Does the pain of a spouse's affair really truly go away? All the way away? Will I ever be able to think about it and not cry or even feel a twinge of pain? I would love to hear encouraging words from people who have been there and have experienced this marvel, if, indeed, it is possible as I have heard.

My husband's affair was brief, about a month and he did not sleep with her. I do believe he is telling the truth on this. He did kiss her and he did seriously consider leaving me for her. The pain is deep. I am doing relatively better the past two days, but can't imagine ever really feeling no pain at all when I think about it. I read that the "initial" grief lasts about as long as the affair did, including the build up to the affair. I'm not entirely sure how to gauge the build up, but kind of figure it was over the course of a month or so, when my husband's father was dying and she was apparently "there" for him when I wasn't. (He was pushing me away at that time and wouldn't really let me be there for him.)

I feel he is doing his best to rebuild trust, to allow me to love him the way he needs and was somehow lacking before, and to try to rebuild the love he used to have for me. I forgave him and I know we are going to make it. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to look at the mountain view behind my house (which is seen from everywhere I go) and not think of them hiking, think of the city we courted in and remember it fondly like I used to instead of feeling the sting of knowing they had a date there, go to a movie and not think of them going to one, etc.

It is not feasible for us to move any time in the near future. I was in a huge depression for a while, but yesterday and today kind of almost seem normal in that I'm not crying half the day in bed. Yet my stomach is in knots and thoughts of them still cause tears if I allow myself to think about it.

I hate this. I can only imagine I'd have to be admitted if he had been sneaking around for a much longer time and had slept with her. I don't know if I could bare that and I truly feel for spouses in that situation. While he didn't sleep with her, he "loved" her (so he thinks) and came close to leaving me for her. Wow. I can't even believe I'm saying those things. I'm still in shock. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare and keep hoping it's time to wake up.

Scanty, I am so sorry that you have had to find your way here. Have you considered asking your WH to sit for a polygraph to confirm his honesty? If he considered leaving you for her, it's very unlikely that they weren't sexually active. Men usually don't leave their wives over a 'crush'.

Who is the OW? How do they know each other?

They were running buddies. Met in a running group and eventually starting doing trail runs together because she's the only one in the group he could get to do them with him. They are both very fast and competitive and she drove him to be a better runner. I was never completely comfortable with it and would have been the first to counsel someone else not to allow their husband to be alone like that with another woman. And yet when it was my own situation, I was not objective enough to do what I knew I should do. I trusted him. I didn't want to be the bad guy for making him lose his running partner. In hindsight I feel very stupid, so that doesn't help.

I really do trust that he did not sleep with her. I don't need a polygraph. It wasn't about sex. It was about his heart. I'm sure it would have lead to sex if they didn't end it when they did. They were only physically seeing each other during a three week period and she was gone on vacation in the middle of it for almost half that time. They were only together a handful of times, not that they couldn't have had sex any one or all of those times, but my point is, things were still brewing. Much of their relationship was via text and facebook private messages. I know him well enough to know what he was looking for in the relationship and getting from her.

Scanty,

It IS possible to get over the pain, but only the following conditions: #1, that your marriage becomes exceptional, better than it ever was before the A and #2, airtight boundaries are placed with members of the opposite sex so conditions that led to the A are not possible in the future.

To accomplish these things, you will both need to commit to a recovery plan. Part of this plan means complete openness and honesty.

I've been in both shoes: my H had an EA (via computer) with a woman in another state years ago. A few years ago, he had an EA that turned PA. The pain I felt from the PA was definitely worse than the EA, but still - it was extremely painful.

Let me caution you: don't make the mistake I did years ago. Because it was an EA and not a PA, I did not set the stakes high enough for recovery. (Of course, I did not know about MB at that time either.) While we survived the EA, we did not know how to protect our marriage from infidelity in the future - thus, the crisis 2 years ago.

I have to agree with MaritalBliss: it's hard to imagine that this A was not physical if he was so in love that he contemplated divorce. In any case, you need to get your H to commit to a plan of recovery, including extraordinary precautions - transparency - and just compensation.

Read as much as you can here. Read Surviving an Affair as soon as possible. For now I would say don't tell your H about this site.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I can promise you it DOES get better, esp when you witness your marriage transforming into something more beautiful than you ever thought possible! Every former betrayed spouse knows exactly what you are feeling right now and empathizes.

Thank you, Sunny. You are an encouragement. Could you please tell me what all the abbreviations pertain to on this site? I get some of them, like EF is emotional affair, but I'd appreciate a run down of all the main ones used here.

For anyone else who responds to this thread, I really don't need anymore comments suggesting he may be lying about not sleeping with her. I have wrestled with that on my own, listened to his heart, looked into his eyes and firmly believe he is telling the truth. Please leave the subject alone. I just want to know about the pain truly going away. That's all. I appreciate it.

I encourage you to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley. Available in bookstores and on Amazon

Please read this article:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Here you go.
Acronyms and Abbreviations

Scanty,

Please leave the subject alone. I just want to know about the pain truly going away. That's all. I appreciate it.

Part of the reason people here are not leaving that subject alone is that without full disclosure your marriage will not have a chance of true recovery, and the pain will diminish with time, but will never return to zero percent.

The other problem is that leaving an unresolved affair in your marriage often leads to another affair down the road. If they get away with it once they will try it again.

God Bless
Gamma

Scanty. I am sorry you are going through this. The pain does go away but only after you take the steps to recover. You will need to face this head on.

One of your jobs right now is to get the truth and expose to people of influence in the waywards live's. This holds them accountable for their actions and kills the fantasy they are holding on to. The light of day will force them to face the ugliness of their actions.

If you don't take this step, then I can guarantee your next question will be does he still have feelings and lovely memories of her. This will eat at you until you hate him.


We have been where you are and we can help you recover if you are willing. You will have to step outside of your comfort zone.

hugs.

I am now 15 months from DDay, and I find myself in the position where I can choose to experience the pain or not. Most of the time, I am fine; I make the right choice. Why would I ever make the choice to experience the pain? I can not answer that, because I don't understand it myself. I realize that is governed to large degree by the presence of triggers. You just might have to move away from that mountain view that triggers you.

Thanks, BH!!!!

Scanty, please know that no one is attacking you when suggesting you check further into the whole business of whether it was physical. There are just many good reasons for knowing for sure. Whatever the case, an EA can be just as damaging to a marriage - even more than say a one night stand would be - and the steps to recovery are the same.

Please read.
Recovery After an Affair

Thank you for the advice thus far. I have a good support system, good people in my life who know and are praying for me and who minister to me. I am in counseling and have been reading good Christian books and getting as much information as I can in understanding how to heal from this. I am being told by many that I am doing all the right things and so is he. I am being told that I am handling this so well, that I am strong, that I am wise . . . and yet just a while ago I was lying in bed sobbing, even screaming, from the pain.

I have had full disclosure, having wrestled with whether I even wanted to know more than I already knew up to a week ago. I finally agreed with everything I read and was told, that it was necessary, so I made him tell me more details. Only I wish I didn't know they had a date where we courted. That hurts the most of the "new" information he told me and will torture me for the rest of my life.

I am working to get past the thoughts, the images, the reality that he was so drawn to her that he considered leaving me for her. I am trying to focus on the relationship and getting through the grieving process. I totally get how this happened, what he was lacking in the marriage that I was aware of and "trying" to fix for so long. I get that I was stupid in allowing him to spend time with her alone, that he was vulnerable not only because of frustrations he was having with our marriage, but financial burdens, losing our house, moving, his father dying fairly quickly from cancer, etc.

I understand the boundaries that need to be in place, ones that I, personally, have always adhered to very consciously, but for some stupid reason didn't make him adhere to.

We can't move. We just did in February, before the affair. We lost our house and moved about 15 minutes away to the next city over. The good news is I no longer live about a mile away from her, but the fact that we moved and THEN the affair happened, just taints my whole new living experience. Sometimes I feel trapped in my new house with all the thoughts and grief I am in. It's as if the new house represents the affair. I am trapped everywhere I go because I know they ran on this road, and ran, hiked and kissed in that mountain, and that when my husband and I had our first date on our 21st anniversary in our new perfect "date location", they had just started up their affair. He had spent time alone with her a couple of times that week, been texting and facebook chatting and growing their bond. Then we celebrated our 21st anniversary and the next day he kissed her for the first time on a trail run. Our next date in the new date location was also during the time of their affair. We have been there a few times since, trying to create new positive memories. We have also been up to the mountain behind us a few times trying to do the same. It has helped some, but I don't know if it will ever really go away . . . if those places will ever NOT remind me of her. Just being in his truck reminds me of her.

Our kids are in private school in the area, my youngest just starting 9th grade, so she has four years of school. They are plugged into our church. I don't intend to uproot my kid's entire lives because of my pain. When the youngest graduates, I'll be able to better assess how I'm doing in relation to all the triggers and can entertain the idea of moving at that time. Until then, I just have to trust that God will get me through this and that maybe by then, I will be perfectly fine staying in the area.

In addition to the pain of the affair, I am dealing with serious God issues. I feel like Job. Over the past ten years of my life it feels as if God has stripped me of everything that makes me who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be involved in contemporary Christian music, and completely believed God had a big plan in that for me. I had faith to move mountains. But then that was stripped from me. I was a worship leader at my church, but felt the need to step down from that about 4 years ago. I used to be a cyclist, did a lot of cycling events including a few road races. However, my health was then stripped from me, thus the cycling as well. This is a passion my husband and I used to share together, but now we don't have that anymore. I just get to sit by the sidelines and watch him excel in the sport. I just watched him win a mountain bike race two days ago. Cheered him on at his first Ironman the weekend I found out about the affair.

I was a homeschool mom up until this year. In fact, today is my kid's first day of school. So now what? Who am I? I'm not a homeschool mom. I'm not a worship leader. I had actually agreed to lead worship for our women's study this year until I realized that since I can hardly function, and I'm mad at God and can hardly worship, that I had no business leading others in worship. I don't have a job. After my health forced me off my bike, I began to write. Found out I'm a pretty decent writer and not long ago began writing a biography of my parent's life. They have an amazing story. I consider them "super Christians". And yet I can't bring myself to write now, plus don't particularly feel encouraged in that or anything else by my husband. He tries to encourage, but he also told me when I first started writing all the time that he felt like he was losing me. So when I think about writing, I think about how I almost lost HIM.

And in the midst of all that the recession hit us hard, we went into foreclosure, bankruptcy, lost our house and moved in to a rental house.

I guess you could say I'm experiencing the epitome of a midlife crisis. I don't know who the heck I am. I don't trust God and, therefore, don't see the point in praying or seeking Him right now. I feel like Job, but don't have the strength of Job.

Usually, no, because most people do not do what it takes to recover.

It doesn't just fade with time. Certain things have to change. If those things do change, the marriage can be better than ever before! But if those things do not change, the brain will react to the constant reminders of the affair.

The thing is that most people do not know what it takes to recover from an affair. Dr. Harley has specialized in this subject for forty years and has seen many recoveries, as well as many failures. He can predict what will happen very reliably based on what the husband and wife are doing (or not doing).

Dr. Harley's plan has a proven track record of recovery. It works when followed! (Assuming both husband and wife follow it.) I've looked over a lot of marriage books, probably some of the same books you are reading, and in most cases I can spot places where they advise doing something different, something that Dr. Harley would advise is likely to result in failure.

This will help you save your sanity and your marriage.
This won't help you save your sanity and your marriage.
This won't help you with the marital problems. Might help you become a better Christian, but a loving & happy marriage can be had within (or without) any religion.
There's a lot of bad information out there. There is a specific recipe to follow in marriage to recover from an affair. If you aren't following it, your chances of recovery are very remote. This plan is outlined in Willard F. Harley's "Surviving An Affair" and other books.
1. The Rule of Time: Are you spending at least fifteen hours a week alone with your husband meeting the intimate emotional needs of Recreational Companionship, Intimate Conversation, Affection, and Sexual Fulfillment?
2. The Rule of Protection:Are you both avoiding all behaviors that detract from your love for one another, like demands, disrespect, angry outbursts, annoying habits, and independent behavior?
3. The Rule of Care: Are you otherwise meeting one another's most important emotional needs, like family commitment, financial support, honesty & openness, physical attractiveness, domestic support, and admiration?
4. The Rule of Honesty: Are you being radically honest with one another, discussing your past -- particularly things of which you are ashamed -- present activities, and future plans?
5. If all the facts of the affair are known, are you no longer discussing the affair with your husband in any way?

If you aren't living those five basic principles well, you're setting yourself up to fail.


By whom? Family? Your unfaithful spouse?


I beat my head against the floor until I lay bleeding to try to stop the pain. I empathize.


The first, most important thing is to realize that if ever you wanted a divorce, now is the time. You have our blessing. You have Dr. Harley's blessing. An affair is the most painful thing a person can do to someone they claim to love.

If you decide you want to recover, we can help. But give a serious look at whether you can live with the man who betrayed you so deeply for the rest of your life. Is it possible he can become the man you need him to be? If not, cut your losses and move on with your life alone or with someone else.


Dr. Harley's plan works for believers & non-believers alike. Belief in a higher power is 100% unnecessary for a happy, monogamous, life-long marriage.

But if it makes you feel better, keep at it!


Work the plan correctly, and your belief or non-belief in God is irrelevant to the happiness within your marriage. If your belief is something that can bring you & your spouse closer (recreational companionship), then continue to pursue it. If it is holding you back, then temporarily set it aside while you work on your marriage. Dr. Harley often suggests finding a new church together if both spouses are religious; if faiths differ, he usually advocates the spouses not become passionate about some new religion, as it complicates recovery.

Not all the way away, yet! Nearly 5 years and counting. It is a great deal better, but my wife still has many memories that just won't go away. She has the tools to manage these memories and it has lessened the pain associated with them.

We've worked MB together from the beginning and it has proven to be a very valuable tool. I credit God, The Harley's coaching along with the help of many of the people on these forums with the restoration of our marriage. And of course that my wife's nothing short of amazing.

whoops!