I think that perhaps married people with families shouldn't do that. There are medical people who are not bringing up families who can do missions.

What do you do with the kids when you go on one? I must say that your having deleted so many of you earlier posts makes it hard for me to find answers. I read your first thread and cannot find details of your kids, but I gather from one respondent that you are homeschooling. How, then, do you appear to work late on a Monday evening? Do you take the kids with you on missions?

You didn't address my points in my last post. And putting church last on your list doesn't necessarily mean that you would have no outlet for your music. Again, it's a matter of looking at the time you have in the rest of the week and scheduling. What music do you do at church? What hours do you put into doing this?

I get the sense that you are overwhelmed and desperate right now, and think nothing is doable. If things are that bad, you need to make a radical adjustment to your lifestyle. I promise you that if you put your marriage first and cut out some other activities including mission trips, you will feel very much happier. That includes giving up your own paid work, if you are not critically in need of the money.

TW,

Actually most Christian lists I read go as follows:

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children/Family
4. Others
5. Self

So your missions would be about 4th on that list. Your music, probably 4th or 5th depending on if it's for you or others.

But other than God, your spouse comes first, even before your children.

I don't see this priority reflected in what you write here.

Kids are 17, 15 and 10. We won't do full time until youngest goes to college at 18. What we do now varies: on one mission trip my husband and 2 boys went. He did medical work and they did maintnance. Occasionlly husband goes by himself. Once we went the two of us. But most of the time all 5 of us go together. My husband does medical stuff and we do prayer team or play at an orphanage or do maintance on an orphanage or do music at a school or orphanage. We all work together.

I don't get paid for anything. I'm a stay at home mom. My only outside activity for me is church choir and Praise team that I do on Wednesday nights ( I direct a children's choir Wed afternoon.) I have church Sunday mornings were I sing. That is it. I don't have a job other than homeschooling my 3.

Thanks, that helps me understand better.

The first thing that strikes me is that you do not need babysitters and should be able to get out of the house 3 times per week for four hours each time. You plan your week every week, so you simply adjust your week to take account of your H's team meetings in the evenings every two weeks.

Now, please show me here how you can block 3 sessions of four hours for the next week, even if that means you have to move something around.

The real UA figure is 15 hours, but I'm presuming you like to have sex in your home? That's what I'm assuming would take up another 3 hours, if you could manage 3 evening or morning sessions at home - after your dates would be a good time. If you're not fussy about being at home then feel free to do it elsewhere. I won't judge...!

Please try out a schedule for next week on here.

It seems to me from what you have described that it is not your children who take up all your time and prevent you from being with your H, nor your church or personal recreational activities, but his job, and to a lesser extent, the missions.

Many people make the decision to change their working lives in order to have a more fulfilling personal/marital/family life, and I think your H should be doing this. I don't think this would require his giving up everything he has worked for and living in poverty. It might be a simple matter of cutting hospital hours by a half-day, and not leading the missions any more. You might be able to do perhaps only one mission per year, once you have made time for your marriage.

I think you and your H have the ability to control the work-life balance and find a level of happiness much more easily than you realise.

Please order Dr Harley's book Draw Close from the online bookstore on this site or from Amazon. This devotional book shows you how to connect with your spouse, build a stronger marriage and keep God at the centre of your commitment to each other.

The book Draw Close explains the critical importance of UA time from a Christian perspective. From p.143, in chapter entitled "Working Too Hard?"

"If you want to be in love and stay in love, you must avoid the mistake of letting a career interfere with your ability to come to an agreement regarding your schedule. "

p.144:

"You are God's 'workmanship', a work of art that has a mission in life prepared in advance by God. An important part of that mission is caring for each other and the children God has given you. The career you've chosen should help you achieve that mission, not thwart your efforts.

Do you think that your current careers, schedule and lifestyle allows you to fulfil God's plan for you? Are they giving your marriage 'hope for the future', or have they been undermining your love? Discuss and pray about these questions today."

That is fine to have your music, but if it is more important than your marriage, it should be put aside until *HE* is your favorite leisure activity.

No one said you have to give up church, only that you should put your marriage FIRST. Your greatest source of happiness should be your marriage.

Prisca and I recently started skipping church activities and using the time to write hymns together. Makes a great musical outlet, and an hour of undivided attention time.

No, you have remaining hours in your week for your music. Go back and re-add.

Ok..this week is easy as far as available time. He has Fri/Sat/Sun and Mon off for Labor Day. He is working all day this Thursday so he can take Friday off. So we could do mabe 3 hours Thursday if I kidnap him from his office. Friday and Saturday are open, no plans. But this was another question. What in the world do you do??? I could take him to a local lake for a picnic... go putt putt golfing or bowling ( which I am TERRIBLE AT BTW..once slid my way halfway down the lane.. Horribly embarressing) What else?? What in the world do you do for 15 hours that doesn't include working. I can't imagine going to a lake every week. So what do the rest of you do for your 15 hours of time...

The next week will be harder. He is on call 4 days that week.

what did you do when you were dating? my H and i sit in the spa to relax and talk (and maybe some SF, lol). we go bowling too. i'm not very good, but i have fun doing it. it's the FUN that's the key. we like to get ice cream and sit at the ocean and talk & eat. we garden together. taking care of our home, together, has become a great way to spend time together. we spend time visiting home improvement shops looking at paint, paper, etc, and do one small project at a time so it's not overwhelming. my H is a workaholic, but has become more and more adept at making UA time. he once believed that, say, spending money on dinner & a movie (after marriage) was a waste of time and money. now, we can go out to a cafe for tea & cake, no problem! i just found a cafe that makes a slab of cake he likes. fills him up & makes him happy. i bring my own bran muffin and have a cup of tea. some of the fun is figuring out what you like to do and trying things.

i feel sad that you two don't place any value on the time you spend together! ML and SC are correct in that you need to change your mindset to put your M *first* on your list. breathing life into your M is what makes everything else on your list worth doing! changing your schedule to meet UA time becomes a pleasure, not a chore. we get at least 25 hours a week!

What did we do when we were dating?? Well I was in college and he was in med school 2 hours away. We saw each other on weekends. We normally went to a dance or sorority function on Friday night or to the lake. We would spend Saturday studying separately then do something Saturday night. We would go to church on Sunday and he would drive home or vise versa. We saw each other more in the summers. We dated for 2 years before we got married...

What do you and your DH like to do? Restaurants?

Have you seen this?
Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

Honestly, we prefer home cooking. No restauraunt can grill a steak like he can. Now he loves to cook and so do I. He makes the most fabulous breads, cheescakes, scones, etc. Only one problem.. I gain tons of weight when he does. I am FINALLY 6 pounds lighter than where I started this summer and I know he would like me to lose more, so probably not a good idea. Someone mentioned browsing the home depot stores.. Well, good grief if that counts then we do that alone A LOT. It is a standing joke to our children that on our date we go out to eat and then to Lowes. Now the truth is that I HATE lowes. It is the most boring place on earth. Now give me 2 hours in a bookstore... Heaven!

Thanks for the inventory. I've printed it out and maybe together we can find something.

It also seems like if your husband is most important that makes you very vulnerable. What if something happens to them and all your eggs are in that one basket? I guess I've always been independent. The thought of needing someone that much scares me.

Driving to other towns [1 to 2 hours away] for dinner is a very nice way to spend UA time. The drive there is a great way to fill the need for affection and conversation.

The best way to do this is to sit down and SCHEDULE the time out. Write out dates, times, agree on your activities. Time that is scheduled is harder to put off. If you don't schedule it, you aren't likely to follow through.

yes, the inventory is helpful, especially for couples that don't share a lot in the way of RC (like my H and i). trying something new each week or fortnight is fun, for both of us.

yes, M does make you vulnerable. but that's what love is all about - putting all your cards on the table and making that leap. you have to open your heart, 100%, to get the M you want. i'm not saying it's easy; it's not. but it's worth it. PORA and POJA is what keeps you safe in that vulnerability. *making* each other safe in the M is the glue that holds the M together.

what will we do when we don't have our spouses any more? losing that most important person? now that my H is in his 50s, this scares me half to death. but i will know that the time we spent together making our M amazing was well worth it, and that the love we had for each other made our life together worth living. we all have to face the eventual loss of our spouse, just as they do. and now that i've written that, i've got to go speak with mine. thanks for helping me understand one of his fears.

You have this all backwards. If your marriage is not the most important thing in your life, then you really are vulnerable to divorce. People who are in love don't get divorced, on the other hand. People who fall out of love get divorced.

YOUR WAY creates vulnerability because the marriage is weak and unstable. Independence does not create strong marriages, it makes them WEAK.