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Okay I am pissed off!!!!!! I just had to leave for work, I asked H what he would be doing doing his down time in Chicago. He replied with probably going out to dinner and happy hour with his coworkers. I politely asked him to not spend as much time with his coworkers as he does spending time working on marriage builders concepts i.e. the questionnaire and reading the materials that he agreed it was alright for me to give to him. He replied with I will not do that, the social aspect of this convention is very important to how I do my work. So he said "I can't do that" I asked him you can't do that, or you won't do that? He said I won't do that. I will not promise you that that will happen. He then asked me if I understood why he needed to socialize, I replied with no I don't really understand. He answered, "well I'm sorry you feel that way." this is a HUGE trigger for me... To be apologized to in that fashion... We have talked several times about that fashion of apologizing, I have explained to him that that is not a sincere apology to me that that is very patronizing to me. How can he be sorry for my feelings???? Especially when he's the one that hurt them?? He doesn't apologize for hurting my feelings, just for the fact that I don't f&;@...
I am driving to work right now using Siri on my iPhone and I am shaking..... That kind of back and forth is really damaging to marriages, so it's best to pull out of it as soon as you realize it is starting to happen. I have heard Dr. Harley say that if a man will start spending enough time with his wife (i.e., following the Policy of Undivided Attention), she will usually become more enthusiastic about time spent on work/networking, etc. In fact, he used the words "practically guarantee it." Please have a look here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2325269#Post2325269
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I read this today during my lunch. At first I was thinking.. OMG... WHAT will we talk about/do?!? I was almost dreading it. Then by the time I was finished with the phone call before my MRI, I could see a possibility that it won't "be so bad"... LOL Okay, I see you've already been given the link that I just posted, and already read it.  According to Dr. Harley, this is most likely the solution for your depression. It might be difficult at first, your husband might not be good at it at first, but it is almost certainly the solution. You probably can't get over depression without this. It's also likely to cast your husband's work activities in a different light, according to Dr. Harley. Try putting this POUA policy into practice together, and then see how you feel. (And, of course, rule out any activities on his part that you aren't enthusiastic about. POJA!)
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I will mention that Dr. Harley suggests that husbands and wives never spend the night apart. Not only is it a high risk for an affair, it disrupts the bond between husbands and wife. They typically have to spend all of their other time together reconnecting. Dr. Harley and Joyce spent a few nights apart early in their marriage, but I've heard them say they can count those incidents on one hand, they are so few. They quit doing that. Nights apart were very damaging to my relationship with my wife, early in our marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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So... Instead of asking if he can't or won't do something I dhould have just been quiet at that point...? Honestly trying to figure out MY part on this...
Weez
Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?!
Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Mrs WLD,
Yes. You started to demand other things that you both have agreed at the first place. Instead you should have asked him about his flight, his day and that you miss him and then maybe ask if he had time to read the materials yet and what does he think about it. And if he hadn't read them yet, then just state okay and change the subject.
You asked him to read the materials during his flight and asked him to get the reading done by the time he gets home. He agreed. Now you wanted something else and this passage of "can't or won't" and the rest that was said afterwards was disrespectful and demanding. It is a natural thing to get defensive when someone is attacking us, your demanding is lovebusting, his answers were defensive and thus also lovebusting. Lovebusting creates more lovebusting so it would be wise to avoid them at all cost. Oftentimes our imagination of "polite asking" is just ... demanding and disrespectful. Please start reading Lovebusters very carefully and make notes. You will not be able to fill his lovebank when you lovebust him. Read from the book what you can do instead of it.
Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing
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Okay I am pissed off!!!!!! I just had to leave for work, I asked H what he would be doing doing his down time in Chicago. He replied with probably going out to dinner and happy hour with his coworkers. I politely asked him to not spend as much time with his coworkers as he does spending time working on marriage builders concepts i.e. the questionnaire and reading the materials that he agreed it was alright for me to give to him. He replied with I will not do that, the social aspect of this convention is very important to how I do my work. So he said "I can't do that" I asked him you can't do that, or you won't do that? He said I won't do that. I will not promise you that that will happen. He then asked me if I understood why he needed to socialize, I replied with no I don't really understand. He answered, "well I'm sorry you feel that way." this is a HUGE trigger for me... To be apologized to in that fashion... We have talked several times about that fashion of apologizing, I have explained to him that that is not a sincere apology to me that that is very patronizing to me. How can he be sorry for my feelings???? Especially when he's the one that hurt them?? He doesn't apologize for hurting my feelings, just for the fact that I don't f&;@...
I am driving to work right now using Siri on my iPhone and I am shaking..... You need to READ AHEAD in the Lovebusters book!!  This is a selfish demand coupled with a disrespectful judgement! Behave! And stop fighting with your husband.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We are still awaiting the arrival of the books....
Will there be a time that I can have my hurt feelings taken care of...?? Because right now that is all I feel. I know anger is almost always my secondary emotion... I get hurt a LOT... So how do I keep that from happening, even if I don't LB..?? I know my taker is my in my face right now, and I am honestly trying, I DIDN'T get mad (in front of him) the way I usually do when he "apologized", I simply reminded him nicely that it hurts when he says it that way.....
Weez
Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?!
Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Mrs WLD,
Did you happen to pay for express delivery for the books???? It would be good to get reading. This week, while your husband is away, keep your communications pleasent and respectful.
A good phrase to use with any thoughtful request (as opposed to selfish demand) is "How would you feel about XXXXX?" and then LISTEN to the response. Then restate it, "So, you would like XXXXX". That enables both of you to have a clear understanding of what the other is thinking. This is a negotiation technique that lets you both get your interests and plans out on the table.
Your conversation was an example of a selfish demand that evolved into a disrespectful judgement and into an angry outburst. This is a typical evolution of an argument.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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MrsW, your feelings got hurt because your H did not capitulate to your demands. If you didn't make the demand, there would be nothing to be upset about! Focus on being pleasant with your husband so he will want to do the lessons with you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You really, really need to start on lovebusters FIRST. That is because nothing is going to do any good until you get those under control. And I do mean BOTH WAYS! So your first assignment is to get the book Lovebusters [2 copies if you can] and do a chapter each night. You read the chapter in your book and he reads the chapter in his book. You highlight things that important to you in PINK and he highlights important things in YELLOW. Then you swap books and look at the highlighted text. Sit down together and answer the questions at the end of each chapter. Discuss the chapter. [without lovebusters, please!] In the meantime, make a committment to NOT commit any lovebusters. Download these 2 questionaires and fill them out. For now, exchange the Marital problem analysis when you done, but DON'T exchange the lovebusters questionaire yet. When you exchange the questionaires, simply thank your husband for his honesty. Don't get upset, angry, etc. But come here and tell us what was on each of your questionaires. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4506_mpa.htmlhttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.htmlIf there is anyway you can, it might be a good idea to also get the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love.[they sell it cheap here, about $11] because it has worksheets in it you can't get here. This advise is GOLDEN.
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Will there be a time that I can have my hurt feelings taken care of...?? Yes, that's the plan. But the plan doesn't work unless you follow it. And if you can't stay calm enough to follow the plan, then it won't work.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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My books should be in today!!!
Weez
Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?!
Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does working in the love busters book together count as undivided attention?
Weez
Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?!
Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Does working in the love busters book together count as undivided attention? Yes, Ma'am!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yay!!!
Weez
Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?!
Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Worked on the books last night.. realized we are both scared to be telling the other what "we do wrong" but also nice for H to say that we need to keep in mind that this is for a good outcome and to not get mad. I am so nervous though....
Weez
Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?!
Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Worked on the books last night.. realized we are both scared to be telling the other what "we do wrong" but also nice for H to say that we need to keep in mind that this is for a good outcome and to not get mad. I am so nervous though.... My H and I were nervous about this also, esp since we'd been such conflict avoiders for 20 years! It's important to be honest. Just keep in mind, you can get it out there and still be respectful of each other. The way you communicate these things can really make a difference.
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Worked on the books last night.. realized we are both scared to be telling the other what "we do wrong" but also nice for H to say that we need to keep in mind that this is for a good outcome and to not get mad. I am so nervous though.... I am happy that you recognized this and discussed it in advance. You will have to get into the habit of accepting complaints with GRACE. They are very important to your marriage because they inform you of opportunities for improvement. It is also important that you present your complaints in a respectful way that does not translate as criticism. One way to look at it is to compare it to getting a NSF notice from your bank. Sure it is not pleasant, but the alternative would be a disaster! Getting the notice gives you the opportunity to fix the problem so you can become a better money manager. That is how complaints work in marriage. You are doing great!! Would like to see what each of you cite as problems on your Marital Problem Analysis sheets.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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