No, keep it light, positive and confident.

No sad messages about how she doesn't want you. It will be perceived as pressure

ok wilco so no to the card n teddy bear then

Another good read to help with your anger.
What to do with an Angry Husband

Quick question for anyone watching/reading/helping me every so often (normally after i say or do something nice) like not commuting an LB or fufulling an EN I get a message from her saying "my feelings haven't changed, I can't help that" this is without me asking or trying in some way to ask.

Can anyone decipher what this is and really means? and how I respond to it?

She still sounds foggy. Are you 100% sure there's been NC?

This is going to take a lot of time. You both have been in the swinging lifestyle and that has to have some kind of "brain washing/cult" thinking involved.

Are you bothered because you're changing and meeting her EN and not committing any LB and she isn't reciprocating?

I have found any contact so yes still think she is NC from everything. Part of me is bothered naturally but I surpress the urges to start asking/begging etc and letting the taker in me out. It's just I get this message from her when u either know I am fufulling and EN or situation where I previously would have LB'd and now don't and I am unsure how to respond to it that was all. I have in the past said that feelings follow actions and also I understand her not having any feelings right now based on past hurt n broken promises but that time is a great healer. Just not sure I should be saying something else to her when she reels this standard chant out to me?

Also is it the right time to say to her that this marriage has an unlocked door and she is free to leave whenever she wants to, or us it to early for that?

It sounds to me, also, that there's not NC. Can you check if she's got, say, an affair phone or something? Something cheap to text/talk to him with?

hi dave. H and i have been on a mini-break, so no posting from me.

i would like to know exactly what you're doing and her response. scotty posted really well on this at the beginning of her thread.

example:

this morning when i woke up, i rubbed WWs back and said "i love you." she said, "thanks," and got up to take a shower.

stuff like that helps us "see" what's really going on.

what does WW like to bake? or rather, bakes that she eats?

Checked everyday n I watch her like a hawk and I have found anything, I can see here txt message and pc activity as well and again nothing there

Any change someone can tell me what it means when she says the "my feelings for you havent change. i cant help that"? my take was that since hse says it after i fufill an EN or in a situation where in the past i would have LB'd and now dont that this is here way of seeing what has happened and trying to override her inner feelings changing and the confusion that my actions create. When she says "i cant help that" i think she can but is very scared\firghting to for fear of getting hurt like she has in the past. Would really like other people to give me their impressions and how i shoudl react to it.

Also is it time to say to her "the door of this marriage is open and yoru free to leave at any point" or isnt she ready to hear that sort of thing.

Hope you had a nice time letty, i could certainly do with one of those right now, espically with my wife.



Well everymorning i get up say morning to her, ask if she slept well etc and then after she comes dpown i compliment her on her dress\perfume etc, sometimes i will ask if she has got anything niced planned for the day. I have left her little notes or sent her txt messages just saying nice things on them nothing heavy. I Get no repsonses of comments about the notes o txt messgaes and when i say things, she will either say "thank you" or smile sarcastically or just leave the room and sort of ignore what i have said. Its pretty touch going and get very little response back etc or getting the reponse i have previously mentioned of "my feelings havent changed. i cant help that" i know that she can help her feelings and if she would get into the "feelings follow actions mindset" rather than the "actions follow feelings" i know things would change.



She pretty much bakes loads of stuff and will eat most of it, i talked ot our son yesterday and habvign a go together a baking and he said "dad can be make come chocolatre brownies they are my fave"

I know I shouldn't do this and it would be a LB, but I feel like when she says about her feelings not changed and she can't help that saying to her "if I had a bottle of liquid that would bring your feelings back instantly would you drink it" and seeing want her answer is. I know this would be a LB and not intending to do/say it but just wanted to vent out what I feel

Thanks for that and i wish my wife has said some of those things to me which would have given me a wake up call rather than bottling things up and not talking and ending up doing what she did

You registered here 8/23/2012.

I am not going to do the math but I don't think you have been plan A'ing for 6 months yet. Someone can do the math and prove me wrong.

Is when your WW say's: "my feelings for you havent change. i cant help that" in response to you asking her?

You should not be asking her that.

If her response is unprompted it is her resisting being plan A'd. This is a normal response for a WW. She is still fogged up and will not admitt that when she rewrote her marriage history all that she wrote was fiction to justify her affair.

This is why asking for or listening to such WW comments is pointless.

Remember that Plan A is not about being a doormat, acting needy, but showing your WW that the changes you have made are not short term but permanent by you displaying consistant behavior. That Dr H expects men to be able to plan A much longer then women. You have 6 months of hard work ahead.

Detoxing a WW takes time.

Thanks for that, she says this as I have said it respones to things I have done either fufulling EN's or time when I would have LB'd and now don't. I certainly arent asking her this is I know this would be needy/clingy so thanks saying this. All I have said in the past is that I hear here and that things will take time and I don't expect her feelings to come back over night or in a few weeks. Is this a good response or is there something else I should say or do?

Of course she doesn't see that her feelings can change. So what?

You be your best self/husband and either she eventually feels more for you
or not.

Either way, it ought not to have anything to do with YOUR actions and plans.

You keep on keeping on as you work them.

Yes i know that, but i just found that she only seems to say it in the scenerios like i have said and wanted ot see what other people made of it. Also how do i respond to it or dont i, do i just ignore the comment etc

It isnt changing anything i am doing at all, in my actions or plan, like i said just wanted to get other peoples take on it and scenerios it occurs in and how i should handle it.

If you need to respond to it, you can say "I see." and then change the subject.

Dave I'm not too happy with your snooping tecniques.

Your methods would not pick up an affair phone for example. OM is an accomplished wayward who finds victims on the swinging scene. He would easily be able to bypass your snooping.

If there is ANY contact you are wasting your time EN meeting. We make sure the work surface is clean, before we start rolling out the pastry, right? Otherwise you end up with crud pie.

If you can verify there is NC,then I wouldn't worry about her comments. Someone with a low love bank is feeling empty of love. That is a solid feeling that feels permanent. However it changes entirely when it fills up again. She can't possibly know that, but some instinct is keeping her where she needs to be to get refilled.

That same instinct also knows it is impossible to get refilled if you are at all demanding. So it is also a test. Will you respect her feelings of lovelessness or demand your own feelings be attended to? Begging, as you know is a demand with a promise of punishment. It says 'unless you do as I say, I will make you feel guilty'.

So just respond that every minute with her is a gift. That it doesn't cost you anything to try. Thank her for her honesty. Thank her for trusting you enough to tell you the truth. Tell her you just want her to be happy. That you will always be there for her. Be brief and smile. Smile as though you are merely happy to try and you need no other payment. Show zero interest in hanging around to nag her. Don't search her facial expressions like a man waiting on payday.

Her comments also could be a sign of guilt, due to ongoing contact. When affairs are active, the BS is attacked whenever they do anything nice due to the WS' guilt.

So verify NC and keep up Plan A.

- Not sure whatr else i can do apart from having key loggers installed, wifi tracking software etc etc.

- Do you the reason why she hasnt moved out and is still living at home with me.

- Yep fully understand that

- ok understand

NC as far as i cant tell and find out.