The answer to your question is, it depends on if you can be motivated to do it.

Many of us have tried to get through the program on our own, failed to stick with it, and that's where the accountability program comes in; they help motivate you to go through it. Other people have done it on their own.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html

I would say, both of you, throw yourselves into this. It sounds like you are doing the reading. Supplement that with the radio show, the articles on this site.

Read and post on some other people's threads, and listen closely if we chime in and tell you you are mistaken about something. This is a great way to make sure you are getting the program understood correctly.

Finally -- are the two of you following Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention? Are you spending 15+ hours per week alone together, with no kids (who are awake), at a time when your energy is highest, giving each other your undivided attention, meeting the intimate emotional needs of recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment? Is it the best part of your week, for both of you? Following this policy faithfully is the single best predictor of your success.

KGaa12,

Google Retroactive Jealousy.... although not directly on point for you and your situation, you may find some assistance concerning insecurity. For those of us in therapy for this OCD, you will find the many articles insightful, I'm sure. Good Luck.

Hey, KGaa,

One of the most important things you need to do in recovery, as a husband, is to get your wife to fall in love with you again. When she is in love with you you will be amazed at the changes. It is very hard for a wife to meet her husband's emotional needs when she is not in love; but when she is in love, her hormones prompt her to go after it!!

So this burden tends to fall on husbands of all stripes, in all marriages, whether they were unfaithful or whether their wives were unfaithful. And even in marriages where infidelity hasn't entered the picture.

A lot of us guys have a lot of trouble with this.

One of the most important things for your wife falling in love with you (and vice versa, actually) is to have good, intimate conversation. Intimate conversation talks about personal details of your life, and it has to be pleasant and enjoyable for both husband and wife. Even if it is not a top need for one or both of you, it needs to be there or the two of you will not be in love. And even if it is not a top need, it still needs to be enjoyable, because if it is not enjoyable you won't be motivated to do a lot of it, and you will avoid it, or treat it like a "chore," which will keep it from meeting the actual need your wife feels.

Dr. Harley has a concept called "friends and enemies of good conversation." This concept is a guide to help clueless husbands (and sometimes wives) make conversation enjoyable and fulfilling. There are four "friends" of good conversation, things you need to try to do in order to make the conversation enjoyable. There are four "enemies" of good conversation, things you need to avoid AT ALL COSTS because they will make the conversation miserable instead of enjoyable and fulfilling.

The goal is to feel romantic love for each other for a lifetime. To do that, you have to deposit love bank units. A major component of the plan to do that is enjoyable, fulfilling intimate conversation.

I strongly encourage you to read the friends and enemies of good conversation in His Needs Her Needs. If you have Dr. Harley's workbook, there is a conversation feedback form that the two of you can exchange weekly in order to be able to let each other know what enemies, if any, are cropping up, and what friends (if any?) you are hitting. I strongly encourage you guys to get that form and start exchanging it weekly.

And make sure you are spending fifteen hours a week alone, in person, engaged in this kind of conversation. You will find this recommendation mentioned from Dr. Harley, in His Needs Her Needs.

This is crucially important!

To sum up: learn, review, and practice the "friends and enemies of good conversation" so that your wife enjoys and looks forward to conversation with you. This is crucial for recovery!

Thanks for all the replies. I will focus on the areas of His Needs Her Needs realted to conversation. We have been making it a point to spend quality time together. I will take the advise given here and keep better track of that so we ensure the proper amount of time is being given. My wife has posted and it made me very happy to see that she is reaching out for help in irder to save our marriage. She has always been very reluctant in her life to lean on others for help and this is no different. I'm sooo happy that she is using these resources (it shows me that she wants this). We are reading Love Busters and following the workbook sections as applicable. I still feel that maybe the online program would be easier to follow in a structured way, but the cost is just no feasible now. We'll see how doing it on our own goes before I take that leap. Thanks again and I will continue to post as things come up as I hope she does. I know on her post she is very concerned on how to rebuild her realtionship with her oldest daughter. Does anyone feel the bokk His Needs/Her Needs (Parents) could help in this fashion?

KGaa, let me add that I can tell that you are having a problem with one of the enemies of good conversation, so give them all special attention.

Regarding the cost of the accountability program: I think you'd find it to be well worth it, and I hope you can do it some day! But in the meantime, I hear you guys are listening to the radio show, which is very good. Get educated!

Regarding your daughter: Dr. Harley recommends that in order to meet the emotional need of family commitment, that you spend fifteen hours a week together as a family, and during this time you are teaching your children your values, and the biggest value he suggests teaching your children is thoughtfulness.

But you will find that building a healthy loving relationship with each other is probably the most important thing you can do for your daughter.

You will also find that your daughter is growing up and the time is fast approaching when she will make her own decisions. To a great extent, you are going to have to let her.

Yes, His Needs Her Needs For Parents has some good stuff for you about parenting. Basically, parent using the policy of joint agreement! Start with a problem (relationship breakdown with your daughter) and solve it together using Dr. Harley's four guidelines to successful negotiation (this will involve lots of respectful communication and brainstorming over a possibly long period of time, and possibly some experimentation). You will come up with better solutions (and thus be better parents) than either of you could have been on your own.

You might also check out this article:

Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other

One of the most important things for your wife falling in love with you...is to have good, intimate conversation...So this burden tends to fall on husbands of all stripes, in all marriages, whether they were unfaithful or whether their wives were unfaithful. And even in marriages where infidelity hasn't entered the picture. A lot of us guys have a lot of trouble with this.

A bull's-eye, if there ever was one.

If I had the ability to imprint a single thought into the mind of every groom, as he swaps the "I do's" at his wedding, it would be, "Talk to your wife. A lot. Even when she doesn't want to talk to you."

I will focus on the conversation end of our relationship and continue with our reading material. As stated before I struggle most with the "visions" of the physical part of the A. Intimatcy was a large and sacred part of our relationship in my mind and the worst thing that could have happened is my beautiful wife being a part of someone elses world. It tears at me in the worst of ways. I'll keep pressing on. I appreciate the help.

KGaa,

Those painful thoughts will fade as you heal, and you will heal as you follow the program.

But if the painful thoughts are so strong that they make it hard to follow the program (for example, if you lash out at your wife, or refuse to be around her, or if you aren't enjoyable to be around) Dr. Harley recommends you consider asking your doctor to prescribe antidepressants for a period of time. That helps keep you rational and even enough to think clear headedly and follow the recovery plan, and then you won't need them.

I am a BS and know exactly where you are coming from. This is why I personally did not press for all the gory details of FWW�s A. They get burned into your brain forever. But, that is just me.

We are almost 7mo�s into our R and I can tell you that if your W truly steps up to the plate here and does the right things, you can form a stronger bond then you have ever had. Obsessing on the details will eat you up my brother. It does get easier with time once you learn live in the �now�. Not easy. Not easy AT ALL. I struggle with it too.

If you have spend any time on this forum and have read some of the FWW�s posts here concerning their A's (the ones out of the fog), you will realize that what she had with the POSOM, was nothing more than a lie. A relationship based on nothing more than a fantasy. It wasn�t real. What you have with her IS REAL.
Makes me sick to think about my FWW giving herself to another but I have her NOW and forever.

I won.


Don�t be too hard on yourself at this stage. Things are so fresh for you now. Believe me, I know. Incorporating MB�s into your lives and following the program exactly as outlined will give you the best chance to survive this.
Some of us tend to put too much pressure on ourselves to heal. Remember, marathon not a sprint!

Be true to yourself my man. Keep your boundaries and expectations for yourself HIGH. She will respect you for it.

It just infuriates me that some humans that call themselves a �man� can attack a M. Anyone who is a real man knows the guy code is that you NEVER mess with another man�s woman. Period. Anyone who does is a POS with NO honor. A waste of space on this earth.

Depending on what rational/irrational perspective you are coming from, I will say they can prove very very helpful. And they are not a big deal.

KGaa12 your story struck a nerve with me and I so emphasize with your pain and want to give you my encouragement!

You are at the right place these guys have been right where you are and are so good at guiding you down R road!
Stick to the plan it works! I stopped coming to MB for a while and as D-Day +1YR. loomed I ran back! Stay connected to this great life line.

What I have come to understand is each individual has to decide on how much info is enough for them.

It seems to move agonizingly slow but the images do move out from the fore front of your mind as you implement Dr. Harley's plan.

Find YOUR way of coping that works for you in the confines of the MB way.
This pain has multiple wounds. As one heals another rises up to torment you. What drove me start posting on MB was just what you posted.
The high-definition images in my head were starting to inter fear with the R FWW was starting with me.

What I discovered worked for me was to double down on meeting FWW's EN and by doing this I found my mind was able to look forward and not always backwards.

I also found answers from scripture Proverbs chapters 5-6-7-30 taken with FWW's honest answers to my hard questions worked for me. There again what works for "YOU" is what you have to find. Good luck, stay here and hold on!

I wanted to take the time to write to you again.

I�ve followed your thread and posted on here and on your wife�s thread. I want to say that you are embarking on something that I, and many, probably would not do: that being R. I look at a marriage as a team membership whereby each member has an arsenal of nuclear weapons at their disposal, and can push the button or threaten to push the button at any time. Your W pushed the button. Whether it be real or threatened, the melt down or virtual melt down occurred. Now you and your W are going back in to clean up the devastation. Good luck. I think by using the MB principles you stand the best chance of make a thriving farm or ranch from the waste land that was created. You are at least trying something that I probably would not attempt.

You comment about visions. Some visions may never truly go away. Many people in different walks of life have learned to deal with these visions. You will learn to realize when they are coming, and can let them flood in, or find and learn ways to strangle them. Maybe they will die eventually, but I think there will always be events that ignite these visions for which you need to be prepared. Time helps. Again Good Luck !!

Thanks again to all that have taken their time to provide insight. WW and I are currently reading Love Busters and using workbook. I have been trying everyday not to mention the A to W. It's very hard. I atruggle with the fact when something so painful happens in your life you tend to look to your spouse for comfort....well thats tough to do when she was the cause of it. Anyway, we r working to spend time together and keep at the MB program daily. She has scheduled an appointment for STD check...we have backes off feom intimantcy until then. WW says she feels "dirty" in a sense and she can tell I look at her in that way....I told W that the test is out of respect for me cuz no matter what she thought of OM, she can onlu expect me not to have an ounce of trust in him and where he's been in life...again thanks for the continued help......

This might be a good series to listen with your W.

An excellent show that the Harley's talked to the BW and WH. You could still hear the resentment (understandably so) in the BW's voice. Also Dr. Harley explains how if he didn't live by his EP's he would've been just like the WH.

Radio Clip on a BW and WH married for 38 years and he had an affair for 8 years
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Segment #5

Doing ok day to day...Trying to read, read l, read and spend time with WW. We have spent more time together doing different things than wver before. I continue to do my checks and balances....One question I have is related to exposure? A has been exposed to most people surrounding us, this was done upon discovery....there is one person that is unaware of the A and that is brother of WW...he is very busy with work and hard to get in touch with...weeks have gone by since initial exposure, but during the PA, WW met OM at brothers place once. I know it was against the advice here but I told WW that she needs to tell him so as not to continue a life that contains lies. WW says she will and like me is looking for the right time when he's available. WW also said "go ahead and tell him". I said I will.....he needs to know. How should I proceed? I do understand that he should have been told at the onset, but that did not happen. Thanks..

he is very busy with work and hard to get in touch with

1)Dial 1-xxx-WWSIBLING.
2)Leave a message for him to call you when he can.
3)Tell him when he calls.