I would say, right now KL you are in withdrawal from your relationship and want another sugar hit somewhere else.

We're wired to be in a romantic relationship. And when we are not, we feel that something's missing. That's why we find a romantic relationship so compelling -- we need it.

My first reaction was to refute that, but after thinking about it, rather than trying to refute your statement, I'm wondering what lead you to that opinion. Was it something specific I wrote?

We're wired to be in a romantic relationship. And when we are not, we feel that something's missing. That's why we find a romantic relationship so compelling -- we need it.

And after breaking up with my GF, I decided to do something for myself, so I started taking piano lessons. I like being single, and I feel so busy with activities that I don't know how I would fit a relationship into my life right now.

That being said, if I happened to meet someone with whom I felt chemistry and she felt it too, it would be hard to turn that down. It's not that I feel needy in this area, it's just that I like the feeling of companionship with someone. Based on recent posts on this thread and some on Prisanna's thread, however, I'm wondering if I should purposefully try to prevent that if I feel it happening.

I asked for help on my thread with this, describing my interactions with the OS and got some great tips. Its been a year and I haven't felt significantly attracted to anybody!!!!!

The only snag I find is that you sometimes find people who meet a PA need, which you can't do anything about. So I just avoid those people so they can't make further deposits.

Now is the time for you to let your thoughts run free without input from anyone else.

Reading Dr H material in preparation for dating is fantastic (or so I am finding)

And don't give LB deposits out to women either. This is very easy!

I started reading it, but it's 140-some pages long!, so it'll take a while to catch up. I'm interested to read about the help you received.

What are you reading? I'm really enjoying Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders, but it seems that most of his other books are geared towards married or engaged couples. Are there any you know of besides BRF that focus on dating?

Sounds like you might have experience on the receiving end of this. From a woman's point of view, can you please give some insight into what a woman would consider LB deposits that an unwitting guy might easily make without intending to? Thanks!

This morning Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders arrived - woo hoo! So I read it all on a garden blanket with fancy coffee and an omlette.

God, Dr H is a genius. Some insights I now have I didn't have before. I knew Softlad was a renter as soon as I found MB. But I now know him to be a combination of an Electric Fence Personality (hates authority, inexplicable rages over nothing) a People Pleaser and a Perfectionist.

Its such a shame because he's an intelligent and caring man beneath all that junk.

I would have worked through all these things at the time, but now I feel grateful to be moving on.

As you know, I'm currently reading BRF, but at a much slower pace than you apparently did; in one sitting, that's impressive! I haven't read about the personality types yet, but I did find the description of the Electric Fence Personality, and I can pretty much guess what People Pleasers and Perfectionists are.

As I read through BRF, I'm finding myself being transformed from "finding the right partner" to "becoming the right partner." I want to use the period of singleness I'm currently in to work on myself, so that if and when I meet my future wife, I will be the best relationship partner I can possibly be. As I read through your post, I saw several things about your ex that remind me of myself, and I wonder how I could go about working on them.

I'm fairly certain I'm not an Electric Fence, but I'm definitely a People Pleaser, and I'm somewhat of a Perfectionist (I can make quick decisions, but when I work on projects, I sometimes spend way too much time trying to make them perfect.)

You mention that your ex is "an intelligent and caring man," and I too feel that way about myself. You also mentioned that you would've "worked through all these things."

How would you have worked through the problems with your ex? Do you think this is something one can simply read about and self-correct? Or from your experience, would your ex have had to seek out a counselor for help?

As I read through BRF, I'm finding myself being transformed from "finding the right partner" to "becoming the right partner." I want to use the period of singleness I'm currently in to work on myself, so that if and when I meet my future wife, I will be the best relationship partner I can possibly be.

My BRF book has shipped, can't wait to read it! I did read some excerpts on Amazon, enough to whet my appetite.

Dear G,

I have an appointment with you in 3 weeks, and I'm sure you'll want to know how things went last night, in particular what were my feelings. In 3 weeks, I doubt I'll remember my feelings as clearly as I do now, and I want to write them down so you'll know.

Last night was horrible. The feelings were similar to the feelings I had when going through divorce. S and I had a conversation that lasted roughly 2 hours, but it felt much longer than that. During that time, there were periods of conversation and periods of silence. Several periods of silence were punctuated by teary outbursts in which S said things such as:

I can't go through this.

You can't do this to me.

I can't believe this is happening.

I thought we were going to get married.

You're everything to me, you can�t leave.

She was in deep pain, and my compassion for her would not allow me to stand by and watch. Even though I was on the verge of crying several times myself, I had to comfort her, and during her emotional outbursts, I hugged her and let her cry on my shoulder. I could feel her entire body sobbing. I felt horrible knowing that the pain she was experiencing was inflicted by me.

Today, the day that I'm writing this, is the next day. I already don't remember many of the words that were said last night. Last night seems a blur, surreal, as if maybe it didn't even happen.

But it did, and I feel terrible. Yesterday in your office when we discussed having last night's conversation with S, you asked if I thought I would feel relief. I did expect to feel relief, mixed with sadness. But today, I don't feel relieved at all. Instead of a weight being lifted, I feel that I'm carrying an anvil. When I think of last night, and I picture S crying, I feel terrible I did that to her. I don't feel relieved at all, I feel that I'm the bad guy. I can't believe I did that to her, and I'm sorry I did. I wish I could've said things in a better way so that she wouldn't have taken it so hard. I don't know if choice of words would've made a difference, and I hate that she had to go through what I put her through.

Aside from sadness and self-deprecation, I also feel loss and regret. I feel that I lost something very valuable. S loved me. She loved me genuinely, with a true heart, and my intuition says that's very hard to find. I wonder if I made a mistake. I feel that I've burned a bridge, and I'll never be able to go back. I feel regret.

Sadness, loss, regret, that's what I feel. I feel it deeply, sometimes to the point of almost crying. But you know what? This morning before leaving for work, I played a piano piece I�ve been working on, and I played it more beautifully than I ever have before. My emotions were controlling me instead of my head; I wasn�t thinking about where to place my fingers, I was simply letting my emotions flow through them. That�s the only silver lining I�ve found in this dark cloud.

Anyways, I just wanted to record these thoughts for you so you'll know how I'm feeling now, which will be three weeks ago when you read this.

Sincerely,

S, I appreciate your trying to maintain a relationship with D, especially for the benefit of your boys. I had a counseling session yesterday, the first since we broke up. It was very emotional, including tears, and I discovered that I'm still grieving the loss of our relationship much more than I thought. Your inviting D to join you for dinner next week reopens a wound that is still healing, and I respectfully request that you refrain from including him in your plans for a while until I've had a chance to heal. Please don't un-invite him now, as he's looking forward to dinner with you, but I ask that you consider my request for the future. I also ask that you keep this request between the two of us. Thanks.

there will always be the risk of an event that "opens old wounds." I actually believe that IS part of the recovery

My son is 20 and is in college. Her two boys are 13 and 15 and look up to him.

What do you think of sending her a re-worded email that doesn't make any requests? I'll explain how I feel, that I'm still healing

[Amazing coincidence, a text from her just popped in literally while I was typing this post: "I miss you." The truth is, I miss her too. I feel like responding to her with that, but I'm not sure if I should]

Nice job/post AGG.