I have tried plan A and all that did was inadvertently give him permission to keep cake eating. As soon as he felt ok again he was back with her telling me he was confused again. So now I am moving to Plan B. After a few days of silence and minimal responses, though I am bitter and it can be heard... I am rattling him for now. He's reaching out more.

Does Plan B ever really work? I know he loves me and would choose me but it's getting to the point where I dont' care if he does. I adore him, I know that makes no sense, but this man is not the same man, he's whole personality changed like a drug addict does. Can a marriage really be saved at this point? I know I gave no details so ask away...

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Is his affair still on?
How long are you married? Kids?

Do you have an IM?

Did you expose?

Whats IM?

Yes he is still having the affair. They began in March 2011 and I know this from phone records. In June 2011 he moved out for a few days... came back and really didn't try and blamed me for his bad moods. In Sept 2011 he moved out again. In December he began making moves to reconcile. I found out just after Christmas from the OW husband that they were having an affair. Husband promised me it was nothing he begged me not to leave and said he would spend the rest of his life proving to me its me and always was me. But he never stopped contact. By Valentine's Day the OW husband called me again with more proof. April 2 he moved out again. He needed to find himself. Since then he has tried to reconcile once with me. He was with her and still sees her so we stopped. Then he just cut me off. I panicked and he got more quiet so now I just give up. The few days I've been quieter seems to make a difference but not sure how much since if he is with her he can't reach out to me.

We are married for 4 years, together for 6.

We have no kids, I did try but lost it due to health issues and he was already IN the affair turns out when I was pregnant so maybe that was a blessing in disguise.

I exposed. But he avoids the people against the affair now and the enablers just coddle him. Now they are out in the open. So I feel this is hopeless. They will probably crash and burn but until then I need to self protect.

So sorry about the loss of your baby.

Have you read this? It also has the intermediary link also.
How to Plan B Correctly

They also kind of live together. He says they don't because he uses his Mom's address now and is not there every night. But 5 nights IS living there, hello? This is what made me decide to go Plan B. I also told him a few weeks back when he kissed me and told me he loves me (do you believe they do that? I love you but I am having an affair and I love her and I am confused so please just wait while I try to decide who I love more and if this new thing is better than you, k? Whatever, idiots) anyway when he kissed me that there would be NO sex. I said IF you decide you want to be my husband again I will do it fifty ways to Sunday lol but until then, I am not going to allow you to hurt me again... he looked stunned.

How do you pierce the fog? He is so deep in it I am not sure what to do anymore... she is "perfect" meanwhile she is selling drugs at NA meetings... has cheated on her hubs before... was JUST in rehab in Mar but claims 2 yrs sobriety... he even defends her bad behavior. He does not see anything but his selfishness...

How long does the fog last usually and how can you get through it?

My husband is deep in his fog. He is taking responsibility now saying this is all his fault where before he said it was my fault because of this that or the other thing so this is new but also know he is not coming out of the fog, he is trying to get back to having 2 women chase him. I stopped a few days ago, the silence/change is noticable to him because he's commented but since I do want to keep the door at least cracked open... how can you tell the fog is lifting?

You need to stick to your original thread. You can ask this question there and just as many people will read and respond to it.

As to the fog.........it could last forever or not. You can not control that. You can only take steps to show you are not willing to participate in a marriage with a husband who chooses to continue to betray you.

The fog takes awhile to clear but only AFTER all contact has ended with the OW. When was his last contact?

He's still with her. I think for a little while I was enabling it and letting him cake eat. I stopped that. Until then he always claimed it was me that caused him to have an affair, that was 2 weeks ago, now he's admitting he is entirely to blame. But he's still in fog... he's still with her... not sure how they are doing... I exposed and they are in the open... NO ONE approves and no one even likes her.

Are you in Plan B?

Just starting it.

Welcome to MB.

Plan A is both a carrot and a stick.
Please click on the carrot/stick link in my sig line.
Tell us how many Plan A points you did well, how many Plan A points you did not do well, and how many you skipped altogether.



Plan A is acknowledging the wayward is caking eating. Plan A is you making your "cake" more attractive (the carrot) ..... at the same time the stick of Plan A makes the adultery "cake" less appealing (real life consequences).

The fact that the wayward eats/enjoys "cake" in Plan A is a GIVEN.

If you did not do a PROPER Plan A - just start over and do it extremely well (stellar) for 2 weeks, THEN suddenly and without warning the wayward .... flip to a dark side of the moon Plan B. Including a Plan B letter.

Please, I ask you again, click the carrot/stick link in my sig line and read the first post top to bottom twice, jotting down how your Plan A compares. Let us know. We can help you but we need to gauge your ability to really do a proper Plan A.

Then, Plan B has MORE IMPACT.

Dear Mods ...

THANKS for merging her threads !

I would focus on going into a super dark Plan B. Change the locks, get an intermediary, and send him a Plan B letter. Are you familar with Plan B?

She has started 2 threads Mel.

Hi Loki, just a thought which may or may not be relevant in your case. Is your H also in 12 step recovery?

It would be worth exposing OW to that group too if you can. If they met there.. 12 steppers take a very dim view of "13th stepping" - striking up a romantic relationship with a vulnerable new member who is not yet firm in their sobriety.
They of course would also take a very dim view of her selling drugs at NA meetings, if you have evidence of this.

Be aware though also that 12 step can be marriage-unfriendly sometimes. They have been known to close ranks against a concerned spouse.

I want to tell you whats been happening and whether I should read into it or not... then I will tell you how I did Plan A, I've been thinking of restarting it in a revised version...

So last week I told him I give up. Until then I had been calling and texting since he changed his mind again at the end of june. Then I dont know what happened, I woke up or something... I realized I was chasing after someone who didn't want to be caught. So I said good bye. I said I respect his choices and that he needs to respect mine now. I said I needed to give up for several reasons but being an unhealthy situation for me was the primary one.

The next day I got a call, how am I. Surprisingly ok. And this irritates him. He hates that I am ok. Maybe he got used to the sobbing train wreck he left behind? Maybe he thought time would stand still in limbo land and I would still be the crying heap he kept telling to give him more time. He was angry. I asked why now. He said it had nothning to do with me. We would talk, but not now, the next day. The next day came. I still did not reach out. That was so hard. The first few days all I could do was think about NOT contacting him lol. So he left me a message about how he was in a bad mood and didn't want to take that out on me so we would talk the next day. And guess what? We did not ever have that talk. We were "supposed" to have this talk since July 9th. Always has an excuse.

So I had a blind date for Sat. I canceled, I am not ready yet. I did not tell husband that I canceled. I forgot actually. Until Sunday morning. I got a text before 9am asking how my date was. I did not confirm or deny a date, I just refused to answer anything about it.

Monday I get more texts. I was keeping my ringer off. One so that I don't jump to respond to him if he did text and two so I am not obsessing over it not going off. I got a have a good day and then later a just saying hello.. an hour after the hello I get another one.. "so now that you're dating you can't say hi to me"... honestly, I have not thought about this date thing. I have bigger issues like trying to save my marriage alone or trying to get my husband to come home or trying to get him to stop cake-eating... so this was kinda amusing for me. He was so obsessed with this date I didn't even go on. I know it means nothing. I pointed out he never even asked how my day was but went right into my date... He said it was funny how I began ignoring him now that I am dating. I am not dating. I am also not ignoring him. I am just not focusing on him anymore. A part of me always thought this was about the drama for my husband. Now I am beginning to believe that. When I texted/called he complained and now that I stopped he complains...

Does any of this mean anything? Suddenly he's contacting me more. I asked what was bothering him and he said as soon as he knows he will tell me. I am done waiting, I think that point is clear and my small consistent 180 is the not contacting him part. I know it's noticed since it's being commented on. This was quick though wasn't it? A few days?

I do not want a divorce. He has not said he wants one. He is on the fence. He said he needs to be 100 percent sure. I am trying to stay dim, not quite dark but far from light. But is this progress at all? Or am I no where closer than I have ever been?

If you're in Plan B you shouldn't be having any contact with him.

Do you have an IM?

This not Plan A or Plan B. What plan are you doing?


I'm sorry, what? How is dating fighting for your marriage? You are married, be very careful here! You might be thinking you will make WH jealous but that will backfire on you.

Please read the links given to you about Plan A/Plan B and follow these plans. They are proven to work.

I didn't find MB until last month. But I have been doing neither plan for awhile now. Just figuring it out.

My Plan A: He left in April, we decided to work on marriage and see each other. This continued until May when he said he slept with her and sees her regularly. Then we began seeing each other. By mid June he said he would get rid of her and choose me. He said if he has to choose it would always be me. Then at the end of June we was back with her and confused. He wanted to cancel marriage counseling so we did. He wanted a couple of weeks to think and ended up cutting me off and not responding to me anymore. He's practically living with her. She's his out in the open girlfriend and it looks like they are planning a life together. He keeps me on hold. Says things like He doesn't know and Needs to be 100 percent sure either way... I said no more sex from me.. . No more affection... that he can have all that when I have m husband back. Of course this produced nothing. He even kissed me. When I asked why in a text he ignored me. for 6 weeks he ignored me. Then I gave up in a moment of clarity. I am in no plan but thinking of doing the 180.

I want to save my marriage. At this point I know a lot of mistakes and mis steps have been made and need to fix those too. It's hard when he is like a wall...

I did not want to date, even told him I am not ready which was why I canceled it. He is encouraging it but at the same time saying we are over if I do it. Now he is saying his imagination is running off with him. What do I do now? I feel being there only made me an available doormat for him to walk on. Not being there makes it easier to forget me and move on with her. What can I do immediately to get some kind of result?