Today, you need to tell the children the above and get a list of contact information for your exposure targets at church.

If you act NOW, you have an opportunity to kill this affair.

You are right. I was very honest about the who and what about the A to our four older boys. Amazingly, by jumping the gun and talking to them before me, he had them thinking WE agreed to this. Since one heard about the inappropriate text I found, the others knew too so H was telling them the choir director sent the text to him ACCIDENTALLY and I was being unreasonable so obviously we have "trust issues." WHAT?! Everything changed then. I told them eveything; I explained that I felt once he got busted by me intercepting the text, he made a quick, angry decision to end things. I also told them he had options and this was HIS choice NOT mine. My #2 son said, he was glad he heard my side and he was sorry. He loves me. My oldest (He is going through a difficult situation right now personally too) is emotional and upset but 2nd son said he will talk to him.

As of yet, the 2 younger children havent been told anything. Because he did travel a bit, they are used to him going to conference or revivals but yesterday morning they asked "Where is daddy?" We were supposed to talk to them together but he's dragging it out so I will have to. Their questions are getting more specific ("Did daddy stay in Charleston?") and I am not going to lie to them or put them off any longer ("Where is daddy?" "I'm not sure. Now brush your teeth.")

Because he is a very well known pastor regionally and our large family did so many things around town, people know us or know of us. This mess is a MAJOR thing for the kids- any kids- but the circus that this will be is SO not what I want them to have to go through. We are going to be the tongue pieces for a loooong time and I truly hate they are going to have to deal with this.

The older boys plan to stay away at college for a while but the other kids live here and have to deal with the fall out and embarrassment. I am going to be ok (I have been grinning and bearing things a long time.) but I am concerned for them. So, I am going to schedule a counseling session for them with our old pastor, who had a great relationship with them, talk with them to try to cut some of this morose attitude out before it gets too bad.

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I appreciate every one of you for taking the time to respond and offering your take on this. This is so hard but when I get settled in, logging in and reading information and responses helps.

I do know it is tough to be the parent who must tell their children the facts but, alas, it ought to be done for the children's sake.

You should not wait for him to tell them. Do it with motherly love and factual information and let them know you are their rock and will not fail at being so, no matter the future outcome. That you are in emotional pain but can be counted on. Always.

All betrayed families are embarrassed by the social implecations of the nightmare. Do not feel that your situation is unique. All families are in a circle of a community and go through the same issues. Show compassion for your own situation and see it as an oppurtunity to realize what others have gone through or will go through and someday you will be able to be their understanding aquaintance.

good on you, A&O. i know it's hard.

logging in really does help us feel better. so does listening to the daily radio show. they have a free app, so you can listen on your mobile phone if you don't want to be tied to your computer.

He wants us to go to his lawyer buddy to put plans in writing we have discussed but he is already changing details of understanding or we really didnt get an equal understanding.
i asked if he plans to use him as counsel but he said this is just to make legal the stuff we want to do during the separation. Now I think it was dumb to think we could make it this simpler by using his friend considering how complicated everything else has become.

Hes come home but it is sooo mich like withdrawal. Hes mpoet and some moments of obvious sadness. I went to chuch and confronted her quietly
Come to find out, this is a pattern for her too.
The last pastor was involved with her and lost the church. She had to leave another church over a similar scandal. Now I guess my husband realizes she isnt as she represented herself. But it is sad.

Quietly? Why?

Why are you protecting her?

If you don't want a separation or divorce, then why are you having these talks with your husband about seeing a lawyer about it?

So he's back home where he can continue the affair in comfort?

If you don't put your foot down and stand up for yourself, you will find yourself divorced. Well, check that. Your WH will likely keep you and the choir director in this state indefinitely...or as along as you'll put up with sharing him.

I have been trying �Plan A. As far as I know, he is not in contact anymore but who know.. i went to chuurch Sunday but having her there is so distracting to me, Im sure it is distracting to him too. She was bouncing up and down to her feet for every possible Amen she could get out.... he is backing off the affection and intimacy thing though. That was his chief complaint but now "he's just not that into me," I guess.
Its really pretty miserable. We have gone to a friends house a couple of times for couples fellowship but, he spent all his time talking to him (and I to the wife) and we still left not really having good conversation with each other.
I'm still reading though and will trynto use some of the suggestions.

I'm sure it was distracting to him because, since you were there, he couldn't talk to her and had to wait until you weren't around.

The affair is still on, I'd put money on it. That you are still allowing him to have contact with her is not helping. That you never exposed this affair to the church is, also, not helping.

As long as you enable his affair, you'll get nowhere with this.

Sorry, I hate to see someone going through this, but you're going to have to force this to change if you want it to change.

Step 1 in killing this affair, if you're interested, is exposing this affair to the entire congregation, all of his friends, all of his family, all of her friends, all of her family and the church officers outside of your church (bishop or whoever is above your husband).

Please listen to this radio show. A BW asks Dr. Harley if you can recover without exposure.

Tell us what you think.
Radio clip about exposure
Segment #2
Segment #3

I listened to the radio program. I understand the importance of exposure. I have slightly exposed to a few quietly but not the entire church. We cannot up and move to another state or hope he gets another job pastoring. So...I did some expose at first among family and friends and recently within the church circle. They have talked with him. The church leadership is aware but because of her history of being in relationships with married men and the LAST pastor, they have decided this is her pattern and they love him as a pastor and want her to go, not him (us). My understanding is shehas resigned her position. We will see.
as for us, I still do not see where we are headed. He is so up and down....sounds like we are totally lost and then he reverses course and we are trying again. We have actually been intimate. He invited me to my favorite casual restaurant Wednesday and we went today with a couple of friends. It wasnt bad...Im trying to b patient as we get our bearings.
MY problem is when he is texting, I feel a slow burn of rage. When hes sleeping, I look over and feel the same absolute flushing of anger. I have to get that under control... soon.

You will get over the anger if you and your WH follow the program.

What JC has your WH given you?

Have you seen this by Dr. Harley?
Exposure:When should an affair be exposed by Dr. Harley

No, you don't wait to see if she has resigned.

You need to demand to see a written letter of resignation from her.

A&O, YOU should know. you should know exactly what is going on. i am very concerned about how in the dark you are, all round.

slightly exposing is worse than no exposure at all. A&O, you've got to shake off this lethargy and get your plan going.

please tell me the legal thing isn't happening at this point in time.

come back and tell us you've got a NC letter, signed by your WH, in your hands.

and that you know for a fact sluttypants has been excommunicated, or whatever it is called that your church does.

I'll toss this out one last time, but it's starting to sound like a broken record.

1. Expose this slut and your husband to everyone in the church. To have him up on the pulpit preaching is abhorrent and, if there are no consequences, there is no motive for him to change.

2. Assume that your husband is still cheating on you. Actually, you have no indication otherwise.

If you do not take control of your own marriage, the present will be your future as well.