I posted this in the wrong forum... Need some advice I am not sure what to do now.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=167178&Number=2660777#Post2660777

Go into Plan B. That is the right advice.

I have been in Plan B since Wednesday. Wednesday was hard. He texted to say he will give me a "few days" before contacting me. I did not respond. I did not say give me a few days. I said until the ow is no longer a part of your life I do not want any part of this marriage and do not wish any further communications from you. When I did not respond, he texted later to say that he understands I need a few days break from him and that he is staying at his mom's. Before this he was denying denying denying he stays at OW home. I told him I knew he lived there. He said ONE night a week MAYBE he stays there. I just closed off and refused to speak anymore. That was the first admission of sorts. But still too little too late and obviously he is not listening to what I said if he thinks in a "few days" this will blow over. Thursday was easier. I never even checked to see if I missed any calls/texts. He did not contact me. And today is easier. I keep thinking wow, it's so peaceful after only a few days. I don't feel as twisted and confused as I did before. I had already adjusted to life without him and didn't think not speaking or contacting would be so easy so soon. Am I deluding myself? Is this going to get harder at some point? I am thinking I do not want to rehash all the lies he's told me which he just continues to tell me. I think when he was telling me that he loves/misses/ thinks about me but if things had not gotten bad and he didn't make the mistakes he made he never would have gotten feelings for someone else and we should have gotten help sooner when we went to MC it was too late. It wasn't. He was ready, we were doing great until SHE broke NC. Then it was on again. He WAS trying. But he says he really wasn't. I am at the point that I just want to get on with my life. Preferably with him but I can do this without him now. I just couldn't take all the pain and crying. I don't feel that way now.

I do not want to hear from him now. I feel panicked at the thought of OMG what if he calls... yeah, don't pick up...

Now I am trying to figure out what I want to do.

He shouldn't be able to contact you except through a independent mediary. Pick a family member that has your back and have them tell him that he cannot contact you anymore until all of your conditions have been met. Prior to doing that, change your phone number and your e-mail. This is an absolute priority for your own protection.

x2

have any pertinent info filtered through a third party via e-mail, etc. Change your cell phone number, etc. THEN, he will realize you are serious. What better way to show it then for him to get the message "sorry, the party you are trying to reach is no longer available"?

Loki, did you give him a Plan B letter?

Plan B Letter

Yes I did. I told him how much this marriage had meant to me. How difficult the situation was. How I was feeling there was nothing more I could do but walk away in order to protect myself now and to not end up hating him down the line for all the crap he's been pulling on me and saying to me that has been dragging me and our marriage through hell. I did not say me or her. I said No me at all if there is her, no negotiating on this. No seeing me, speaking to me, etc. We really have no reason to be in touch honestly. So I don't have an IM. We have no children. I've already cut off all his financial stuff. I took his keys and changed the locks.

Does he know that you would consider reconciling if he ends all contact with OW and commot to a recovery plan?

If you need an IM, I would be happy to help you out.

Yes he knows this. But he's playing the "i just can't get rid of her I have feelings for her" game. Ok. Then go be with her and leave me alone.

Are you going into Plan B?

Do you have an IM? Did you see RQ offered to be an IM for you?

So far his Mom. We really have no reason to be in touch now. So I just ignore him. If it comes to me filing paperwork then he can talk to the lawyer.

So he kept trying to reach me til he did. He had an angry attitude. Said he moved out of OW house and back in with his mom. He hates sleeping on the dog hair covered couch. He did not want to hear my "sh*t" about him living with her, he denied denied denied... but is just so angry at me. I told him not to do this again. ALL communication goes through his mom or I disconnect my phone and NO ONE can contact me. I am not sure I believe him. I am sure he's mad as hell and it seems at me. Be kept begging me to pick up the phone and I kept ignoring him. When he finally got me it was all my fault. LMFAO. They really do blame everyone else don't they? See... I have NO right to be suspicious or not to trust him and now that I am he may need to rethink moving out of her house - --- if he even really did which I am skeptical of. Not enough. Maybe too late. Now he needs to rethink this in light of MY hostility... YOU cheated on me and blamed me and made me feel horrible for the state of our marriage until I found out about the affair, then you blamed me that it happened at all... now you will move back in with her if I continue being angry at lies, deception, manipulation etc... hahaha... the nerve huh? How dare I be mad? HA HA HA... I think he was planning a false reconcilition to buy himself more time and is pissed I did not fall for it.

So pretty much he harassed you until you finally gave in just so he can say "poor me, Loki. Look what you have gone and done to me! This is all YOUR fault because you wouldn't let me have my cake and eat it too!"

I'm glad you didn't fall for it. Now change your number. If there is no reason to communicate with him that don't give him that outlet. An IM can handle anything of importance and will block his anger and manipulation from you. Doesn't a blissful WH-free universe sound nice?

Later tonight I am going to tell this whole story. I am so glad I found all of you. I would have thought I'd lost my mind. And a few times I've even panicked thinking I would lose him. But it's all headgames and gaslighting. I love you all you have no idea!!

Loki, we have been there. I thought the same and realized the same as you, the head games that were being played. I thank god for this forum that saved my marriage and my sanity.
You can't control what he does but you can control keeping yourself from having to deal with it, kwim?

~RQ

I haven't been feeling well... think I have a cold. I will get to the story as soon as I can. Long day at work.

I am stunned at how many of these people say the same things. They all seem to have lost their minds. I have even repeated back to him things he has said seconds after he's said it just to see if he can hear the insanity and either he accuses me of "not getting it" or twisting it or he will say he never said it.

If you don't want me, then leave me. I am a big girl. It's the games and lies and the nonsense that makes it almost impossible to forgive sometimes. For example, had we broken up and he moved in with her then that's like ya know? sure it would hurt but this way was degrading. Calling me his wife. Telling me to wait because he loves me and we still have a chance maybe while everyone else AND the OW know he's living as HER husband now and making a public fool out of me. And then denying it.

I do see his admission as a step in the right direction but he is a long way from reconciliation or getting me to listen to the BS right now.

I meant that's LIFE ya know lol...

Make sure you are eating and sleepin enough. The "infidelity diet" is rough on the immune system.

You said you had exposed to everyone, right? There is no one left still that could make him accountable for his behavior?

At first everyone was on his case about it. But he said he didn't care he was in love and no one else's opinions matter. So eventually they stopped and left him alone. Just before I sent the letter his mom was telling me he lived with OW and not with her. It's what prompted me to say screw this and cut him off. She also said she told him that he needs to just leave me alone to get on with my life now and file for divorce. I am wondering if she is on my side or not. She said it's his decision and no one can make it for him etc. So even if I asked her if he lives there, I don't know if she would lie for him or tell me the truth. Today he texted me that he really does live with her. I don't ask. And I don't comment when he says that,I don't know if I believe him and am too tired now to care sometimes lol... I love him but I can't save this alone. And now that the drama has died down and people are accepting I am not "the wife" and he's with OW now my life is more sane... however he seems to be panicking at times which makes me wonder if it was all about the drama for him and doing what everyone said not to.

I am ready to let go. I do love him but this just seems like a battle I will never win. It's been over a year now and he gets in deeper and deeper. The only interesting change is his insistence that he moved out. I am skeptical but friends I have (well, I guess frenemies I have lol) are also friends with OW and they never contact me. He supposedly moved out last Monday... the calls from these frenemies of mine began on Wed. I have not called them back. This is HIS drama not mine. I wonder if OW is looking to see if he's back with me or not.... I don't know if something happened to make him leave... if it was me putting my foot down.. if her true colors finally came out... if he realizes this is it now... or if he is lying. I will not ask his mom. I don't even want to give him the satisfaction of my curiosity.

Every day of silence it's easier. See.. what I think he didn't anticipate was that while he was playing house and pretending I didn't exist. I was not sitting around crying anymore. I was getting my hair done... I was losing weight... I was making new friends... I was going out.. and the more I occupied myself the less I thought of him. I saw him at the end of July or early Aug and he was floored by my changes and even asked why I was so happy... REALLY? Cause I am supposed to just fall apart and stay put until HE decides I should be happy? Like I keep saying... their nerve and crazy thinking amazes me.