I think everyone's healing timeline may be different. Some people wait 1 year some 2 and some less than that, and some more.

HAve you read the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? That is an excellent book to read before dating.

How are you doing?

...how do you know when it's ok to date again?

Well, you'd have to figure out where you are emotionally and socially.

Would you be in a place within yourself that would give you freedom to experience your companion for herself?

Would you be free enough of xWW's presence so that it did not intrude. (In other words, was your residual LB$ for her truly zero?)

I've heard people say that recovering BSs should not consider getting serious until they've dated thirty(!) other folks. That seems somewhat arbitrary and stilted, but the point is that the factors I listed above will NOT be 100% in place until being honed by experience.

I'm not certain of your branch, but sometime in your military career you took rifle training. It would have been remarkable if your skill was at its peak the first time you hit the range.

Anyway, there is a "Dating" Board here at MB. These kinds of questions are discussed there with a great deal of cameraderie, from what I've seen.

The dating board is gret. I love reading about people moving on. Indies thread there is so encouraging.

I met my dh a year and 3 months after d-day and we married 11 weeks later. I had been divorced almost exactly a year. We have been married 2 years and three months and it is AMAZING. There is life after infidelity.

I've been told that Dr Harley recommends waiting 2 years.
But the bigger question is why date when you have kids?
Remarriages have an 85%. Failure rate.
Personally I've decided not to date and to just focus on me and the kids.

BH,

I'm doing well. The kids and work keep me busy. I don't really have too much time to do things on my own. That's one of the downfalls of not having a partner to share responsibilities with, but I'm grateful to have my children. I haven't read the book, but I think I'll look into it. Thanks for the reply.

GJM,

Can you start a thread in the Divorced forum?

I'm also divorced and I have full custody of 3 kids 10, 8, 7.
There are other divorced people with kids and more advice there too.

Thanks NG...Good to hear from you. 30 dates does seem like a lot. My WxW isn't concerned about my personal life. Our relationship is at it's best. We don't talk much and haven't had any major problems. She's still struggling with trying to get herself together, but doesn't seem to mind. I can't live like that. I have to have purpose and goals. I'm removed from her situation so it doesn't affect me and I feel pretty good about myself. I'll check out the dating forum, but I have been here so long, I feel like I belong here. Thanks again.

Congratulations on your new marriage. It's encouraging to see others have success after going through so much emotional pain and stress.

That's a good question. I can answer for myself. I have focused on the kids for the last year and 4 months. I miss having a companion to share my day with and talk to about the things that go on with me. I enjoy my kids, but they are older and want their own space. I have friends, but most are married and I don't like to intrude. I also don't like bars or clubs so that doesn't leave me with many options. There's nothing wrong with the decision you made. I commend you on that. For me though, I'm ready to interact again and see where it goes. I understand the statistics, but I'm sure those people haven't been to Marriage Builders. I'm not ready for marriage at this point, but if the time comes, I will be using Marriage Builders to guide me.

Interesting mis-alignment...but a telling revelation, GJM.

Would you be free enough of xWW's presence

My WxW isn't concerned about my personal life. Our relationship is at it's best.

I was not alluding to physical presence, or even presence in your day-to-day existence via communication. I meant to imply, I suppose, "presence" in the sense of your being aware of her qualities and essence (good and otherwise). Having your mutual relationship be described (your words) as "at its best" is precisely the wrong orientation for you to have the freedom to fairly deal with other women. WxW should be a non-entity to you.

Doesn't sound like you're quite ready yet.....

Very similar to my reasoning. I was raised by a mom who never even dated after her divorce. She was so scarred from the marriage she just focused on us and supporting us and that was it. 28 years later she did remarry. A family friend whose wife died. They are going on 12 years and VERY happy.

So I lived that life. Mom raising us, not even dating. I did admire it and it did make our life simpler in many ways, but more difficult in others. I wanted a companion and I didn't want to wait until I was 60 to have that. As an aside, I now get to keep homeschooling and being a SAHM...the very real truth is that I would have had to go back to work eventually and that would have meant less time with my ds. Everyone's situation is different and our needs are different.

Come on over to the divorced and dating thread! Indie's thread is so fun right now.

Here's the link to a great little synopsis of the book, thread started by Pepperband. Here

Also, I've heard Dr. Harley say that in cases where the man has custody of the children and a woman comes in to his life who has NO children, that can work out better than the other way around.

He says that it's working out the POJA in blended families that makes them so difficult and prone to fail, but it can be done. He has counseled with a poster named "Optimism" who has custody of his children to a woman with no children. They have a wedding date set and are armed with all the right MB tools.

Perhaps BH has those links to the radio show at her fingertips?

At the point where you re-marry, though, Dr. Harley advises the previously-married to end all direct communication with their X-spouses.

GJM, so glad to hear from you. You don't need to stop posting here, in SAA, but I hope you read in D&D at minimum.

I think there are a lot of factors involved in dating after a divorce, and especially for a BS. This is probably a good time for you to consider what type of woman you would be looking for, what traits she should have, what your ENs would be, etc. Be very wary however, because your ENs have gone unmet for a long time, and you may jump at the first woman that seems to meet those ENs.

I, like NG believe that your description of your relationship with your WxW shows more clearly than anything else that you are not quite ready to date.

Another consideration is how long you would date someone before you introduce them to your children.

Opt is married now. He shares custody with his ex wife.

Hmmm...maybe I didn't communicate that right. "At it's best" means ideal for me. I have minimal contact and don't have any episodes of sadness when thinking of or dealing with my wxw. She actually is a non-entity to me. I am at peace with myself.

That is what I got out of your comments. Glad you are feeling good.

Hey Scotty! Thanks for the advice as always. I'll check out the other forum. I'll be sure to take one step at a time and not move too quickly.

Some times it's hard to paint the picture when typing, but I understand what you all have said and I'll be sure to stay aware of what I'm feeling. Thanks

Just to be clear I understood you to mean what you clarified that you did mean. I can see that you are ready to move forward. That comes sooner for some than for others.

My first meetup/date was three weeks after my D was final and it was GREAT!!! Not looking for "The One" but is was nice to get out and have male companionship again. Don't over think it.