Anointed, I am horrified! He is demeaning you, your baby girl, and really all women...And he's trying to cover it with a joke?

Come hell or high water, I would be very inclined to take Dr. Harley's advice about now.

After thinking about this today, I want to caution you against seeing your H as verbally abusive or having unacceptable attitudes because of the way he responded to this news.

Anointed, you must be aware that people have strong feelings about wanting boys or wanting girls. This does not make them abusive or unacceptable - although they should refrain for speaking of the disappointment in ways that might reach the child one day.

I've known people who have had only one sex of child and because of that, longed for the other. I have a friend who has 5 boys and no girls. She was as proud as punch after boy no.1 - I always had the impression that she pitied me for not having delivered a boy as my firstborn. She was still happy with boy no.3, and would get bristly when people implied that she must be disappointed with him after going through so much pregnancy trauma.

She wasn't disappointed in him at all, but by pregnancy no.4 she admitted that she and her H would like a girl. She never implied that they didn't love their boys - but a mixed family would be nice. A daughter would be lovely for her in the all-male household.

She found out during pregnancy 5 that she was having another boy, and she said that her heart ached for her H, whose face she saw drop at the news - just for a moment, then he was back to saying he was happy to have a healthy baby.

Their 5, strapping, handsome boys are now aged 15-23 and making their way in the world. They are wonderful and any parent would be proud of them, but if she sometimes wishes she could have had a daughter I would understand that.

My own mother had daughters and no sons and only as I grew older did I hear her talk about the loss she felt. A lot of people will tell you that sons have a special relationship with their mothers. As little children they adore their mothers in a way that girls might not, and even when they are grown up they hold a soft spot for their mothers. Whether that is true or not, my mother appeared to have felt that she missed out on something very special by not having a doting son.

Yes, I know that both doting sons, and sugar-and-spice girls, can grow up to be drug addicts and axe murderers, and that, in most cases, we end up loving our kids to the ends of the earth regardless of sex, but that's not the point. It's that many people have (irrational, perhaps) desires when it comes to wanting sons or daughters - or the perfect balance of both, as your H seems to want.

That doesn't make them bad, abusive, unacceptable or cruel.

It's just a disappointment for now, and even if it remains a disappointment for life that he did not have another son, it does not mean that your H will not love the girl he is given. I've seen that it is possible to quietly, and infrequently, mourn what you have "lost" without associating that loss with the child that was given.

(Listen'na me....O She who doesn't take her OWN ADVICE!)

How's your LB$? Sounds like he doesn't want you to complain, either (he's got time to work out, but not post here? He won't change his work schedule so y'all can get some UA?)

This is ALL abuse.

Disrupting your wife's thread to defend yourself or justify your choices will do very little to improve your marriage.

Anointed is a big girl. She can defend her own values, sir.

I am simply fighting for my marriage. I'm fighting those that are advising my wife to do harm to our relationship. I'm going to fight very hard against complete strangers who know very little about our lives or relationships, who have no counselling credentials, and who have admitted and current major maritial problems yet advise my wife to kick me out or walk out on our family.
I'm not trying to correct or speak for Annointed. She has the right and ability to speak for herself. My responses are meant to defend my marriage! Does having both sides to the story not help you get a wholistic picture and thus give more educated advice? Annointed invited my to read her threads and post. Am I breaking an unwritten rule- possibly written but I sure haven't read it- by posting on this thread? I assume it would be easier for people to offer assistance to us if we are on the same thread, sharing the same stories.

Are both of you enthusiastic about having another child when y'all seem to be unsure about finances.

Thank you, Annointed, for putting the conversation back on the right path.
I listed MY needs. I guess I wasn't aware that I was supposed to automatically eliminate/weight some of them because I was male or because I had an affair a decade ago, etc....
There were reasons for my rankings; feel free to ask me directly if you have any questions about my intentions, feelings, or beliefs. I'll be the only one able to give you the right answer.
H&O- After reading her posts, I realized that she had been and was hiding a lot from me. Learning from my own mistakes, I understand how important radical honesty truly is for a strong marriage.
SF- I like sex. It feels good and it helps me feel more attached to my wife on multiple plains. She began keeping track of how often we have sex to get a better idea of my SF - despite a previous post of hers stating we have sex twice a week, the calendar shows we've only averaged .69 (irony, right?!?!) times per week since February.
FS- Although I am the bread winner, I still want to feel supported. She manages the bills and I often find out about her internet orders and shopping while I'm away at work as an after thought with seemingly little regard for our conversations about the budget. Since I ranked my needs, she is now more transparent. However, she was very insistent that we repaint two rooms and furnish one with new furniture last week. I desire support in our finances! I said as much on the questionnaire.
Admiration- I like to be admired.
FC- Regardless of the time of day, I can walk in the door and my wife is on FB, MB, shopping, or watching TV on the ipad or computer. In the evening when I come home, she usually retreats to the bedroom alone and does those things for hours. I need us both to be on the same page, engaging one another and the kids. I personally desire to be more engaged with my kids.

Z, please stop. You also took over her thread bashing and verbally attacking her husband knowing he was reading the thread. His response were towards you. He needs to stay off her thread but your continued dissing of him is not helping.

I'm not necessarily happy at work and I'm trying to make changes, although they don't appear to be quick or impactful enough to please my wife considering the lambasting that I received just the other day.
Do you believe that my finding another job should be POJA'd? What about her NOT working- POJA?

Anointed, I think you and your husband are severely lacking in POJA agreements. He wasn't enthusiastic about the furniture, he doesn't seem enthusiastic about how much you spend on hair cuts, and he doesn't seem enthusiastic about finding another job.

You might also examine your tone of voice and the way you display your displeasure. He feels disrespected and insulted about the movie ordeal, the haircuts, and the lawn mowing. All spending should be POJA. There is an indication that you spend without consulting your spouse first.

Are both of you enthusiastic about having another child when y'all seem to be unsure about finances.

I can see that you are asking us to stop taking sides based on a partial view of the events in your marriage. I agree that posters taking sides can set one spouse against the other, and can exacerbate the sense of war within the marriage. What we should all be trying to achieve is for the couple to work with each other on the marriage, not fight each other.

I think that since you feel that the advice you are getting here is advising your wife to do harm to your relationship, you should try to get advice directly from Dr Harley. He will give you free advice on the radio show, and follow up that advice with you in private, via email, for free. I know that your wife has done this, but without your cooperation and input it probably still feels to you as if you were unfairly demonised to him.

If you feel that a one-sided picture has been painted and responded to, then you must see that the best scenario is for you to jointly work with Dr Harley. Do not allow either one of you to get your story in first, as this results in the other spouse feeling hard done by, and becoming defensive. Make an agreement to work together on MB for the good of your marriage. You are not each other's enemy. Put down your weapons and agree to cooperate in asking for Dr Harley's help.

Agreed. Z, I know you think you're standing up for Annointed, but it is NOT helping. You don't have the experience and perspective of an MB Vet and your own current situation is undermining your credibility.

Annointed and Ship need to go higher up the MB food chain, like Sugar Cane suggested. Frankly, it might be wise for both of them to let their threads fade for the moment...IF they seek that assistance.