Oh - and I've never baked with Splenda but I know it's not cheap. I switched to Truvia which is supposed to be more natural. I like the taste better.

Good job on the food changes! I'm trying to be good too.

bwhahahahaha! i was in a funny mood after reading the funny thread titles thread, and when i clicked on your link, my first thought was: i may not need H after all...

i will, erm, look into it!

LOL, Letty!!!

Remember - it's not a "toy" - it's a device to help women who are menopausal or otherwise having issues!

You have to have a prescription for it. I haven't bothered yet as I haven't felt I needed it quite yet. But - the doc did say it's been proven to help a lot of women. With age or health problems women sometimes experience a loss in intensity or trouble getting there - or even libido issues - and it's supposed to help.

i am going to take it to my nurse practitioner appt this week. we'll see what she has to say - and whether it's available here (fingers crossed).

I've been having some trouble in this area as well. Reading up on it and wondering if it's possibly due to low testosterone. I used to have sexual dreams frequently. They have gone. There was certain feeling of rushing tingling sensation I used to have when H touched me a certain way or while watching a sexually suggestive movie. All gone. The Big O's are less frequent, and I get instead what I call "foamers." Sigh. I am not willing to just give it up to menopause either. Other than those things, menopause has not been a difficulty at all.

I read an article just this weekend in magazine "Men's Health" about how a man can boost his testosterone levels naturally. I wonder if a woman can achieve roughly the same results. It involves doing some more weight-lifting, over cardio and some other things. But I wonder....is low T levels the culprit here?

To that end, this week I made an appointment with a female doctor who will hopefully not blow this off. A great and satisfying sex life is really important to both of us.

I'm not taking this lying down.

Uhhhh.....

Nevermind. I'll keep my thoughts to myself on that one!
LOLOLOL


Longway...you should ask your doc about this device as well. I don't think this is the exact one my doc recommended because I remember a lot of testimonials and stuff on the site...I really need to find my paperwork! But, as I said, I think the one I linked is similar, at least in principle.

We boxed up a bunch of stuff and I'm thinking my paperwork is out in the garage somewhere.

lol, LWFH, sunny had the same reaction as me, but got here first!

i am frustrated because this is rather sudden, and coincides with H moving back in (yes, it's been that long). i don't know if it's my head, or my hoohoo. (side note: do you guys have the new tv advert (for feminine product] where the girl says "vagina?" my goodness, you'd have think she said something else the way people have reacted!) and, oddly enough, it all works fine with other, erm, stimulation (versus straight intercourse).

so...despite everything sounding good in recovery, i am still frustrating myself sometimes. like yesterday. we had a really nice day. some shopping, a snack out (i brought my own bran muffin and had some fruit & tea; H had cake), etc. but something inside me, every few weeks or so, just feels argghhhh! i don't know why! it's like i *feel* that he's not meeting my needs (though when i review each day i *know* he is), and i get frustrated, which leads to somewhat angry.

i am afraid all this good stuff will fall away as time goes by (sunny, i see you had the same worry). why am i doing this? am i self-sabotaging? there are some times where i feel that H could certainly still be having a SSL, even though i have confirmation that he isn't (computer/phone). but i'm not foolish enough to think he "doesn't have time." sure, we spend all weekend together, and all evenings from around 4pm onwards. but...he *could* have a secret phone. he *could* not have work on saturday mornings. he *could* be finished at 3, but not come home until 4. even though i know he *is* actually working, and doing what he says he's doing (verified by customer calls/texts & billing).

is that just leftover crap feeling from all the lies? will it go away? will my va-va-va-voom sex life come back? is it just early days and i will get past it as time goes by? i mostly try to keep these feelings to myself, so i don't end up AOing for no reason. shyte, sometimes i peeve myself off.

anyhow, i thought i'd post those thoughts a) for some feedback and b) so others know it's not all smooth sailing - there is no magic pill; it's hard work all the way!

LWFH, i look forward to hearing the results of your doctor's appt!

I wonder how much of the trouble can be attributed to the thought life.

One tough thing for me is that many times when we make love, I have to actively push bad thoughts out of my head. Images. Even though we're getting lots of UA time and all is going pretty well, those thoughts are still a bit intrusive and distracting. Not as bad as in the first six or so months but still a niggling annoyance.

For me, any distraction is a bad thing and takes my mind off the "task" at hand.

You're just a few months into recovery. When we were a few months into recovery, we were very much into HB. But there were many many times, images would barge into my mind and I found it very difficult to proceed.

If we had never had the adultery in our marriage, then I would just be frustrated with what's going on in my body; but with the adultery, it means there's another point of comparison. At least in my own mind. During the first, oh, I don't know, say 6 months to a year following D-Day, if I couldn't get to O, there were times I cried, saying that I felt inadequate. Of course, I meant inadequate compared to what I perceive to be the A fireworks and "super novas" (OW's words in the steamy email I found )

That I couldn't always get to those fireworks was so disappointing to me. My FWH insists he never thinks of OW and that what he did was disgusting.

So sometimes I wonder if the thoughts themselves often serve as a troubling distraction. And it doesn't have to be just images. It's wondering, like you, if this is really going to last? Are things going to fall away to what they used to be? And so on.

And, frankly, I just don't look at FWH in the same way. All that I used to believe about us has been destroyed. It's like a brand new marriage in many ways. And something that's brand new is a little hard to have faith in at first.

And maybe all those distracting thoughts are indeed wreaking their bit of havoc in the brain, which leads some trouble in the "hoohoo."

But it could be something organic as well; that would be much easier than trying to manage those troubling distracting thoughts that creep in at just the wrong time...

I am having similar problems. Pre A I thought it was all due to menopause/low libido. (I am 65.) Then had massive hysterical bonding which taught me otherwise--it was the bad relationship. Now, almost 2 yrs post-D-Day, although relationship problems are solved and we are following MB, I'm having libido difficulty again. I also have distracting thoughts/images problem, but intermittent, getting better with time.
Have any of you read the book that Dr H recommends on MB website,
Women's Orgasm: A Guide to Sexual Satisfaction by Georgia and Benjamin Graber. I am thinking of ordering it.

I have the book Women's Orgasm. Although it was written in 1970, it's still helpful and interesting. It's written mostly to the woman who has never had an orgasm, so there are exercises to teach one how to achieve that. But there is much helpful reading on women who already know how to O but want reminders and more info. I found the info on Kegel exercises particularly informative. Keeping Kegel muscle strong is imperative to having a good orgasm, because that's where it occurs.

After reading the article I found in a Men's Health magazine last week, I've been googling "women testosterone weight lifting" and finding some very interesting info on how resistance levels can naturally boost testosterone levels in both men and women.

It's a complicated physiological process but, from my bit of reading so far, it looks as though the process of rebuilding micro tears in the muscle fibers produces testosterone. Testosterone is the hormone responsible for much of our libido and sexual satisfaction.

I've noticed that, at least in myself, since H & I have finally headed back to the gym and work out together lifting weights, it didn't take but a few days to start to feel the great effects on my libido and the ease of orgasm.

On my H, this theory certainly seems to apply. While he was overweight, he had a much lower sex drive. He has been lifting weights and doing other resistance training since last winter and his libido is like that of a young man. It's rather remarkable. I didn't pay much close attention to how it affected me, but looking back, I can recall that the times I was having more trouble was when I was not doing any resistance training.

We've been living in a hotel waiting for our stuff to arrive from overseas so we can move in. I went into a kind of blue funk for a while (moving does that to me) and was quite sedentary. The heat here knocks me over. Only last week we started going back to the gym. Well, twice this weekend, we had a great time together in the SF department. No troubles on either end.

Cardio is reported to actually decrease testosterone, at least if done excessively. The articles suggested a short cardio session with more weight/resistance training.

I'll do some more research and see if there seems to be a correlation for us between the training and the SF. I'd much rather achieve a great sex life without drugs of any sort. I'm going through menopause, not having any of the usual symptoms, but I'm usually pretty active. I wonder if that has been helping or if it's just a coincidence. In all my previous activities, though, resistance training has never been my activity of choice. It was always running and hiking.

Thanks for sharing that ... we were on a fitness kick a year ago, as for 2 months we were living somewhere it was convenient (Pilates, universal gym workout, swimming). Didn't see the correlation at the time as we were also in hysterical bonding phase, but it certainly may have added to it.

Haven't seen that commercial. I've never really paid attention to whether they care about that particular word here in the states.

As for your ups and downs and frustrations - and concerns - YES - I've experienced them all!

I know it gets redundant to hear "its normal - just wait it out as long as you are working the program," but it IS true.
I think that hearing (well, reading) that it is a normal part of recovery is reassuring even if it doesn't solve the problem.

I've had those days you describe of feeling like H wasn't meeting my needs, even though on paper he was. I still do at times, in fact! I think it's good to dissect those feelings and get to the root of it. Sometimes, a change in perception is all that is needed. Sometimes, I find that I'm mad at myself for something and I'm inadvertently projecting my frustration onto H. Sometimes, I realize it's the time of the month, lol. Other times, I realize there IS something I need from H at the time, but haven't communicated it to him properly. And then, relatively few times (these days) I will find that it's still hurt over the A that has reared it's ugly head and I just have to find a way to cope.

One change in perception example is on my thread: I was feeling blue that H had to work on a particular weekend. (He has to work weekends occasionally, but very rarely.) I was feeling that my needs were not getting met or going to get met those couple of days. NeverGuessed posted to me and redirected my thoughts to what H had to go through: it wasn't like he WANTED to be away that weekend or that he was off on some fun adventure without me. He was working to provide for the family - which IS meeting a need. And - it wasn't like he was putting his job first, being a workaholic. He advised me, instead, to put myself in H's shoes and see if there wasn't some way in which I could meet HIS needs. When I did, I had an IMMEDIATE shift in my feelings! I was being self-centered until I had that perception shift.

That's the thing about feelings - they really are fleeting - can change on a dime. (Especially if we choose to change them through actions.) It's why we shouldn't govern our lives by them.

An example of projection: I was feeling H wasn't meeting my need for admiration one day. When I analyzed it, I was actually upset with myself: I hadn't put my best foot forward for a few days and I wanted him to admire me anyway. It doesn't work that way. It wasn't like he was a jerk, or wasn't meeting other needs, but why on earth should he "admire" me in an area where we both knew I was skating? If a child procrastinates on a school project, does the bare minimum, and gets a C+ - do you give the kid a pat on the back? He or she may get upset with you for your indifferent reaction, but inwardly he/she has to know where the fault lies.

Having said all that - you must also evaluate whether it's a case of changing needs. Through the recovery process you and Mr. Letty may need to redo the needs questionnaires. I know we had to - and will be doing so again, I'm sure.

Now: as for the feelings of all the good stuff fading...it's something the two of you must guard against. As time goes on in recovery, the motivation for working so hard on your marriage can slack off. It can be natural in the sense that you start feeling more secure. Just keep the goal in mind: the ONLY way to get over the A is to have an EXCEPTIONAL marriage. That, along with proper boundaries, is what keeps you safe.

You can't let fear rule your life. Worrying all the time as to whether or not your H is "up to something" is not what you want - it would drive you insane. BUT... those safeguards MUST be in place; both of your lives must be transparent. It can be difficult to decide when to stop "checking up," for instance. It has always helped me to do so when I triggered. I have found that those fears taper off with time.

I have also found that sometimes my concerns are justified and sometimes, not. In a few areas I have been concerned that we've gone back to the way things were pre-A. However, when I evaluated those things, they fit the MB bill - and we were actually practicing GOOD marital habits! Where those concerns have been justified are when I realize we are slipping - say in UA time or in putting our marriage above the kids. Being vigilant allowed for us to right the ship very quickly.

As for your concerns about the SF and whether or not that vavoom will come back... well... it could be circumstantial or it could be physical. I'm fighting the same thing - and in my case, I'm sure it's hormonal/physical change. SUCH a drag!!! DON'T withhold your feelings from your H - that you want more and you are concerned about it. But of course - do not bring the A into the discussion. It's tricky, but it can be done with good conversation tools. You focus on what you need in this area and how to achieve it - using "I" statements and not "look what you did to me" kind of stuff.

The bad part of this is dealing with marital/recovery issues while dealing with physical/emotional effects of peri-menopause (or outright menopause). It's a real doozy!!!

I can SOOOOO relate to this post!!!!

Seems like there a few of us dealing with this area. It can be a real downer so it helps to have support here. I think we all need to keep in mind that our H's should be our partners in finding solutions. We need to be O&H so they can help us through this. That's sometimes difficult because we don't want to make them feel bad or add stress to the situation. We want to ensure that we aren't making them feel inadequate in such a sensitive area...but we gotta get our needs met too.

hi ladies. it's a busy week, with the ball and speech exams both on saturday, and today i've arrived home sick as a dog! i'm going to take tomorrow off and see if i can get enough rest to get through friday and saturday. fingers crossed! i knew it was coming (stress-related always flares my lupus), but had hoped it would hold off until next week. sigh.

getting back to the gym seems like my best bet. some weight work is also good for diabetes, it turns out. if i can manage it better (and will be able to with my new sticker machine), hopefully i'll be able to free up the blood flow in all those small capillaries down there. diabetes does make the blood very thick and goopy, and inhibits the blood flow in all those little guys, making the big O very hard to reach for women with diabetes (whine, sigh!).

men and the squeamish, TMI coming up, so you may want to take a breather.
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poor H really gave it the old college try over the weekend. we had a quickie session on the saturday, that i was excited about but wasn't expecting anything out of, if you know what i mean. then on sunday, we had a lengthy session and tried all kinds of things! poor H probably lost about 5lbs in sweat, lol. but sadly, the only way i could was with, erm, man's friend, as we call it. soooo disappointing for me, and i bet for him too. but he said something that really lifted my spirits: "you've had this problem before, and it all came right. i'm sure we'll get it worked out this time as well." hooray for H!
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ok, all, TMI over!

we had a ball's up with the delivery of the spa pool this week (movers only sent ONE GUY to pick it up! after telling us they didn't need a crane, just to have it on the ground. morons), so H took today off, hired a crane, and toted it home (6 hour round trip). by the time i got home, it was installed and half full! lots of opportunity for admiration. he did such a good job, and it's a marvelous pool! he grinned like a little boy when i told him how smart & wonderful he is. he's not a smiler, so that was lovely to see!

LWFH, have you had the dr appt yet?

Hope you get to feeling better, Letty!

I've had times like you described (of your weekend "tries") and that's no fun at all! It's been rare for me, thankfully. It's so frustrating, esp. when you're a person that's used to no having this issue at all.) I really think you would benefit from that device since it works specifically to increase blood flow, right to that area.

One thing I've gotten into lately is adding flax seed meal to my diet. My brother is a health nut and he talked to me about it and then I did some research. It is great properties: omega 3's, antioxidants, and all kinds of good stuff I can't think of right now. It even aids in healthy cell growth. The research I read said it helps people with diabetes as well as improves heart function. It's so easy to just throw it on my cereal in the mornings. The recommended dose is about 2 tablespoons a day. You have to do it ground though, because the whole seeds just go right through. You can also do flax seed oil, but that doesn't have all the benefits of ground flax seed; it has extra Omega 3 though, I believe.

Good job on the admiration over the pool!

ground flax, ok, i can get that. does it have a flavour? can i put it on other things?

my mother also recommended agave. i had not heard of this, but one of my students works at the health food shop and says they have it, so if i insist on making carob toll house cookies i can use that, lol. however, after a month now of healthy eating, i find i have no desire, really, for cookies anymore. (yay!) however, i'd like to make them for H, and the better-than-sugar thing will be good for him too. i have done some reading now on agave, and it is supposedly safe for diabetics.

today is the first time in 6 months that i have put on some clothes and not looked "fat" to myself in the mirror. hopefully last year's ball gown will still fit on saturday! however, i do not feel good enough today to go to my hair appointment and i stayed home from work to try and conserve my energy. i'm hoping this will go quickly, and feel a tiny bit better today than yesterday. my head & neck hurt so much last night, like they were in a vise, and whenever i moved, it tightened. yuck.

ok, i'd better get ready to go see the nurse (ie: not in my pajamas).

What - you don't go to your doc appointments in your pajamas????
LOL

I've heard of agave too but haven't tried it. You'll have to let me know how it goes.

The ground flax doesn't have much of a taste - maybe a slight nutty flavor but it certainly isn't unpleasant at all. It does have a texture to it and that can be off-putting to some people, but if you put it on the right thing (cereal or oatmeal, for instance) you can't even tell. I don't mind it in yogurt, but my son does.

Sure hope you get to feeling better!

thanks. turned out to be a terrible allergic reaction to the massive pollen dump we had a few days ago. you can actually *see* pollen here. everything outside was coated with a layer of yellow dust. i actually thought it was sulfur from the volcano that blew its top the day before (since we could smell it), but no, pine pollen everywhere. feeling much better now thanks to the rain (and sudafed)!

and good news! in the last 4 weeks i have lost just over 5 kilos. that's just over 11 pounds, for you imperial folks. i'm so stoked! and that's by only changing my diet to healthier products (no exercise as yet - after the ball and exams!). the nurse gave me a big hug! i'm just a little bit away from a 20% weight loss that will cut my risk factors in half.

had a good soak in the spa last night, and looking forward to another tonight. H is in a snit though. i'm desperate for a substitute photographer for the ball, since the one we've booked hasn't responded to any email/phonecalls/texts in the last week! so i asked if his friend would be interested in doing it (pro photog), and he not very helpful at all in his reply to me! he did, however, contact his friend. then he called him right when i was in the middle of preparing dinner and had my hands covered with food as i was preparing what was going in the oven, and he got all crotchety because i didn't want to talk w/him right then! geez. so much for go to the man when you want something solved, not sympathized with!

hopefully all will go well tomorrow. and if it doesn't, i have to say i'm beyond caring at this point!

so, after all that whining in my last post, last night went very well. well, at least until the spa cover fell over and bonked me on the head, grinding Hs and my noses together! my snozz and head still hurt! lol.

spent all morning decorating for the ball tonight, and am sitting here now with my hair in a fancy updo, complete with glitter spray!

so...i tried something. about two months ago, i said to H: i just want to tell you, this one time, that the ball is on august 11th. you know how i like you to look, so i can show you off. i'm not going to mention another word about it. and i haven't.

what did i get today? a man freshly shaven, with a proper haircut, and his tux ready to go! so, this no-nagging thing DOES work! lmao!

looking forward to a wonderful, if ear-shattering, evening tonight.

Have fun at the ball, friend.

Way to go Mr. Letty.