ::slams dish on table & walks away::

i about psml!

anyhow, H always orders the fish now. this time i had gnocchi with blue-veined gorgonzola & walnuts, a side salad, and H and i split some rosemary & garlic pizza bread. i also had 1 glass of chianti. then i got really bad and ordered the tiramisu for dessert (H had the chocolate torte). very, very naughty! and i'm still paying for it, but dayum, i enjoyed every single bite!

back to whole wheat everything now, and no cheese, cream, etc. i've even gone to buying my own milk for the staffroom (morning tea time), because we are often out of slim and there's only whole-fat (indie will know what i mean. most people here prefer "real" milk in their tea/coffee - so it's odd we're always out of slim!).

other than that, food is going well. it wasn't really all that hard to get back to proper healthy eating, and the cravings for sweets have really dropped off. if they come up, i just stuff myself with fruit. it's winter, so i'm limited to apples, oranges, mandarins, and pears. did you know bananas are considered a starch? at least, the way i like them: not quite ripe. i hate nanas with spots. i'm losing about 1lb/week.

i came across a baking sugar substitute called...erm...splenda? that may not be right. it says to measure the same as sugar, so if you want to cook something with 1/2c sugar, you use 1/2c of it. HOWEVER, i am very confused. the front of the box (160g) says "the same amount of sweetness as 1kg sugar!" well, if a mere 160g = 1kg of sweetness, that sounds WAYYYY to sweet for me! and 160g =/= 1c sugar! and $10.95 for 160g, i don't think i'll try that. if anyone else knows about this thing, i'd like to hear your experiences with it. i was thinking about making some toll house cookies with it, with carob chips. but i guess that's a former pleasure!

spa pool shows up tuesday, so hopefully we can be in it by weds!

well, H has just gotten home from work, so i'd better sign off and get ready to go into town. i hope you all have a good weekend.

ps: as a side note that probably should have been the headline, this is the first anniversary i've looked forward to in 5 years! yay!

SOOOO glad you had a great anniversary!!!

I don't have my paperwork from the doc's office handy so I'll have to find it - on the device. After googling, this MAY be it:
http://www.eros-therapy.com/index.cfm?optionid=530