You haven't "cut off contact", you have cut off contact under the circumstances! There's a difference. You are waiting until he is fully supportive of your marriage (hence your conditions). I would run from any pastor/church that wanted me to be an enabler, scripture doesn't support that!

I'd simply ask the church to put him under church discipline, spelled out in Matthew 18. If they are unwilling to do that, to hold a member accountable for his sins, then there is no need for you to pursue this any further.

To be clear, separating from a Wayward Husband is not a sin. He is not honoring his vows by loving, honoring and cherishing only you.

You are not loving, honoring or cherishing any other. You simply are holding out for a husband who is willing to be a Christ-Like husband. Given the nature of his abusive affair, he needs to demonstrate that he is emotionally and physically safe to be around.

-- No Other Woman
-- Free From Disease
-- Free From any Addictions to Drugs or Alcohol
-- No Porn or Self Pleasure

If he can't do that, he's not safe.

You are willing to be his Godly wife, and you ARE being his Godly wife by not settling for anything less from him.

If the church will not hold him to that standard, they are not doing you much good. They are not doing their job if they try to sweep it under the rug.

The objective is to win him back to his walk with Christ and his role as a husband and father.

Until that is complete, any complaints the church may have about you are minor. His affair is the biggest rock in the jar. When he has proved to be a safe spouse, he can bring any complaints he has to the table to negotiate resolution that is mutually agreeable to you both.

Long time no update.
Plan A-ing me & my kiddos takes up a lot of time.
But it's come time for one...

Monday was Frollo's 30th birthday as well as my 3-month mark for Plan B.

Yesterday I was served D-papers. "Petition for dissolution of marriage." There are no specifics outlined in the papers as far as custody, child-support/alimony amounts, or division of marital property. There is a lawyer's name & address, case # and stamp that it was filed with our county 7/25/12.

Needless to say, I didn't handle this news well. Probably still on the emotional roller coaster but feeling okay enough to write an update. This definitely took me by surprise! It's been in the back of my mind that he was possibly seeking a divorce - but it was way back there. He's still putting on a front to everyone that he wants to save his marriage and doesn't want a divorce but I won't talk to him so what else can he do...blah-blah-blah...

My parents (whom my children & I are living with) are both out of state right now. I haven't called to tell them as I don't want to ruin their time away. In an effort to keep them from finding out before they get home I haven't told many people. Only a few very close friends. One being a mutual pastor-friend who was shocked by this as well. His personal conversations with Frollo revolved around how much Frollo wanted to save our marriage. Thankfully, he doesn't buy in to the lies.

I haven't sought legal help to this point b/c Frollo had been cooperative with child visitation and support. Obviously now I'll be searching out a good lawyer.

One thing I've been advised by more than one friend to do, is see if Frollo would meet with me and an un-biased mediator to talk. I wouldn't mind this, and feel like it's something I could do now as a last resort. Something that would help me more easily say "I really did try everything I could (within reason)". I have two trust-worthy people in mind who are aware of his manipulation and deceit that I would like to call to see if they would agree to this. I most certainly do not feel it would be in my or my children's best interest to meet with him privately to discuss anything at all, but if a third party was present there would at least be witnesses to his lies and manipulation.

Prayers are appreciated! As well as words of wisdom from those of you who have found yourself in this same position.

WH, Dr Harley strongly recommends AGAINST mediation with a wayward. First off, it breeches your Plan B and will make you sick. And secondly, it is as effective as negotiating with a TERRORIST. He obviously will not deal in good faith so you will get nowhere, except beaten down emotionally.

You won't get anywhere in mediation and the lawyers will end up negotiating for you anyway. You might as well avoid all that and just let your lawyers work it out. That is what they are paid for!

These words really resonated with me today indie.
That tire fixed with bubble gum will work well for a while and appear to others to be fixed.
But it won't last forever.
And the next time it bursts will likely be an even bigger mess to fix than just patching a small hole.

oh WHiP, i'm sorry to hear this. i don't understand the people who say you won't help with reconciliation, as you gave him a step by step plan to come home! to now file for D...wayturds. well, now you have a really good comeback!

others: you know, whip, WH really wants to reconcile if only you'd speak with himm.
you: that must be why *he's* served *me* with D papers!

i agree with ML - trying to "mediate" with a wayward is only going to hurt you and set you back. and...the D papers may be a ploy to pull you out of PB without any effort on his part to support your M.

{{{whip}}}

Yes, answer this crap by pointing out the steps in the plan that he is refusing to take. That's your proof that he is not willing to reconcile; he is all talk.

Then if those people do it again, stop talking to them. They are a breach in your Plan B. They will affect your emotional and mental state, for the worse.

This is a TERRIBLE idea. You're talking about Plan A. You did that already!!!!!

You negotiated with a falling down drunk. It didn't go very well but it was necessary to know you did 'all you could'. Then you tossed him out in the hope tough love will sober him up. If it does, he'll remember that you tried in Plan A. And he has a way to let you know when he's sober and ready to talk.

If you break Plan B, you undermine the plan. He won't be able to hit rock bottom. He won't be able to talk sensibly while wayward.

And he will hurt you terribly. Your strength is the only thing stopping him from having his cake and eating it too. So what do you think he's going to do during the half hour your shield is down? He's going to stab you in the eye repeatedly, that's what.

Well meaning friends have no idea that he's crazy, or completely beyond self control and discussion.

You already tried that!! Remember?



This is true. People are dragging you down with this stuff.

I'm particularly concerned about your church. You're on the ground and you're smart, so Ill defer to your judgement but I've had a very uneasy feeling about their attitude towards you.

Its been made clear that he can cheat and will be coddled as a sinner-to-be-saved but you as the wife are just expected to suffer.

I can't imagine how anyone can call that a godly marriage. I am also aware that many religious people are only so on the outside. Waywards need a front, much like gangsters, and the church is a common choice. Or charity work.or helping kids.

I do hope I'm wrong and this isn't some sort of heap the problems on the wives boys club, but I'm just uneasy.

Either way, you need supportive people around you in Plan B who share your values.

ITA with ML. No point in mediating.

Do not break Plan B.

You'd have better luck mediating with a pig.

(I think pigs are nice.)

Are you in a "no-fault" state?

I'm sorry he's chosen this path. (((hugs)))

Yes, I live in a no-fault state. And it's filed as a dissolution of marriage instead of divorce. Alimony is unlikely to be awarded, child custody is usually split as evenly as possible, as is marital property. I'm not going to make it through this. Frollo's betrayal, and subsequent lies, deceit and manipulation took everything out of me. Now this? I have nothing left in me to fight with.

My emotions are SO all over the place I really shouldn't even post today, but I will. Maybe someone who's been here or IS here can help clear my view.

I am furious. I wanted to save this marriage, I thought i was doing all i could TO save this marriage, and it turns out nothing was enough. WHY?!!? Why did I even try? Why didn't I just keep talking to him? Why did I expose? Why am I STILL not communicating with him, when OBVIOUSLY not communicating with him DIDN'T HELP!? It made everything worse!!! Now I'm a soon-to-be unemployed, single-mother-of-2 with no home and no property!

Honestly, I'm not set on staying in Plan B. In the process of having to endure an IM change due to outside circumstances, Frollo's filed for divorce (b/c I wouldn't talk with him) so everything's just lined up to exit Plan B and deal with this myself. Can I? No, probably not. But I can't handle divorce either. So, lose-lose. Whatever.

I went into plan B and slowly and steadily my divorce went on.

Plan B never is a tactic to save the marriage, though many look at it like that. It is to save you.

This is how it was put to me once, and clarified things. If the ws wants to reconcile, then nothing will stop them.

This never was about changing him. Only he can do that.

WH ... this has never been about you ... these are his choices.

He doesn't want to be accountable, he doesn't want to be repentant, and he wants to blame all of his choices on you.

He has built a habit of behaving badly at your expense, and then turns around and blames you. He has built a horrible habit of punishing you when you don't go along (EXPOSURE ...)

He is wayward ... I reckon he was probably this entitled and selfish before the marriage and now his adultery has taken it to a whole new level.

WHIP, you must remind yourself that as discouraging as you might view your current situation, it remains likely the best of the awful alternatives.

Nightmare A: Frollo maintains his unsuspecting wife at home while maintaining his dalliance, for years, on the side.

Nightmare B: Frollo carries on his affair with the full awareness of WHIP, terrified of the outcomes of standing up for her marriage.

Take a deep breath. Take another. Now, listen to me: There is no fresh impending crisis that the divorce petition has occasioned. It was coming. It was coming because your standards and morals were too correct to accommodate Frollo's perverse desires. The only thing that could have forestalled his filing would have been A) him wising up as regards his skanky behavior, or B) you filing before him.

Put the divorce notice in the hands of a lawyer, explain you want to drag this out until doomsday, and then put it out of your mind.

I have nothing left in me to fight with. This emotion is not working in your interest.

I am furious. Stay on this emotion. Frollo could not keep his zipper properly closed, to the effect that he has put into risk the development and growth of your shared children. Concentrate on THAT. Read THAT quote every morning while brushing your teeth. When you speak to your lawyer, make THAT your opening position.

Other women have been exactly where you are. They made it through the fire, and were annealed by the process. Listen to them.

WHisapastor, Plan B is the BEST possible plan in a bad situation. Plan B does not prevent or cause a divorce but it keeps you out of the line of the fire so you avoid the emotional and physical repercussions from dealing head on with a wayward. Plan B didn't make your situation WORSE, it just protected your sanity in a bad situation.

Here are some things Harley has said about the goal of Plan B:

Oh, WH. I am soooo sorry for your pain. It is just too much to imagine that someone we gave the most important role in our life to, who took vows to honor and cherish, could do what your husband has done!! I feel you pain, as I have a H who's selfishness and sins have hardened his own heart.

Please stay in Plan B. Plan B is FOR YOU!!! It was never designed to save the marriage. The beauty of Plan B is that it would help to break his fog b/c things would become more difficult for him. The easiest thing was to remain at home, have you hold it all together, him lie and cheat and do what he wanted in secrecy. Plan B turns the tables, it all gets so much harder, and hopefully the wayward spouse would have a break in the fog about what they are really doing. Don't break Plan B b/c he didn't have that fog break. Some never see the destruction they have caused and are causing b/c they are too selfish to. Breaking Plan B will not save your marriage!!!! Him filing for divorce b/c you wouldn't talk to him is him trying to take control back and get what he wants-which is you not standing up for yourself and you letting him have his cake and eat it too. You need Plan B now more than ever to protect yourself and your children!!!! He isn't going to be nice. He isn't thinking about you! You gave him a list of requirements. If he cared about you, your marriage and your family, he WOULD HAVE made the changes that you required!!!! He chose not to do that and found his own way to scare you into backing down - filed for divorce. Is that what you really want? Do you want to live like that? I can't see that he wants a marriage. He wants his way and wants to do what he wants to do, not caring that it is hurting you, destroying your marriage and your family.

Stay furious at HIS expectations, HIS actions. Stay strong for yourself and your children!!! Stay in Plan B!! Don't give in to this!!!

But if your husband wanted the marriage he would have met your conditions and not filed for divorce. That is all he had to do if he wanted to talk to you. Your Plan B had nothing to do with his filing for divorce.