Isn't telling the truth constructive advice? Keep in mind, that nothing we tell you can overcome dishonesty. And yes, you can help what I believe or not. I don't believe stories that don't add up.

I am not sure, how do I find information on it?

oh, found it. I will see what we can do. Thanks Brainhurts

You're welcome.

Did you know that Melodylane has been here over 11 years has over 63,000+ posts and has a full library of Dr. Harley's books and gone to his weekend seminar (when they were still available)? She has been on the show many times and I'm sure I've left something out.

Her time is free and she knows the MB concepts very well. I'm not trying to tell you whom you have to listen to, but you will learn alot from her if you're willing to learn. She doesn't give me anything to say this.

Soemtimes when we don't like what someone says that may be the lesson we need to look at.

Yes, Melodylane has very good advice, but.....

(I mentioned this before but got "edited" for being disrespectful)

she sometimes comes across as hostile, when she doesn't like what someone says.

I am trying to build a relationship with my husband and that doesn't seem to matter because I had a friendship with another man that ended when I kissed him.
That has been dealt with, I confessed to my husband and told him anything he wanted to know......

That is all she seems concerned with, not with my concerns about an unresponsive husband.

4tomorrow, that is not a friendship. It was an affair. And you kissed him, that is a physical affair. You understand that, right?

You can rebuild your marriage with MB help - but you cannot do this when you keep saying you had a "friendship" with another man. You had a 3 year emotional affair that went physical. Call a spade a spade.

Your husband will be unresponsive and detached from you if he thinks you are a liar. He may not call you a liar, he may be in denial, I don't know, but he has detached for a reason and you cannot minimize that reason.

The reason is because you are making a mistake.

You only told your husband "anything he wanted to know." That's not everything.

Dr. Harley's policy of radical honesty shows the level of honesty that is required for a successful marriage:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html


You didn't tell your husband everything you know about the incident and about your involvement in it and your thoughts and feelings about it. You followed a common tactic of letting him drive the conversation, blind without a map. Then you can rest easy that you answered all his questions, but you still didn't volunteer everything.

Telling him everything he wanted to know is not enough, if you want a great marriage. You will need to volunteer the rest.

Suppose your husband had asked you this question. Could you answer it:


That's the level of honesty we are looking for here.

4tomorrow, if you don't like MelodyLane (surely one of the best posters on this site), I suggest you just put her on ignore and quit talking about her, or else contact the moderators. Meanwhile, get back to what you need to do about your marriage! Don't let this distract you!

So do you

Frankly, you come across as hostile when you don't like what someone says. After all, the whole point of this thread was to chew out board members you didn't like and set them straight.

I will just say again that your rendition of what you call an EA and then a "friendship" at other times does not ring true. That coupled with your wayward behavior on this forum leads me to believe you are not being completely honest. It sounds to me like you spun it as an "friendship" to your husband which would explain his odd reaction. ["it doesn't look good."]

And I find it a little too convenient that you have "exposed" this "EA/friendship" to others and followed all the other steps. That just tells me you have been reading the forum for a long time and know what members will hit you with so you are pre-empting such suggestions. NO wayward just signs up and has taken each and every step.

Which means your marriage can't be helped until the issue of the truth about your affair is resolved.

After all, you are in the very long habit of denying and lying to your husband if you are coming off a 3 year affair, aren't you? You are a seasoned pro at denying and avoiding any honest attempt at introspection.

What was your posting name in the past? How about we ask the mods to compare IPs so we can look at those posts? It's obvious you have been around here for a while because you know the score and were so worried about posters being "harsh." There is obviously some reason you were worried about that. The only people who worry about that are those who are fogged out. You have been here long enough to have caught onto that.

Your husband has given you some key information. Just as you feel he is not meeting your needs, both you and your husband seem to indicate that you are not meeting his.

Add to that the emotional affair you had with this man, and your indicated desire for this man and I begin to understand why your husband doesn't see the point in meeting your needs.

He even said why should he meet your needs when you are not meeting his.

Marriage and romantic love are not unconditional. You know that first hand as you are not getting your needs met and you don't feel as if you are in love with your husband. Why would you expect your husband to feel differently?

If you are not doing the things to build and protect your romantic love, it will go away.

As others have suggested, you have two things to accomplish, put in the protections to ensure you do not choose to allow others to meet your needs. Second, meet your husbands needs in a fashion that demonstrates (sells) the benefits of the Marriage Builders program.

He's not going to buy it if it comes across as you saying, "DH, you are not doing marriage right and this program will help you correct your errors."

What MAY (no guarantees) work is if you say to him, "DH, I have not been doing marriage right. You even say I am not meeting your needs. I want to do marriage right, so help me understand your needs and how best to meet them."

After you've done this, you take some initial steps to establish the credibility to request that he too take your needs seriously and become an expert on knowing and meeting those needs.

As others have said, being 100% open and honest, not just telling your husband what he wants to know, but to tell him 100% of what happened, how you felt, and so forth are necessary.

The truth may hurt, but deception, including the deception known as not telling everything you know, hurts more.

I keep hearing how you want, want, want, but I hear very little about what you are planning to do to address your side of the street and set the example of taking his needs seriously, and meeting them with the same enthusiasm you expect him to have meeting yours.

You are here, so you have to set the example and go first. It will be hard to sell him on the program if your approach is I'm not happy, I hope this fixes my betrayed husband.

Thank you for your replies,
I have asked my husband what he wants to know and have answered honestly everything he has asked.
He has also said he doesn't want to know any details or anymore of my past (being before we were married) he would like to move on now.

I am sorry if I sound hostile, it is not my intent. When people are being called out, I have a hard time not jumping behind them and defending. Puppies, kittens and small children also
I will try to keep my mouth shut....or fingers still and listen more.

One of the best ways to learn, is go back through your thread and answer all the questions that the posters have taken time to ask you.

Ok here goes......

EP's, He changed gyms so I don't workout with him anymore. Husband has access to phone and email, husband knows where I am and what I am doing at all times. He is free to ask me and expect honest answer to any question about anything anytime.

Yes, he believes me.

Not sure how I answered this before but we did the emotional needs questionaire together and are getting the books.

Not yet, I have asked him.

yes


I am learning them.
Probably, looking into it.
I didn't know all of that, no.
Yes, I have been around here for a bit. I have been concerned about my marriage for a while now, especially when I started having feelings for my friend. I have spent hours over the last couple months reading so I have caught on to how people are coached. I have been afraid to post, because I knew what you all would think of my friendship with another man.


I guess he shouldn't, I haven't met his needs in a long time so shouldn't expect mine to be met either.

Please listen to this excellent radio clip of Dr. Harley talking about an EA compared to a PA. They are both just as devastating to the marriage.
Radio Clip on Emotional Affairs

ok, I will thanks.

4tomorrow � I wouldn�t blame you if you felt hurt and defensive right now. You came here in pain, looking for help and instead you�ve been called an adulteress and a liar. It�s a big deal. No one likes to be aggressively accused of something that they feel isn�t true. If, as you say, you HAVE been totally open and honest with your husband (and yourself) about your affair (not just a �friendship�), then you can thank your accusers for their concern and move on.

On the other hand, if you have not been completely open and honest with yourself and your husband about your affair, doing so is a key step in building a new, strong and mutually satisfying marriage. Failing to do so will DOOM any efforts to improve your marriage. I believe the people who have expressed suspicion and skepticism about your story are motivated by a desire to truly help you and your marriage. I don�t think they are trying to pick on you. And, well� a three year affair between a married woman and a single man that was limited to biking, coffee and hugs would be� uncommon, right? So I can understand the skepticism. Can you?

What next to improve your marriage?

You know, I actually wouldn�t DO anything just yet except maybe identify and avoid your lovebusters towards your husband. Otherwise I would devote your time and efforts to really understanding Harley�s proven approach to building strong, mutually satisfying marriages. It takes more than reading the website and the forums. I would read �surviving an affair� and �lovebusters� as recommended before. I really like �fall in love, stay in love� but I honestly don�t know how much it overlaps with �surviving an affair.�

Really learn about marriagebuilders before you approach your husband with any more requests. Yes, it is about meeting ENs and avoiding LBs, but also about the policy of joint agreement, undivided attention, radical honesty etc etc. Marriagebuilders done halfway with an incomplete understanding of the big picture may be worse than doing nothing at all. So take your time. Yes, it sucks that you are hurting and also having to be the one to put in the work. But you are here, asking for advice, wanting change. Your husband is not. You are going to have to be the catalyst for change. Your behavior and attitude are the only things you have control over. As you change you will likely start to see your husband change also, in ways you never imagined. But it has to start with you. You may think you�ve already tried, you�ve already changed. But I say you have just barely scratched the surface of needed, effective changes �on your side of the street.�

As soon as you have a plan (ie, �This is what I want and this is how I am going to try to get it�), come here and share your plan with us. We�ll help you refine it before putting it in to practice. For example, you gave your husband the EN questionnaire and it caused an argument. Discussing your next attempt at marriage building with us first may help avoid a negative outcome.

That�s my take so far. Don�t go away mad. Stick around. I strongly believe Marriage Builders is your BEST chance at a strong, amazingly satisfying marriage for both of you. It is work� much more work than posting a question on a forum (unfortunately) � but it is worth it. When you�re done it will be your husband you call your best friend.

BWS71

Are you able to get the clips to work that I post to you?

IF so, please listen to this one and tell us what you think.

Radio Clip on Lovebusters
Segment #2