Does your son know you did this to his mother? - ML

***EDIT***

I would think the answer is "No"!

You played with fire. Often and carelessly.
Your marriage didn't heal after your affair and instead the two of you drifted further apart. You allowed other men to touch her and play with her and I can imagine she lost respect for you because of that.

What kind of man shares his woman?

Now she's more confident than you and you've had to experience firsthand the pain of the partner you love, falling in love and giving herself to someone else.

It sucks!

People in the 'lifestyle' think they're so evolved when they're doing it. they think the rest of us are just uptight losers but when divorce comes, and it nearly always does, it becomes apparent that life partners and parents of children should keep the sexuality sacred and EXCLUSIVE.

She found someone better than you. At least she believes she has. Can you blame her?

I actually feel sad for you.

I just don't get this...

Why get married and bring kids into this situation if you were both interested in bringing third parties into your most intimate and private moments? How is your marriage ever supposed to be intimate, secure or even viable when your sharing it with others like that?

What is left in your marriage that makes it a marriage as opposed to two people who have zero commitment to be faithful to each other just living under the same roof?? is there anything left that is "special" about the commitment of marriage you made to each other? Are there any vows left that have not been broken or destroyed by your choices?


You have come here to a forum full of people who take marriage seriously and stand against any acts that threaten marriages and you have the galll to get angry because we can't condone one of the most obvious acts of assault against marriages?

I guess you have been spending too much time with people from the swingers scene to understand that it is not normal, healthy or even morally acceptable to watch your spouse being intimate with others or sleep with someone else's spouse. And if I am wrong on this point and am just being a stuck up prude then please tell me how many of your family members and friends outside of the swinging lifestyle have you told about your attendance at swinging parties??
My guess would be none.

Like others have said if you want to save your marriage your only hope is to realise exactly how much damage has been done and understand there is nothing left in your marriage to make anyone recognise that it is a marriage a part from a legal piece of paper so your going to have to start building this from scratch, the vowes you made when you got married have become null and void the minute you shared your marriage with others the way you did.

There is nothing to recover here but you can build something new once you realise how you destroyed your marriage.

Dotnetdave,

and that she had made the right choices and it was ll my fault do the my previous affair etc.

I'm going to guess that your WW never recovered from your original affair. I think the OM was just repeating what your WW told him.

Does your WW still see the OW or friends of the OW, are their many triggers for your WW?

Please don't get rude, all the posters here can do is base their judgements on the few words you have written.

God Bless
Gamma

:::snort::: Bad call, Dave. How about we all just forget that you ever suggested the dismissal of one of the most important persons on this site who can help you steer your marriage out of the ditch you've driven it into?

No need to talk about it or apologize to MelodyLane. She's used to people fighting what works. Let's just forget this post ever occurred, shall we?

Don't see what? And you see where that 'consensual' behavior has gotten you. Screwing people other than your spouse doesn't typically end well. As you now see.

And there is one thing I'm seeing in your posts that really makes me wonder: Why do you call your swinging activities "playing"? Playing with WHAT? Why would swingers demean the intimate and bonding act of sex by calling it "playing"? Do you understand how dangerous it is to marry a person and vow to be faithful to them for Life, and then enter into sexual activities that endanger that marriage? Do you realize that calling these dangerous sexual activities "playing" trivializes a hugely important cornerstone of marriage?

Are you saying you mentored her into this lifestyle? You were into the lifestyle and worked her into the same lifestyle? What is your point? Are you proud of that?

Dotnetdave, there is no was to justify cheating, bringing in 3rd party into a marriage. No matter what nice sounding label you want to put on it.

Murder is murder.

Does it make murder less heinous when it is called abortion?

No it does not. Another life is ended before it's time.

You allowed another man to bang your WW.

A wife loses the respect for their husband when that husband lets other men use her. When the respect is gone then the wife's love is lost just as the respect was.

You can't admit that having an open marriage was wrong. Saying you stop having an open marriage, won't go back to having an open marriage, is not the same as it was wrong to have an open marriage from the beginning.

You still chose to think that allowing OM to bang your wife was ok by recounting your favorable memories of OM banging your wife.

You said you were not a cuckold.

Well I have to point out that it is too late to close the barn door on that one.

Your recovery will go no where because you still think there was nothing wrong with having an open marriage.

Your open marriage laid the ground work for your WW to have an affair and get laid by the OM.

Gamma

There is no contact with the om or anyone associated, not sure what you mean by triggers? At the moment we have very little conversation, separate rooms, no touching etc

I agree that I don't think she every got past my affair, from the conversation I have seen between her and the om it seems everytime she questioned herself about the current situation he was saying what she wanted to hear and just saying everything was my fault etc, yet this same person had claimed to be my best friend

Glove oil

To answer your question yes I do accept what we have both done and yes it was wrong, I just want to show her how much I do love n care for her n get her to open back to me

Well after 8 pages have you gotten the book Surviving An Affair.

Are you going to make sure you are in the marriage bed. WW not willing to be in the same bed as you is WW being faithful to her OM.

Are you going to do a proper exposure?
Have you noticed that you are the only one that does not want to expose?
What does that say?

I havent got that book yet, i am sleeping in our marital bed and my wife is sleeping in the spare room. My wife has no contact with the OM or anyone else we have met.

I thought i had done proper exposure by telling OM's wife and friends family etc. Not sure what you mean saying i dont want to expose ? as i am the one who did want to and has.

Will she write a NC letter to OM? No Contact letters

dave. Can you stop saying we were BOTH wrong...but she agreed.
This is a cop out.

Own your own choices. I did not protect my wife.

This is where you start. She doesn't feel safe with someone who will allow his friends to degrade her while he watches.

I am not sure and feel she would, but right now she see's anythign i suggest as been pressure and controlling her. At the moemnt the counciller has just been trying to get us into a place where she feels safe\relaxed at home and that i wont have any angry outbursts.

pokerface, glove oil said these statements


so i was merely saying yes i accept with have both been unfaithful to each other

and yes i do believe that been unfaithful is wrong under all circumstances

i think your have misread what i wrote into reply to the questions\statements that glove oil had asked me.

Dave. I haven't seen any acknowledgement or understanding that YOU failed to protect your wife. I keep reading how it was mutually agreed.


Start to own your side of the street. That is the only thing you can control.

I did not protect and care for my wife. I let my friends degrade her. This why she does not feel safe with you. Don't say but she agreed...if she wanted to rob a bank would you let her?

i admit and acknowledge i failed to protect my wife and it was wrong what i got her into and shouldnt ever have done it, hindsight is a wonderful thing. I let people we met degrade her and didnt protect her from them. As i say hindsight is a wonderful thing and god do i feel soooo sh1t right now but i do know i cannt change the past only the present and the future.

Have you read through this?
How to Survive Infidelity