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I would like to take time to say a few things about my ONS. Even after 28 years, I still am not completely sure why it happened or if I did the right thing afterwards. It was done and over so quickly and I was back in the real world of my mid-west lifestyle, so fast, that I didn't have time to process it , completely. I came back from my trip with every intention of spilling the whole thing to my wife. I was scared of the fallout from my stupidity, so I confessed to my Minister, and asked his advice. He said that if I repented of it (which I did)and was sure that there would be no repeat (which there wasn't)that I should not tell her about it and ruin my marriage, but use the guilt and memory of it as a motivator. Your minister? That was terrible advice - to lie to your wife. Very possibly you are right, but at the time it seemed like good advice to me. It was a lie of omission, and as we have seen many times, Preachers and priests, do this constantly.
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[quote=FarmerBob]I hope that I've answered most of your questions, but now I've got to go make some money. I will come back this afternoon, later . BTW, while I'm perfectly willing to discuss my personal situation, openly and honestly, I will NOT discuss my ex-wife's issues and behavior, as I don't think it is my place to do so.
Well if you refuse to talk about these issues how can anyone offer you advice?
Everyone has suggested you dump the slut girlfriend.
Why not discuss your lifelong marriage and see if you could build it into a wonderful marriage?
Marriage isnt a thing that works or doesnt work.
You say it died a natural death. Sounds like it died of neglect and possibly because neither of you had the tools to make it work.
If you had the tools to make it work would you? No, I would not. My relationship with my ex-wife is better now than it has been for 10 years. If I had known about DR. Harley back then, maybe I would have suggested it to her, but in all likelihood she would have refused.
Last edited by FarmerBob; 09/07/12 02:52 PM.
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Well if you refuse to talk about these issues how can anyone offer you advice?
Everyone has suggested you dump the slut girlfriend.
Why not discuss your lifelong marriage and see if you could build it into a wonderful marriage?
Marriage isnt a thing that works or doesnt work.
You say it died a natural death. Sounds like it died of neglect and possibly because neither of you had the tools to make it work.
If you had the tools to make it work would you? HBW, it seems like FarmerBob has been thoroughly influenced by the cancers in our culture. But life isn't a Judd Apatow movie where a man's success is measured by how crazy in bed his girlfriend of the week is, and it's not a Disney movie where wanna-be lovers buy outrageously expensive gifts. Unfortunately it seems the people in his life, like his minister, have been giving him horrible advice. "Thou shalt not lie" would seem like Seminary 101 to me; I've never heard "Thou shalt not say something that might hurt another person's feelings, even if they have a right to know and they'll eventually find out anyway" in theology class. It takes a bit of effort to convince a man that a life spent chasing crazy girlfriends, one-night-stands, and bizarre lifestyles like swinging is not the happiest, best way to spend one's life. Sorry, I have no idea who Judd Apatow is, and have never heard that name in my life. As far as your last paragraph, I hope you don't mean me. I have had exactly (1) ons in 60 years of life. I am hardly a bizarre, sex-crazed, hedonist.
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Bob,
Let me guess about the demise of your marriage. You didn't talk much to your wife and weren't particularly affectionate and she wasn't interested in doing fun recreational things with you and she thought sex was a chore.
Maybe you each demanded the other do some things, were a little bit disrespectful, had some arguments. Perhaps,each of you operated a bit independently, and did some things that were annoying to the other person. We already know that you were a liar in the marriage.
Am I close?
AM Not even in the ball park. Our marriage and family life was great!! Our kids grew up to be successful, we talked all of the time and until about 5 years before the divorce, I would have called our marriage perfect in every way. My ex-wife would agree with me. My wife even told my GF that she was getting the "best man in Indiana", so I feel that I'm on solid ground for saying so. Mind you, this was AFTER I told my wife about the ons. I may not be a saint, but I've done my best.
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BTW, I've told my ex-wife about this site and she has looked at this thread, and agrees with all I've said about our marriage, but she agrees with those posters who have advised me to end my relationship with my GF. She feels that the swinging aspect isn't as relevant as the cheating. She knows and likes my gf, but is appalled at her conduct.
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BTW, I've told my ex-wife about this site and she has looked at this thread, and agrees with all I've said about our marriage, but she agrees with those posters who have advised me to end my relationship with my GF. She feels that the swinging aspect isn't as relevant as the cheating. She knows and likes my gf, but is appalled at her conduct. So did you end it?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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She asked me to come over tonight and tell me her plans to "prove", herself. I won't tell her goodbye without I give her a fair hearing. I cheated, so I won't condemn her without that chance. I will talk later.
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She asked me to come over tonight and tell me her plans to "prove", herself. I won't tell her goodbye without I give her a fair hearing. I cheated, so I won't condemn her without that chance. I will talk later. Watch for actions not just words. Keep the bar high. I think your XW told you excellent advice. Please remember that.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I am very curious. Why do people with a great marriage and family life get divorced?
I am guessing girlfriend will prove herself by an immediate offer of great sex. You have noted before that she has the mechanics down and has plenty of experience.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Bob,
You are not telling the truth about something.
You describe your marriage as a death o a thousand wounds and then say that your wife thinks you are the best husband in the state and that you believed you had a great marriage.
I asked if you are willing to apply Dr Harleys methods to your marriage and you answered No.
I think you are more of a wayward than you will admit to.
If you are only interested in salvaging your relationship with your swinger girlfriend I don't know how anyone can help you.
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FarmerBob, your best chance for happiness is to turn your lunch meetings with your XW into dates.
I would start doing everything you can to win her back. It's quite literally your best option. Although I would certainly understand if your XW has no interest whatsoever. Not going to happen,Qoheleth. Our relationship is 1,000% better than it was during the last 5 years of our marriage. Our respect and friendship for each other is too important to jeopardize it by trying to regain something that died a natural death. Natural death? Gardens need work, watering, prunning, fertilizing, weeding, etc. You neglected your marriage.
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Sorry, I have no idea who Judd Apatow is, and have never heard that name in my life. As far as your last paragraph, I hope you don't mean me. I have had exactly (1) ons in 60 years of life. I am hardly a bizarre, sex-crazed, hedonist. You mentioned how your girlfriend is worth keeping around because she tries new sex positions with you, and you mentioned this on a public Internet forum. I cannot think of something less important in my own marriage than sex positions. Maybe about as relevant as the colours of our sets of towels. Good sex is an awful, awful reason to stay in a relationship.
Last edited by Qoheleth; 09/07/12 10:00 PM. Reason: Misquote
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
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Anyone else smell something fishy here?
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
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Anyone else smell something fishy here? Uh, no. Not me. 
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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She asked me to come over tonight and tell me her plans to "prove", herself. I won't tell her goodbye without I give her a fair hearing. I cheated, so I won't condemn her without that chance. I will talk later. Watch for actions not just words. Keep the bar high. I think your XW told you excellent advice. Please remember that. I will, don't worry
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I am very curious. Why do people with a great marriage and family life get divorced?
I am guessing girlfriend will prove herself by an immediate offer of great sex. You have noted before that she has the mechanics down and has plenty of experience.
AM No doubt she is a past master, but I'm not going to do anything.
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Bob,
You are not telling the truth about something.
You describe your marriage as a death o a thousand wounds and then say that your wife thinks you are the best husband in the state and that you believed you had a great marriage.
I asked if you are willing to apply Dr Harleys methods to your marriage and you answered No.
I think you are more of a wayward than you will admit to.
If you are only interested in salvaging your relationship with your swinger girlfriend I don't know how anyone can help you. HDW, You misunderstand. My marriage is over. IF I had known about the Harley procedures, when I was still married, I would most likely have tried them, but my ex-wife would most likely have refused to do so
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I did not meet her tonight, as I was too tired to get into a long discussion.
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Bob,
You are not telling the truth about something.
You describe your marriage as a death o a thousand wounds and then say that your wife thinks you are the best husband in the state and that you believed you had a great marriage.
I asked if you are willing to apply Dr Harleys methods to your marriage and you answered No.
I think you are more of a wayward than you will admit to.
If you are only interested in salvaging your relationship with your swinger girlfriend I don't know how anyone can help you. HDW, I will only say this. I was not the one who first brought up the subject of divorce.
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FarmerBob, your best chance for happiness is to turn your lunch meetings with your XW into dates.
I would start doing everything you can to win her back. It's quite literally your best option. Although I would certainly understand if your XW has no interest whatsoever. Not going to happen,Qoheleth. Our relationship is 1,000% better than it was during the last 5 years of our marriage. Our respect and friendship for each other is too important to jeopardize it by trying to regain something that died a natural death. Natural death? Gardens need work, watering, prunning, fertilizing, weeding, etc. You neglected your marriage. You are presuming. I never neglected anything. I had one ONS but that had nothing to do with my divorce.
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