Yes, he answered my question last week on air. That is how I got the Love Busters book.

What day? Do you mind if I post the clip on your thread? So we can hear what he told you.

Monday Aug 27th One thing he said that stuck out at me was would you rather someone didn't know you and thought you were great or that they really knew who you were and were disappointed.

Tough choice for me since my number one need is for admiration.. That said, as I have shared things and he has reacted well, I have shared more. I actually shared things with him that I've thought for years but haven't dared to say... like I'm afraid we will be like the person in the Bible who built a bigger and bigger barn to store the grain and then God demanded his life and what was there to show? We spend so much time and energy on this place, and for what? He accepted that ok, though he did ask do you want us to move into an apartment and sell all our goods and give them to the poor?? No, not necessarily but that is what I just wonder about all the time. I feel conflicted. On one hand, we live better than 95 percent of the world. Yet, most other physicians live MUCH MUCH better than we do. I don't want to have any other doctors over because our house is modest. Yet I was embarressed over at how much we had when a missionary came to stay with us for a couple of weeks. My husband has served with him and he and his 3 kids live in a very small apartment. We have a 3,000 square foot home and an rv.. He seemed to understand that and didn't make fun of me or wasn't disappointed in me for thinking that!!! Hooray.

Is this it?
Radio clip of Tiredwife's Question

Yes, you have to listen for awhile to get to it. I am Elizabeth, but my question wasn't that I thought he would leave me if I was honest, but that he would be disappointed. I know he is committed for life. He is that kind of person. He always keeps his word and committments.

And Joyce was right I have been that way all my life. This is partly because my dad would tell my mom or me we were stupid if we had an opinion different than he had.. or I might be screamed at. It just wasn't safe. But my hubby isn't my dad..

So your plan is to ask him to read love busters?

Then the questionnaires?
So is he aware of MB?

Have you seen this? How to Create Your own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love in Your Marriage

tiredwife, you bring to my mind a quote I heard a long time ago, so long ago I don't recall who said it, so here's an unattributed quotation for you to consider, at least when it comes to relationships other than your marriage:

"You wouldn't worry so much about what other people think of you if you knew how seldom they did."

Honestly, most people don't sit around thinking about your every move and statement and trying to analyze and judge you. And the people closest to you, they just want your honesty. It's very difficult to have an intimate relationship with someone who is dishonest. The dishonesty gets in the way of intimacy. I liked what Dr. Harley said about just telling your H that you have had a problem with honesty and want to work on it with his help.

Wonderful quote cwmi!

Tired wife,
What did you think of dr harley's question about whether you'd rather be admired for being someone you are not, or being honest so the person knows the real you?

Also reminds me of this bible verse.

Ecclisiastes 7:21-22

21 Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you- 22 for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.

Kinda the same isnt it? *shrugs*

MNG

Ok, several years ago our pastor and his wife did a Sunday night series on Fall in Love, Stay in Love which is kind of a summary/combination of His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. They presented all the concepts. I bought the book, but we didn't do any of the worksheets. So he knows about the concepts.

I pulled it out and did the emotional needs questionaire with us. Now, I just read Love Busters that they sent me. To be honest, we don't do most of the ones in there. I couldn't relate to most of the chapters. ( Though I will give him the whole questionnaire and have him fill it out just to be sure. ) What sounded VERY familiar was the chapter on dishonesty. We are a lot likeEed and Jennifer. Our issues are different but here is an excerpt from the chapter:

Ed felt unfulfilled with their sexual relaationship, but he understood the pressure Jennifer was under. After a long day of childcare, he knew she'd be tired when he came home from work late at night. He felt that it would be unfair to expect her to meet his sexual needs whenever he felt amorous. So he didn't tell her about his increasing sexual frustration.
Jennifer was also growing increasingly frustrated with Ed's neglect of her. Once in a great while, when he came home after another late night at the office, she'd admit, "I'm feeling "
Ed would react with a sigh of resignation, "It took me longer than I thought to close the sale. I'll tr to be home earlier next time, but you can't hurry thesee things along.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Jennifer would drop the subject and Ed would think she was satisfied with his answer. But she wasn't. She had told him how she felt, and he didn't seem to care.


Now as I said we have different issues but the same attitudes. We don't make demands of each other, we don't have angry outburts ( we've never raised our voices to each other, ever!!!)or disrespectful judgements. He doesn't have time to read the whole thing, not am I sure it is necessary. I think we need to read the dishonesty chapter because I think we are both protector liars and I am also a look good liar. I don't tell him when I have angry outbursts with the kids. I've figured out that I blow up at them when I am really mad at him but I can't tell him..

He gave me a perfect score on honesty. I told him I didn't think that was true because I wasn't honest with how I felt sometimes.. It is very hard for me to feel like what I think is legitimate when his way seems just as correct, so I just give in.. The other one I might have him read is independent behaviour as I have been guilty of that. Annoying habits would be for him to list mine: leaving the closet a mess, biting my fingernails, getting very upset at criticism are what I would guess. I don't have any other than what I mentioned about his holding me accountable for the kids' behavior. I'm not sure where that goes.

Then I would have him read the chapter on Resolving conflicts over career choices and time management as that is one we need to negotiate. As I said, we have already started. I've pointed out that times he considers himself home, he has often been doing something with the kids or an individual projects. I'm in the house doing stuff. We aren't having undivided attention and I need more of it. So we have been cuddling, visiting in the early morning and then having at least an hour each evening to visit over the day. We have agreed to do one FUN activity each week and then I am helping him with one project each week. I know Melody thinks the project shouldn't count, but for instance, last weekend with the windmill project the two of us were painting the weather proofing stuff on the boards and we had a fun conversation about Hunger Games. The boys and I have read the books, and he hasn't. So we were talking about a few things he didn't understand, similarities to Survivor, ancient Romans, etc. Later on as he is putting together the windmill and I'm holding the wood and we are talking about his work frustrations, his priorites, how he organizes his time, etc. So I am getting TONS of cool conversation about interesting or important topics. So I think it counts.

As I said above, I would rather people think I am terrific. Maybe that is terrible, but that is how I truly feel if we are being honest.

Could you imagine how it would feel to have people KNOW you're terrific? Even when you're imperfect?

I realize that's more work than being dishonest, but it's also more satisfying.

Wanting people to think you're terrific is not terrible at all. Deceiving them into thinking that, manipulating them to see you a certain way, is not the way to get that, though. You're getting a mocked-up version of terrific, complete with smoke and mirrors.

And think of this: you're fooling people, right? What good is the admiration of a bunch of fools? Does it fill you, knowing you've tricked fools into admiring you?

You know what, good for you for being honest.

We have flaws...all of us. And everyone knows everyone has flaws. Being terrific is different than being perfect. No one expects anyone to be perfect. And, really, who cares.

Be yourself and stop caring how people perceive you. People will like you for who you are or they won't. No amount of pretending or mask wearing will change that.

I believe there was a section in the book "buyers renters and freeloaders" about this particular subject. If I remember I will try and get a snip from the book and post it here.

MNG

My fiance and I have spent a lot of time on this subject. I even emailed Dr. Harley with a question on the definition and subtle ways to differentiate UA time from other valuable time.

Bottom line is that if it's UA for both of you, then it's UA. If you feel you are getting the Undivided Attention (with 1 or more of the 4 intimate EN's), then you consider it as such and put it toward your total for the week.

You then would start evaluating the time you spend together. Separately you put down what you think each activity should count toward UA, then take the lowest total. There's your UA for the week. Now you have a tangible target for how you can improve for the coming weeks.

We've been having a lot of fun with this exercise and typically do it daily regarding the day before, rather than wait till the end of the week. She usually has the lowest estimate, shich Dr. H says is normal.

opt

Thanks for the pep talk. But how does the plan for my husband sound? How about my plan for Love Busters?

I'm reading a book by another author and can't mention it here. It is very much in line with MB principles though and it made an interesting observation.

NON-conflict marriages are not always healthy.

you state:
and you also said you have little discord (when you were talking about LB's).

This might be something to keep in mind as you proceed. If you can learn to deal effectlively and safely with conflict, then you welcome it because you establish more accurate behaviors with each other in terms of meeting each other's EN's.

Lovebusters is usually a good place to start with someone who hasn't become real familiar with the material here. If he'll read it that would be great.
Perhaps "friends and enemies of Intimate Conversation as well" so you will feel safer being more honest about your feelings.

opt

Just wanted to post this again for tiredwife. Like Sugarcane said, incrementalism won't get you there.

So when should I hand him the article or the chapter run from the book? Tonight when he gets home at 7 or later, tomorrow night at 7 or later or Saturday when we have more time?