You seem fixated on the sex part, I also told of the other positive aspects of our relationship, but you ignore them, why?

You and Viper can believe what you want, project what you want, and imagine what you want, there is nothing I can do about that.

Armymama, because I had a ONS 28 years ago, it is presumed that I was responsible for my divorce. There were two people in this marriage. I had a ONS, that's true, but the other person had even more serious issues and failings than mine. I am getting very frustrated by this. If I were to tell all, perhaps I would get a little less criticism, and a little more help? I am being attacked , and my morals , actions , honesty, questioned in a rude and unfair manner. Perhaps I will stick to studying DR. Harley's concepts and procedures, and leave the forum part alone, as it's not helping. A few have offered me some good advice and I wish it were more.

The Road, I would give anything and everything I own or will ever own, to get back the feelings and love my wife and I had at the beginning of our marriage. When we started out, we turned an upstairs storeroom into an appartment, slept on a mattress and box springs on the floor, we had no TV, no dining room table , and budgetted $25.00 a week for food. Our total furnishings were one dresser, one radio,one card table and two cheap lawn chairs. Every spare penny went into the business. We were the happiest two people in Indiana. If life were like a fairy tale, I wouldn't be on MB now. "Things fall apart, nothing remains the same".

So because your spouse was a failure at many things that made it okay to have a ONS?

Bob,

Of course, it takes two people in a marriage. When I asked the question about why your marriage failed, I used Dr. Harley's and MB principles. The top/critical emotional needs for MOST men are recreational companionship and sex. The top/critical emotional needs for MOST women are conversation and affection. Dr. Harley talks about lovebusters as being selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, independent behavior, annoying habits, and dishonesty. The only ones of these I saw anywhere on your thread were the independent behavior (a ONS or affair is the epitome of independent behavior) and dishonesty (lying about it for 28 years). Take a look at two of Dr. Harley's books, "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters".

When I asked if there were emotional needs not met or the most common lovebusters in your marriage, you responded that your family and marriage were great. And you talk very fondly about your early marriage. So, I have to conclude that something went very wrong and wonder how that fits into marriagebuilder's principles. You seem to have friendly feelings towards your wife now. Did your wife have affairs? Obviously, I am just guessing because you haven't really described what went wrong.

Finally, I fall into the camp that this girlfriend is toxic to you. You seem like a much nicer person than she is and I think you should sever personal/business ties with her.

AM

Farmer Bob has been criticized for his attraction to this gf because of the money and sex. Um, sounds a lot like a little thing called Emotional Needs to me, namely FS and SF, only I don't think he knows enough about the program yet to identify them as such.

When somebody has a top EN being met it is very powerful, so I don't think it is fair to brow beat FB for that.

Unwritten, he has also mentioned that she is a very good looking woman, so PA is also being met by her.

Farm, is O&H not a top EN for you? This is the assumption I am making due to the fact that you have found out that your GF has been lying to you for your entire relationship, and yet you haven't decided to cut her out of your life.

Also, the fact that you diminish the impact that your ONS had on your marriage is appalling. You lied to your wife for YEARS, and you would have remained a wayward through and through. It could be that many of the justifications that you are speaking about are stemming from a wayward mentality that you never quite let go of.

You didn't "cheat" on your wife. You committed ADULTERY. What you did to your wife was much worse than what your GF has done to you, although I am certain it doesn't seem that way to you.

If you read more of DrH's information, you will see that your best chance at happiness is actually to go back to your ExW and try again. If you were to use MB principles, you could have a mutually fulfilling marriage that would put your old marriage to shame.

How long did you date your ExW before you two were married? Did you live together before marriage? How old are your children? Were either of you married before? How many people did you date prior to dating your ExW?

Bob.
You and your wife could both have the same feelings you did when you first met if you follow MB Program.

I'm unclear on something.

Does FarmerBob want to be married?

We aren't equipped here to give good advice on how to have successful living-with-girlfriend relationships.

I can say for a fact this girlfriend of FarmerBob's is absolutely unequivocally not the woman whose finger he should slip an engagement ring on.

So, what exactly are we here to discuss?

It seems some are interested in helping FarmerBob reconnect with his ex-wife. Understandable. However, I would suggest that FarmerBob still does not recognize the gravity of his infidelity to his wife and therefore it is in the ex-wife's best interests to let go of that thought. After all, this is a woman who spent - what - over 2 decades not knowing?

Not fair to her.

I noticed that he blames the problems in his marriage on his XBW, and emphasised that it was her idea to divorce.

I'm really curious what the real story is.

By the way, is anyone else weary of hearing the phrase "soul mate"? It seems to mean no more than "Person who is meeting most of my ENs right now."

Here.
Soul Mate Shmoopies

The utter amusement I'm experiencing watching these videos is making up for the time I've wasted on this thread.

It seems we scared off FarmerBob, who is off busy reading Dr Harley's books. Would that every thread could be such a success.

Man what happened to this place? It use to be so full of nice people.first I don't think fb is downplaying anything about what he did in his ex marriage.its just over and they both moved on.He isn't asking anyone's advise on that.second,for some sex is important,so why bash him cause it is for him.Third why do u all keep saying he is lying or something is fishy.If he wanted to lie he could of said he was married to this women.and made up a whopper!! Sorry to you bob that you have reached out and people have been rude to you

This forum is called "Surviving an affair", under "Marriage builders". The only marriage here to build is the one with his ex-wife he cheated on, and which eventually ended in divorce, and he doesn't want to talk about that. A girlfriend cheating on her boyfriend with another unmarried man is not an affair.

There are other forums here for talking about dating before marriage and how to turn a dating relationship into a good marriage.

Dr Harley documents sex as being quite important, and even notes that for many men, it's they're #1 emotional need, and often physical attractiveness is #2.

The mistake here is assuming a girlfriend who meets your top emotional needs perfectly is a good fit. She is meeting ENs, but she is also engaging in lovebusters. Anyone can meet ENs. Not lovebusting is hard.

I understand all this!I have read all the books.But he has not.So instead of being rude to him couldn't someone directed him where to go to get help.All I can say if I had a problem and read this thread.there is no way in heck I would ask for help.I would be scared to death.And we know how it is when your heart is broke!And you admit defeat and reach out for help.Do we really want a forum that people are scared to be honest and reach out.You acted happy that you ran him off........not good

Welcome to MB.

There have been a few posters on this thread that have tried to help him see how his GF failed the relationship interview.

Do you think it's healthy advice to direct him to stay in this relationship?

I am just saying this site and Dr Harleys books saved my marriage.Wouldn't it been a shame if I had been scared away before I learned everything I did.Because reading these books married or not will help you. And I don't care if ur married or not cheating is an affair.And if u love someone hurts just the same!!!

Instead of directing your comments at the posters on this thread, why not take your own advice and actually ADVISE the OP. If you know about MB, then tell him where he should look to help with the situation he is asking about.