I don't know, ML, you are probably right, but it was the best relationship I've ever had, including my marriage. I was sure that we would marry this fall or winter. Actually we've been seeing each other for 2 years, exclusive for 1 year.

The problem (amongst many) here FarmerBob is that this "amazing" relationship was not what you thought it was. She has a secret second life - you don't truly believe that this was the first time she had some younger man in her hotel room, right? That at 54 years of age, this was the first random act of such behavior? As an older businesswoman making financial investments, I don't wager she's a dumb gal in that sense.

Your impression of this perfect relationship was based on a shiny surface - once you actually looked deeper, you realize now that it was a bit of a sham, right?

Did your wife ever know about that ONS? (I have a reason for asking)

I guess I agree with most of what is being said. She called again a couple of minutes ago, and I took the call. She says that she wants it to work out between us and that if I will let her , she would like to explain herself. She promises complete truthfulness. I told her to come over to my business and we can go into thew office and talk . She will be here in about 15 minutes. Whether we try to repair our relationship or end it, I still have to interact with her until the business affairs are settled, right?

She didn't until we divorced.

But now you know it was not a good relationship, right? If the candidate lies during the interview, do you hire them? Of course not.

If you pursued a relationship with her, you would be damning yourself to a future of hell. Why do that?

No, you don't. Your affairs could be settled through a 3rd party. You would feel better sooner if you didn't have contact.

ML, I could do everything through a lawyer, but I'm a pretty straight up kind of guy, and won't condemn her without a hearing, so to speak. The ONS was way the hell out of character for me.

I suspected that. You see, when one hides deceit and lies, as you did hide it from your wife for so many decades, they develop a (common) perception that "what they don't know can't hurt them". I'm sure you never told your wife because you wouldn't do it again and you didn't want to hurt her. Marriage Builders teaches us that the hurt is already done - that her belief that you were a faithful husband was built on lies. And it was - because she may have decided, at that time, that she wanted to divorce because of who you really were.

So, here you are believing that you had an awesome relationship while she operated under the "what he doesn't know, won't hurt him" assumption. Now, you actually have the facts - that she is sleeping with other men - and it's your choice what to do next (obviously MB principles will tell you to run like hell). But the important thing here is that at least you have THE TRUTH to base your decisions on.

Radical honesty. Do you see how the "ostrich in the sand" belief of an awesome relationship can actually be a lifelong bad habit which needs to be reformed in order to have an actual awesome relationship? One that is REAL and not based on a false store front?

Is it karma? I'm not a believer in that. But I do think bad unbroken habits will eventually enable future incidents.

Bob, you don't have to condemn her, but you can decide to end the relationship. You caught her with another man, I don't know what else there is to hear. I have no doubt that she will have a big fish story to explain, most do. We have even had cheaters who were caught in bed, IN THE ACT, attempt to deny what was obvious.

So, unless there is a heartfelt confession and apology, you should dismiss anything she says. And even if she does apologize, I would still assert that this relationship is already statistically doomed. That 85% divorce rate is for shack up jobs that didn't experience lying and cheating. Why volunteer for that?

I don't exactly get what you are saying, Alis. I Would have told my wife, if she had asked me, and the only lie I ever told her was the unspoken one. I only told her even when we divorced because she asked me if it had ever happened. Believe it or not, I'm not in the habit of avoiding unpleasant truths, and this is probably the only truly deceitful thing I've ever done. My GF just got here so I'm going to talk to her now. Thanks to ALL of you, it has helped.

Well, if nothing else, it was an interesting chat we had. She had been married before, but what I never knew was that, the last year , their marriage was an open one, and that they were frequent swingers. This is the first I've heard any of this!!! The man she was with is her FWB or "friends with benefits", a new term to me, which means a person who you see just for sex, or something like that. There is more, but I'm busy and haven't had time to process it yet.

Again, more to show you that your "perfect" relationship was based on upon a false assumption of who she was. This woman has no interest in monogamy.

I'll spare elaboration on my previous post except to say get a lawyer, get out of this financing, and consider Dr. Harley's MB program for dating after divorce to learn how to avoid situations like this again.

Point of clarification: this board is titled, "Surviving an affair", not "Surviving my live-in girlfriend sleeping around". This website is called "Marriage builders". The only marriage you've mentioned is the one where you cheated on your wife, and then divorced her 28 years later. That's not a solid foundation for future relationships for you.

I've chosen business partners poorly before and hired employees poorly before. Retain competent legal counsel, good accountants, and extricate yourself from this mess. This woman is not a good business partner. If I would have seen the warning signs with my former business partner a year sooner, I'd be $45k richer, and five years sooner, I'd be $80k richer.


Good guys get cheated on all the time by bad people. Bad people cheat. I am not a loser because my WW has decided to throw away a happy marriage with a man who loves her in order to hang out at bars with small-time musicians until 2 AM. I am not a loser, because I never cheated.

Guys who cheat on their wives are losers, until and unless they repent and change.


I'm not sure how the race of the person she cheated with is relevant; he probably doesn't even know you exist. (It's not like your girlfriend has to pull a ring off her finger before one of these escapades.) People who have multiple sex partners typically aren't doing it for satisfaction, but because of their own insecurities. Did you cheat because your wife didn't satisfy you?

You're 60. You need to figure out what you want from the rest of your life. My advice would be to find something you like to do that's good, and good for others, and stick to it. Start meeting good people. Avoid bad people.

Avoid sex outside of marriage, unless you want to get your heart broken again.

I know I robbed a bank, and I would have given the money back, but I didn't because the po po didn't come and ASK me if I robbed it and ASK for the money back, so that's ok, right?

I think, FarmerBob, that you don't value marriage very much if you equate your live in gf to a wife, and that you diminish cheating, at least your own one night of drunken whateveryoucalledit, and you even diminish lying. If she didn't ask, then it's not my fault she didn't know about it!

No you do not deserve to be cheated on because you cheated, although most BS's DO have some faith in kharma. I am just pointing out the fact that if YOU diminish marriage, cheating, and lying, then why would you expect your current partner to take it all seriously?

So she's still in the swinger lifestyle.

What are you going to do? Fish or cut bait?

FarmerBob, you've been duped.

If I were you, I'd get tested for STDs immediately. Her friend with benefits might also be with herpes.

Sorry man.

FarmerBob, has your ExWife moved on with someone else?

I can't believe that you think that a one year "exclusive"(with her FWB exception apparently) relationship with this person is better than your 28 year marriage with your ex wife.

Cut and RUNNNNNNNNNN

Qoheleth, I've apologized three times for my poor choice of words. I was angry when I said it, and really don't think that at all, Right now I'm the only loser here.

I should clarify. I'm not very good at this forum stuff. Bear with me. My relationship with my GF was better than my marriage when it ended, not the whole marriage. My ex wife is not involved with anyone, she and I do lunch two or three times a week, to do family business and such.