...at 11yo he is way too young to know or understand...

FALSEHOOD!

As the father of an 11yo, you are too afraid to explain to him important facts that are affecting his life.

TRUTH!

Nope -- get OFF the subject of OM.
You want the OM to fade into obscurity - not bring him front and center.

You want your wife to FORGET him - not show her what a piece of crap he is.

This is another ploy by you to educate your wife. You want to teach her what a piece of crap he is. Don't make her feel stupid and defend her choice of affair partner.

Be very cautious with this.

ok, i have spoke to the other women he did this to now who has woken up and seen it, she pretty much told me everything that he has done with my wife that i knew and all the things he will have been saying say well and i hadnt even said a word. She has offered to talk to my wife if i want her to tell her what a complete &*&T he is and how he has said and done all these things before and she should believe what he has told her.

He is aware that we are having problems but I am sorry he is too young to know everything and all the sordid details.

Dave,

I understand you haven't exposed your past evil sex life to your son. Because you feel he is too young to understand.
Have you exposed it to anyone?

The impression I get is that you are upset that your wife is having an affair and you arent in control of it.

Your poor son will be terrified of marriage and probably blames himself for your marriage problems.
You need to act like a man and sit down and tell him it is not his fault. We ate having problems because I asked mommy to love other men and when we re married you aren't supposed to be in love with other people. I also loved other women and i was wrong and I will not do that again.

You're wrong. You think he's too young to know what adultery is? What, has he been wrapped in a cocoon, away from every television show, movie, or book that modern "culture" provides that has infidelity as a major plot-device? (To say NOTHING of the late-twentieth-century hijinks of a certain Prince of Wales and his former - now deceased - spouse!)

Dude, he's more familiar with extra-marital sheet-shaking than you blindly deny!

Guys I accept what your saying but please keep our son out of this, niether of us going to tell him all the sordid details. If you read the thread currently I am in plan A and trying to get my wife out of the fog and moving towards me do we can work together to rebuild our marriage

Update I found via snooping that the wife has joined twitter and was looking at OM. I am not that ofay with twitter or if you can message in private etc like Facebook. But I confronted her about it staying calm and asked her if she had been on twitter etc and she said no didn't understand it etc, got her to confirm she not been on it etc and still she said no. So then I asked her why was she lieing and looking at the OM profile etc, basically she was p1ssed off in a big way saying I don't trust her, she feels watched, spied on etc.

I said I did trust her but was suspiouces/paranoid etc after what has happened and how it happened and that I wouldnt be like it if she hadn't done it and also if I didn't love or care about her I wouldn't do it. Said I do care n love her and want to protect her and can't help worrying that OM tries to contact her and that it will time for the feelings of suspicion/paranoia to go.

At the moment she isn't talking to me much so not sure where this was a LB or one that had to be done.

We have told him we are having problems and that it isn't his fault in anyway and that we both love him equally and no matter what happens we will always be his mum n dad.

Exposure to all key people in your lives, and especially the children is a key component of the MB plan. It is cruel to let your son figure out the details of why you are having problems by himself.

Dr Harley says affairs should be exposed to all children over the age of four in an age appropriate way. Not doing so is fatal to the family, the child's upbringing (teaching that lying and hiding the truth is OK) and to recovery.

He says not exposing is often responsible for people not recovering. Keeping secrets is not the mindset necessary for recovery.

However I do think how you expose needs to be handled carefully. Your WWs affair for example. To be honest she is more victim than adulterer because she was led into OMs den. I think she will feel betrayed by any exposure without her say-so and I doubt she will expose alongside you while still foggy.

I have a theory she feels quite angry with you for getting her into swinging and will feel like he has abused then shamed her.

If it were only your own affairs, I would be telling you to man up and face the music regarding your son. But telling only your own As and not the WWs gives the son a misleading impression, and would be a lie too.

I'll be honest and say this is above my pay-grade and you should ask Dr H on the radio about a plan of how to go about it and how soon. Not exposing straight away could be damaging to your wife's fogginess and a way should be found to be honest with this poor kid about how and why his parents have veered so far wrong.

Dave, as you know I am not convinced you are really changing for the right reasons.. but, hey, that is your personal problem, not mine. I am just some random person on the web..right?

What I will tell you is that even a 1% deviation to the MB plan, and you can kiss your R goodbye.


Do you have SAA? The vets here follow Dr. Harley's advice. If you don't follow each and every step, you are going to prove that your intentions are not noble or you are just afraid/weak or both.

Regardless, exposure to everyone is one of the FIRST steps.

Your thread has lit up this board over the last couple of weeks with more replies than many. Why aren�t you taking all the advice?

MB is not a cafeteria style plan. Go over to the R and read about planAprincess. Her H resumed his A full throttle. Many believe this is because she skipped steps.

You want her to be all in or all out? Turnabout is fair play.

I know you are all excited about having this independent corroboration of how horrible OM is.....but you need to get OM OUT of your lives, not invite him back in over and over by talking about him.
She is not going to stop being "in-love" with him because of some words. Stop talking about him.

Being "in-love" or out of love is all about love bank balances. Obviously if OM is not arounding making deposits, your wife will lose the balance for him. In the meantime, you are increasing your account.

Stop bringing him up. I know you want her to hate him but its not gonna happen until she de-fogs. And de-fogging doesn't happen from TALKING.

20years n indie I will reply to you both once I am laptop as iPhone makes it a pia typing and editing replies

Any thought comments on what happened tonite and how I handled it?

Lexxy I have told my wife about any of this information I have found so definattly not talking about OM at all infront of her or with her. Yes I understand the poison he has fed her is slowly draining out of her and I am slowly filling her back with my love by fufulling EN's. Like I say I haven't brought him up at all with my wife and yes I would love her to see him for the weasel he is, I just wondered if this other person who has offered to talk to her would help to defog her by saying how he did the same to her and all the sane things were said

You need to treat her like an addict in that respect. Dont worry about pissing her off as you will have no chance otherwise. If she keeps retriggering you will keep going back to Day 1 of withdrawal each time she looks him up or is triggered.

Dont apologise for not trusting her, her accusation is just the addiction talking. She knows deep down that any normal protective husband would act the same way.

I would just stick to key phrases 'I will do whatever it takes to keep him away from you' or 'I never want us to have secrets from each other ever again' 'I will protect you even if it is uncomfortable for you' then ignore whatever justification she bleats for being addicted.

Exposure is sounding like a very urgent need to get her out of the fog. Has ANYONE been exposed to so they can help you protect her?

Pretty much no 11 year old of average intelligence will buy that 'problems' fell out of the sky and landed on you both. He knows your family is being stalked by some mystery enemy and he has no idea what it looks like or which form it will take when it attacks. He knows you are hiding and lying.

He knows that you are talking down to him because he is a kid. He knows that adults do this to kids when there is something so bad that they afraid of it too.

Having been a wayward, I can tell you that its a big mistake at this point to introduce a woman who will tell your wife that she meant *nothing* to OM.

This will likely induce in her a need to PROVE that what they had was REAL. That she was SPECIAL. She will need to contact him.

Is that what you want?

I know you think its going to click something in her brain and make her hate him. Not gonna happen. This is just not a good time for an ego-crushing...

Dave.
You are NOT in plan A.
Plan A includes exposure.
You drag your wife to sex parties and get her involved in all this garbage and have the nerve to tell your son you are having problems?

So your son should live in confusion? Magical, mysterious problems. I have a 5 year old daughter that understands why her parents are divorced.

So now your wife sees this man on twitter and you are upset.

The same man you encouraged her to have sex with.

You are an extremely self centered man and I are NO hope for your marriage. Your wife obviously sees none.

The ONLY slimmer of hope for a real marriage (and this means no sex outside of marriage) is for you to follow the MB plan.
YOU need to take the first step and apologize and EXPOSE your actions to all close friends and relatives including your son.

I think you don't want to because your like the drunk that got a DUI. You really aren't sorry you were encouraging your wife to have sex with other men, you're only upset you lost control of the situation. Like the drunk that is upset the cop pulled him over.

Seriously, you need to be a man and take responsibility for you actions before worrying about your wife's. Otherwise you have NO moral authority complaining about her affair.

You told her you trust her? Really?

I would say 'of course I don't trust you. Would you agree that your behavior has been anything BUT trustworthy'.

After Dday, I was scared to stand up strong to my WW. Know where that got me? In FR land. You both need to realize there is a huge difference between privacy and secrecy.

Privacy = closing the door when you go to the rest room
Secrecy = signing up for twitter stalking your lover without your H knowing

Carrot and Stick. Plan A but she must know the consequences of bad, dishonorable behavior.

What you CAN deal with is her anger, what you CAN'T deal with is the OM being in the picture.