How do I fill that need for her when this stupid thing keeps popping in to my head? I know it takes time but will it ever go away?

Memory, particularly painful or distasteful memory, has a distressingly long life. The best fix to the agony you are experiencing involves full truth about what happened, knowledge of why it happened, and the resulting new protections so that it cannot happen again. WW has a HUGE task to help you through this. It likely will be the most difficult thing she has ever done. TOUGH! She gets no vote in this. Remember this above all else:

The BS steers the recovery bus; the WS provides the power!

Hope this helps.
Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

One thing I have noticed about her attitude is, she is 2 years out of the affair, but because I just learned about the physical part, it's like it's brand new to me. She doesn't seem to understand that concept. It's really frustrating.

Broberts,

The difference is that she knew the truth for the entire time and was able to come to terms with what she did, and to a degree had forgiven herself. You on the other hand built your recovery on a lie and a lie that men have a more difficult time overcoming and forgiving, and it does reset your clock to zero possibly negative. She is relieving herself of a burden and feels better at the same time that you are given an anchor and told to swim, how thoughtful of her.

There is also an element of loyalty to the OM in what she did that is an irritant, it sounds like the OM and WW agreed on how much to admit to and WW kept to that agreement. I know that is a large part of why my W will not talk about OM2.

I believe that your WW is still not completely honest and believes that admiting to a minimum of truth, "it was physical" is enough. I would strongly urge you to get a polygraph for your WW so you can put this to rest. As Melody said earlier you don't want to doubt your WW for the next 5,10 or 20 years. I'm in that position now and it's no
fun to be considering divorce later in life.

Was the affair exposed on your WWs side and the OMs side? How close does the OM live to you?

Also you need to get your WW a complete STD test including an HPV test not just a pap smear which only looks for abormal cells.

God Bless
Gamma

The concept pushed by the WW is that it's old news is pushed by the WW because she does not want to recall the wrong things that she did. The WW spends years burying the affair. She has learned to block the affair memories. She does not want to recall them. Then WW will need years to re forget those memories for the second time.

This is why when a WW say's the affair happened so long ago can't you drop it now.

The way a WW chose to have an affair she now choses to not recognize the recent dday by her BH about an affair that has been over and dead for years is new to the BH.

But as DR H say's a WW must tell her BH everything about the affair.

Tell her that it is worse than just finding out an affair. You are finding out that the affair was much different than she claimed AND she lied about it for 2 years. So, the crime is compounded by the LIES. All the time you thought you were in recovery was just a CHARADE.

Ok, so we had a talk last night and I think it's starting to sink in that this is all fresh and new to me. She seems to be very willing to do whatever it takes to make this work and start down the road to recovery.

I have a question about exposure. We exposed the affair two years ago and she hasn't had contact with OM since. Do we need to start over with plan A or are we moving on to plan B? If I understand things correctly plan A is about squashing the A, and that has been over and done with for two years.

What EPs does she have in place?

Have the conditions that lead to her affair been eliminated?

Plan B is when you separate. You're planning to work this out, correct?
What are Plan A and Plan B

Plan B is when the WS will not stop having an affair.

You said the affair was over 2 years ago. So plan B is not for you.

"we exposed the affair two years ago": who did you expose?

Plan A is about showing your WW that marriage would is the best place for her to be. You need to continue the recovery work.

Have you and your WW read the books Surviving An Affair, and His Needs Her Needs, both by Dr Harley.

Broberts,

If WW is willing to do what is need then please ask her to take a polygraph. Trust us you don't have the full story, and trickle truth is torture and can go on for years and years.

Did you inform the OMW that the OM has had other affairs in addition to the one with your WW, please do that woman an enormous favor. Suggest to OMW that she needs to get a polygraph for OM.

God Bless
Gamma

She is willing to take a polygraph. I did inform OMW of everything. I hadn't got as far as reading plan B, guess I should have. We are not planning to separate. We just want to recover and have a happy marriage. The conditions that caused the affair have been eliminated. I ordered both Surviving and Affair and His Needs, Her Needs but haven't received them yet.

She seems very willing to do whatever it takes to start recovery. She has been reading the basic concepts on this site and really seems to like it.

Thank you all so much for your help.

Broberts,

She is willing to take a polygraph.

Good then schedule it and make sure you go through with it, this will save you years of questioning.

There is also a very good chance your WW will confess on the car ride to the polygraph.

God Bless
Gamma

She is willing to take a polygraph.

Great! Schedule this immediately.

She seems very willing to do whatever it takes to start recovery. She has been reading the basic concepts on this site and really seems to like it.

I hope your impression of her commitment is correct. There likely will be times ahead when you both will have to remember the sentiments you are today professing.

Here you go.
Requirements for Recovery from An Affair
Polygraph Testing

Ok, so polygraph is done. The truth is known. She is committed to do whatever it takes. I am struggling with anger issues. I want to lash out at her. I don't mean physically, but I just want to scream at her. I hope this is just a phase I am going through. How do you deal with and work though those feelings of anger?

Have you received the results yet?

Good job on getting the poly.

Yes, we have the results. Everything is out in the open. At this point I'm hurt still, but also angry. Like I said before, I just want to scream at her. She has been very supportive, but right now that's not making it easier.

broberts, the way you get over it is to not bring it up again and focus on creating a happy, fulfilling, romantic marriage. The way you do this is to throw yourself into building a great marriage. The most important thing you can do is schedule 15+ hours of undivided attention time per week. It should be spent alone, and preferably out on dates, meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Doing this will make your marriage recover the FASTEST. And the sooner you can the present happy, the sooner your anger and resentment will go away.

Be sure and don't bring up the affair again. When you are triggered, don't speak about it because talking about it makes it WORSE.

It's a phase. I thankfully went through that phase when we were separated and not spending very much time around each other.

Two months later, I feel sorry for my WW that she's having to experience the hurt of an affair. Since I can't believe a single word that comes out of her mouth, I instead just focus on:

- Am I meeting her top emotional needs? She needs conversation and affection. (Note: conversation about the affair doesn't count!)

- Am I making a selfish demand? The only demand I need to be making is "end the affair" and "respect boundaries".

- Am I making a disrespectful judgment?

- Am I about to have an angry outburst? An angry outburst means the affair partner wins. It means she was right about leaving me in the first place. Well, I want POSOM to lose. So I'm not going to have an outburst.

- Am I engaging in annoying behaviour?

Thank you all so much for your help. I received Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs in the mail the other day and have started reading them. I know it will get better, sometimes it's just hard to be patient.