I have and do consider Dr H's advice. Ship has not had any AO's as of late. I've assisted him with his part time work, and he has respectfully asked me for things. I have asked him many times how he feels about such and such... we are being much more considerate. I just feel like a...I don't know...that he isn't posting here when it has been a requirement for me. He did mention that his schedule has been tight and what did I want him to work on? MB or finding a job?

He is doing neither.

He gets home late almost every day and will not change his schedule from 7-4 to 8-5...at least I wouldn't feel like his job is taking that extra hour (salary) if he did that. He rarely gets home before 5.

Anyway, he gets home late, looks at his email, does some part time work at times, goes to work out, does random honeydos and then he's wiped out.

I know he doesn't sit and waste time.

What is important to us?

His job does not pay near enough, and he is stressed by our lack of funds. And he works way over 40 hours. It pisses me off!

DO something if a situation is unacceptable. This is the same job he has had since we conceived our 3 year old...the one that was a problem for our finances THEN.

We started talking about finding a different job almost 4 years ago.

ACTION, please.

Action? A little less talk, and a lot more action....

Have y'all ever heard that country song? I bet Ship feels that way.



BUT...

I'm super bothered.

I'm glad he hasn't been AO'ing. Has he improved in respectfulness toward you too?

How's your LB$? Sounds like he doesn't want you to complain, either (he's got time to work out, but not post here? He won't change his work schedule so y'all can get some UA?)

I can see why you're bothered...it won't go away until you guys address it. Is your "botheration" on the front burner, in the interest of O&A?

I don't know Zhamila. He knows I want things to change, and he says he wants them to change as well.

It's the action that is lacking.

He knows I hate it when he comes home late all the time. I feel like the company is stealing from me. He doesn't like it when I complain about it...probably because I haven't been very respectful about it in the past.

Since I am working on staying respectful, sometimes it's easier just to keep my mouth shut.

Ever thought about recording your conversations with him? You could raise the issue that's bothering you (let him know you're recording, of course) - then see what happens? That really helped me to understand where the problem was coming from.

Surprise: it wasn't my "disrespect"...it was his unwillingness to address my legitimate complaints.

Sorry, I just know that a lack of openness and honesty is going to breed resentment - sounds like it already has. Unless you're quiet because you are getting your ducks in a row and planning your escape (which I wouldn't expect you to post here, since your H reads this)?

Hugs to you.

I have thought of recording our conversations. We actually have a recorded conversation where I'm positive I was a complete witch. Don't know the purpose of Ship saving it.

Ship actually got off not long after 4pm today and went to the grocery store. He called and asked if there was anything I needed and I mentioned a couple of things. He came home at 5pm with the groceries and 2 movie rentals. (This kinda aggravated me since his work and the store are just down the street. I wanted him to come home. I always want him to come home. My lovebank is just too low I guess.)

Ugh.

It made me angry. He doesn't have time for things but he's renting movies? I know I'm judging here. I'm trying not to. Not only did he rent 2 movies (one for the kids and one for "us") but the one for "us" was a rated R movie. I don't watch rated R movies.

When he got here I asked why he went to the grocery store (hoping grabbing a movie was just an afterthought) but he said it was to get a movie. He did also say that he would like to relax.

I totally get that.

I'm just burned up. I told him that I was bothered that he was renting movies without talking to me and he asked if I controlled his life so much that he has to ask to rent a movie? Then he said he was going to mow the lawn tonight. Ugh again.

We live in a nice area with an HOA but our yard is far from ugly. I wouldn't even say the grass is long. Where are the fires? Why is the yard top priority? It's probably because he doesn't have much other time during the week to do it.

If he made more $$ we could hire someone else to do it.

I told him my frustration about him going to get a haircut yesterday that took over 1.5hrs since he had to wait for the person. He said he told me he was getting a haircut, and I said that was my point. I said okay, but it was in a reluctant tone. He tells me as he's walking out the door. He said he told me earlier in the week that he needed to mow.

I said that was the problem. He is telling me what he is going to do without asking me how I feel about it. He said why does he have to ask me? I said I guess I can just buy whatever I want then without asking him? He said that purchases are different.

How?

I told him I was frustrated with his schedule and frustrated that he is doing things without talking to me, and I need to see action.

Then he shows me a note he put on his phone to look for jobs. I told him that is fine but I need to see action. He also told me last weekend that he'd help me put together some furniture, look at MB and look for jobs. None of that happened.

See why I'm frustrated? I'm not saying he didn't WANT those things to happen; they are just not happening and that is making me feel anxious and upset.

He also did have an AO and cussed. I told him that it may have been in the past that I didn't allow him to complain, but now he does not allow me to complain and misbehaves in the process (AO). He said, no you are just criticizing.

I'm so frustrated! I try to keep the peace, and I let him know when I'm feeling uncomfortable but he just goes ahead and does the little things I'd prefer not to do anyway.

I did leave him alone and was pleasant to the kids (I used to take my frustration out on EVERYONE). I brought Ship his dinner in the office and he was looking at MB.

Now he is mowing the lawn.

Not sure what is happening.

Why don't you do family dinner? Have all of you sit around one table and dine together. Is that feasible?

It's feasible CWMI. I'm just holed up in my room right now watching Hulu. It's my go-to reaction when I'm trying not to fight.

OK Anointed, I read your post with my mouth hanging open.

He is so far from caring for and respecting you, it's absolutely insane. The cr*p about "I have to ask permission to rent a movie?" is just him saying he doesn't care about you, doesn't care about your feelings, cares only about himself.

Plan B, my dear. Plan B.

...and the fact that he has skillfully made you believe that it's all YOUR fault - he's a freaking diabolical magician!!

Please do some research on destructive men and destructive relationships. Gather your strength. Dr. Harley says to separate when one spouse is destroying the marriage - that's what he is doing.

Go.

Anointed, I just read your H's thread - he comes across as aggressive, belligerent and scary. He thinks his AO's are a fine way to treat people. Whoa.

Do you really want your dear children growing up suffering under his angry dictatorship? Do you want them spending years in therapy because their mom didn't protect them from such an abusive father?

Even if you can't do this for yourself, please do it for your children.

Have you thought about calling an abuse hotline? They are great at telling you whether you are simply "blowing things out of proportion" - as your H says - or if your instincts are accurate and he is an abusive, controlling person. Please call.

Yes, I agree with you that the attitude he is taking towards our marriage is destructive. I'm hoping that the more he posts here honestly (like he did last night) the more help we will both receive.

My husband is not opposed to learning new things. Far from it. But it does take some time to sway him. It's something that I've actually always admired about him.

I'm not sure I'm totally there yet, Zhamila. He is right. He doesn't yell. But his words cut like a knife.

When he is angry, he can really hurt with how and what he says. He doesn't yell, but he acts angry. He knows exactly what to say to cut me right to the bone. And I him.

His most glaring problem is the disrespect he shows when he is angry and the DJs he throws around. He can make SD but mostly those are the 2. Well and I guess IB since he doesn't even want to ask me how I'd feel about renting a movie.

I don't know.

He is always talking about what is "fair" and he tries to teach me instead of listening to me. He could learn a lot from me too.

I wish he would embrace MB wholeheartedly, but he has taken offense to the verbage. I used to tell him that he was abusive years before I found MB (things were MUCH worse then on both sides) and he would get very angry with me for saying that.

So lets look at the dictionary. Abuse is:

VERB
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. to commit sexual assault upon.
5. Obsolete . to deceive or mislead.
NOUN
6. wrong or improper use; misuse: the abuse of privileges.
7. harshly or coarsely insulting language: The officer heaped abuse on his men.
8. bad or improper treatment; maltreatment: The child was subjected to cruel abuse.
9. a corrupt or improper practice or custom: the abuses of a totalitarian regime.
10.rape or sexual assault.

He is difficult at times. Mind-numbingly difficult. I get tired of making dissertations everytime I try to get my point across. He is very slow to take my word for it...anyone's word for it. It is something that I admired...that he was not easily swayed. But the negative side of it is that he is slow to learn at times.

I'm just tired of having this discussion. We discussed the way he chooses to behave when he is angry when we were 17 years old. I broke up with him once for that when we were children.

I know that he was raised with a VERY disrespectful household, and he really doesn't like what he sees these days. But as much as he hates it, he oftentimes is doing the very thing he hates.

Just as we all do, I suppose.

Zhamila,
If you treat or talk about your own husband like this, then I can see why you are having so many problems in your marriage. Whoa. Please spend more time on fixing your own problems and less time stirring up my marriage. And when you quote someone, the idea is to use their actual words, and in context.
Dictatorship? Really? I don't call all the shots in this house. My wife gets her way far more that I get mine, perhaps because I don't think its worth the arguement, but since she has been on the website for years and myself for a month I would expect her to be a little better at POJA!
Abusive father? You don't know anything about me except what Anointed has said, and as any intelligent person probably knows, a person's story is told from their perspectives with the bias. How can you tell a wife to leave her husband when you don't even have the full story?
Abuse hotline? Seriously, lady? Let's keep those lines open for...actual abuse. Your above pasted post is far more abusive than anything that has happened in my house recently. If I were so controlling then I wouldn't allow my wife to go out to unverified destinations, many late at night; there would be no unmonitored social media; I would know the purchases she makes over the internet and while I'm at work; and I definitely would not let her have any interaction with you. All the while, I call and text her where I'm going, she freely controls the filter on our internet, and she knows every password to my emails and she constanly reads my emails and texts.
I feel that you are railroading my marriage. You need to stop! I don't want MY DEAR CHILDREN growing up in a broken home. Many of the principles and ideas of MB are invaluable, but you are twisting and manipulating them. Focus on your relationship; more appropriately per MB standards, focus on yourself. And before you reply, please seriously consider your words, implications, and motives.

...NOT an excuse to treat anyone else disrespectfully, is it? In fact it should be the opposite: knowing the pain of being treated disrespectfully should make him MORE careful to be respectful of others.

...yeah, 'cause you're not controlling at all "ALLOWING your wife to go out" or "definitely WOULD NOT LET HER have any interaction with YOU" Because you're in charge?

Holy hairballs, Batman! Now you've invaded HER THREAD...you can't even stay on your own! No, Ship isn't controlling AT ALL. (sarcasm)

You sure don't want her talking to anyone else about the truth of your behavior. And you don't want anyone to know what you really do and say in your home.

Next step, Anointed will be "forbidden" to post here. I can see it coming.

Anointed, please get some other outside help. Perhaps the forum isn't safe for you anymore since your H has taken over your thread. Get some books on abusive/controlling men (hide them), call a hotline (when he's not around). Heck, I'm not saying anything non-MB: Dr. Harley himself said that abuse and control are rampant in your relationship, and you should leave.



Correction Ship: YOU are railroading your marriage. I'm just a stranger on the internet. If you are such a wonderful husband, then why is your wife crying and begging for help? Yeah, cause I guess women just cry and beg for help when they have fabulously loving, caring husbands who are just helpless victims, huh?

Talk about "look at yourself..." Go back to your own thread.

Sorry for the high jack. Z, you're not helping by verbally attacking her husband on her thread; that's pretty disrespectful even if you mean well.

And calling the abuse hot line? He hasn't threatened her or physically assaulted her. What is she going to tell them?

His controlling behavior, cussing at her, insulting her and putting her down. Dr. Harley says abuse begins with SDs and DJs, not just physical violence. Trust me, domestic crisis counselors know this all too well.

"Am I Trivializing the Term Abuse?" By Dr. Harley:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067d_qa.html

Thank you, Annointed, for putting the conversation back on the right path.
I listed MY needs. I guess I wasn't aware that I was supposed to automatically eliminate/weight some of them because I was male or because I had an affair a decade ago, etc....
There were reasons for my rankings; feel free to ask me directly if you have any questions about my intentions, feelings, or beliefs. I'll be the only one able to give you the right answer.
H&O- After reading her posts, I realized that she had been and was hiding a lot from me. Learning from my own mistakes, I understand how important radical honesty truly is for a strong marriage.
SF- I like sex. It feels good and it helps me feel more attached to my wife on multiple plains. She began keeping track of how often we have sex to get a better idea of my SF - despite a previous post of hers stating we have sex twice a week, the calendar shows we've only averaged .69 (irony, right?!?!) times per week since February.
FS- Although I am the bread winner, I still want to feel supported. She manages the bills and I often find out about her internet orders and shopping while I'm away at work as an after thought with seemingly little regard for our conversations about the budget. Since I ranked my needs, she is now more transparent. However, she was very insistent that we repaint two rooms and furnish one with new furniture last week. I desire support in our finances! I said as much on the questionnaire.
Admiration- I like to be admired.
FC- Regardless of the time of day, I can walk in the door and my wife is on FB, MB, shopping, or watching TV on the ipad or computer. In the evening when I come home, she usually retreats to the bedroom alone and does those things for hours. I need us both to be on the same page, engaging one another and the kids. I personally desire to be more engaged with my kids.

Zhamila,
Please allow me to redirect you so you can offer some "insightful" assistance.
How do you know what was implied? We've had many discussion about the budget, which came into play. And I didn't blame her for the clock being wrong; neither of us cared enough to reset it, obviously. I was perhaps wrong for insinuating that she must not really care what time it was because the closest clock to our bed had been wrong for months.
You do realize that it's against the law to record people without their consent? I assume you have a hidden camera in our house since you always know exactly what happened. How do you get "lecture" from her three sentences which only state that I said putting the laptop on the couch was a bad idea. That was not our first discussion regarding the laptop. By the way, it was a gift to ME from my parents and I use it for my second job and we can't afford to replace it. We share everything in our marriage, but considering it was a gift to me, I think I have a right to let others know how I want it to be treated.