Have you looked at this?
Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

Prisca and I love exercising together. We have a gym membership together that we have absolutely loved.

W and I talked yesterday about relocation. W said she has says we have to move, we have to move. I think she upset that her A has caused so much turmoil and is the cause of now so many problems..Sold a car, going to sell a brand new home, going to uproot kids ect...she says if that is what needs done we're doing it. W and I spoke of EP and what they all entail...she says I dont know what else I can do but what I am...she says I never want to see or talk to OM again..She says she see's him as a negative object in her life...someone who has caused great damage and turmoil. W says she wants to work on us and so whatever she can to make me feel secure. Thats it. We spent time together going over our MB workbook breaking down eachothers EN....

Reading between the lines, do I detect POJA issues? You need to both get on board with enthusiastic solutions to these problems.
I had similar issues. My solution: Employ the technique of successive approximation. I bought a second house 500 miles from here. It will be our retirement home, and a refuge from my wife's affair fallout. Given housing prices and my circumstances, I was able to pull this off with the net cost per month actually being less than it was with just the one house. When we closed on the new house, my wife started spontaneously crying. Surprised, I asked why, and she said that now she was certain that I was going to keep her.
Look for solutions like this. Get inventive.She regards the OM as poison, and wants to help you heal.

As many of you know I have posted here regulary after my WW A. We are in recovery mode and after all the advise and recommendations I find myself struggling in certain areas of the A. I have worked harder to A proof my marriage.. yesterday after the advise from the board I wrote out questions to my WW outlining what her response would need to be if contact was ever made with OM..what I expected as EPs and direct questions like will you move, will you submit to yearly poly ect....Ww answered all as expected and had a problem with none. I really struggle with the intimant or physical part of the A. As many of u know this happended four times over a 4 months time frame. Most encounters were in a vehicle with one being at a family members house. I know all advice here is dont beleive the word of a WW..all things said thus far have either been verified by the poly or shown with concrete evidence. The details of the PA is a tough one though. WW when at the poly wanted to some how have a question be asked to assure me that when she told me the sex was bad from her view it could be verified. Ww said she felt as if she was giving the OM sex in return for his commitment to conversation and making her feel wanted and important. WW gave all details of PA, even things I probably should have left out, but how will I ever know if the sex they had was bad, good or even great? I dont want to just think wife is lieing about this, but the Om is not real attractive and i feel if she told me all the other gory details, why leave this to a lie? Ww has also requested to take an additional poly to verify her word on this so we can move on....are there any WW out there that could chime in to say that this, bad sex, can be the case on one side of the affair in order to gain something on the other side?

KGaa, do yourself and your wife a favor and stop discussing this. Once all the facts are out there, it should never be discussed again. Don't bring it up anymore.

Instead of focusing on how great the affair was, spend your time on making your marriage GREAT. Her affair can never compete with your marriage if you do that.

I do believe her, though, when she says it wasn't good sex. If it was, I would expect her to say nothing about that aspect.

Stop talkng about it, my friend. Talking about it keeps it top of mind for LONGER. I know you are thinking about it all the time, but you don't have to talk about it.

**EDIT**

He needs to drop the subject and focus on making his marriage GREAT. Obsessing about disgusting pig sex and how it stacks up is not productive. Pig sex can never compete on any level.

Ok...thank you...I feel I sometimes lean on tje support here because i told WW that I would do my part and not talk yo her about A again. I do think about it and it does hinder my sex life now with her....

The past is past. Let it lie dead. There is no residual quality to dead things once they've passed. The grandest general has no more impact on history than the humblest serf after they each breathe their last.

KG, try bounding the question by considering the extremes, and then projecting the impacts to your current situation.

Here's what I mean. Assume the SF between WW an OM was ridiculously inept and tragi/comical - dry on her part and flaccid (and brief) on his. Then project it to have been very intense and satisfying. (Seriously? In a vehicle? Okay, this might need a GREAT imagination!)

Now cut to today. I would aver that given that WW has realized the stupidity and cruelty of the act in and of itself, the parameters of the performance are not that important anymore. Whatever the quality (or ineptness) of their coupling, she rejects that as a terrible mistake, and wants to reconcile with you.

Ok..Understand to let it be the past....

Ok..Understand to let it be the past....

KGaa12,

Maybe this will help you, it helps me. I go irrational too on things, and it has been a problem for me for some time. I've talked with S. Harley on it too, and how I need to focus.

First, you don�t have to believe your wife ! I think you can look at this rationally, and conclude some things for yourself like I did.

First, you�re talking about a car and then a bed. Well I�m sure you and your wife have tried it in a car, �cause my wife and I have tried it too. Good? It got the job done, but my pants dropped on to my ankles, not able to move well, and my wife twisted and contorted in whatever way. Good? I never remembered it as such, how could it.

Next, and more importantly, I have looked at scientific studies regarding sex, and applied them to my situation. On this matter Dr. Harley states: "You probably began your marriage not knowing how to enjoy sex, and made love to your husband out of a spirit of generosity. You may not have known how to become sexually aroused or how to climax. But as long as you were in the state of intimacy, the experience was somewhat pleasant for you, because the sex act made you feel more emotionally connected to him." You may recall when you and your wife were first becoming intimate, you clearly were not as comfortable with her then as you are now, and vice verse I�m sure. Dr. Harley talks about this comfort level too. That comfort level developed over many many years. You do things now in the bathroom, bedroom, etc, that you would have never dreamed of doing when you were dating or first married. My gosh, I threw underwear away that had skid marks on them so my wife did not see them in the laundry !! As far as comfortable in the bed, that took time. My wife was my first, and at age 27 I was Lightening Jack, actual intercourse was over in a flash. As my comfort level grew, so did the time period. As for my wife, she did not orgasm for the first couple of years. However, as her comfort level increased, she now has a problem of not waking up the entire house and maybe the next door neighbors. That took years to get her there. The scientific studies also confirm this in men, and more particularly in women. You know that your comfort level in the bed with your wife is far better now than at the beginning. And it is supposed to be easier for us guys then girls. As for your wife, I venture to say that her comfort level in the bed with you is far greater now than when you were first married. Would it be too much to say that your sex with your wife got better over the course of the marriage? Granted, maybe SF frequency or something like that could have been better, but when the event occurred it was better later in marriage than earlier. Right? OK, now you take that feeling of yours and multiply it by a factor of something, because women are different in that regard than men. It takes them much longer to reach these comfort levels. They are generally much more concerned about looks, body, performance, what have you, and it takes them much longer to reach our comfort level. Let me give you another example of my wife and me. My wife used to refuse to have any lights on when we were getting intimate. Now, I can have all the lights on and even my reading glasses if I wanted. The studies confirm that sex between people, particularly married couples, with their added comfort gets better over time. Is your wife�s sex better with you then 4 x with somebody else? You can Google these various studies yourself and find out just as easily as I did. Certainly do not dwell on them, but they will confirm these things that I am telling you.

So do not believe your wife that the sex wasn�t good? You can confirm this from how it occurred, and also confirm it through the various studies regarding comfort with whom you are with. That happens only over time.

I hope this helps. I must actively draw myself from irrational thinking into rational thinking, and these types of logical exercises help me immensely.

PA occured in vehicle, x2 in daytime and WW said shirts stayed on. x1 occured at night (still in car). Last time was on floor, which was too confirmed on POLY. WW says OM was very quick and she actually said it was over to quick and never got anything from it. WW says things like "I just couldnt get into it, it was like high school sex". It's just hard for me to wrap my head around the fact of why do you keep going back to the same actions (PA) if your not benefiting from it? WW says, OM was and she wanted OM to continue talking with her. WW says she never felt as she does with me and that their was nothing initimant about it. WW says it was cheezy in the car, cheap sex.

You don't wrap your head around it. That's the point exactly. You now understand it. Why do people start taking heroin? I know you want to talk more about it, you want to hear and reaffirm her tell you things, you want to confirm things. You can get very twisted, very easily, if you try and wrap your head around it. It is a mental thing, and you have got to find your own way of coping. Everyone is different in that regard, and trust me it is much easier said than done. Start now or yesterday. I've fought demons/visions for almost 30 years, and much more gruesome than these matters. It is done.

Ok..(I) understand to let it be the past.... 12:02pm

It's just hard for me to wrap my head around the fact... 1:47pm

Dude, we need a little more retention than that!

Okay, I'm just giving you a hard time, but there is a point under my barbed comment.

With luck, and patience, I can probably train a macaw to say "Let it be the past," but at that level of possible training the bird won't be able to operate under that guidance, because it will always stay at "knowledge" in Bloom's taxonomy. You have to WORK to get through "comprehension" and reach "application" where this insight will benefit you, by FORCING YOURSELF, at the first flash of "But why...", to say, "STOP IT! That was THEN, and I have too much work to do dealing with the NOW!"

The comprehension exercise is to internalize how those self-pitying exercises will interfere with the job you and FWW have before you; how your black moods will affect her, and rebound to you (negatively) in UA moments wasted, RH discounted, and O&H shunted aside.

Every "How could she have been so......" distracts you from the remorseful FWW she is demonstrating today with the less worthy WW she had been in the past.

KGaa12,

From everything you wrote she did not enjoy it, especially as there was no physical attraction.

If my W told me what your W told you I would not be hunting down OM.

God Bless
Gamma

That doesn't completely apply to a remorseful wayward who is trying to recover their marriage. I am assuming that your wife is remorseful and is trying to recover her marriage. Believe what she tells you - verify anything that sounds flaky, because she may be trickle-truthing. She's just flagged you on two of her EN's - Conversation and Admiration. Make note of that. You're going to have to accept your WW's interpretation of that event. You weren't there. You weren't in her head at that moment. I suspect that it wasn't earth-shattering, it wasn't the best experience of her life, blah blah blah. I remember what my FWH told me about the sex act with his OW - it was cold and dreary. And as soon as it was over, reality blew in on his drive home to me and he knew - even in his foggiest state - that he had just done a hugely bad thing that he couldn't un-do. He was sick. It was an addiction.

Of course, that still didn't stop the addiction. Exposure at their workplace took care of that very nicely.

Yes. My H told me at one point that he took OW to lunch and that they kissed at a stop light on the way back to their office. I said "WHAT were you thinking??? Anyone could have seen you!" He looked at me and said "That's just it. I WASN'T THINKING."

Addicts don't think - they live in the moment.