I have been reading here for about 4 and 1/2 years. I don't know of anyone who has recovered a marriage when the affair partner was in such close proximity. Today, on today's radio show Dr. and Mrs Harley talk about shortcuts in the program and how they don't work.

AM

Why didnt it work though? Did the behaviors change? I was told that the affairs that rekindle are expected to because the WS refuses to leave their employer where they sit next next to the OP or they continue to go out socially alone ect....

There are some, AM, MSS and HFD being two such examples. (I am also, but mine is, shall we say, a special case.)

How about it colleagues, speak up. Are there any other folks among the veterans who did NOT relocate following the affair termination and marriage recovery, and succeeded, in spite of the difficulties?

Without physical removal, KG and and FWW will have increased risk of re-contact and re-initialization of the "pull" of the affair. I don't envy them the task before them, but will, as already stated, assist as KG needs assistance.

It doesn't matter if behaviors don't change because they won't stay changed if the triggers don't change. It is not about behavior, but about TRIGGERS.

Instead of wasting time trying to find ways to avoid MB advice, we need to support him in finding ways to relocate. I don't know of anyone who made it while living in close proximity to the OP, but I know lots who ended up in repeat affairs and ultimately divorced.

Ad even if we find one such case, using that example would be like telling someone it is ok to smoke because lots of people recover without any lasting harm. For example, I used to smoke 4 packs a day. I quit smoking and have no physical damage. Would it be smart for me to, therefore, tell people to smoke cigarettes?

I have a feeling that KGaas very foggy wife is pressuring him to not move and is simply caving to that pressure. In her discussion with dr H she was coming p with excuses to not move. I suspect her attitude has not changed and she has influenced KGaa to have second thoughts.

I didnt relocate.

I never really even considered it, to be honest.

Because her boyfriend was not in our inner circle of friends in my town, and we didnt expose to this inner circle, I felt no need to move. And, I felt/feel no concern of her running into him or seeking him out. Havent had concern for that in any big way at all.

The only reason to move is if our inner circle (mostly parents of my kids' friends) found out out of embarassment for my kids and my own humiliation. As time goes by I fear this less.

But, I concur with KG, go ahead reach out to your boyfriend and let me find out, I will have a house and 2 kids while she'll have nothing and every other weekend.

According to Dr. Harley, most marriages affected by an affair should move:


This is from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in His Needs, Her Needs, p. 177.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2570030#Post2570030

My wife is not and has not tried to deter the move. She has a job offer and is ready to go visit the place in a few weeks. She just said today to that if I feel ita beat to expose to a work friend because he kinda help me get my job, that I may ne leaving soon to go ahead I made my bed I need to sleep in it. They r not as is the OM in our circe of friends here. Would I move if realistically possible, yes to ease the recovery, but to say u have to if u follow MB peinciples and u our in true love with your partner, isnt that affair proofing?

Nope, it is not. Affair proofing is making sure there is no contact FOR LIFE even if you have to move to another state.

And you don't have to follow a single MB principle. It all voluntary. You are Free to cut any corner and ignore the advice.

Also what is causing me to so called "cave" for the move is no job, depending soley on my wifes income, changing careers if even possible, ruining my credit and financial future ect....if i could just tranfer to anither state ir city, no problem, but many people cant aurvive

So...how close is too close? How far away would you have to go?

Lots of people take lots of shortcuts in MB and then contact Dr. Harley to tell him that his plans don't work. He actually talked about it on the today's radio show.

I stand by my statement that I don't know of recovered marriages when there are triggers right down the street and potential contact at any time.

My H and I moved 1200 miles and several states away from OW. H retired early and we took a huge hit to our income. We now live more simply, in a less expensive home. We take one vacation a year instead of several. We have one older car (the affair car was totalled when the garage fell on it after a big snowstorm). Our son lives at home and attends community college instead of going away to a more expensive school.

Keep applying and keep trying for a different job and a move. And, if you don't find one right away, move anyway and figure out how to live on one income for a period of time.

It is all about choices. For us, all these choices were preferable to divorce. I have no doubt that if we hadn't made these changes, we would be divorced by now and quality of life for both of us would be unpleasant.

AM

I would find a way to do it so you don't leave without a job or ruin your credit. It is not like you have to choose. You have to keep looking for jobs and be creative. So many people before you have moved and they did not go jobless or ruin their credit.

I can understand that you are feeling good that you have a job that will provide a good salary, benefits, and pension.

Jobs as those are hard to get these days. So I feel your fear.

Thing is many people commute 1 to 1.5 hours each way 5 days a week.

Sell that home and move 1 hour away from OM parents, and you will then be 2 hours away from OM.

Thing is I don't remember if your WW worked with OM or OM did business where WW worked. If either is the case WW needs a new job yesterday.

People every day lose jobs, homes, are forced to move. They survive.

Affairs cause financial, physical, and mental pain.

"Even IF you have to move to another state" when do you have to and when don't you?

We could move am hour away and then she would still tech. Be able to meet up when she drove into town for work..MB would then advise, u are not in close proximity to him or family so justp dont talk to him anymore. Right? NC..if his parents did not live close would thatp change things.

How big is your town? What is the pop?

220,000

So maybe the solution is to move to a part of town that is not close to the OM's parents? Did you consider that?

Do you think that would work?

**edit**