Are you blaming exposure for your marriage ending instead of the actual fact that your WW chose her OM and her affair?

Sorry she chose to stay in the pigpen and then rationalize and rewrite history to blame you. What's sad is that you're buying it.

Why don't you email Dr. Harley and tell him his methods don't work? He supports people to write him, if they disagree with him.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Exposure does more than simply expose the affair, it exposes the character of the wayward spouse.

After the initial anger, if they are still unwilling to end the affair, even when "everyone" knows about it, you have your answer regarding their character.

Exposure is not a problem, it's a tool and it helps uncover the true nature of the spouse, their affair partners, your family, her family, your church or other groups that may be in the range of your exposure.

But one cannot attribute the failure of a marriage to exposure. As others have said, a spouse who is committed to repairing her marriage will move heaven and earth.

One who simply doesn't regard her vows or what her affair is doing to those around her will simply demonstrate their true stripes when the light of exposure illuminates them.

My ex-wife was unwilling to end her affair after my exposure to her family, the OM's wife, his workplace to let them know he was having an affair and possibly traveling to this area on their money to keep the affair going, to his alumni association and anywhere else I could find him on the Web in 2003-2004, our church, WW's friends, etc.

Didn't seem to matter to her. She was done, and in her mind, even today, she didn't have an affair. So while she was sleeping with another man while married, she simply told herself that it wasn't an affair and what she did was perfectly fine.

I'm far better off without her.

Quick t/j, here: Mrs. W, so nice to see your posts! I've missed you for the last few weeks (I'm assuming you've been busy with the fam.)

Your input on this thread regarding a WW's thoughts is invaluable.

Okay, back to the thread topic

Still, you are living in fear, and have been throughout this ordeal. Think about it: "Think about this method of exposure very carefully before doing this" is what you said. FaceBook exposure is exposure; the same reasoning you are levelling could apply to exposure to an employer, a friend, family, children...ad nauseum. Because any unremorseful wayward who isn't coming home will latch onto that exposure as their reason for leaving the marriage.

Bottom line: what you're really saying is that any exposure is bad. In your case, you feel the 'bad' exposure was FaceBook. This is a terrible disservice to spouses who are trying to save their marriage! The positive effect of exposure in killing an affair has been proven over and over and over on this site. (My sitch is an example: the A was killed THAT DAY.)

By the way, where are you, now that you've shown up long enough to blame MB for your reluctance to do the heavy lifting of kicking the affair in the teeth with exposure?

SW, I sincerely want to apologize to you. I hit you from so many different directions I can't even remember. I know I was so hard on you at one point that I felt the need to apologize to you because I thought I was out of line. Well, I wasn't. My instincts were correct then, and I'm pretty sure they are now. Nothing has changed. I wasn't as MB educated back then (or at least I thought I wasn't), but the instincts about you were just fine. I am just completely baffled as to why you would come back 3 months later and try to "educate" people on the downfalls of the methods that you refused to fully implement yourself. This really bothers me, as I'm sure you noticed in my immediate response to your post this morning. Great timing, huh?

You are at a place where nothing you can do will make anything worse than what it is right now. I begged you to expose this POS for what he is, and you never would answer me truthfully why you wouldn't. You hemmed and hawed around dis, dat, and de udder ting, but you never revealed why you refused to do everything to save your marriage. And by everything, I mean exposing the OM for the POS he is.

WHY?

Contrary to your possible personal opinion of me, I actually do care about you, your marriage and your life. Hell, why else would I be here?

Are you ready to do something yet, and if not, why not?

Seriously pal, what do you have to lose at this point?

Release your fear and fight.

Still seems to have left the stadium. Too bad. I had some more questions for him.

Nah, he'll be back. Just a hunch. Hope so anyway. As far as questions go, I would like an honest answer to the one I've asked him countless times before. Pretty sure I know the answer, but I want to hear it from him.

The problem is that his reality is saying different things because he is dealing with people that aren't MB educated. All of us are online and he can't directly reach out to us to help him. He has to come on here and read the advice that's given, try it and then listen to what the people he knows has to say about it. I get it. Those people may or may not be telling him the right things and him coming here gives him questions as to what is good and what is bad advice. I know it is hard when all of the people on your side are people that have never met you personally. You have to have faith and believe that these people are only trying to help.

Exactly. Also how many people who IRL have never dealt with infidelity and then give horrible advice. Everyone on here has been there.

G, this could be true, but I just don't personally buy into it. Believe me, I would love to because that would make things easier, but I just don't buy it. If what you are saying is true he never would've exposed his wife the way he did via FB and phone calls. He listened and implemented everything that was suggested here on everyone except the POSOM. This thread is what prompted me to tell anyone that if you are going to expose, go balls to the wall, or not at all. Half assed is worse than no [censored] in regards to exposure. Go all out or not at all. Otherwise, it will bite you in the butt every single time.

SW is living proof of that reality.

I agree with the exposure. I'm just saying I understand the feeling of having all of your supporters and good people with the tools to help you on a Marriage Builders web site and all of the negative people who don't know anything about saving marriages in person. It's a terrible feeling because you want to direct everyone to come to this site and learn what marriages should be instead of what they think they should be. I know the difference and I cut out those negative people from my life. You either support me and my efforts or take a hike. It's because of the methods that are taught here that have helped me on my journey. I don't blame FB exposure for my WXW not coming back to the marriage. I blame her and her actions and the people around her for not supporting us. If I'm wrong and SW doesn't feel the way I've described, then I'll shut up.

Everyone,

I don't want to get into any more arguments or waste anyone's time on this site. There's people out there that need your help to try and save their marriages.

I do appreciate the help I've received from everyone here. I'm positive that had I found MB immediately after DDay AND applied the knowledge and techniques I learned here, that there is a very good chance I may have saved my marriage. I'm not sorry that I exposed on FB, perhaps I'm just sorry that I didn't have the knowledge so I could have done it sooner.

BTW, my divorce was final today.

I'm still a firm believer in karma and that my ex-wife will at some point have to deal with what she did to her kids, husband, and family.

Son was pissed at her. She texted him asking how his day was going and he let her have it (I had just got home and told him the divorce was final). She then said "Well what did you expect?" Shen then went on saying to him that she doesn't matter to him anyway. So in the midst of his anger for the finalization of the divorce, she still had the nerve to act like a victim to to her son!

I don't believe my daughter is too happy with this. I still think she is holding in or ignoring the reality of it all.

No hope for my ex-wife..

Thank you again everyone. I know you where just kicking my butt to help me.

SW

Sorry for your divorce.

I hope you and your children will heal, friend.

Thank you! I think we will be ok. I will check this site from time to time. I'm sure I'll need some advice somewhere along the line on what to do since this will all be new to me.

This place is very essential for personal healing. If you live the MB principles you will be a healed person.

MB might not be able to save every marriage, but if the concepts are applied they CAN save everyone.

True.

As I mentioned to someone else, I'm just going to let my feelings play out. Not rush anything or fake anything. Just let things unravel over time and I think I'll be fine.

If I need to post this in another forum, please let me know.

Something I need to ask people. But first I want to say that I am slowly making the effort to push forward. I was doing good moving on and I knew that when/if it came down to the divorce being finalized that I would have a whole other set of feelings to work through. That's what I'm working through now.

But my question to you is what is the 'success' rate for second marriages that are born out of an affair. Yes, I've heard that she's already planning her wedding to this other man. Not that I didn't expect it, but didn't think she would be planning to get married as soon as she was legally able (have to wait 6 months in WI).

I've read that 2nd marriages have a 60+% chance of failing and that a 2nd marriage born out of an affair is even higher.

So I'm looking for collective experience of what people have heard about, seen, read, experienced, when it comes to these types of remarriages. I think I've heard of them called affairages. Even though the guy she's seeing was divorced (by my estimates he was divorced less than 9 months when they met - so whether he properly processed his 22 year marriage ending is unknown), in my mind he still cheated with a married woman and obviously she did. I know there are success stories out there for these types of marriages, but I've heard those are not the norm. Especially with so much baggage that is brought into the marriage and unresolved feelings, issues, guilt, blended families, etc.

Please, please don't think that I'm just sitting here dwelling on this, I'm not. Some of you may think, why do I care. I know this is a question that I need answered in order to at least feel somewhat vindicated for what she did to the kids and me. To know that she will have to deal with this at some point, that a remarriage of this type is not all a bed of roses, that she did not take the time to grieve her marriage before jumping into a new one.

This will help me move forward knowing that there is some type of justice out there. Even if it's just a statistic, it will help.

So any information on these 'affairages' would be appreciated.

It really would help me right now.

Thank you.

Here. Affairages-A Must Read: by Dr. Harley

Also here are some radio clips on affairages.
Affairage:Radio clips

Here's another good thread.
What you will get if you Marry your Affair Partner