That will help give you a context for the program that will help everything else make sense. Another great resource is Dr Harley's radio program. It is extremely helpful and you can listen to his shows for free at the radio link at the top of the page.

[quote=MelodyLane) Another great resource is Dr Harley's radio program. It is extremely helpful and you can listen to his shows for free at the radio link at the top of the page. [/quote]

Cept it is not free.

Cept it is not free. [/quote]
If you hit the listen now, it is. It runs the Friday show all weekend.

Cept it is not free. [/quote]

Yes, it is free. Just click on the "Marriage Builders radio" link. You can listen to each show live and for the 24 hours following until the next show.

But it makes no sense to 'agree to disagree'. This is a cop out from solving the problem at hand. Its OK to disagree, but not to leave off working the solution.

I would say you are not enthusiastic about the situation and would like his input on alternatives. Also pledge to try and think of some good ideas yourself. (Since he doesn't sound too happy with the job either I'd say a new job was a no-brainer but the POJA solution is not up to me)

Its OK to not have a solution all ready at this stage. But don't see the issue as unresolvable and let it drop under the 'agree to disagree' category. It needs solving. Practice POJA in small ways, encouraging each other as you make progress.

I would guess you will solve the big problem when you get more practiced, but its important to keep the brainstorming pot on the boil. Don't just switch it off because the two of you don't immediately agree.

No, no, no. You should try to think of ways to become enthusiastic instead. It is impossible for a persons ENs to be met by someone unenthusiastic.

For example, a woman who values a man who helps around the house will not be impressed with a guy who mops the floor with a martyred expression on his face...

Someone who likes the RC need met by camping in the great outdoors won't be too thrilled with a spouse who tuts at the mud, looks at her watch or is just generally unenthusiastic.

And I think its obvious that going to bed with someone who is trying to pretend sex isn't a chore right now, is NOT a sexy way to do things.

So if we are honest about our enthusiasm levels, and figure out POJA first, then...

Mr Mop decides he can mow the lawn and make dinner enthusiastically...

Mrs hates-to-camp goes on an afternoon hike with the hubby instead of sleeping outdoors

And the couple disagreeing about SF find it is more romantic and enjoyable after a night of dinner and dancing instead of as a pre-sleep exercise...

indiegirl: Just for the record it isn't H job but a volunteer position that he likes very much. It is actually one of the few things H IS enthusiastic about.

But YOU are not, correct?

[/quote]But YOU are not, correct?

[/quote]

That is correct.

19k, the agree to disagree principle in marriage is how incompatibility is created and how couples fall out of love. it might very well be that you could be enthusiastic about his volunteer work if he spent 15-20 hours per week with YOU, though. But, if you are not enthusiastic about it, then it shouldn't be done.

I get the sense from reading your posts that you and your husband engage in alot of independent behavior and then expect your spouse to just stuff it if he/she doesn't like it. That is a sure fire resentment builder. Couples that can't or won't follow the policy of joint agreement don't stay married very long.

I would get a real good understanding of how incompatibility is created. Here is the start of some good articles: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5026_qa.html

It might be relevent to post someting about our conversations prior to this one:


I have been trying to convince him that we need to practise the 15 hours UA/week. His replies are that he and I have too many work/money issues and sleep/health issues to give 15 hours time to UA. Then he proceeds to say that the time he spends at EMT meetings I am asleep anyway. So... I counteracted with "You will give up sleep for EMT mtgs but not for UA time". I was PO'ed.

We talked about the 15 hour requirement again today, and decided maybe we were not interpreting it completely correct. Obviously SF is very UA. But is going to a restaurant (when the waiter is interupting several times during the meal) UA? Also, most recreational situations are not entirely uninterupted. But, they would count for the 15 hours, do we have this right?

[/quote]
If you hit the listen now, it is. It runs the Friday show all weekend.[/quote]

Thanks! I get it now.

You judge whether it counts by the fact that needs are being met. For example, if you go to a restaurant and meet each others EN's for conversation and affection, it would count, even though the waitress interrupts a few times. BUT.......if you went to a restaurant and your H sat there and watched a sports game, it would not count. Movies and TV do not count because your attention is on the show and not on each other.

That is how you guage whether it is effective UA time or not.

If your husband has a problem getting motivated, you might try a few counseling sessions with Steve Harley. He is very persuasive with reluctant spouses. Typically if a spouse understands the benefits he stands to gain from this program he is all over it.

What would be your husband's benefit from this program? What is his main complaint about your marriage?

IS there a reason why you are responding to our posts with one liners? We are taking the time to write out complete posts to you and you are responding with one liners. Are you using a computer?

[quote=MelodyLane]
I get the sense from reading your posts that you and your husband engage in alot of independent behavior and then expect your spouse to just stuff it if he/she doesn't like it. That is a sure fire resentment builder. Couples that can't or won't follow the policy of joint agreement don't stay married very long.


I DO think if we had 15-20 hours/week (I have called time spent together "relationship building" before I ever heard of MB)for just the 2 of us I wouldn't feel resentful. As it is, I am sitting home alone right now (do you hear the pity party) while he is working.

I'm sorry. I am on a computer. Just trying to think things through 1 thought at a time so I can be very concise. I am also not very good w/ technology. I have never been a member of a forum before.

I don't think my husband thinks there is much wrong w/ our M at all. In fact when we filled out EN questionnaires he answered most all of the "how does it make you feel" questions with a "C" (neither happy nor unhappy).

That's good to hear. But don't be afraid to put all of your thoughts at there - it helps us to help you.

So it sounds like he leads a completely independent lifestyle and has checked out of his marriage. Steve Harley might be able to sell him on changing it, though.

19kl83,

Since you are on the Infidelity forum I am assuming you are in recovery from an A. Can you give us more info about that? Who had the A, when it was over, if NC is verified, etc?

Pertinent information when one person is seemingly checked out of the situation, I think.

Have to comment here. My H has hunting, fishing, photography (among a bunch of other stuff) as hobbies, and I also have a bunch of hobbies (our hobbies overlap, a lot, so that helps). I am also the President of a non profit org and have been for the last couple of yrs. I understand how passionate someone can be about their play time and or causes.

In the beginning of this process we had a lot of IB because we were often off doing our hobbies, tag teaming watching kids so the other one could go do their thing. I would say we were always in support of each other, neither resentful or bitter that the other one was off, but still, it detracted from our time together for sure.

We still do our hobbies, and I still maintain my status quo at the non profit. However, UA time/H comes first. I vowed that if our UA time and/or recovery was suffering due to my time or commitments elsewhere, I would step down. The fact is, when we get 15-20 hrs in together, seperating for awhile to pursue our passions is fine (providing that we maintain good boundaries with the opposite sex doing them). The end result has been us doing more and more of our hobbies/RC TOGETHER, which is beneficial in a number of ways.

POJA of your H's volunteer work could mean that he steps down as Director and takes a lesser role, at least until you have your M in a position where UA time is a solid habit. Him just being unwilling to compromise at all regarding this is not OK.

There will probably be people on here who dispute this, I had a lot of people on my own thread dispute my extracurricular hobbies and volunteer work. I am willing to make my H and my marriage my FIRST priority. But I believe there is still room for your own things afterwards. Take it as you will.