Thank you Gamma and Mike,
Our kifs are adults now so they will understand everything.

I just want this mess done so we can start healing. Not sure if I will have a home after today, but I know I deserve whatever I get.

On the day after dday, my wife told me the extent of the A. ie. Not just oral, but intercourse was part of their relationship. The next 10 days or so was spent answering all my questions. It was uncomfortable and truly embarassing for her but I didnt care one bit. I learned of hotels, lunch n sex, fancy steak dinners and more hotels, positions, conversations, and shopping sprees. I asked about real dirty details, why?, because I wanted to know.

Then, at the advice of people here, I ended that line of questioning. She had told me everything I needed to know and I sensed a relief in her that NOT THAT THE QUESTIONING WAS OVER, but the A was over. Her complexion improved over the next few weeks. He gastro issues seemed to have disappeared. And, she taking way less Ambien and headaches pills than ever in our marriage.

Not a religious guy here, but the truth will set you free and it did my wife. In fact, she lives with a clear conscience today because she feels her past is passed and her husband knows all about it. We live for today and tomorrow.

sadsam777,

Please be glad you are doing this now and now 5 or 10 or even 20 years from now. My FIL and MIL are in that predicament they are in their 70/80s and my FIL is still holding out on the truth.

Running away without telling your BH will not lessen his suffering either, your BH has shown a large capacity for forgiveness I have no doubt it has more room.

God Bless
Gamma

Sadsam,

I'm an adult (27) and was told of my mother's affair when I was 25 years old. The difference (I hope) is that my mother had no remorse and subsequently married her loser.

I didn't care about specific dates. I didn't care about details. I simply said "what? who? what year?" and that was that. That was enough for me. I am married with my own kids and do not care to get caught up in the details.

Expect a lot of anger. Expect a complete loss of respect. Expect to earn that respect back, only with true actions and remorse which is demonstrated over TIME, and by that I mean months and years, not weeks.

I have zero respect for my mother after being told. Why? Not because of what she did - but because she had no remorse and felt her actions were justified. I pray for the day that she realizes how much she hurt her family and actually shows remorse for it. That is the day that respect will be returned and given.

Just thought you'd like to hear the other side of the coin.

sadsam, are you sill in contact with your AP ? and do you love him? If you are than you need to leave NOW.

Why do you want to stay with your husband? I find it hard to understand how after 30 years, why now? and how can you have been so wrong about your husband?

Before you can do anything for him you need to get all the help you possibly can to learn what is wrong with you and to fix it. It is not just about the state of your marriage that was the reasons for what you did, or what kind of man your husband was, there is a whole moral fiber issue, and how could you.

DXG,

Why do you want to stay with your husband? I find it hard to understand how after 30 years, why now? and how can you have been so wrong about your husband?

Actually for the first time in 30 years she has a real chance of marital happiness. She should not back out when victory is at hand.

God Bless
Gamma

sadsam, I'm quoting you from another thread you just posted on, and my questions to you are gonna be very harsh, and I believe, deservedly so.

Curious. What choice are you referring to that you might regret forever?

Seems to me you haven't expended 1/100th the effort into your marriage as you have making the ridiculously foolish decisions to cat around on your obviously loving husband for 30 years! What choice is causing you so much pain? The choice to be honest and faithful to the man that obviously adores you? Or is it the choice to be the kind of mother your kids and husband deserve and be proud of? Okay, maybe the choice to be a self respecting woman who can look herself in the mirror with pride and actually smile and mean it?

What choice is so difficult to make?

And while I'm at it (since you have pissed me off with your ME ME ME mentality) why did you even bother to marry your husband if you knew going in that all you had to offer him was a lifetime of pure selfishness on your part? Why did you subject him (and your children) to this lifetime of Hell? Why?

Why is it so damned difficult for you, at this stage in your life, to make the right choice.....

for a change?

How have your obviously wrong choices worked out for you so far? I may be about 3 fries short of a Happy Meal, but I'm smart enough to know that if what I've done for 30 years hasn't worked well for me, well then, it may be time to find another way to approach things.

I'm having a really difficult time wrapping my arms around why you have spent a lifetime doing the wrong things in life when it's so much easier, and less painful, to do the right things.

Tiger, thank you for your honesty even if you're pissed off.

Choice......my husband has told me that if I can't get fixed, then get out. I am afraid to get out..... I'd lose everything. If I stay, will we ever get better or do we spend the rest of our years in misery.....just for doing the "right" thing. Those are the things I fear regretting.

To clarify.....the year before we had our children, I broke off affair and determined to NEVER cheat again.
I was so free and happy. I was a great mom and much better wife for all the years the kids were growing up. I never "catted around" for all that time. My error was not telling all before the first pregnancy. (young and stupid) My husband would have had a choice then.

After the kids were grown I should have had my husband to lean on but he had issues of his own and couldn't be bothered with my need for attention. (no excuse....just facts)

I would love to make the right choice, and smile and be happy......that is why I am so angry!!!!! I miss the other man every moment of every day!!! Everyone says it will get better, and I will get out of the fog, but right now I am still deep in the middle of it and it pisses ME off. (me me me)

Thank you all for your support and suggestions of resources....I think it's time for me to sign off for a while.

I am not going to run off to my boyfriend, I am going to stay and keep working with my husband.

At the moment it is going very slowly, he has no interest in coming here for support or help. He just wants me to get better. I will keep reading the concepts and following the best I can by myself. One day he may get it....that will power alone won't fix me.
Thank you again.....even for the butt kicks and 2X4's.
Sadsam

Then I guess the $64,000 question is:

What do you really want? I've read what you think you want, but you've lied to this board for so long I think a lot of people may have some problems with the sincerity of what you write. I know I do, and frankly, I'm not one you should be concerned about pissing off.

sadsam, this board is completely anonymous, and yet you CHOSE from the beginning to lie to everyone here about the true conditions of your situation and thought process. Does that not tell you anything at all? Why would you lie to us? Seriously, why? We don't know you, and you don't know us, and you still chose to lie!

You have spent a lifetime lying to your family, and more importantly, yourself. You are so conditioned to this level of deceit it's simply become a way of life for you. Frankly, it's such a woven part of your secret life, I'm not sure you could survive if you did come completely clean.

But hey, I'm more than willing to be proven wrong.

Prove me wrong.

Don't be worried about losing everything. You will get your half. If you are living a lie with your H b/c you have never loved truly loved him, then you will be happier living an authentic life on our own. You have everything to gain by going your own way. I know you have remorse for your choices, but are you sorry you did it for the right reasons? It really seems like you were never capable of truly connecting to and loving your husband like a wife should. He obviously picked up on that. You never allowed true intimacy with the man you married as evidenced by your early affair. He deserves better than what you have given him. That is not what you promised him in marriage. So, he has some issues, ever think that his feeling your lack of connection and true intimacy made him withdraw? Ever think he was responding to signals that you were giving that let him know that he wasn't safe? I know you said that you were going to take a break, but I hope you check in.

sadsam, I truly do hope you don't make the mistake of leaving this board simply because of what I wrote to you. I told you at the onset it was going to be harsh, and I seldom let folks down in that regard. But you must understand, my harshness is not because I don't give a damn about you and your marriage, but because I do give a damn. You needed a **EDIT** last night, and (unfortunately) I'm good at doing that. I hope you realize my intentions were for your own benefit, and not an effort to belittle you. This board (myself included) would love nothing more to see you turn yourself into the type of wife and mother you claim to want to be. But sometimes it takes a bit of a reality sledge hammer to shake someone out of marital apathy. That was my intention, and I won't apologize for it.

If what you are saying is true about wanting to try and repair what has been broken for so long, then you are making one massive mistake taking a break from this board. These people can help you and your family. They are ready, willing, and able.

But you have to do two things to get this ball rolling:

1) Stop lying
2) Start listening

At the very least, I hope you're reading.

Sam, what are you going to do to recover your marriage? Do you have a plan? Please share it with us so we can help you.

I meant to expound on this last night as well, but ran into an Alzheimer's buzz saw and had to abandon ship.

sadsam, he's not your boyfriend. He's your ADULTERY partner. That's all...nothing more. Don't for one second delude yourself into thinking that it's anything more than that.

Think about it. What kind of "man" would integrate himself into another man's marriage? What kind of "man" would try to separate a real man from his children and a full time mother and wife?

No, that's not a man, or a boyfriend. That's an opportunistic slug. He is the typical POS.

Is this really so hard to understand?

Sam What normal man who says he loves a woman and is just fine with her going home every night to sleep with her husband?

There are about 3.5 bil men in the world and given time and opportunity a woman could fall in love if she let herself with how many? as long as you dont face up to your own actions there is no hope for you to find any happiness with any man.
I say again look how you have missed judged your husband whom you have known for decades, how much more the OM's motives and intentions.
Let me ask you this, If you miss the OM so much why don't you D your BH and marry this OM? Much of what you don't like about your husband is directly your fault, Why, because you have been disconnected from him and giving your self to to Other men , things that could have brought you much closer to true love.

Hi, Im back again.
The last month has been gross, for lack of better word.

My husband has been waiting for me still but I cannot seem to let go of my past.

I asked my husband if we would be able to move far away as everything reminds me of "him".
He didn't think it should be required that I should just look at our past, our kids, and all we have together and just decide to get over it.

If he would let me, I would walk away tomorrow and let him get on with living his life......he won't even let me do that. He says that he would feel like more of a failure if we split up.
Life is very sad at the moment.

He doesn't stop you from walking away.
He doesn't support you ending your marriage

Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley ?

I don't understand....is that a question or a comment?


No, I haven't read any of the books, Just what is on the website.

Do you have a counselor?

I did see one for a while, then we went as couple. Now my husband goes by himself.
I found it helped when I went alone, but with husband seemed like waste of time. It is hard to be honest when you don't want to hurt other person anymore then you already have.

I am so tired of all of it.......the stress, the tears, the regret, the guilt. I accept full responsibility for the mess I made, but I just want it to all stop now. I read where people are still struggling years later, I can't imagine surviving that long.