Marriage Builders does not teach trying to not feel your emotional needs. Instead, it teaches talking to your spouse about them.


It's usually fairly easy for an outside observer to spot the difference:

Need: I'd like it if you'd go see that man and lean on him a bit and tell him it better not happen again.
DJ: You should say something to him!
Need: I'd like to start having sex more frequently.
DJ: How come everything always has to be just right before we can have sex, and it never seems to be just right?


According to Dr. Harley, emotional needs are not really "rational," per se, so facts have nothing to do with it. What you are saying is like telling someone that they should feel "cared for," even when their spouse cares for them the wrong way. i.e., he goes to work and takes the kids to baseball games to care for her, so she should feel cared for even though she'd rather he do something different (take her out and talk to her). Or, she keeps the house clean and makes his dinner, so the facts say she's caring for him, so he should feel cared for even though she hasn't had sex with him in three years.


It is perfectly fine for her opinion on this to differ from his, and it's not disrespectful in the slightest. She should be honest about her feelings.


This could not possibly be more opposite to what Dr. Harley says.


The thing is that your feelings should not drive you to do something abusive. For example, her feelings are not an excuse for her to go tell him that he should feel outraged at what the man did. That would be disrespectful and abusive for her to do that.

Chiming in a little late, and I haven't read the whole thread, but I have to ask: did you tell the mechanic/aka hounddog's newly maternal girlfriend that the father of her child is trolling foreign waters?

**edit**

moderator's note: this post is being removed because it is not in line with MB concepts and is disruptive. Please familiarize yourself with Dr Harley's articles on complaints

A reminder to posters to stick to Marriage Builders concepts or refrain from posting. Telling posters they are engaging in abusive behavior for voicing complaints is disruptive and prevents the OP from getting help. Let's stick to the concepts, please.

Wow guys... This is month end for me at work and I hadn't had a chance to come back and check in until Saturday night, then the site wouldn't let me post because of time out errors.

Getting hit on by strangers isn't a big deal to me. It happens, I say no, tell DH, and that's it. I expected DH to be upset because this was a friend, someone we both trusted, and not just a random person.

DH drives about 4,000 miles a month, I drive 6,000 - 7,000 right now (my commute is 1340 per week). We see the mechanic every 2 or 3 weeks. And, we have a restoration project and the truck. The mechanic owns his own shop, his dad owns NAPA in town. It will hurt to lose our business, and it will be noticeable that we�re no longer using him.

I wanted DH to call him and tell him that it was unacceptable behavior the night it happened. Or at the least when he took him the check Thursday. I didn�t expect a physical confrontation, but I wanted him to tell him off. We talked about it and I�m fine with it now. I know in general he�s not confrontational. When I wasn�t able to take care of myself last year, he stepped up and did what needed to be done. So, if I�m not able to take care of myself, he will. If I�m able, he�s not going to. I don�t know where jealousy falls in emotional needs. Most of the time I would get angry at him trying to take care of it for me. The other 2% of the time, I expect him to jump in and take care of me. I think I had some unrealistic expectations for his reaction.

Also, we probably do need to change my EPs about being in cars with OS people. That would have prevented this situation.

I did ask here if I was being unreasonable because it�s month end, I�m still working crazy hours, and I�m commuting a long commute. I can be really unreasonable at month end. I was having trouble communicating what I was upset over and needed some input to figure that out without hurting feelings or making DH feel like I was saying he was being a pushover.

I�m leaving my current job November 15th for a job 5 blocks from our house in a small agency selling insurance. John is leaving his job mid December for a job selling life insurance for a large independent agency. By January 1st we will be home, full time, both of us working 30 � 40 hours a week. We�re not taking a huge hit on income by the time you take out for the miles we drive and the hours we spend on the road and the additional hours I spend working. And, the fact I really hate people by the end of the week and I hate doing anything by Friday night.

Hey, BrainHurts, I found it!!!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2329

Oh, and it doesn't say in-laws in the question.

Dr. Harley uses his own family as an example, so in his answer it talks about in-laws. But her question is just "What is the solution when a husband ignores disrespect expressed by others towards his wife?" In-laws is just one case of that, although definitely a hairier one than most.

Thanks markos.