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Just one question
How do you really know that she and her ex husband was swingers
and had a supposed open marriage?
Could it be that the hotel clown dude,was her thing on the side?
that ended her marriage. Am asking because couple�s that are swingers.
They NEVER have secrets. But apparently she had secret only for you.
makes no sense
So how much do you really know about her? That's a really good question, Holycrap , and one that I WILL bring up to her, tonight.
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I mean she bought me a $4,000 Antique Colt revolver, just because I saw it and said I liked it. Who does that? Someone who tries to buy affection and romantic love, rather than earn it and work at it. When we are together, she is absolutely attentive, will do anything (and I mean ANYTHING)I say, and thinks I'm the greatest man ever. This last year has been the best I've had since my wife and I were still in love. If she's a skank, she's a rich , beautiful, and sexy one, that's for sure. Bob, when you are together she is absolutely attentive, and when she is with the next guy, it sounds like she is the same. You are not unique. She is a player. This woman sounds skilled at meeting a man's EN's in the short term. But there is a vast difference between meeting a man's ENs in the short term (whilst her needs are being met), and being COMMITTED to meeting a man's ENs in the long term so her needs continue to be met. Fidelity is part of that. And she has shown she can't be faithful after just a year... this is NOT marriage material. BTW, why did she never tell you about this "swinging" lifestyle. Why did you have to discover it as you did? What else is she concealing? Who knows what else is in her past. At this point , the only thing I'm sure of is her name.
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She buys you nice things but there's a catch, she likes to sleep with other men. Really FarmerBob, I would expect that from a na�ve 18 year old girl...? You're a 60 year old man, you should know better than to fall in love with a "Sugar Mama" who spreads her sugar around to others. Well, Alis, if a woman who looks like she does, comes up to you naked , holding a $4,000 antique, and says that "everything I see is mine" What would you have done? Refused? I think not.
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Melody, you make good points, thanks for trying to help and not criticize. I will be seeing her tomorrow night, and will hear what she has to say, but it doesn't look too hopeful. Even if she did all she says she will do, can I ever forget this weekend? Probably not. I'm going to bed now so thanks to all of you who have given me some help. Its not about this weekend. It's about who she really is. I agree, completely.
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FarmerBob, your best chance for happiness is to turn your lunch meetings with your XW into dates.
I would start doing everything you can to win her back. It's quite literally your best option. Although I would certainly understand if your XW has no interest whatsoever. Not going to happen,Qoheleth. Our relationship is 1,000% better than it was during the last 5 years of our marriage. Our respect and friendship for each other is too important to jeopardize it by trying to regain something that died a natural death.
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I don't know who you think you are, but your comments are neither accurate or helpful. I made ONE bad choice 28 years ago, and never looked at another woman since that time. I value marriage very highly. I have never said that what I did was anything other than stupid and disgraceful. My ex wife seems to think I was a pretty damn good husband. Our issues had nothing to do with the ONS. I am a BS whose WH had a ONS early in our marriage and didn't tell me about it for over a decade (of course, I don't think I asked...). And it destroyed us from the inside out, him never being able to look me in the eye or engage me out of guilt for what he had done, and me knowing there was something secret but never knowing what it was. I have found your comments about your ONS and its affect on your former marriage to be very minimalizing, and I am simply pointing out that by doing this, you do not GROW from the experience and apply a new and better set of rules to your next relationship, if there is one. If you take everyone's good advice and leave this relationship, you will move on, and you seem to be a decent guy who is really looking for love. You can read up on and embrace the MB principles, such as Radical Honesty, and learn how the lack of them may have contributed to the destruction of your first marriage, and to this current relationship. And you can also learn from those principles to apply them to future relationships to make them better than you have ever had. Thanks, Unwritten, and I am definitely going to study the MB principles, regardless of what I do with my present GF.
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Well, Alis, if a woman who looks like she does, comes up to you naked , holding a $4,000 antique, and says that "everything I see is mine" What would you have done? Refused? I think not. Ok. She is incredibly gorgeous and rich which makes her a target for all the predatory OM out there. You also now know that she has no boundaries. Mix in the fact that her job requires substantial travel. How can you ever feel safe with someone like that? Sounds like a life of misery and insecurity. Don't sign up for a death of a thousand cuts FarmerBob.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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FB,
I would guess swingers have deep sexual addiction that may be difficult to shake but it can be overcome. Saying that, I would caution you as to her ability to be open and honest with you. Should you choose to remain with her that is another hurdle you will have to overcome.
A detailed list of extraordinary precautions that protect you and your relationship are vital. I.E. no talking to other men from her sin filled past, no personal conversations with men, no riding in a car alone with other men, etc... You are in a tough position. I know many are telling you to run. Easier said than done.
I was a serial cheater and I am so thankful my DW didn't run when she thought all was lost. The founder of Marriage Builders is a master at restoring what has been broken. Follow his advice and your relationship will be greater than you ever imagined.
FWH 42 (me)
BW 43
M 20yrs
3 DS 14, 17, 18
As for God his way is perfect, the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield to all who take refuge in him.~Proverbs 18:30
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Bob.
I think you should read His Needs Her Needs and see if you can repair your marriage.
You are divorce and living with a swinger?
I guess you have a choice: Accept that your girlfriend has other sex partners or dump her.
Who asked for the divorce? Were you seein this lady before your divorce? I ask because after reading your thread that's what it sounds like.
You like meeting with your ex wife 2 or 3 times a week and havin sex with this woman.
You ask if swingers change? There's a swinger on this forum right now. He claims to have quit cold turkey. Of course his wife fell in love with her sex partner and now he's trying to win her back.
People that "swing" have NO boundaries and if you want to spend your sunset years trying to fix her then you will have a full time fruitless job.
I would caution you not to be drawn into her lifestyle while you are emotionally distraught. The other poster I reference did exactly that to his swinging wife after she caught him having an affair (although like with your girlfriend they've probably had dozens of partners and you only know about this Dallas guy). But he talked her into swinging. Years later, they are both messed up. DON'T LET HER BRING YOU INTO THAT. Good advice, HDW. To answer your questions, our divorce was mutually agreed upon. We sat down and discussed our situation, rationally, and felt it was best for both of us. No, I did not meet my gf until I had been divorced for about 2 years. Let me put this straight, our divorce had nothing to do with anyone else, or any past indescretions, (hers or mine), but was, rather, the only way we could save what was good in our marrige. BTW, I will never involve myself in the Swinging lifestyle. It sounds disgusting.
Last edited by FarmerBob; 09/07/12 09:59 AM.
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She buys you nice things but there's a catch, she likes to sleep with other men. Really FarmerBob, I would expect that from a na�ve 18 year old girl...? You're a 60 year old man, you should know better than to fall in love with a "Sugar Mama" who spreads her sugar around to others. Well, Alis, if a woman who looks like she does, comes up to you naked , holding a $4,000 antique, and says that "everything I see is mine" What would you have done? Refused? I think not. I'm not interested in naked women. I think, perhaps a nude woman can tempt a man a bit more than a nude man can tempt a woman (... difference of the sexes, I suppose). When I was dating my husband originally, he wanted to pay off my student loans (which, I think were in the realm of about $8000). I said no. I find it over the top for a dating relationship. Good luck to you FarmerBob, MB's post-divorce materials may help you in the future but you seem more convinced at saving the fantasy of your perfect girlfriend. That is your choice. I am done and will direct my energy to assist those who are struggling in actual marriages, since that is what the forum is for. My input was actually to assist you with post-divorce recovery rather than saving this sinking Titanic.
Last edited by alis; 09/07/12 10:02 AM.
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Well, Alis, if a woman who looks like she does, comes up to you naked , holding a $4,000 antique, and says that "everything I see is mine" What would you have done? Refused? I think not. Ok. She is incredibly gorgeous and rich which makes her a target for all the predatory OM out there. You also now know that she has no boundaries. Mix in the fact that her job requires substantial travel. How can you ever feel safe with someone like that? Sounds like a life of misery and insecurity. Don't sign up for a death of a thousand cuts FarmerBob. "Death of a thousand cuts"? That is how I would describe the last few years of my marriage.
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FB,
I would guess swingers have deep sexual addiction that may be difficult to shake but it can be overcome. Saying that, I would caution you as to her ability to be open and honest with you. Should you choose to remain with her that is another hurdle you will have to overcome.
A detailed list of extraordinary precautions that protect you and your relationship are vital. I.E. no talking to other men from her sin filled past, no personal conversations with men, no riding in a car alone with other men, etc... You are in a tough position. I know many are telling you to run. Easier said than done.
I was a serial cheater and I am so thankful my DW didn't run when she thought all was lost. The founder of Marriage Builders is a master at restoring what has been broken. Follow his advice and your relationship will be greater than you ever imagined. The problem is, Nit2winher, do I even want to try?
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I would like to take time to say a few things about my ONS. Even after 28 years, I still am not completely sure why it happened or if I did the right thing afterwards. It was done and over so quickly and I was back in the real world of my mid-west lifestyle, so fast, that I didn't have time to process it , completely. I came back from my trip with every intention of spilling the whole thing to my wife. I was scared of the fallout from my stupidity, so I confessed to my Minister, and asked his advice. He said that if I repented of it (which I did)and was sure that there would be no repeat (which there wasn't)that I should not tell her about it and ruin my marriage, but use the guilt and memory of it as a motivator.
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Well, Alis, if a woman who looks like she does, comes up to you naked , holding a $4,000 antique, and says that "everything I see is mine" What would you have done? Refused? I think not. I would run as fast as I could the other way, because a woman that desperate doesn't respect herself, and doesn't understand proper boundaries. $4,000 gifts are usually a sign of deep personal insecurities. The problem is, Nit2winher, do I even want to try? I sure wouldn't want to try with your girlfriend. But I'd give it a shot with the ex-wife. The fact she hasn't gone out of her way to personally and financially destroy you in the divorce is a very positive sign.
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
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I hope that I've answered most of your questions, but now I've got to go make some money. I will come back this afternoon, later . BTW, while I'm perfectly willing to discuss my personal situation, openly and honestly, I will NOT discuss my ex-wife's issues and behavior, as I don't think it is my place to do so.
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I would like to take time to say a few things about my ONS. Even after 28 years, I still am not completely sure why it happened or if I did the right thing afterwards. It was done and over so quickly and I was back in the real world of my mid-west lifestyle, so fast, that I didn't have time to process it , completely. I came back from my trip with every intention of spilling the whole thing to my wife. I was scared of the fallout from my stupidity, so I confessed to my Minister, and asked his advice. He said that if I repented of it (which I did)and was sure that there would be no repeat (which there wasn't)that I should not tell her about it and ruin my marriage, but use the guilt and memory of it as a motivator. Your minister? That was terrible advice - to lie to your wife.
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[quote=FarmerBob]I hope that I've answered most of your questions, but now I've got to go make some money. I will come back this afternoon, later . BTW, while I'm perfectly willing to discuss my personal situation, openly and honestly, I will NOT discuss my ex-wife's issues and behavior, as I don't think it is my place to do so.
Well if you refuse to talk about these issues how can anyone offer you advice?
Everyone has suggested you dump the slut girlfriend.
Why not discuss your lifelong marriage and see if you could build it into a wonderful marriage?
Marriage isnt a thing that works or doesnt work.
You say it died a natural death. Sounds like it died of neglect and possibly because neither of you had the tools to make it work.
If you had the tools to make it work would you?
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Well if you refuse to talk about these issues how can anyone offer you advice?
Everyone has suggested you dump the slut girlfriend.
Why not discuss your lifelong marriage and see if you could build it into a wonderful marriage?
Marriage isnt a thing that works or doesnt work.
You say it died a natural death. Sounds like it died of neglect and possibly because neither of you had the tools to make it work.
If you had the tools to make it work would you? HBW, it seems like FarmerBob has been thoroughly influenced by the cancers in our culture. But life isn't a Judd Apatow movie where a man's success is measured by how crazy in bed his girlfriend of the week is, and it's not a Disney movie where wanna-be lovers buy outrageously expensive gifts. Unfortunately it seems the people in his life, like his minister, have been giving him horrible advice. "Thou shalt not lie" would seem like Seminary 101 to me; I've never heard "Thou shalt not say something that might hurt another person's feelings, even if they have a right to know and they'll eventually find out anyway" in theology class. It takes a bit of effort to convince a man that a life spent chasing crazy girlfriends, one-night-stands, and bizarre lifestyles like swinging is not the happiest, best way to spend one's life.
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
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I would think, if I asked the preschoolers at Sunday school, "Is it okay for daddy to lie to mommy", they would have given a better answer than FarmerBob's religious advisor.
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Bob,
Let me guess about the demise of your marriage. You didn't talk much to your wife and weren't particularly affectionate and she wasn't interested in doing fun recreational things with you and she thought sex was a chore.
Maybe you each demanded the other do some things, were a little bit disrespectful, had some arguments. Perhaps,each of you operated a bit independently, and did some things that were annoying to the other person. We already know that you were a liar in the marriage.
Am I close?
AM
Last edited by armymama; 09/07/12 12:09 PM.
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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