I think I get your point.

She's not what you called 'pissed' at omw. She embarrassed at what she's done to her. My w is desperate not to have these memories pop up in my head with contact from the Omw. Pissed is not accurate. Scared may be a better word.

TR, the point is MSS and FWW are now rebuilding their own marriage. OMW's opinion of FWW is not material to the task before them. (If OMW were here we could counsel her on her own approach to her recovery, but she's not.)

But where you derive the thought that Mrs MSS is expecting OMW to NOT resent her late adulterous intrusion into the OM/OMW marriage is a mystery. The issue here is Mrs MSS having the right to resent current intrusions back.

Assuming no suspicions of recontact or similar exigencies, they should maintain NC with the entire OM clan. Mrs. MSS should rightly fear and resent OMW's periodic, "Hi, MSS, how are things with you and your slut-wife-from-Hell-who ruined-my-life?" initiatives.

And oh, btw, so should MSS.

Thank you for taking the time I now get yours.

I could live forever without hearing from OMW. After her email in May when she attacked me with some personal junk, she lost her option to be someone who can correspond with me even if its once or twice a year with 'Happy Birthdays' or etc. Now, Id just like to know when she leaves him. This I can hear thru whatever remnants of a grapevine that still exists.

I deleted her email unreplied to.

I doubt Ill be hearing from her again.

Case closed.

My earlier response was to the way I understood what MSS wrote.

As to what I see the heart of what you have just posted is that the old saying applies. Once you open pandora's box you can't undo what happens, you can't put it back into the box.

Her actions set OMW loose. His WW struck the first blow.

Is the OMW suppose to turn the other cheek?

Or is she allowed to up the stakes to get pay back?

Said by MSS: "She's not what you called 'pissed' at omw. She embarrassed at what she's done to her. My w is desperate not to have these memories pop up in my head with contact from the Omw. Pissed is not accurate. Scared may be a better word."

MSS WW is scared and relizes her wrong does nothing to change the circumstances that her actions set the OMW on the lose after her butt.

I sorry for some one to feel the pain and get left with scares. But when your torment a dog don't complain that the dog tore into you.

Yes you can learn from one's mistakes and have regret but you can't get mad at the dog.

My wife (or in fact, we) would prefer not to hear from OMW no matter how infrequent these contacts have occurred.

She does understand what she did to incite this person to lose her mind. That wasnt lost on my W at any time. We both dont understand that after giving us a big "F-Off" in a her email in May when SHE said we shouldnt have any further contact that she felt it necessary to wish me happy birthday.

My wife who has exempified the MB principles without even need to read every word of them understands that this contact from OMW to me simply opens up wounds that could be on the course to healing.

I never expect OMW to forgive my wife nor does my wife. All my wife can do is stay her course and hope OMW someday will be able to move on. My wife knows every contact to me doesnt help this.

My last post MSS was not to get you to come back and address this again. It was aimed at NG.

Whew! It just missed me, dude!

The issue with entertaining OMW's barbs and arrows is that they are directed from outside MSS's "marital circle" at his spouse. He does have spousal responsibility to protect her. He's not supposed to (and HAS NOT, to his credit) stand by and let the missiles strike his FWW, shaking his head and saying, "You deserved that, and that, and OH YEAH, that one too!"

You also must be aware of the likelihood that OMW's vitriol is elevated by her inability to adequately address her rage with OM. Transferring that emotion to Mrs MSS is so easy, unless MSS prevents its efficacy. If she isn't allowed to get through to (at?) Mrs MSS, perhaps she'll be forced to look at her own WH's culpability in this sordid swamp.

There is nothing entertaining about the OMW venting.

Yes there needs to be NC between the guilty and innocent because the repeated verbal abuse is just continuing the abuse of the affair.

MSSWW ran this OMW ship aground onto the rocks. This woman is stuck and broken. OMW only knows how to respond by lashing out at MSSWW.

All this woman sees is MSSWW sailing away on a newly rebuilt boat. This OMW sees no justice. She is not getting her just compensation.

Thing is though MSSWW threw manure into a fan and now wants to complain that she's getting hit by the manure.

Exactly. The time has passed for MSS or Mrs.MSS to continue to be concerned with the OM or OMW. Best to stay totally clear of them at this point, and concentrate on their own lives!

The only point of mentioning the bday email was that exact point. Whats the point of a bday email after her email of May?

There has been no continued contact between anyone since dday. OMW sent 2 emails after dday which were brutal. My wife apologized in a reply to the first. This was my wifes only contact.

If OMW gets torment because my wife got to get her cake by dating her husband and eating it too by having fairly stable recovery after getting caught, then thats too bad.

My wife is trying to live a different life than what she used to live. She is not trying to impress anyone but is hoping to show to anyone who is in the know that he meant nothing to her and it was an aberration. Whether you believe it or not is immaterial.

She believes it.

Again I am responding to NG not you.

"If OMW gets torment because my wife got to get her cake by dating her husband and eating it too by having fairly stable recovery after getting caught, then thats too bad."

So if MSSWW ran a stop sign and killed a person she is to totally block it out?

Or it is ok to block it out because the person here car struck was a bad person anyway?





Your WW messed up this persons life in one of the worse ways possible and all you can say "then that's too bad'?






"My wife is trying to live a different life than what she used to live. She is not trying to impress anyone but is hoping to show to anyone who is in the know that he meant nothing to her and it was an aberration. Whether you believe it or not is immaterial. She believes it."

I believe what you have written. Never doubted your belief in what you have posted.

Because your WW is making amends to you does nothing to alleviate the plight that she put the OMW in.

You are having what you feel is your just compensation. The OMW got robbed and niether of her thieves have had to make any retribution to her. She is bitter because she has not gotten her just compensation.


"There has been no continued contact between anyone since dday. OMW sent 2 emails after dday which were brutal. My wife apologized in a reply to the first. This was my wifes only contact."


MSS,you have been here long enough to read many times that to a BS hearing an apology from the OP was unwanted, and unvalued. As giving a ice to and Eskimo.

I'll close that I was responding and debating with NG.

Sorry, I am just having trouble following the debate.

And, TR, what you wrote just above is obvious.

Never, ever said OWM is a bad person. Never even imagined she deserved what my w did to her.

Dont expect my wife apology to be accepted and things to be byegones.

We are living ours, she should continue to live hers. And per her May email, never the twain should mix. Im good with that.

I was just questioning the birthday not, is all.

MSS's wife has done all she could to offer just compensation to OMW: she stopped seeing OM and she offered up a heartfelt apology. That's all she can do. It is no longer her job to carry that guilt around when she has changed her life completely and devoted it to her family. Of course, it follows that OMW doesn't have to forgive MSS's wife. However, nothing more Mrs. MSS can do on that front.

It is POISON for MSS or his wife to continue to subject themselves to the OM in any way, including OMW. There is nothing else to be done except for OM to clean up his own side of the street and offer up just compensation himself.

I know I certainly didn't look to my H's skank to make amends to me...and still don't. Heck, didn't even get an apology.

MSS,

I think your W understands that she now has to accept her consequences brought on by her actions.

It's just a shame that when your W got sucked into this OMs lifestyle she didn't understand that in some ways she would be linked to OM and his family for the rest of her life. It's a bit like quitting smoking it takes awhile to get the stink out of the drapes.

God Bless
Gamma

She has accepted responsibility minute 1 of dday. Made no excuses. And has taken the slings and arrows.

Saying I sorry I had SF with OM, and I have stopped having SF with OM, and will not have SF with the OM any more is not just compensation. Yes MSSWW can't do anything besides that. But because it is all she can do does not make it enough because all the damage she created is never going to be repaired.

As an example if instead of being a WW she was a drunk. Got in her car and killed a mother.

After the accident she goes to AA, never drinks again. Is the mother's orphan to accept that as just compensation?

Yes a WW has to put the affair and the extra people involved in the past to function and to heal and have a good life post dday.

So the orphan sees the Xdrunk driver years later, in a public place, loses control and calls the XD a murderer.

You're saying the orphan is not to express anger at the XD?
The XD is entitled to be mad at the orphan for bringing up bad memories?

In the movie Fatal Attraction their is nothing but sympathy for the BW and COM. The WH affair brought all this craziness on to his family.

Well MSSWW affair created a reverse bunny boiler. She started a war with the OMW. Problem when you start a war the other party is not obilgated to stop when you tire and want to stop and go home. Also if the WW wanted to only use fists the WW can't expect the OMW to fight by her rules and not show up with a gun.

In general when a WW sows her seeds she does not get to complain that her harvest is a reverse bunny boiler. The WW does not get to paint herself a victim.

The WW does not get to paint herself a victim.

She most certainly does not have the right to claim "victimhood" from the direct and close-derivative results of her own actions. ("Oh, woe! My husband left me when he discovered I was banging the milkman!")

She does, however, have the expectation of non-interference in her marriage from a third-party - OMW. It would be more supportable if OMW were to instigate a hair-pulling cat-fight, one-to-one in some parking lot. But OMW sending snarky letters to MSS IN A BLATENT ATTEMPT TO DERAIL HIS RECOVERING MARRIAGE, is inappropriate. Fortunately, MSS understands that.

No one is saying she is playing a victim. And no - it's not enough compensation to stop the affair, apologize, etc... but she can literally do nothing more for the OMW.

Are you saying she should subject herself to berating from the woman? What would you propose Mrs. MSS to do?

It's Mrs. MSS' job - along with MSS - to rebuild THEIR lives, not the OMW's life. Their work is done there. A repentant FWW such as Mrs. MSS will no doubt carry the guilt for the rest of her life. She does not need continued contact with OMW in order for her to "pay for her sins."