Seems to me you are shying away from all questions.

You are not taking the necessary steps to ensure the affair is over and no contact is firmly in place -- why not?

You are not taking the necessary steps to clean up your side of the street.

Why aren't you answering my questions? I suspect because you haven't even considered making amends for your dreadful behavior because you are clinging like mad to the fact that your wife had an affair so whatever you do in response is justified.

Am I right?

Do you get that that is the exact mentality that ended in her being in an affair? My spouse has treated me so dreadfully that I am justified in [fill in the blank with your preferred marriage destroying tactic].

Stop it!

What are you actually DOING to clean up your side of the street? Seriously -- list it out because from where I sit it looks like you've got the deck chairs to go down with the Titanic -- which incidentally has your child on it.

Zibbles,

Thanks for this post. I really appreciate it coming from a FWW.

Was it abusive? At this point, I too do not think so. Still I wish I had acted better.

Did you read what I wrote in blue?

There have been husbands here who beat up the other man, burned furniture and certainly blew their stack upon discovery.

I think your wife was in need of that kind of drama, to show her that you care, that you're affected by her behavior and that you're willing to throw her out if need be.

Still, I worry that you haven't done enough to ensure that the affair is over. It's not a selfish demand to tell her that she needs to write a no contact letter, take a poly and change all her contact info. You need to continue to apply pressure. And expose. It's too easy for you to slip back into fear, thus letting her have the upper hand.

NEVER let the wayward have the upper hand. They will take the bus straight into a ditch with kids, spouses and whoever else happens to be in the loop.

Get tough in a SMART and calm way.

...and I will add, many of the husbands who acted this way were applauded here.

What exactly do you mean by this. Do you mean the electronic surveillance, key loggers and the like? If so the answer is no. There is a few reasons I will not detail here, but one I will mention is that I am not nearly as high tech as my wife. I am also aware that I cannot stop her completely with that stuff because she has work phone and computer available to her. I have some means to keep aware of things, but it is not as good as I want it.

Well, sh*t then, Man_learning!

Since you've already decided that she's going to cheat on you anyways, why bother with proving it! Is that what you want to hear? Quit making excuses, it's insulting to those of us that actually bothered fighting for our marriages.

The goal of snooping is so that you'll know just what the hell you're dealing with which, it seems, you have no clue about!

For someone that tossed a mattress onto the front yard, I'm really surprised that you're just turning a blind eye to this. Kudos, by the way, on showing her that you meant business at the time.

I'll say it one more time and then I give up:

Man_learning, your wife's behavior absolutely reeks of someone that is cheating on you. I don't for a second believe that she is serious about recovery. I do believe that she is tossing you crumbs to get you to back off and let her have her space to fool around in. There are tools available to eliminate the uncertainty and that you aren't taking advantage of them is mind boggling. Prove me wrong, please, about what your WW is doing! I'd love to be wrong here!


Lastly, I'm pissed because I actually give a crap about your marriage and I'm just a stranger on the internet. You're in Plan Hope and it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

NW thank you for your support and message. You are kind to care as much as you do. Just a quick reply for the moment.

I still cannot fully explain everything at this point, but I am doing about all I can do right now.

She may well be playing me again and just throwing me crumbs. I am just limited at this point as to what I can do. That limit will not last too much longer. So I continue to do what I can and continue to improve my side of the street.

To that end, I am finished with my old job and started my new more promising job today. It went well, and this will be important not matter what happens with my M.

I am also learning more about the snooping tools. I have quite a bit to learn.

Man_Learning,

It seems you have not exposed the OM yet, why have you backed off?

I'm also in the camp that your response to your WWs cheating was very controlled.

God Bless
Gamma

For reasons I cannot fully explain, I have limits to what I can do at this moment regarding any further exposure. I am still using all means I have in place to monitor things as closely as I can as I learn more and think things through.

So you think I was abusive in my response or measured?

While I still wish I had not done tossed her things in the front yard, if she is abiding by the NC and ended the A, I think that event and the exposure that resulted from it are probably major factors for her doing so.

Man_Learning,

Given that some BH have beaten up the OM I would say your response was measured. Anecdotally it seems like the BHs that beat up the OM recover quickly.

How far away is the OMs dental office and his house?

God Bless
Gamma

I think recent posts are beginning to support the angry outburst towards this wife. Dr Harley's advice is not to have angry outbursts, and I don't think we should be advocating them as a way of recovering a marriage. Not here on Dr Harley's board.

The way you originally described your actions showed that you lost control and snapped. You did not describe your actions in a way that shows them to be "measured". You did not show that you made a calmly though-out decision to throw her clothes and mattress out into the road, in the way that we might put a 3 year-old having a tantrum into their bedroom.

The fact that you did not hit her or trash your house - or beat up OM - does not mean that what you did was "measured". It just wasn't as violent as it might have been.

Your angry outburst won't be instrumental in ending the affair. If anything, it will frighten her and make her be more careful, but as long as you continue to evade taking measures like keylogging and widespread exposure, and as long you come here to debate, question and challenge Dr Harley's advice instead of acting on it, the affair will continue as it is doing right now.

You have been here for a month, posting nearly every day, thinking things through, arguing, challenging and defending your lack of action. No keylogger, no exposure...only an angry outburst and a hope ("if") that she is NC.

Are we ever supposed to express anger in authentic way?

BTW, I tossed the items in the front yard, not in the street.

NO. Dr H is very clear about why not.

Thank you for the clarification. I stand corrected.

NO!

Have you seen this?
Anger Mgmt 101

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moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with MB concepts before posting.

Well, I'll bet we just heard from Mrs. Man_learning!