Oops I meant living together.

Farmer,

So sorry you got your heart ripped out. It's crushing when your dream comes true only to turn out to be too good to be true.

Surely you can understand why people are curious about your marriage and what happened there? I for one don't see you as dishonest but perhaps evasive. The only thing I can come up with is maybe your wife is gay or something. Who knows and it doesn't really matter to me.

What matters is that you have a lot of healing to do on yourself after this betrayal and all the rest. In my experience, with no legal marriage, you might find you DON'T WANT to reconcile in a few weeks or months.

Why? Because when you look at this lady, you're going to feel revulsion. And I mean a very physical revulsion. The kind where your stomach drops and you feel sick when you look at her. It takes time to sink in but it happens. A lot.

If you were legally hitched, it would be harder to untangle. But you're not and in the end you might just be glad about that.

Peace to you.

FarmerBob,

No insult intended--sorry for calling you FarmerBoy by accident. One of my favourite books growing up were Laura Ingalls' Wilder's series, one of which was called "Farmer Boy".

Though you are not married, you were betrayed by someone you love.
She hid the fact that she was not monogamous with you and you believed she was.

It will hurt to dump her but she already destroyed any chance of the type of future with her you would want. Destroyed it by misleading you.

Though you still love her, she is not a good potential mate.

She blew the interview (as Dr. H might say).

Zibbles, you are a real good guesser. How You thought of that with my evasiveness, I can't say. You need to be on a game show. LOL

Funny thing is, that I'm much more revulsed by the swinging, than I am by her FWB with Dallas Guy. I mean that there are many, many People who's WW/WH had more sexual encounters while cheating, than my GF, if what she says is true. But the thoughts of her " entertaining", multiple partners, during her swinging marriage, makes me gag.

I'm equally repulsed by long affairs, one-night stands, and swinging.

Sorry to hear your wife bats for the other team, FB. I wouldn't call the marriage beyond saving, though, unless she's already in an active relationship with someone else. Chances are her preferences aren't strictly one or the other.

Q, My wife's choices are her own, I won't comment on this subject, except to reinterate what I said in the beginning. Because we are divorced , our relationship is much better than it was. All things considered, who's to say that my choice's were any better, since our D. This will be my last post, because I've reached a decision about my GF. I've come to realize that what she was doing was trying to buy respectability, by being with me. If anything, I am eminently respectable. Because of the rumors (and substance) of her wild lifestyle, she isn't able to progress in her career, or socially, so she thought that being married to somebody like me would advance the cause, so to speak. At least this is what my opinion of her actions are. She is quite willing to give up the FWB, and reject her past, because as she grows older these things assume less importance than a good, moral public image. It hurts realy bad to realize that I was being used as a tool, but such seems to be the case. We talked face to face, this evening, and she promised me everything and then some, for a second chance. But how would she prove that it's me she loves and not the respectability of being Mrs. FarmerBob? So I told her that we were finished. She took it hard, but I have no doubt that she will recover and try to find another guy to snow. She wept and told me that there will never be another man, but I don't believe it.

Thanks to all of you for your help and acting as a sounding board for my thoughts. Best wishes to all.

FarmerBob,

Glad to hear you are making what I think is the right decision.

I hope you find love and a healthy relationship!

Good for you for doing that. It was probably very hard, but you can do better. You deserve better than someone who's in all likelihood just using you.

.

Good luck to you friend. I think you have made a very sound decision. There are many more women out there who do a good job of meeting your needs and who lives a respectible lifestyle.

You came here a FarmerBoy.

You have left here a FarmerMan.

TR that is funny stuff.

I think it was a good call on your cheating gf FarmerMan, good luck finding what you are looking for.

FarmerBob,

Don't forget that Dr. Harley has a lot of articles on this site for dealing with dating/post-divorce. It will help you avoid people like her in the future.

Best of luck finding a woman who is worthy of you FB! I wish you'd stick around here at least so we'd know you finally found her.

It must really stink to be in a long-term marriage and then find out that your spouse was gay all along. Taking a beating by following that up with this now ex-gf who lives on the "Don't you want me? Aren't I the greatest?" stage can�t feel so good either.

I doubt the ex-gf is/was able to love you much regardless of apperances. She looks like a low self-esteem ego-builder to me. I've known the kind of woman you describe three times that I remember. Growing up, one was loved as Daddy's Pretty Little Girl, then beaten for getting fat as a teenager. The other two were loved as Daddy's Naked Little Girl. All three defended the monsters posing as fathers. All three thought they were gifts to men and set out to prove that. All three felt kind of sorry for what they considered to be �lesser women� who were not the most fantastic sexual beings from Venus that all men wanted . . . and all men could have as long as the schedule worked out. Something about their attitudes did attract a great deal of men; only one was a knock-out looker.

I will return from time to time, to see whats going on and maybe give updates on my quest for the perfect woman. LOL. By the Way, I got a call from my lawyer about an hour ago. It seems that she signed over the deed to our building, to me, gratis. She lost her $50,000 investment, by doing so. IDK what she is trying to do? Is this some kind of last-ditch attempt to win me back? Why would it be that important to her? There are plenty of men who would jump at the chance to be with her, so why me? Just when I think I've got a handle on the situation, she changes the ballgame. Last night she showed me a picture of us in Jamaica, windsurfing. She said that other than the birth of her daughter, this was the happiest time of her life. She is really pulling out the big guns.

Bob it's fairly obvious what she is trying to do. She's incapable of POJA and she doesnt like herself. She thinks that she has to buy everybody, because she isnt good enough. She gives, gives, gives instead of POJAing a realistic or fair solution.

You need someone with a little more self-esteem, their own mind and someone capable of POJA. Are you familiar with the Policy of Joint Agreement?

This is the first red flag she ever gave you that she was an absolute fraud.

NO ONE does absolutely everything they are told to do. That's a fantasy. It's not real.

She was nodding and smiling to your face - and doing whatever the hell she wanted to behind your back. It's a short term solution to her happiness and typical of how freeloaders act.

Even if there had been no cheating. Someone so blindly obedient is being dishonest about what THEY want. Which will sometimes be in dispute with what what you want.

This is someone who refuses to be honest, refuses to POJA.

People who POJA are honest, speak up and say: "Actually, that doesnt really work for me".

Joyce and Dr Harley say they have numerous disputes a day. They are settled quickly using POJA and often results in a much wiser solution than what either wanted to do intitially.

I think this could get you a great relationship.

Dr Harleys articles on dating and on how to spot a buyer as opposed to a freeloader or renter are also really good.

There's lots of lovely women out there!