I understand.

Its been so overwhelming. This is the worst I have ever felt in my whole life. I just didnt think she would have done these sorts of things.

I did talk to my counselor today. I told him everything...all that I knew. Even what she emailed this guy on Tuesday.

He thinks it may have something to do with her family life. That she has an older brother that was the golden child. She felt she could never live up to him & maybe she chose a different path. That her online dating before I met her, was her norm in life. Partying, sex talk, ONS, etc were too.

I think her college roommates & friends played a big role in this norm based on what she has told me. I think my WW was often the 3rd wheel. Some of her friends were promiscuious & had a partying lifestyle. So she became 'easy' so she could experience the same things they were.

Are you going to file for a divorce?

Is anyone besides me keeping score here?

At 8:07 I posted a rather acerbic note explaining that our subject here is likely highly driven by deep-seated need for female reassurance and validation.

So, including my post which SCREAMED to be answered (even if it were "STFU, NG!") NG(M), Alis(F), Gamma(M), HDW(M), NW(M), Alis(F), and NW(M) have posted to him - five male posts, two female posts.

JR answered Alis twice (one a legacy), and HDW once. So my only question is:

HDW, how did you break through?

Ok, yes...I do have a strong female presence (my father was & still is silent in my life).

I'm trying to remember the other questions:

Have a filed for divorce yet? I was on the course to do so. So Yes I was. I felt a lot of guilt in this. I knew I was partially at fault for what happened...I failed to meet her emotional needs. She is 100% owner of the emotional affair. I know that.

I then got the email from her asking me to come back home...I know, I know...it was so I could help pay the mortgage.
Did I think she was crazy for suggesting co-habitation...hell yes. Dumbest thing I have ever heard. How in the f#$k can I stay in a house with my wife, who has been cheating on me in the most vile way...co-habitate with her.

I suggested we try counseling. She showed up, when she didnt have to. From my snooping, she has stopped talking to any outside people (as far as I know).

Am I codependent? Yeah I know so. I've been thru this crap before & I acted the same way. I have felt guilt for over 8 years for that. I have hated myself for failing to meet her needs back then too.

Am I taking medication? YEs I am taking anti-depressants & anti-anxiety daily.

Am I going to go to a co-dependency meeting? Yes, I found a place in my city that I will go to. I need all the help I can get.


Why I am doing this?
I have a fear of abandonment. Its happened before like I said & I almost couldn't handle it. I loved her very much. I had no idea of the details of why she wanted to leave. That bothered me. I am a perfectionist & I hate to fail or let other down.

I have felt as if I have let everyone down by having these women want to leave me.
If the situations were about money, yelling, anger, etc...then I could have accepted it a lot easier.
But when it involved infidelity....I fall to pieces. Esp when it deals ,in this case, with obvious sexual references...it hurts the most.

You can talk about your wife with your counselor until you run out of breath.
That doesn't help you sir
Can you commit to going to an AlAnon meeting so you can learn not to be codependent on her this evening?

I know, I know...he can't make her change. I can't either.

I guess in my ideal world, someone can come along (that the WS looks up to) and convince them that what they have done or doing is wrong & hurtful. I know this sounds crazy, b/c it is.

Meetings are next Tuesday. I will go then.
It is a CoDA meeting..just for codependency.
I will commit to going.



I'm sorry I don't remember the other questions that were asked. I really do appreciate all of you talking to me, I really do. Having family & friends is one thing, but when strangers tell me the way it is from an outside view, it really helps.

I'd like to think I am logical & rational. I come from a math & design background (Architect), so one would think I could think a certain way.
But all this has gotten into my head & has crushed me. I can't think straight. I can't solve it the way I solve other problems at work. I can't make her do a thing that she doesn't want to do.


Do I think she has issues? Yes I do. I think what she thinks is norm, most other people would not.
She still contends that what she did was just "inappropriate texting". But I know she is in denial b/c I know the whole story...and that it is much more than that.

Do I want to help her? In some ways I do. I guess thats the codependency. I guess I want to be her Messiah & guide her the way to good. I don't know.

Am I scared to divorce her?
Yes
I am afraid of being alone again...right now. It is crazy I know. But I am not strong yet to do so. I feel that I need to kill her with kindness & then leave eventually without emotional attachment. I guess I need to do what she has done to me.

Will she eventually divorce me? I have no idea what is going on in her head. She has told so many stories & lies, I have no idea what she thinks.

I'm scared of a future that is not reliable. I am scared of having to meet another woman & start over again. I am scared that I won't meet a woman that will want to be with me b/c of what has happened to me.

Well as for your occupation codependency is not a respector of income, race, gender or career.
I am a mechanical contractor and I was codependent on my wife. Another codependent poster is an attorney.
The important thing is not what happens in our lives but how we respond to them.

You are making a POSITIVE step by commiting to going.

He had a hall pass.

And he wasn't screaming at his monitor for Jeff to get the fffffffffff out of there! Or, if he was screaming, it wasn't quite so obvious through his typing. He has a more patient style, perhaps?

I appreciate that very much. I want to see why I do this. I figure out how to stop it.

My supervisor here at work, said that for me, I am similar to those abused wives that go back to their husbands. B/c thats all they know & are familiar with.

I have to say, I am scared of my future. I am an only child. Ive seen my parents get old....they look like my grandparents did when I was a kid.
My biggest fear is to be alone in this world when they are gone. They have helped me so much & supported me thru all my difficult times. It scares me to death to lose them.
And I guess I suppose I need someone, anyone, to be there when I have to face it.

Jeff,

Are you going to continue with D proceedings?

What kind of activities, groups can you get involved for YOU?

No, I am going to hold off on the D proceedings. It made me sick to see an attorney. I couldn't believe it had gotten that far.


I am going to get involved in the codependency group.
I don't know of anything else I could get involved in. any ideas?

How about start to prepare for Plan B? How to Plan B Correctly

Also what kind of things are you interested in? Exercising? New hobbies?

Do you like to read? I think you will find Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders very interesting.

You may want to look at Jennifers thread. She Is also ending her second marriage and is codependent. You may be able to find encouragement from her thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2560348#Post2560348

Well right after I found out about her conversations with this James guy, I confronted her. She just gave me a deer in headlights look. She started into that she wasnt happy, etc. I didnt want to hear any of it. I left.
She texted me a few times & we talked.
The next day I took a UHaul truck & loaded up all my stuff.
I moved into a hotel.

I thought that might have gotten her attention.

We continued to text back & forth. Mainly her telling me that I should not have exposed to her family.

Two weeks later, I see that she had signed up for the dating sites.

Its been about 7 weeks since that DDay. During this time, she was still in contact with this James & her dating site.

Last week we met with a counselor & he told us to not have outside relationships.
Supposedly she called this James & told him that they could no longer talk, hence her email above. I am getting that they must have talked on the phone several times since DDay.

This week, she has been distant some.

Last night we went out to dinner. We came home & I fell asleep on the couch. When I awoke I noticed she was gone. She was in our bed with her phone. She already knows that I have tried to get into her phone.

This phone is the root of all this. It has been the tool that has allowed her to do what she has done. I hate it.
But she will not be transparent with it.
I don't know if she ever would.


Am I preparing for plan B?
Well I guess I initially did that when I moved out. I was so hurt by what I read in her conversations with this guy that I couldnt stand to be there.
Right now I guess I am in Plan A, trying to meet her emotional needs.

Yes I do like exercising & have a few hobbies. They just dont seem interesting right now.

Yes I have Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders too. I have read parts of it.


I'll look at this thread. I dont want to be another statistic.

I think your main priority at this time should be going to a meeting.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and you can be happy and fulfilled irregardless of what she does.

The truth is she is sick also. It's not healthy to desire spending time texting naked pics to people. If she's a sex addict then she can't live without it and that isn't something that changes overnight.

I will go to the meeting.

Yes I do think she has some sort of issue.

I explained to the counselor that before I met her, she had been online dating for awhile. I actually met her from the same dating site she has been using.

The counselor said that since she went back to the same dating site, she has resorted back to what is norm for her.

I explained to him that she used to talk to guys via chat & webcams. I told him that I even saw one email that a guy sent to her that had pics of his privates.

Yes, I think she has been caught up in a fantasy. She likes to read novels about fantasy. She has stuff like 50 shades of grey, Vampire romance novels, fantasy romance novels, etc. They all have these passionate descriptions of sex in them. I know that is something she desires in her life.
I think thats why she was so quick to talk cybersex with a few of these guys. And why she sent pics of her in lingerie & pics of her privates. As far as I know, she only sent the pics of her privates to one guy (me).

Ok, so you know that she's not going to change her behavior. Soooo, what now?


Why?

When I talked to the counselor, we talked about her being transparent. That she doesn't know that we know everything else that she has done.
He said that he would bring up transparency with her. I am hope full that she will.

I'm in plan A, because I didn't start off with it. I guess I want to give it a chance.
At DDay, I just left. I couldn't handle what I was reading in this conversation she & this guy had been having for 2 months, so I left.

I also think me doing a plan A, that I can live without any guilt. That I did everything possible to save us.

So you're back at home?

She is continuing to contact all the OM while you're there?

What part of the stick of Plan A are you implementing?

Yes I am back home. She is there too. We sleep in the same bed. We kiss & hug for now. We have gone shopping, played a board game, laughed a lot, etc.


No, as far as I know she has stopped contact with the Other Guy.
The reason I say this is her email to him above. She must have called him the morning after our counselor appointment & explained to him that could no longer be in contact.

But, what I see as deceptive, is that she forwarded this email to another email account. She states in her email to him that she will check up on him every once in a while.


For Plan A, I am trying to meet her emotional needs...conversation & affection. I talk to her as much as she will let me. I give her hugs. I might try to get her some flowers today. We are going to Atlanta this weekend to spend time together & look for places to live in the future.