Affection doesn't always have to be physical.


After D-Day I wrote a letter each day, folded it, and placed it into FWW's pack of cigarettes. It did pretty well to jumpstart things. Wouldn't work now... she hasn't smoked in over a year!

I sent flowers, placed post-it love notes in the car for her, and before she got up to shower for work would rub her neck/back (non-sexual touching/affection) for a few minutes...

What is with the re-posting? This is the second time I've had one of my posts repeat after a period of time.

In any case, I like the ideas. Once I give her this plan, I think I will try writing letters, as I did this once and she seemed fine with it, but this was before I exposed and broke up the band (figuratively speaking!). If I write letters, should I refrain from ILY until she's ready to renew? I'm also aware that flowers don't do much for her, and she even told me so when her co-worker suggested I get her flowers, which she apparently was forwarded. She said it wasn't her love language, in reference to the comparable 5 Love Languages which I have read, and I know she as at least partly read.

Thanks again for all of the advice.

Falconrap, I would make sure you are very clear with her that your love is NOT unconditional and you won't stay in a loveless marriage. In my opinion, I would present the ugly FIRST because I don't think you will have her attention until you give her that ugly reality check. In business we call that "make em sick and get em better." You should give her the cold hard reality first and then offer up a safe place to land.

Many WWs believe their husbands love for them is unconditional and are quite shocked to hear otherwise. It is amazing how their perspective changes once they are disabused of that notion.

My thinking is to open with the bad and finish with the good by handing her a solution. That way you are finishing on a good note instead of a bad note. You finish with the warm fuzzies.

ha, ha...Mel -- I was just going to add -- when we have teacher conferences with parents/students, we always present the "bad" first (the problem) and finish on a "good" note (the solution)...that's what I'd do as well...

This was my original intent. I think I will stick with D first, then renewal plan. I want to paint her an ugly picture of what will happen if we go the D route. I want to make sure that she understands that D means I will move on and not take her back, as I just can't let her put me through that again. She definitely thinks my love is unconditional. I think I need to make it clear to her that what is happening is showing me that it is not, and that I can't continue like this.

An email she wrote to her parents on the 18th stated that she was unhappy in our marriage and would be happy even if alone. She also mentioned that she "settled" for me and that she was never really happy. I know this is not the case, as we use to have a lot of fun together and really loved each other. We allowed ourselves to slowly pull apart after the first child and I think that is when she actually started feeling this to some extent. When I see or hear things mentioned in her fog state, it really disheartens me, but I usually remind myself that it's bull and plow on. She did seem ready to seek counseling for herself, as she stated such in her email, but not marriage counseling. Part of my plan includes her seeking professional counseling for her self-esteem issues resulting from being cheated on by her two prior boyfriends (which includes the OM back 20 years ago - she moved down to FL with the second and later met me).

Thanks for the advice again, and please help keep me straight!

Uh huh. I wish we had a nickel for every time we've heard a wayward say this.

Yup.
Just because she says it, doesn't make it 'true'.

Yeah, it's amazing how I have vivid memories of her being very happy during the time she says she never was. Of course, she also just told her parents to stop trying to tell her what to do because she's a 40 year old woman now...except she's 41. Oh, and how her parents hated her OM when she was "dating" him in HS. Umm...parents can't remember the guy, and didn't know she was dating him back then.

It's amazing some of the inconsistencies that come out of all her to other people. Especially the projection. She was always the reserved one, yet I'm the one who lacks passion - I actually had passion as cited as a core strength in my review 2 years ago. Passion is something I definitely don't lack.

Update: OK, Saturday ended up being hectic with the kids. I dropped them off with my dad, as planned, but nearly an hour later than desired. Me and the WS ate together at home then started talking about our budget (a much needed talk that went quite well). She ended up having to write me 2 checks, and she was shaking her head at the stupidity of doing it, writing them to me instead of her, as she said it just didn't feel right. We ended up seeing eye-to-eye on the budget and agreed to follow Dave Ramsey's plan to get us in much better financial position. Unfortunately, this talk went way longer than I had planned, and then I had to get the kids. Having already had a long day, and not getting the kids in bed until around 10:30, I was just a little too tired to attempt to give her my plan (I tend to say some really stupid s__t when I'm tired!). So I decided to hold off and seek a better time between Sunday and next weekend, at the latest.

This might have been a blessing in disguise, though. Ever since bomb drop, and especially since exposure day, she has always looked and acted contemptible around me. She hadn't felt comfortable around me in months. Yesterday, I did the groceries early, as I normally do, and I purchased the wrong item for a desert she was making, as well as forgot to get something else for it (my shopping list on my phone decided to drop the second item on me!). Since I had another shopping to do, and having screwed up the one item (the other was her fault for not correctly describing what she needed), I went ahead and stopped at the store again on the way to the other and got the correct item. She noted that I didn't need to make a special trip and thanked me. The rest of the day she was totally different with me. What I had seen in drips, her laughing and talking to me in spots, turned into a gusher. All day she was very jovial around me, and would talk to me without issue. When she would talk with me, she would look straight at me with a happy demeanor, as opposed to her more normal "pissed" look and her tendency to only look at me straight in quick bursts, frequently looking off my gaze. She was generally happy all day long. She did have some emails with the enabling cousin, who let her know that the OM hadn't responded to her either (it appears from multiple communications that they, in fact, never did get sexual in there meet-up; don't know the details yet, and still don't fully trust this, but the evidence against something happening is a little bit too much to ignore it now - finding out EXACTLY what did and did not happen will be needed from her). She made absolutely no comment about that at all.

This morning, we had a chance for another moment of brief laughter and communication before I left, and her reaction was the same; looking me straight in the eye the whole time with a happy demeanor. I think what I have been doing is starting to slowly work on her. I'm cautious, about it this, of course, but I could feel and see a total change in her demeanor toward me. I think the fact that he isn't communicating with him, and I'm being a good father and husband, is starting to really wear down her defenses. I'll keep doing what I am doing and see if the mood continues to improve. This is the third week of withdrawal, and I've seen repeated comments in places about the strongest withdrawal symptoms tapering off this week. We'll see.

For now I'll just keep documenting here, and in my journal, what I am seeing and feeling. I am more hopeful now that she can be turned back, as she is seeing the things in me that first attracted her too me. I'll continue doing things for me and finding little opportunities to score the right kind of points with her without her feeling I'm needy. So far that's been working the best. A little plan A mixed in with 180, that is. Thanks for all the support and help.

Cool, calm, and collected.

This is a rollercoaster, and if you let the little glints lift you too much, it makes those drops that much harder.

Those flashes are crackers, not a steak dinner, OK?

Consistency.

Oh, trust me, I know! But yesterday was the first true breakthrough. Her demeanor was just completely different. She later "liked" a song on FB about "Not Ready to Make nice" and mentioned it to her enabler. So she still has the fog going on. No doubt. But the change is the first time I have felt that there is any hope in turning her back around. The rest of the time, I've felt like I am swimming upstream against a strong river.

I expect at some point she will revert, and then bounce back to this state again. I'm ready for it. Progress is progress, even if I know a there will be some more steps back.

Thanks.

Can a moderator delete the duplicate posts here. I have no idea how these re-posted like this and I could only go into Edit on one of them and delete that particular duplicate.

Falconrap, your multiple posts have been removed. Please check your computer settings to address any issues that may be causing your multiple posts.

As expected, my WW came home yesterday a little down then watched a movie that she associates with the OM. So far he hasn't contacted her, and even avoided contacting her enabling cousin who tried to get a response from him. Clearly he never loved her and has decided to move on (considering his circumstances, this was never a shock to me, as it seems they didn't actually consummate anything - based on multiple communications I've now seen). But she was sobbing last night and not very talkative. She had stopped putting "inspirational" quotes on FB until today. It has nearly been 3 weeks since exposure, so I've been expecting the roller coaster, especially now. Don't know if anyone has any thoughts about what signs to look for to indicate the fog is lifting. I know she has blocked a number of positive memories she had with me (and some negative ones). I've put a timeline of end of October to see clear change and an agreement to work on our marriage before I plan B her. Thankfully, I'm functioning pretty well now and it's not getting to me all that much as it was before exposure.

The biggest problem I have right now is her two enablers continue to enable. Her enabling cousin has no problem calling me this and that, but at the same time hedging her bets by saying things like "it may not be the best thing for you" (going to the OM) or "you have to have faith that what is supposed to happen will" and other such nonsense. If I was the type to hit women I'd give her a good slap if I ever saw her, but I'm not. Just wish my wife would see that advise from a woman who divorced young and can't keep a long term relationship with a man going after 20 years of adulthood is not the best person to be getting relationship advice from!

Any other thoughts, suggestions, signs to look for, et al, are welcome.

Can you call the enabling cousin's parents and tell them what's going on?

Oh, you're going to love this. The enabler's mom was divorced when the enabler was young, and the lady has already disagreed with MIL about this situation and what I am trying to do. So...no...won't do any good. It's sad to see first hand what divorce can do to children that parents don't realize (i.e. Make them more prone to long term relationship issues). Having come from a family where my mom wasn't around often, I know first hand what it did to my ability to communicate with my wife, as well as the impact it used to have on my self-esteem. Her enabling co-worker is on her third marriage and tells the WS that her kids are just fine (rolling my eyes as I type this).

I can't really do much about either, unfortunately. All though I hear helll has a nice toasty warm spit waiting for those who enable cheaters.

LOL. I laughed when I read this.
My wife was also posting @inspirational" crap in Facebook. During the affair and false recovery.

It's like I'm watching the wayward script pass by me via teleprompter. It's gotten to the point where I can almost tell what she'll' be doing next. It's more a matter of when. Last night and this morning the "nice" woman came back out. The more I am nice around her, but not going out of my way, the more she seems content around me, which seems to be a good way to set her up for plan B if she doesn't shake this thing off on her own. In the end, all I can hope for is that she starts remembering the good times we had, instead of blocking those memories. If not, our marriage may be toast.

It's really interesting to see how delusional she is about the OM. Apparently she's hoping she can just show up at his door and he'll take her in. Sometimes women can really be naive with men. It's more likely she show up more likely she'll show up and his new girlfriend will answer the door. She can't seriously believe that a guy, who viewed her as his sure thing rebound girl, is going to wait another 6 months to a year for her to just show up at is door? A guy that already dumped her once? Who had been backing off in communications with her a number of times before exposure? I wouldn't be surprised if he was already playing the field and hedging his bets.

That is precisely what you want, FR. You want her to enjoy this good you that you are putting forward. Be nice, be positive, be the best darn husband there is! Until Plan B when you cut her off.

And I would take that wager about his playing the field but I don't take sucker bets.

"I want to date a loser. He's cheated and dumped me before but he'll change. I'm different!"

Where is that "he's different/I'm special" post? Can someone link to it?