I don't see the guy as a sexual predator at all. Someone compared this guy in HopefulNC's case to a child molester trying to get a child into a car by offering candy. I can't find any similarity between the two - in one case you have someone trying to manipulate a child for the purposes of committing a crime; in another, you have an adult asking another adult for something that is not illegal (not going to get into the morality of it here), like someone asking me "paper or plastic".... The child is helpless, that is why they are protected by law; the adult (HopefulNC) is not helpless, she turned him down as she should have.. I don't see any similarity between the two...

This is not an issue of being "protected from a sexual predator", this is an issue of HopefulNC wanting her H to do something that he does not want to do - and as markos wisely said, it's a matter for them to POJA, and until they do, they should do... nothing .

AGG

Let's get this thread back on track and stop disrespecting fellow posters. This does not help the OP!

What is FGSN? Do I have that right? It's a new one on me.

I argue that it is. This man knows she is married, knows her husband, and still asked her for sex. you call that 'legal' and dismiss it?

She is outraged, and I stand with her. I don't think she needs poja to tell her husband that she needs for him to be outraged, too, she just needs to tell him she needs that, whatever he decides to do.

Four Guidelines for Safe Negotiation?

I never said "dismiss it". I said that it does not make the guy a sexual predator, it just makes him an opportunist. Plenty of those out there, sadly. I never said "dismiss it".


That's great, but you are not her H, and it's her H that she is married to, not you. She is demanding a reaction from her H, and I maintain that it is indeed a Selfish Demand and she needs to POJA her wishes, not demand them.

The more I think about it, the more I think that the most effective reaction would have been to laugh in his face. That would shrink him down much faster than confrontation...

AGG

I hope Hopeful comes back soon, to her own thread.

I don't see that she is demanding anything. She is expressing her desire: to have a man who will KO the competition if she brings it to him.

I don't think she wants a guy who would beat up a waiter who asked her what she'd like to eat (unless he leered and asked, "Would you like to swallow my meat, ma'am?").

It is NOT a SD to desire that your husband be a bit territorial with you. Women like that. No matter how feminist or strong or independent...we like for our guys to fight for us, mark us as territory, keep out predators.

Telling your spouse how to feel is a textbook example of a demand / disrespectful judgment. That would be abusive on her part.

There's nothing wrong with her being outraged and feeling a need here, but she needs to get her needs met in the same way as everybody else: thoughtful requests, respectful persuasion, negotiation.

FGSN is four guidelines to successful negotiation, btw. The only time I've ever seen Dr. Harley use that acronym is in Effective Marriage Counseling, but the concept is all over the place, and in the Basic Concepts. FGSN is the verb that gets you to the goal, POJA.

Yes, this is subject to POJA like everything else. Just because she needs it really bad does not mean it is not subject to POJA. Men need sex really bad, but it is still subject to POJA. Women need conversation really bad, but it is still subject to POJA.

Saying that it is subject to POJA is not dismissing it.

It's not SD to desire, that is true. It becomes an SD when the desire becomes an expectation that the desire must be accommodated by someone else. When your spouse is not automatically interested in doing what you want, you must negotiate (POJA) rather than push your POV (SD). No matter what 20 strangers on a forum might tell you about it .

AGG

It doesn't really matter how we would handle it, what do you want him to do? Be specific.

You are saying that he is not displaying the right response. You are saying he is wrong for not being


So you are both telling one another that you shouldn't feel that way. He says you shouldn't be upset. You are doing the same thing by expecting him to be more angry and telling the guy off.

If it's wrong for him to say you shouldn't be upset, isn't it just as wrong for you to then expect him to have feelings that conform to your view?

Additionally, given the following


How are you not being protected? You don't have to go pay the bill and he's going to let him know that you will not be doing business with him anymore.

You are very well protected here. So what dangers remain after your husband takes these measures?

Well... let's see...


HNC refused the offer, and then reported the instance to her husband. He's going to pay the last bill, and then they are switching mechanics.

Sounds like the comp has been stomped.


He's hittin the mechanic in the second most painful place to ever strike a man - his wallet.

Well, yes, but she'd like more. She's feeling an emotional need for him to do more here.

So to get that, she should approach him respectfully and non-demandingly, in negotiation. Not disrespectfully, telling him that he's wrong to feel this was enough, telling him he should handle it differently, telling him she has to have him do more, refusing to take no for an answer, etc.

She doesn't feel protected. It's not a logical thing, it's an emotional thing, and the solution is not for her husband (or us) to tell her she should feel protected.

I agree with you she is protected, in a logical sense. Prisca made a similar comment to me about this situation yesterday. But that doesn't handle the very real emotional need, which she absolutely should complain to her husband about (respectfully).

Here's a good read.
Complain about your spouse TO your spouse

And feelings are fickle. We see all the time what feelings do around here. They can lead folks into affairs or other bad behavior. So while I won't argue if she does or doesn't FEEL protected, I have to wonder if the problem is the amount of feeling vs the amount of thinking going on here.

She is free to not feel protected.

But is she really expressing a feeling, or expressing a DJ that is dressed up to masquerade as a feeling? I.E. I feel like you don't love me. That's not a feeling, that's a DJ. In the same fashion saying, I feel like you don't protect me is not a feeling, it's a DJ wearing a feeling facade.

She doesn't feel safe around the mechanic. That's a feeling. What she expressed about her husband here is a DJ, not a feeling.

I kinda like the post above this. Kinda as a joke, maybe she can change the way she feels much like how people with anger issues can train themselves not to feel angry.

I do believe how we feel is how we feel but one can be trained to quit feeling certain ways.I suppose that this is not the topic of this thread though

We have feelings, but are they constructive or destructive? Just as the person with anger has to learn to manage it, what about the person who "feels" other things.

However, I am serious about folks calling many things "feelings" that are nothing more than DJ's that are white-washed with feeling words.

She essentially says she doesn't feel like he is protecting her. Yet the facts are he has taken steps to protect her. Now if she wants different steps, she can negotiate. But it's clear that she is judging that he is not protecting her, when the opposite is true. Ergo, a DJ dressed up as an expression of feelings.

Either that, or some misplaced feelings. Neanderthal mechanic hits on her, and her "feelings" are about how she doesn't "feel" protected by her husband? She is free to feel this way. The question is, is it productive?

I do like the analogy above, just as folks have to learn to manage their anger, why not the same expectation for other feelings?

What is THIS? I sincerely hope that NOBODY reading this thread listens to this comment. Trying to correct a wife's feelings is precisely the opposite of Marriage Builders, and I can't see how anyone who ever listened to Dr. Harley would say anything like this.

Comparing her emotional needs to the feelings of a wayward? That's insulting and disrespectful.

EE, I think a bunch of us understand your agenda to go around straightening women's feelings out, but that's completely the opposite of Marriage Builders.

As several people have said on this thread, there is NOTHING wrong with her desiring that her husband do something to make her feel protected.