Thanks for all your efforts on my thread to help me. I know your heart is for me.

I'm afraid at this point that you may not have a good understanding of who he is and have definitely ruffled him. He is very docile but if you poke the bear, he will emerge!

Please stay respectful of him when you are posting to me. I love him very, very much, and I do believe he wants a healthy marriage.

I understand where you are coming from, and I can assure you that I'm very capable of stepping in to protect myself and my children if needed.

Ship did mention this morning that things are better than they have been, and that is true. He would like recognition for the things he has done to improve. I can understand that.

Things used to be much, much worse on both of our parts. We are on the right path now I hope.

Anointed, this quote reminds me of you, a jar of sweet water:

"If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love. For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted." ~ Amy Carmichael, Missionary to India

Wow Zhamila. How kind of you.

It's my goal to be loving, but I've obviously failed many times or Ship would not feel attacked and disrespected.

I'm doing my best and trying very hard to look honestly at myself. That way, no matter the marital outcome, I can be proud of the person I have become.

We are doing okay so far. I met his need for SF 3 times last week which almost hit the 4-6X mark. Yesterday he played a song from our childhood together and danced with me. It made me cry because it is exactly what I need to feel connected for SF.

We talked about other long term marriages around us and they have either broken up after 25+ years or are currently unhappy. We have never been close with any couple who has a mutually fulfilling and respectful relationship. Part of that is because we have not reached out to be close with many people, and part of it is because there are so few good marriages around us.

I didn't know what it looked like....until now. And I feel so empowered...like I finally have tools in my hands.

Ship also spent some time yesterday looking for jobs online. We discussed how much of a commute would be acceptable for the two of us and just how much money he would need to make for a job change to be feasible.

I liked it. It gave me hope.

Is he still mad at us??

Haha. No, I don't think so.

He just doesn't like doing social media at all. He does not value the forum like I do...yet.

I appreciate that he is doing it for me and there are many of Dr. H's principles that he agrees with. He has stated where he disagrees.

I hope he continues to post and will be as honest as he has been. He doesn't like to paint me in a bad light, but I'd rather it be the ugly truth so we can get help.

Thanks for dropping in ML. I was hoping you would, and I hope you'll stick around.

On the contrary, sir, your whole point is that you believe Anointed should feel different, that the things she has identified as being problems for her should not be problems for her.

That is the attitude that destroys marriages.

If your goal is to make Anointed miserable and continue to hate you, then continue the course of saying things like "It's not a problem for me, so it should not be a problem for you." This kind of argument isn't even logical: who ever heard of two people who felt the same about everything?

Anointed...I just posted today 'cause you were up to 666 replies!

I couldn't let that linger....so I had to add one & get rid of the "mark of the beast."

Anyhoo...I hope today brings you the peace and love you DESERVE.

Thanks guys.

What a busy week! How is it Thursday?

Ship has been looking for jobs in the evening, and I've been working out with him. I have only met SF 1X this week so far.

Not good.

Just tired when 10pm hits usually, but tonight I'm the night owl working on our bills.

Come on new job!!!

Ship is asking me more questions: "Could you?" "would you be okay with?" etc. That's nice.

We have been working out together again and I got to talk with him last night while he lifted weights and I went very light. I liked it. Don't know if it annoys him when I chat since he likes to be focused.

Other than that, we are still treading water. I hope once he finds a job we can make a plan to spend UA time. Right now, I'd rather he focus on applying to every possible position so we can relieve financial pressure.

Oh, and I'm almost positive that he hasn't been on MB since he's been working and looking for jobs in the evening.

If you are reading this post, I'm sure you will be as frustrated with us as I am.

Things are not better from my standpoint. We still are not scheduling UA time even though I've put it on the calendar with a reminder that comes to our phones for us to sit down and do it. Neither one of us took the time to do it.

I partially don't want to do it because I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him along behind me. If he believes we need 15+ hrs UA, won't he be enthusiastic about scheduling it? He doesn't seem to be.

To be fair, he is working lots of overtime, still working a part time job on the side, and looking for jobs if he is not helping me with small projects upstairs getting things moved around for the new baby.

I try to keep my complaints to myself until he finds a job because it is imperative that he does. I've even been checking into doing some work myself to ease the load til he finds something...if you know our past, you will see that we must be in NEED for me to be wiling to do that.

To me, we have not made progress since before his family came for their vacations in late July. That's almost 2 months of me being in a psuedo-withdrawal. There have been some sweet times, but not enough to maintain the level of intimacy needed.

As you know, he has not been on MB either but I'm guessing he would say he is too overwhelmed with things to do at the moment.

The main problem is my feeling lack of care. I'm sure he feels that he is being caring but he is not meeting my needs effectively (obviously with lack of UA time).

Main problems as of now:
1) no UA time
2) JOB situation
3) Ship's family- When we discuss my feelings about them, I rarely feel heard. He doesn't validate me well. I tell him I'm uncomfortable with their lack of boundaries and that I feel they are inconsiderate towards me. He tells me he is not bothered. How does that help me? This has been 14 years of me being frustrated with their treatment of me, then me going back in forth in my head trying to figure out if I'm wrong or crazy to feel that way. It wasn't til I understood more of MB that I had tools to say, "THAT bothers me because it is a (DJ, SD, etc.)"
4) I'm considering using a doula at the birth of our 4th child because Ship has not shown me he is good at listening to my concerns, and I need an advocate in the room to assist me in my first natural birth. He thinks it is "weird."

Just venting I suppose. I already know if we did UA time, things would get better. I just don't know how to make that happen with Ship feeling overwhelmed. I don't like feeling like an anchor.

This happened last night and I guess I need perspective:

I lead worship for church and was on my feet for about 3.5 hrs (7 months pregnant). When I finished, the dinner they served was already picked up, so I hadn't eaten dinner at 8pm. I decided to go ahead and attend the last 30 minutes of the bible study we go to together.

Ship knew I was coming late. He also knew when I was headed that direction bc I had texted him. He answered that they were watching video. When I got there I found the front door was locked (not sure why they do this), and I texted to ask him to open the door. The was the exchange:

Me: Can you open front door?
<No answer>
Me: ?
<No answer>
Me: Baby?
Ship: No
Me: (thinking he was joking) Hurry
Me: My bootie hurts (pregnancy pains)
<No answer>
Me: Are you coming? I'm at the door!
Ship: No
Me: What???? You seriously aren't? Why?
Ship: Stop it, wait!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I've been waiting for 7 minutes.

I didn't realize that he was in a dark room and each text I sent was interrupting the class by turning his phone on. He had texted me before and didn't mention this. If you notice he did not explaining in his texts. The "No"s were hurtful to me.

Here I am, his very pregnant wife, locked just outside the door, hungry, feet killing me, and all he says is No. I felt very unimportant and disrespected. I waited 10 minutes just outside the door and thought maybe I should just leave. I felt so dejected at the thought. I tried to think of reasons he might respond this way, and all I could do was try to imagine how Ship would respond if it were him waiting for me outside. I wouldn't have let him wait because, frankly, I think he would have been very impatient and rude to me if I had done what he did. (DJ, I know).

He was mad at me for persistently sending texts and interrupting. I didn't know I was interrupting. I didn't know he was in the dark. He was texting me before...If he had been a little more descriptive in his text, I probably would have just left with the knowledge he couldn't come right then. (He was squeezed in the middle of the back row, in the dark, blocked by a lady with her leg up.)

It just hurt my feelings. Add this to the lack of care posted previously, and it just makes me feel awful.

Oh, and I am most definitely in withdrawal since I seem to be avoiding again. SF has not occured in over a week.

I've just read a little of your thread.
But I wanted to write and let you know that I think you and your husband are on the right track.
You are in the conflict stage of marriage but you are communicating with each other and that is a major first step towards working together as partners.

As for the pregnancy, the thing with Doulas is it can seem weird to a lot of us guys because it's a new thing. (relatively new) we had midwives in two of our pregnancys so I am familiar with them. My sister in law gave birth in water. And I'm very proud of my wife for giving birth to 3 babies naturally.
Years ago men weren't even in the delivery rooms. They waited outside. So there Is a cultural reason why your husband may think it weird. I'm not defending his attitude, just offering a possible explanation

Thanks HDW.

Your post encourages me.

Also, Ship read my posts and he said, "Sorry that I never meet your needs."

I told him that was not what I said at all. He said it seems to him that when I post it has been "43 years" of him not meeting my needs.

I understand that he wants his efforts recognized. I am the same way.

What I don't understand is how he is misreading me. I said there have been sweet times.

I want us to both be in love. That cannot happen without UA time.

We also need money and that cannot happen without more income.

I'm very worn out.

(Warning: DJ coming) I get very tired of feeling like I have to plant my flag at the top of the hill and get ready to battle it out everytime I want to be heard. It takes a week or more just for him to talk to me like he understands my position at times.

For example, when we were discussing my MIL, I said that I didn't feel like I was allowed to feel the way I do. He said, "Even if I think your opinion is stupid, you are still allowed to have it." You see???

He may not say it, but I can sense how he judges me in his heart when he disagrees with me. I'm not safe to have any opinions that are different than his without judgement. He admits it.

Then he said that he didn't say it was stupid, he said IF he thought it was stupid it doesn't keep me from having my own opinion.

No, I guess it doesn't, but it sure doesn't make me feel safe to express my concerns. Then I said, "See why I need a doula?"

I'm so glad I'm not crazy. I know he doesn't accept me as I am. He has admitted it in many different ways. Accepting me and accepting a point of view are 2 totally different things.

Just tired.

Anointed, honey, you can do this. Maybe pack a back-up snack in your purse or something. Maybe you don't need to push yourself as hard as you do, only you can determine that. The all or nothing thinking is a temporary side effect of the state of conflict and will hopefully recede as you two get closer. As you said, you sound tired, maybe take a day off, recharge?

I don't know if this will help you, but it's okay to say no to his family visiting your home. It's POJA; if you're not enthusiastic about it, you can say no and negotiate something else. We had pretty big inlaw issues, and have negotiated that my FIL is not allowed to stay here and we will not stay at his home. We are not cut off completely (my H would not be enthusiastic about that), but when we visit, we stay in a hotel so that when (not if, sadly) things start going poorly, we can leave. FIL hasn't come here for seven years! My H speaks with him once a week on the phone, but I speak to him only a few times a year, mainly to say, "Hi, here's Mr. CWMI," while I hand over the phone.

I don't care to improve the relationship with him, and I don't care for my children to have a relationship with him either because I find him to be physically and emotionally dangerous to us. I think he is emotionally dangerous to my H, too, but he isn't enthusiastic about cutting contact, so I don't push it, although I do encourage him to clear up the issues since his father is in his 70s and not in the best health. He's not enthusiastic about that, either, but I suppose I'm up to the challenge of dealing with H's unresolved issues after his father passes. I already did it about his mother.

Since you guys are church people, maybe you could influence a bible study about cleaving to your wife? And what it really means to honor your parents?

It seems very strange to me that he would get angry at his pregnant wife, in church, for wanting to gain admission to the room where he was expecting you. He would rather disturb you than the woman sitting next to him? That doesn't make sense, emotionally or logically. Next time, bang on the door. Especially effective if the "people you disturbed" have to get up to let in the pregnant wife he was ignoring via text. They'll be disturbed in a whole new way. Not by you. By him.

Anointed, I was wondering about that, too. It's important to halve withdrawals when you can. What do you think about just knocking on the door so someone else can let you in if your H isn't enthusiastic about opening the door himself? Then it's a much smaller withdrawal, that you didn't like how he responded to the text message, than feeling like you were left outside over 7 minutes.

Stupid may not be the best word choice, but why isn't he allowed to think something is stupid?

Seems you want it both ways. Free to have your opinion, but he's not allowed to disagree.

So while I don't agree with his word choice, I believe it is a move in the right direction, and points out that you seem to want him to conform to your world view, instead of allowing him to have his own views.

For instance, I think most of the programming on the Bravo network is stupid, (actually vapid and inane.) My wife likes it. I am free to share my opinion, she is free to agree or disagree.

I usually just leave the room when it's on.

Problem solved.

Choices in television programming is rarely as emotionally charged as disrespectful in-laws, EE. To tell her that her feelings are stupid when it comes to the FOO that HE brought into their marriage is detrimental to the marriage. She wants his support and protection. If your wife wanted your support and protection about her choice of programming, wouldn't you find out what she enjoyed about it and try to find something that would meet her needs that you COULD support?

Or would you just say, "No, that's stupid."