First off, I'm not married, but have been in a long-term live-in relationship for over a year, and I love my Lady, so it amounts to the same thing, at least to me it does. First a little about me. I'm a 60 Y.O. small business owner from Indiana. I divorced my wife 4 years ago. It was mutually agreed upon, and we are good friends. I dated for a while until 2 years ago, when I met my Lady. We decided to become exclusive, and live together last year in July, so it's been a little over a year. She is 54 Y.O. and is a marketing rep and is gone frequently on business trips. When she is home, She is wonderful to me. She buys me expensive presents, cooks or does anything I want, and our sex life is phenomenal ( every day , at least once)and We seemed to be soulmates, we talk for hours, do romantic things, etc. I have been happier with her than I have been in years. One of her trips is to Dallas Tx. She goes there about 3 days a month. Last week, while she was in Dallas, I finally made the last payment on my business mortgage. To celebrate, I thought I would fly down to surprise her and take her to Cancun for the Holidays. I arrived at her hotel about 10:00 with roses and Bubbly and went to her room. I guess everybody knows what happened. She answered the door and when she knew it was me, kept me waiting in the hall. After a couple of minutes she opened the door and this guy was sitting there with his t-shirt and pants on and she was in her robe and nightie. I threw the flowers and bottle in the trash, and left even while she was grabbing my arm trying to get me to stop. I have refused to see her since. She calls me at least a dozen times a day and has had friends come and talk to me, but I am so hurt and angry that I've refused all contact. I Love her so much, what do I do? She e-mails me begging for a chance to explain, buthow can I believe her? My family lives quite a ways away, I guess I just needed to tell my story. Is there any way tio repair this?

So do you still think marital commitment and a live-in relationship of less than 2 years 'amount to the same thing'? Can you explain why you think that? Was it the 'exclusive' part? ('Cuz, I mean, I was 'exclusive' with my first girlfriend in high school when I was 16, but it wasn't anything like a marriage commitment and didn't amount to the same thing in any way, shape or form.) Did she ever actually promise to be faithful to you? Or did y'all just assume?

There's a book called "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders." You probably oughtta get it & read it before you make any serious decisions about what to do next here.

To put it in those terms, she hasn't bought ya, she just rents ya. You're her Indiana guy. She probably also 'rents' this Dallas guy (just on a shorter-term lease; you're her long-term lease); and when she's in Dallas, she's probably "exclusive" to him, and perhaps even has been for even longer than the couple of years you've known her. (Or maybe not; maybe she's just in the habit of grabbing someone randomly from the lobby bar whenever she's there; which I guess probably wouldn't be any better as far as you're concerned.)

So why do you want to 'repair' this? 'Repairing it' might mean that she gives you some disease that'll make your pecker rot off. Just sayin'.

Bob, I'm not here to give ya a hard time. I'm no great example -- heck, when I was 41, I did something I'd have once sworn I'd never do -- cheated on my wife. Worst thing I've ever done & will be still if I live to be 500 years old. We saved our relationship & our marriage, but at that point, we'd had 22 mostly good years to rebuild upon, during which we'd treated one another well, without the lies from my 2 & a half month affair. And the rebuilding was still hard! Sounds like you & this lady only have a fraction of that positive history, minus any of the commitment. That doesn't sound like a very promising foundation upon which to rebuild anything worthwhile. Are you sure that's what you want?

Bob,

Were you having an affair when you divorced your wife?

AM

Well. She is not commited to you. You are not married.
You are renters and renters stay in relationships until something better comes along

The best thing to do is leave. Be glad you didn't get married to this woman.

I currently have two apartments. Planning to vacate one at the end of the year, and planning to vacate the other this weekend. I'll be moving in with some friends, but will stay for as long as it suites me. Your relationship with this woman was no different. (And pay attention to how I have multiple apartments; they're so cheap, it makes sense. The same's true in a living-together relationship. What does the other person have to lose, other than a roommate, which can be easily found on Craigslist?)

Be glad you found out before you invested any more time and married the garden hoe.

It sucks to be cheated on whether married or not.

This points out why traveling jobs are not good for relationships. Don't believe me ask Dr Harley.

Many relationships are "perfect" in the first year. It's a dating honeymoon. I don't think my husband and I had a single disagreement (let alone argument) in the first year of dating, or even the second now that I think back. That's just typical of dating.

So, after a year, you've realized that she has a secret second life. Most people who do are perfect & charming in many other ways It is normal after a year or more to find out that your dating partner is not perfect like you thought (whether it's a disagreement on political issues or sleeping with others on business trips).

The solution is simple, and it is to break up. Now, it may entail some details of leasing or finance since you guys decided to live together, but surely you realize (as a divorced man) that you can walk away from this much easier than you were able to with your ex-wife?

No, Armymama, we had other issues, but were both faithful.

That's not entirely true. I had a ONS with a Stewardess about 27 or 28 years ago. My wife, however, was faithful, as far as I know.

Oh Farmer Bob, my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry that it turned out the way it did. I hope you realize that she is not worthy of you.

To clarify, we bought a condo together, and rent out a couple of shops on the first floor of the same building. My business is separate and at a different location. I guess what I'm interested in is not whether this SHOULD be repaired, but if it CAN be repaired. I'm just staggered by this, so much so, that if I were a crying man I would be bawling right now. I really fell hard in love with her, and thought she felt the same. I never , in a million years, thought I would be cheated on. I mean, that sort of thing happened to other losers, right? Not to good guys like me. The man she was with in Dallas was a black guy, who looked to be a good bit younger than me. **EDIT** I don't know much about this sort of thing. Did I not satisfy her? **EDIT** I just don't know. She's been calling me, sobbing and begging to meet and "just talk". She says that there are some important things she wants to tell me, that she hopes will make a difference, as to whether or not we break up.

Surely your wife was no loser 28-29 years ago when you did the same?

The problem lies within the boundaries of the person, not their spouse being at fault for such actions.

You jumped way too deep into the pseudo-commitment pool here by purchasing a condo and getting into business ventures with a girlfriend of just over a year. You didn't take the time to get to know her for what she was and for how she perceived you - you assumed she would honour you the same as a loving faithful wife, and you have learned the hard way.

Well, you probably just lost a lot of us who might be inclined to weigh in with some excellent advice to your situation until you posted something as naive as this.

This is extraordinarily offensive to many of us BS�s on this board who certainly are not �losers� pal.

You need a reality check.

I'm out.

Thank you RQ, but I know I'm no saint. I did a bad thing 28 years ago, but does that mean I deserve this, because of a single drunken fumble? If this was also a ONS on her part, how can I take the moral high-ground?

You are right Alis, my ex wife is NOT a loser, that was a poor choice of words, on my part.

I apologize for my poor choice of words, I just am so angry that the words came out. I certainly don't feel that way about anyone, except maybe myself.

Well, I know what you meant to say - that cheating on someone implies that the spouse is someone who deserved it/wasn't good enough. And that is certainly not true, as I'm sure you've realized the hard way.

MB teaches that ALL people are capable of adultery, but that when one maintains proper boundaries, they will not do such a thing. One can be in a miserable marriage and still not commit adultery as long as they maintain their boundaries.

FarmerBob, although it really hurts, I would look at this like a blessing in diguise. You found out that she is deceitful BEFORE you got into a committment with her. Dating is a job interview for marriage, and when the candidate does not measure up, she flunks the interview.

My suggestion would be to cut her loose now. You will experience short term pain, but the alternative is short term pain and long term pain if you stay hooked up with a dishonest person. If you marry her, for example, your marriage will be a disaster because the focus will be on her cheating and lying rather than on creating a good marriage.

And you should know that marriages that begin by shacking up have an 85% failure rate. Shacking is terrible for relationships because are based on a tentative renters agreement that is taken into the marriage. These marriages usually fail within 2 years. And your relationship is already absolutely crippled so your odds will be even less.

Do yourself a favor and cut her loose. There are better fish in the sea.

Thanks, Alis, I really didn't mean any disrespect to any of the other people here, and I really appreciate those who have taken time to answer me. I was on one of the other infidelity websites, but what I got mostly was that I deserved it for my ONS, or that I was doing something wrong. I was wondering if DR. Harley's ideas can help me.

20 yearhistory, I do hope you will return, and I am really sorry for my screw-up.