I'm not sure what to do. We have been separated for a few months now and even though the affair has died a year ago, we still can't get along.

The affair did completely taint her and she was really foggy, but when it died she never really snapped out of the my way or the highway, hypocritical, difficult to get along with attitude, which has existed to a lesser degree our entire marriage.

We tried some false recoveries, and I made a bunch of huge mistakes (that may cost us our family, if it was savable in the first place) like letting her come home too soon.

Now she is acting very independent and doesn't seem to want to show any affection towards me, is very critical, blaming me for things she does (projecting), unable to accept any criticism, pretty much the dish it out but can't take it type.

I tried to get her to do counseling with MB, but she didn't want to do that because she didn't like the logical approach. She is the if we are in love we will just feel it type. She did some IC but that guy just told her to follow her heart which made things worse. Thankfully she doesn't see him anymore.

She tends to procrastinate and rarely considers things down the road. She usually only deals with things in the moment so she won't address issues until that moment comes, and frequently she can't address issues without locking up and putting up an emotional barricade.

She doesn't have any friends anymore (except for the one friend which supported her though the affair, who now is using an adulterous relationship to 'escape' her husband, which my wife supports and justifies because her husband isn't a good guy, which is true), and she left the church 2 years ago and doesn't have any interest in going back.

She is also very good at hiding since she was seeing OM off and on our entire marriage and justified it because they didn't have sex (at least not until last summer when she finally stopped contact.)

At this point I have stopped talking to her except to take care of the children, and I am starting to suspect that she has borderline personality disorder or narcissism. I've never met anyone in my life that was so disconnected from reality and only able to see things her way.

It's like she pretended to be the perfect wife all of these years, hiding behind her image. Once she was exposed she stopped trying to have an image, left the church, started swearing, wants a boob job, seems to think porn is no big deal, and doesn't seem to want to do anything to meet my needs.

Now I'm separated in my own rental and she is filing for legal separation so she can force me to pay for our house (which she will keep), child support, and her college tuition.

My plan is to let her file for separation to keep things peaceful and try to get a better financial outcome then go into a dark plan B (she doesn't handle being cut off well, which is not surprising since she is the master of it) and see if she will grow out of this, but I seriously doubt it. After a few months I think I'll just divorce and move on.

What makes this so hard is that even though she was pretending and hiding she seemed really great for a long time and she is very pretty (which is one of my big emotional needs) so it's like she can deposit just enough to keep me hanging on which is very painful.

So what about tomorrow? Do I contact her to spend time with her on our anniversary or do I just pretend it doesn't exist anymore?

She wants me to come over and be together as a family but it's just more cake eating because she wants me to be kind to her while she avoids dealing with her own issues. If I go and take all of her judgments, support her in whatever she wants, and only return kindness then she is happy, as that aligns with her view that it's all my fault and that she is practically perfect in every way, but I just can't do it anymore. I'm going mad.

Thanks for any help you can send.
ak

No contact since mayish, apparently OMW found all of the emails which was very descriptive and damaging. I was told that the emails were the only contact, then later after I dug a bit WW revealed that they were actually seeing each other.

WW and I talked a bit more tonight about going through marriage builders and she basically said that she doesn't have the emotional energy to do it right now and doesn't want to commit to doing it later. She also said that she doesn't want to divorce because of our children so basically the marriage is back to where it was when OM got married and there was an extended period of no contact.

She said that our marriage was like living a lie and neither of us want to fake it anymore, but that we don't really have a choice because of our children.

So basically she isn't over OM and is pissed that she is stuck with me. It seems obvious that she will split the second that the kids are out of the house.

I told her that we didn't have to live this way and that marriage builders works, but she didn't really want to hear it. I told her that we have nothing to loose and the whole world to gain, but for now I guess it's easier to be angry and bitter ( told you she was stubborn.) She is the type that won't take the easy way out if it means that she would be wrong.

As long as NC is in place and she isn't checking on him I think it's probably better for me to stop talking about him because I am being the trigger. Perhaps it would be much easier to convenience her to do marriage builders when I'm not dragging out all the hurt and pain again.

I will say though that an unhappy marriage is prime for another affair, but I don't think she would do that at this point because the pain of this one is still fresh on everyone's mind and because I think that she values this pile of dung enough to not replace him.

Part of me wants to leave and be done with it. I love this girl and want to keep our family together, but the emotional abuse is great and its starting to feel like divorce would be the easier path to take.

I just talked to DS12 on his cell phone. I guess my wife is having her only friend and the friends affair partner over for dinner. So my kids are over in my house watching these people play family. This entire thing makes me sick. And the sad part is that I'm not going to be able to completely get away from it as long as we have kids and she acts this way.

I was really hoping things would change, but I guess not.

I was really hoping things would change, but I guess not.

Dear Wife,

You know that I love you very much and care a lot about you. I'm deeply saddened that we can't seem to make our relationship work.

I really want to have a romantic and intimate relationship with you, but I have come to the conclusion that parting ways would be easier on both of us if we can't be completely happy together.

Right now I'm struggling to see how happiness is even possible because we frequently run into a situation where I upset you, you alienate me, then I withdrawal.

The entire thing is stupid really because I end up doing the thing that I wish you wouldn't do. I end up avoiding you to protect myself while I'm upset that you are doing the same. I wish we could stay connected through our conflict and work together, but it doesn't seem to work out that way very often.

The catalyst appears to be me trying to communicate to you when I am hurt or offended. Obviously, I'm looking for you to respond with empathy and validation, but somehow, through our dynamic, it usually ends up in withdrawal.

Two days ago I asked you how I can communicate to you in ways that aren't upsetting to you, and what I heard you say was not to bring it up at all because you didn't want to hear it. This will never work for me because I don't feel cared for or important to you, instead I feel used and abused.

At this point we are at a standstill. You are often critical of me when I don't do something you want, look after your concerns, or act in ways that cause you to feel uncared for. I completely understand where you are coming from, you want me to love you the way you feel loved and you want me to stop doing the things that hurt you. I want to do the same with you but I don't feel like I can without getting blown off or shut out.

There are little things you say or do which feel like an attack to me. You will say, "are you paying attention to what is going on here" or you will roll your eyes at me signalling that you are upset, while at the same time end the conversation.

I want to communicate with you that I would much rather you say, "Can you help me out with this" or politely say that you would rather talk about the issue later, because I don't like being attacked or disrespected, but attempts to communicate this usually get blocked.

This is a major dilemma for me. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. It's as if my options are to never criticize you, live with things that hurt, and accept your criticism or move on without you.

I know in my heart that you really care for me and that you aren't trying to hurt me, but this is my reality. This is how I perceive your words and actions.

I don't see how it's possible to ever be happy together if we aren't able to communicate to each other the things that hurt and know that the other person will do their best to address the issue. Somehow I need to hear what you are saying and do my part to protect you from the hurt, and you need to do the same with me.

In order for our relationship to progress past this point I will need us to work out a system where we can hear and accept each others feedback without anger or withdrawal. I will do my part to hear you and change the way I treat you, and I will require you to do the same. If I am not listening to you please use the words, 'I need you to listen and understand', and I will clue in on that and listen. When we are done working through things that bother you I will probably have my own issues to bring to you and I will want you to listen as well. This isn't a comeback or blame shifting, it's both of us willing to hear and understand each other, which I believe is a requirement for us to move forward.

Until we have this figured out I'm going to keep my distance. It's just too painful to have a couple of nice evenings cuddling and loving each other, with you stroking my hair, and looking into my eyes softly telling me you love me, then the next day receive hurtful comments and actions that kick start our dynamic that ends in complete withdrawal of emotional connection and affection.

Also, I am completely miserable living separated. I want to share my life with someone, have our children around, and be part of a team and a family. I will agree to separation with you to allow you to adopt <foster child> as long as you are willing to work through the issues above (in weekly counseling) while we are waiting for the adoption to be final and have a plan to live together again, otherwise I would like to file for divorce. I'm no longer interested in waiting to see if something happens between us when we aren't actively working toward a solution. Our relationship needs to be on the path to reconciliation, caring, understanding, forgiving, or it needs to be on the path to divorce because camping out here in the middle is not working for me.

Your Husband,
ak1