hi LWFH! my doc didn't mention anything about the side effects, which kinda bugs me, as i wouldn't have taken this particular drug if i had known. and i'm so glad you mentioned sexual dreams! i can't remember the last time i had one (and goodness knows they beat dreams about Hs and cheating hands down!) i look forward to their return.

i know i shouldn't have just quit cold turkey, but i'm willing to face the side effects of *that* in my quest to get back to business! i'd be interested in hearing about this testosterone therapy...

hi UW, glad to hear from you! i hope you two do go back to SH - he really keeps things on track for you and provides the accountability your H needs to have. i concur your comment about little kids. i can't imagine what life would have been like with more than 1, and how i ever would have managed to stay married with multiple. though, as you can tell, i'm not horribly maternal! it's good to know my own limits.

and believe me, i'm gonna get that need filled, even if i have to bend over backwards (haha) to do it!

i look forward to your update!

Bend over BACKWARDS, whhaaattt? I don't think I've heard of that one. Must consult the kama sutra...

Thanks for the date night idea Letty

lmao, you're welcome!

i've always been flexible on the how.

I can relate to what you're going through, Letty. In the back of my mind I'm wondering if it's the ADs or just aging or what. I'm not on ADs but I've had issues with this too lately as you know, and it is SOOO frustrating! I've been wondering a lot lately about bioidentical hormones and if they work and whether or not they're safe...

I guess I need to order that dang device! lol

How's the cold-turkeying the ADs working out?

I have and I like it, though I haven't been able to completely give up the real ones. I am using the electronic one more and more though. You can also get the liquid for it in different flavors. I'm trying strawberry right now and it's pretty good. The company is called Never Light Again.

Hey Sunny. Interesting thing, I just returned from my check up appointment with my bioidentical hormone lady. She has a great website that anyone can go visit. She is VERY thorough in her information. She has been doing this for a LOOOONNNGGGG time!! She is a pioneer of this. She has taught hundreds of OB's, PA's and Dr.'s all over the United States about it. It is www.returnofpassion.com. I have been on them for a year and a half. You will have to have bloodwork done. I had extreme low levels of Vitamin D. This is very dangerous. That is a red flag for breast cancer!!! I also was low in progesterone, estrogen and testosterone. Most Americans are low in vitamin D, believe it or not. This along with the other low levels causes weakness, tiredness, lack of focus, fuzzy brain, MOODYNESS, and so much more!! You will feel better if you get your levels back to normal. Estrogen is the thing that will help the foggy brain the most! Hope this helps.

Thanks, LB! I am definitely going to check this out! Interestingly, I have just started taking Vitamin D supplements along with my daily flax seed.

hi all. this has been a really bad week. one of our staff members committed suicide last saturday night. it was a shock to everyone; however, it was very planned. he wrote a new will, packed up all his stuff, left a note, etc. i guess he had made his decision, but man, i wish i had had even a little inkling that all wasn't right. the note told his partner to stay away from their shed, but of course she went running out there. that must have been horrible, just horrible. i can't even imagine.

the funeral was very nice. the minister (anglican) didn't shy away from the fact that it was a suicide and handled it with grace. some of our students, and our headmaster, spoke, and all of our students who attended did the haka as the casket went out. my heart really about broke when the grandbaby said "bye bye mikie" as the casket was carried out.

:: we've had to hold a straight face and keep things as regular as normal for the students, but we (staff) sure could use talking time as well. they did make counselling available to us, in addition to the students, but with everyone picking up extra lessons and duties, i don't think anyone had a chance to take advantage of it.

i am glad this week is over. going cold turkey on the ADs has been ok; just some quite vivid dreams. not bad, just weird. i'm looking forward to the payoff.

i'll be back to post later. just feeling blah.

oh, on the upside, i have been browsing this blog on a couple who have adopted several children, including a couple special needs - they have 17 children total! their M sounds amazing! http://smilesandtrials.blogspot.co.nz/ it says ".nz" but they live in california.

to you during this tough time, friend.

That's really awful, Letty. So sorry to hear that about your co-worker.

ok, i just need to vent. maybe this is what happens with cold turkey on the ADs, maybe it's just that my feelings are all in turmoil because of my colleague, or the trouble i'm having with one particular class that's making me feel crappy. i don't know.

rant on:

i am just pissed off today. it's been a [censored] weekend. the weather has been damp. H has wanted to do nothing. "i'm tired. my shoulder hurts. blah blah blah." christ, i'm the one with the chronic illness, who hasn't been pain free in over 20 years! and he won't do a damn thing about it - won't go to the dr, won't try a heating pad, won't take a painkiller, won't go to the oesteopath, nothing! just wants to complain. i NEVER complain about my pain. otherwise, i'd never have time for anything else.

i looked forward to getting in the garden all week, since that's where we've been spending most of our time together lately. no gardening. yesterday, he mentioned going bowling today. no bowling. we were going to go to dinner at a nice restaurant last night - i got a $75 voucher from work for organising the ball - but we couldn't find the voucher at the last minute (turned out cleaning lady had moved it to my desk downstairs) so we went to our usual place (all dolled up), scarfed down our food, checked out the new (temporary) ice skating rink (full of teens), then came home, where H plopped in front of the rugby.

then, today, after ZERO affection all weekend, he wanted to have sex. he must have been gobsmacked when i said no (i NEVER say no!). seriously, you've ignored me all weekend, and now you expect me to have sex with you? yeah, right!

at this very moment, i am feeling that this is just too much work. that i will never get over "it" and the later blowback, and that it's just not worth trying to fix a shattered M when i could meet someone else who has already learned their lessons and is ready to be a terrific husband. i've even taken off my wedding ring because i'm feeling spiteful, which i've never, ever done (it feels weird).

i tried to go over the week and count up all the little acts that add up to EN meeting, and they were few and far between this week (on his part). i'm just feeling empty and depressed and tired.

and, like UW, i am sick and tired of not getting the sex i want and how i want it! SICK i tell you! gah!!! at this point, i wish I was the one who had the affair! ok, maybe just a teeny-weeny bit, not a lot. i'm feeling so mean right now, i wish he could feel just a fraction of the pain i've felt.

big sigh. ok,
/rant

that's better. a little, anyhow. thanks for letting me get it off my chest before i said or did something really stupid IRL.

(((((((((LETTY))))))))))

I think after the week you've had it's no wonder you are feeling so frustrated. You needed some extra TLC and instead, you got less. Plus, going off the ADs certainly can't have helped.

It's important in times like these to get really specific with yourself and with your H about what you need, how you need it, and how he is falling short. Too many times it's easy to succumb to the big picture of "I feel so bad..." and when you break it down, it may not be as bad as you think. Or - if it is - you can see ways in which to fix it. Learn to ask for what you want and of course, POJA ways to get it!

The weekend plans - and H's hurting shoulder and how to address it - should definitely have been POJA'd. It wasn't.

Cut yourself some slack though: very emotional time.

Letty, I logged in and responded to this TWICE this weekend and both times I goofed it up and accidently erased it.

I was just going to tell you to not let some bad weather and a cruddy weekend derail you. You have a lot going on, you have to realize its not all about your H and his lack of effort right?

Hang in there, hope this week gets better for you.

And I'm happy to see I'm the poster child for not gettin enough.

(My other responses were a LOT longer...)

hey guys, thanks, i'm better. i've realised that i too am having a lot of pain and exhaustion right now, and i need to rest and take better care of myself than i have been doing. 4 morning teas w/carrot cake in the last week have not helped me at all! and i had late appointments 3 out of 4 days last week as well. i'm tired!

boy, i was feeling really pissy the other night, and am so glad i didn't allow it to muck up all my hard work! thanks for being there and letting me vent.

one and half more weeks, and it's the term break. spring is coming too. i can't wait for both!

Glad you are feeling better about things! Things really can get to you if you are tired and overwhelmed. Make sure your H knows how to help you during these times. Let him pamper you some (he may need some instructions, lol).

still here! it's been an exceedingly busy last two weeks with the end of the long winter term. i am exhausted! but today i actually got dressed; yesterday was a pajama day. i really needed it to nurse the respiratory infection that developed after my last weekend gardening. simply no way to take a day off during exam week, and if i had taken friday (the height of my illness) i wouldn't get paid over the holidays. i'm sure the students in the exam i proctored really appreciated the constant noise (cough cough, blow nose, cough cough cough).

things all good on the M front. yesterday we groomed each other like a couple of monkeys before going out to dinner (i shaved the back of his neck; he scrubbed my back w/homemade vanilla-sugar scrub). today i plan on baking, since his shoulder still hurts too much to garden. did i mention he brought me home a wine barrel last weekend? i planted lettuces and carrots. they are doing nicely. i've also gotten started on a long, narrow strawberry bed using the four planters i found in our backyard from the previous owners. they are encircling our garden.

this weekend's paper has got me thinking MB stuff. one article was on the zen of nail polish, and how when we paint our nails we are unable to multitask for the painting/drying period, and can instead really give thought to our lives.

the other was our horoscope, which said: "if you are old enough [snort], remember back 29 years ago." at first, i miscalculated, and thought about when i was 21: married to my abusive 1st husband and knowing nothing at all practical about life, particularly in regard to who i was and what i wanted, never mind how to go about getting it.

then i realised that 29 years ago i was actually 15, the worst of my teen years. it wasn't pleasant thinking back to that year - a lot of grief on several fronts. however, it is good to reflect and think about how far we've come. too often we only consider how far we have to go.

so i focused my thoughts not on the pain of that year, but on my own thought processes. how i'd been educated on how to have a seriously bad marriage, how i didn't know how to get to where i wanted to be, how awkward is was to be growing up in a split generation, where women were still marrying out of high school, while others were starting to make careers for themselves.

then i thought about how both my parents raised me to be independent, how my mother reiterated again and again not to need or depend on a man (yes, this is funny coming from a woman who's been married 4 times and has never been alone since she first married at 18), how little prepared i was for M.

i am so happy to have found MB and a plan to guide my M to make it so much more rewarding than it ever was. and i am a bit ashamed at my own selfishness in the first years of our M, how independent i was, how demanding. and i am of a generation that took "marriage and family" in high school (along with learning, with all the other girls, how to type). i still have my term project - a wedding plan. how silly and school-girlish it is! despite teaching us cooking, budgeting, and caring for a baby, nothing in the class taught us about the care of husbands or how to grow a marriage! thinking back to this class, i don't recall anything at all about nurturing a relationship beyond that of a newborn. and certainly nothing about how that newborn came to be. like everything else in our society, the class was all about the wedding.

so my final self-reflection? to not waste time mourning what has been lost but instead counting blessings for what has been gained.

ps: i think i'm through the AD withdrawals.

What a wonderful reflection, Letty, thank you for sharing it! I think it's a great mindset for any of us. Glad to see your strength through the journey.

I am guilty at times of thinking too much about what could have been, had I known better and made better decisions years ago. It does no good; it's a pointless exercise. I try very hard to just keep my mind on the present and future most of the time these days!

Glad you all are doing well, Letty. I can relate so much to what you've said.

ladies, i am ever so pleased to report that 1) it has been one month since i have taken any ADs and 2) i am back in working order!

i feel like a person again, instead of a zombie. i hadn't realised how numb and deadened i had gotten, everywhere (not just *there*). they were definitely a bad match-up for me.

the return of "all in working order" has been fantastic! i am sooooo happy, i could just do the happy dance all day. it certainly does give me a rosier outlook on just about everything, haha.

that's all i'm going to write for today. hope you're all having a good weekend.