Again, I feel like you rescued me from a very destructive path, so thank you.

Anointed, I have been so worried about the advice that you received about the locked door incident that I sent some time reading on the private forum to find similar cases, and see what Dr H's advice was. The nearest situation I could find involved a marriage in which there had been an affair. The couple had recently met Dr H at the weekend forum.

The BW wrote to Dr H because on a flight the previous weekend, she had felt ill. She told her H about feeling unwell and he had not responded in a caring manner. He had not comforted her on the flight and when they left the plane, he had left her to carry her own bags.

At home, when she complained about his lack of care for her on the flight, he did not think there had been anything wrong with the way he behaved. He pointed out that he did ask the steward for something to make his wife feel better. In all, he made it clear that he did not see why she was upset and did not think she should be.

This sounds a bit like your situation the other day, pregnant (which is not a short-term event, of course) and faced with your H's uncaring behaviour towards you. Since then, you have tried to explain why you felt uncared for in the hope that he will see how this hurts you and care enough to try and change his uncaring behaviour. He doesn't see what is upsetting about how he treated you so he is making no commitment to treating you more caringly in the future.

This was Dr H's response to the poster on the private forum:


"Your husband's thoughtless behaviours are all habits that need to be changed".

This husband wanted to change, evidenced by his being at the weekend seminar. He had spoken to Dr H and Dr H knew this about him; he wanted to change. Therefore, Dr H's advice was for his wife to keep asking him to consider her feelings in all his actions, and for her to be patient because he wanted to change. But a change in behaviours was necessary if this wife was to fall in love with him again. Her LB was severely in the red because of the affair, and the uncaring behaviour was making this worse.

In a follow-up reply Dr H wrote:

It's the same solution for you. If your H wants to make you happy he will need to commit to changing thoughtless behaviours, and he will need to listen to you when you complain, and not reject your complaint. If you are maintain your commitment to this marriage over time, then you need to see a willingness to change the behaviours you dislike, and, slowly, actual changes in your H's behaviour.

Thanks HHH. I am not excited about what I'm reading, but it does make me feel stronger somehow. Just knowing I'm not crazy to ask for or want to feel cared for is a huge relief.

Last night I was awake from 3am-6:30am thinking, praying, and bawling my eyes out.

I've asked for many years to be cared for.

It seems Ship didn't do much with MB last night after all. His mom came over and he spent a while chatting with her. I did see that he emailed Joyce but all he did was give her his email.

I thought for my sanity I'd list some things he has done to show me care lately:

1)hugged from behind the other day and rubbed my belly (baby)
2)rubbed my back while going to sleep when I said it ached
3)called and asked if I wanted him to pick up some comfort food (i.e. chocolate) after a particularly rough day for me

I've been tempted to think that it just isn't in him to do this stuff for me all the time, but when we were dating it is what made me fall in love with him. He was extravagant about it.

When I've mentioned to him that I need a servant heart to be around after and during the birth of the baby, he looks at me confused and says, "why do you keep using that word...that you want to be SERVED." I guess I was trying to say that I want someone to care for me and consider me.

His family does not do that. And unfortunately Ship doesn't do it very well or often enough to make me feel loved.

What a bummer of a day.

I have to prepare for my 3 year old's birthday get together, so I have to hold it all together. Plus my MIL is here today. Just can't deal today.

You've got a tough nut to crack. But it can be cracked, if he is willing.

Marriage assumes that spouses care for each other in an extraordinary way. They go beyond the care that anyone else would offer, to provide exceptional attention and protection.

This made me cry...not that it would be hard to make me cry today. I was wondering if the writing is on the wall. I was wondering what I'm supposed to do.

I do think Ship loves me, but if he can't show me love in a caring way, with respect...what good does it do?

I've asked him before if he even loves me, and it always hurts him. But now I see the reason I have asked (sincerely) has been because he has not shown me care.

I will stop. I will re-read. Thanks HHH.

he wanted to change. Therefore, Dr H's advice was for his wife to keep asking him to consider her feelings in all his actions, and for her to be patient because he wanted to change. But a change in behaviours was necessary if this wife was to fall in love with him again.

Look at that private forum quote, sister.

Dr H knows his deal, the explanation for this behavior is right there.

Ship is hurt when you question if he loves you, because that question causes him to feel like he is failing (hint; he is. he is failing to demonstrate care).

I wish I could help you more, but from where I sit, I don't have the knowledge or experience to advise you to the solution that I see; to show him that he can move PAST those failures, and work on SUCCEEDING in his marriage. This has to be something that HE has to decide to do, it has to be something that HE values. And if those failures hurt him, he must value it at least a little bit.

Avoiding those failures is about creating NEW habits.


Just from the little bit of interaction I got with your H, he seems to be a pretty smart guy, but that can be a bad thing. Sometimes, when we are intelligent, we sell ourselves on crap far too easily, and it makes it hard for us to consider the opinions of others. We believe we know better.

I am guilty of this. So, I tell myself; I'm a stupid guy, but I can learn and memorize what smarter men have already figured out!

As you have already noticed, attending MBW or any other seminar for that matter, does not change habits. Habits are changed by repeating new behavior. Your husband's thoughtlessness behaviors are all habits that need to be changed. He doesn't feel any of the pain you feel when he acts in a thoughtless way, but wants to change. So you'll have to be patient with him while he practices those changes -- if you want your marriage, that is.

I mentioned during MBW that women have more connections between neurons than men. And the band of fibers connecting the right and left hemispheres of their brain is much larger in women. It gives women a greater awareness of their surroundings, and empathy has a great deal to do with awareness. One negative aspect of this trait is that they often "care too much" and seem to be worried about how everyone in their lives are doing, including animals. The positive, of course, is that they bond with their partners much more quickly, and understand the value of the POJA more readily than men.

There are exceptions, however. Some of the couples we see consist of a husband with greater empathy than a wife. So it's not true that all women are more empathetic than men. And some men have a greater lack of empathy than the average man.

Men with a long history of thoughtlessness struggle with the changes that make them compatible with a woman. They usually feel that they are making progress by taking one small step at a time, while the woman in their life usually feels that the progress is way to small and too slow.

We'll try to speed things up in your case, but it will leave your husband feeling like a failure most of the time. He seems to lack the empathy you feel, but that doesn't mean that his behavior can't become thoughtful.

Your husband contacted me today. I'll be discussing your problems with him this weekend by email, and keep you informed.

Anointed, it's hard to see you so tired and in pain today. But I know better days are ahead for you and your family, Anointed. You are not alone.