Indie she likes all kinds but only the real stuff lol not asti or cava also given between me and our son we got the bouquet yesterday, �150 on jewellery today and some Yankee candle things I was worried the champers would be over doing it, plus would need to go get it today and not sure how I would give it to her without it lookin like a last minute thing

Well she opened my card and didnt really read all the verse etc in there, but at least she has put it on display (i had put a couple of love heart sweets inside).

She liked the jewellery and yankee candles that were from me and our son and whilst giving our son a cuddle and kiss etc all i got was a "thank you" (that hurt but at least an acknowledgement)

She has gone shopping for the day now with her dad whilst i look after our son who is going to the scooter park. I did find when i came back and they have gone that she is wearing the necklace n earrings that we got her.

Not sure what else i should do today now, whether to send a txt later or leave a note etc or get some champers (would love to leave a bottle of champer with a single rose on her bed but know that would be too much i think). I was hoping in part that i could have gone shopping etc with them but part of me expected her to want to spend the day with her dad without me around.

It feels like the biggest battle i face now is not so much her A but her feelings towards me and getting her to try and see past the hurt etc she has inside her towards me from all the past issues. I know this just takes my consistant EN fufilling and no LB's and lots of time and plan A.

Hopefully her dad will talk to her as well today saying to give things a chance etc and that he doesnt want to see us break up and that she wouldnt be letting anyone down if she did try (i feel this is part of her mindset right now in that she has gone so far and feels that to turn back would be letting people close to her down)

Well got a txt from her while out shopping saying she going to get stuff for bbq and invited some friends over as well, so me and son been and bought cake and champers.

Hopefully it will at least be a relaxed evening and few drinks too but, dont get my hopes up as i know she will be on her guard as well nothing drunken likely to happen etc

keeping up plan A and keeping smiling and been happy though

Morning people, fellow BS's and all you great supporters out there. Its the morning after and feeling quite upbeat today for some reason. Had a nice afternoon\evening yesterday for WW birthday and the suprise cake and champers seemed to go down well. Even though earlier when she got back from shopping had said she had sorted everything out etc, cause she actually had some of the cake and all the champer got drunk i sent her a message on FB as well late in the evevning just saying "hope you had a nice day and like the cards\presents\suprises from us both"

This morning got the usual frost reception, as in very short one word answers etc but i know its small she has started taking my underpants\socks etc upstairs again and leaving them on my bed. Also i was laying in the bath and knew she was going out with her dad shopping i had changed our bed sheets etc and ready to put them in wash and she mentioned to me that i could do "MY" washing etc while she out which i didnt react to, but low and behold i have come down and found she has actually put them on instead (what gives?) also yesterday i saw she had bought some new toothpaste for me (i use different to her) as my was nearly out but i hadnt said anything to her etc (again what gives?) finally before she left she shouted up to me "bye, we are going into town" she has started telling me more when and where she is going etc when she goes out.

So it appears that either conciously or sub concisouly she is saying\doing things (and by god it does feel nice) but before everyone tells me i know she is still withdrawn and could be cake eating etc etc

its a long war with with hundreds of little battles to be fought some lost and some won, this morning it feels like one of those little battles was won by me (in that she is still aware of me) or at least drawn.

Could do with some input and yoru take on my last few posts indie

It all sounds good to me. A productive few days on the battlefield of Plan A. Don't see how it could have gone any better or how you could have done better.

Plan B should always be viewed by Plan Aers as an upcoming certainty. As though the WS should be prepped for the separation by giving them things they will really miss. Which you are doing.

If you carry on like this, in PLan B you will have nothing to reproach yourself for as to how good your Plan A was.

Thanks indie needed a little boost tonight just wish i could be doing more and seeing more response from her as well.

Just feel like her walls of defences so hard in place i sometimes dont feel like i am making any difference. But soemtimes she seems to let her guard down but it quckly goes back up. The hardest part i feel is trying to get her to somewhat forgot the past hurts etc i have done in terms of my LB's and borken promises to change and be able to just look at things from now and the changes i am making. I know it will take time for her to trust them and i have to be consistant as well.

Sometimes i just want to wrap my arms around and hold her close to me and say to her that things will get better and we can make it together through this to have a new marriage that is so much better than it ever was.

One thing that does go around in my mind is the "my feelings havent change, i cant help that" statement, now i know people have said this is fog bable and ignore it which i do, but sometimes it is so hard to. I feel like just turnin round and saying something like "you can help it, you can accept the faults we have and work together to resolve them and then slowly the feelings will come back if you let them and we will have a far better and stronger marriage and future"

sorry i just wanted to get my feelings out and like before i think it better on here than for real as that would be LB'ing

I certainly look at her at the moment and do see an alien and not my real wife, but i can see my real wife inside who just seems scared and frightened to come out, for fear of been hurt all over again and also from thinking that she has gone this far and will let people down if she changed her mind etc now (like her dad, although he has told me she wouldnt be letting him down and he wants us to stay together)

i am staying stong and can keep this plan A for much longer than she probably thinks i will, next significant date is going to be oct 9th which is our wedding anniverary of 13 years (god how unlucky) am starting to think of ideas for it, but could be very dependant really on where things stand although having a "date" night could be the start of something new

Doc H say's that men are tougher and can hande plan A'ing for 6 months. You are not in a sprint but a marathon.

Gabriel had God and a trumpet and the walls fell down at once.

You have no trumpet and only have MB and us to support you so your WW's walls are not coming down fast or appear to not be happening any time soon.

Though as you see time to time a crack appears in WW's walls. That is plan A working. There is no discernable progress.

The only guarantee is if you quit plan A you will never get through your WW's walls.

She really CAN'T see the feelings returning, just now dave. Nor even the possibility. Its like asking her to look at the sky from inside a cave. Impossible.

You can only control your own feelings and actions.

- Yep i know the cracks appear from time to time and giving up now would mean they never come down, sorry i just need to let some feelings out.

Yep i know this indie, i just wish i could bring her to the edge of the cave and tell her see that the really is there and that whilst she might be frightened of it to start the longer she spends at the edge of the cave and gets used to it she will no longer be frightened of and can come outside to see it properly.

So how to i get her to the cave entrance to at least be able to see there is sky, i am guessing your all going to say plan A no LB's fufill EN's.

I did read some good things on here last night in various threads where the WW was in the same position as mine, and all of them got to the point where the WW saw the "light" so to speak and wanted to work on the marriage. I just wish there was something i could say and\or do that would convince mine that if we start spending 15+ hrs of UA time and fufillinf the top four EN's that the feelings of love will quickly start coming back. I just have to get her to see the "light" at first so to speak.

VENT: This morning she has just gone to work and i have noticed she has now moved all her perfume bottles into the spare room as well, it feels like she is moving more and mroe things in there. Every time she takes something likes clothes\underware\makeup etc from OUR room it never returns and stays in the spare room with her.

How to i respond to this, do i say something, ignore it, move her perfume back into OUR room etc? This feels awful and that she is slowly move her life out of OUR room and into the spare room more and more and become more separated and insular from ME

Not sure what the other vets might say, but I think its okay to tell her how you feel, and ask her why she is doing it.

As others have said, you need to keep up your plan A even through difficulties like this (your doing a good job, keep it up!), with the thought that most plan A end up going to plan B eventually. If you do plan A right, she will realize how much you mean to her and plan B will hopefully pull her out of the fog.

One thing I would not do is just move her perfume back to your room. That's disrespectful, and you need to discuss things before doing something like that.

I'd make no fuss about it at all. Its only as big of a deal as you want to make it. Your panic has been sparked and there are two things you're failing to consider.
A) Many women like to use the spare room to store clothes, make up and jewellery etc even when they don't sleep there. If she were using it merely as a room to get ready in whenever you didn't have people staying with you, but she was sleeping with you - you wouldn't care.
B) While her lovebank is low, being near you at night is not a good idea for her. While this lasts she's going to want to be somewhere else. If she had moved some belongings out to sleep somehwere to recover from a temporary illness, you wouldn't care either. You'd expect the status quo to resume eventually.

Just keep that attitude on your face and in your voice tone. Act confident that the status quo will resume.

If she moved her perfume under any other circumstances, you wouldn't care. Stop reacting so much to every sign, every up and down.

I would say don't mention it at all. Silence is very confident.

But if you feel compelled to, say you've noticed she seems to be running low on room if she is keeping items in the spare room. Ask does she need any more storage space in the bedroom or bathroom?

Best case scenario she repeats the words 'spare room' and you've gotten her to call it that.

The worst thing she can say is she wants her stuff in HER bedroom. To which you'd say: "OK, wherever you like. We could use the SPARE room for extra storage, I suppose. It might even make a good permanent dressing room for all your things. Do we need more furniture or storage? There's room for a dressing table."

Your confidence makes it appear temporary and you might even get a furniture shopping trip out of it where you can give UA time and meet needs of FS and affection.

More importantly Dave, why do women wear perfume?

If i ask her i know i will get the wayward babble again hence coming here to see what other thing first. I havent move it and will leave it alone.

Whilst i accept this its not something that has ever been done before and only since she moved into the spre room to live n sleep.

Yes i understand this and its exacly what she is doing



ok i will ignore that this has happened

I will consider this indie

lol that put a smile on my face

one thing i do keep thinking of asking\saying to her either on a txt\messages\email etc is something like "do you believe the best possible outcome would be for us both to be happy and in love with each other, and to have happy loving famliy" just not sure how i shoudl say\ask it or whether or not its the right time for saying something like that

Hmmm. No I wouldn't say anything like that. That statement is weighted very heavily in favour of what you want and is not really fairly taking into account her point of view. Besides, any relationship talk is going to create a very serious mood and pressure.

Listen more than you talk and put your words aside and concentrate more on actions.

thanks indie glad i hadnt said it yet, i would listen more than talk if she actually did say anything or have a conversation, just at the moment everything seems inititated by me.

Since i working from home today she was originally taking our son to school at 5pm for a metting about an adventure course he is going. So i sent a text earlier today that said the following:

"hi hope yrou coakes hone down well, they are the best is it ok if i come to themeeting as well? thinking of you darling x x "

i had a respond before she has her staff meeting saying "doesnt need both of us at the meeting. you go" so i said "there is no reason we cant both go together xx" reply to that was "i'll sort dinner" so i said "dont be silly we can both go and both sort dinner afterwards xx". Havent had any response back to this, just feels like she doesnt acutally want to be even seen out with me in public even for our sons things.

Whats your take on this and could i handle it better etc. To me i feel like in the messages i have trying to show EN's of affection, admiration, family commitment, domestic support.