You need your H to step up and take responsibility and not just let the ball be in your court. That's what your plan B is supposed to be doing, right? If so then you have to quit casting your line hoping to reel him in. Let him come to you.

I have to say, I'm still confused on the exact plan here.

I get impatient and almost angry because I feel like he is wasting my life while I wait in limbo. For instance,sex...one day menopause will be here and I'd like to enjoy this time in my life now having great sex. Another is my being able to work. Because his occupation has such strange hours I can't work a normal job, not if I want to see him. Basically I have spent my marriage living with his weekend and the kids weekend and smashing my stuff into about 3 days.

I gave up a lot to save the marriage and to raise our special needs child and now I am feeling super jipped (sp?) and have absolutely no patience left at all.

I didn't really plan for divorce. I was suppose to grow old with him. I put most all my eggs in that basket. I invested so much and he is throwing it all a way.

His idea of how to get me back is everything except what I need. For instance after I left he threw himself into his routine plus he started fixing up the house. We bought a fixer upper and the list of things we could do was long..yet he wouldn't do them with me or even help me in making decisions of how to do them...so after D day I decided I would do nothing more without him and threw myself into volunteering instead. After I left he did it ALONE!!!! He is such an independent person until it comes to wanting intimacy. It is not fair !!!! What is more is he didn't tell me, ask me...he painted a wall the drywaller advised me to be sure and not paint until it was floated properly otherwise it would cost us more in the end. He never coordinated. If you ask him something he tries to make me look weak..and tells me I should be able to make the decision without him...but really I am seeing he doens't want any blame for a wrong decision. He actually told me that once. I told him if we do POJA and mess up we do it together and I will not blame him, we will learn and go forward together. I think I heard on MB radio once that this is called passive aggressive. He can't seem to fathom a win win for us with POJA. It is either my way "Okay okay, do what you want" or HIS way by default bc he simply ignores me and won't make a decision, so we do his choice, which is do nothing, by default, which is basically him getting his way.

His brother is like him. He has now been divorced twice (they are the only ones out of a family of 14 aunts and unlces plus all their kids to get a divorce or be near to divorce like he it right now). The counselor said his brother was like a spectator watching his life go by on a stage and he wouldn't take part. If I do nothing I am afraid nothing will happen. I don't really believe in divorce and don't want to ask for it. But this doing nothing stuff is making me insane.

I apologize to all. I should never have posted in this area of recovery. I was so optimistic this plan b would work. SH said that at worst it might show me that I am working on something that doesn't exist and doing plan b may end up letting me fully realize that... let me know it is time to stop investing. SH did not say those exact words...i can't remember how he said it...I didn't want to memorize that part of the plan b bc I was optimistic it wouldn't go that way. But that is the gist of what he meant. I am so so sad. I was really a great wife under the circumstances. I did fight for my love. I stayed in plan A for 10 months while he lingered in withdrawals. I don't know why but I still love him and it will take a lot to get over missing the good parts about him...I just can't stay on this roller coaster ride any longer. It hurts too much. It is making me a person that I don't won't to be.

H finally answered back a text and many phone calls from us...because we needed his help with something (He IS still a dad) His answer after we should all be in bed was
"Sorry...Packers won close game...blah blah blah"

He had talked to SH and seemed to understand what was going on. He started talks with me. I waited since he was working this weekend...thinking he was also busy packing for us. He never finished our conversation about how to go forward. He thought football was more important. He didn't use to watch this much football...he is a bronco's fan...the packers aren't even a team I use to hear him talk about much.

Me: "This is ridiculous. Let's just get a divorce. Obviously u have no intention on working on the marriage or recovering our family. I am done."

H: "Sorry.. I was at the gym." (so he could watch the game on cable since we don't have it at home)

Me: "Too late for any more sorries. I invested way too much and u don't care. Ur actions prove it over and over again. I need to stop investing before it kills me. I'm filing."

Blue, I can certainly understand why you are ready to file.

It seems to me the reason your "plan B" isn't working because you are continuously chasing him instead of letting him come to you.

Now, I have no knowledge of this other kind of plan B but I do believe I get the gist of the intentions of it. It's basically to get H to miss his life and come sniffing around for it. However, as much as you text him, bring up the marriage, ask him questions (even unrelated about the marriage) you have given him no reason to miss the marriage at all. Instead, you and the girls should be living your life to the fullest.

In essence, this plan B has been too much about you putting your life on hold trying to make him come around. It SHOULD be about you getting a new life - without him - for your OWN benefit. AND, in doing so, there was hope that he would understand what he is missing out on and it would draw him in.

I'm just going off your statements about "tired of putting your life on hold," etc... That doesn't sound like any kind of plan B. Don't put your life on hold; live it - and live it well. Stop contacting your WH; stop bringing up the relationship; don't go to him for help.

If SH advised you to be in contact it's as has been stated previously - not a constant thing.

The more you chase your H as you have been, the more he's just going to stay exactly where he is at mentally.

You say you're done but I'm not sure if you are really done or if you are just exasperated. In either case, what matters now are your actions. Sounds to me like it's beyond time for a REAL plan B - and not as a tactic to win him back but to save yourself.

I'm sorry you are at this point.

Yes all you have said is true. The first time I did plan b for him to get over his withdrawls...it was house sitting down the street. I didn't care what he did...he had made so many withdraws
I was done. I was happy there... I started living again...I was able to pop over to MY house to get or do whatever I wanted while he was at work. I didn't have to coordinate the kids really...they could ask him their selves. At the end of summer after doing porn addiction program he changed and pulled me back in....

This time I am not happy. I was okay this summer but after school started I am not happy. At first I started missing him and found it true that being away helped to preserve my love for him. Now, since that is NOT what happened on his side, I feel angry. Angry that he is at home and we are here. I brought nothing and setting up a new house for me a the kids was REALLY hard. I WANT my dogs but left them there bc I knew most rentals wouldn't take them. He is TOO comfortable in a place he doesn't deserve.

I can't seem to get happy with this plan b like I did the first one in 2009. Why do I feel so helpless this time? For one thing I have no tools.I can't do any projects. I am not in my woodworking class. I don't even have my fixer up house to do wood working on. I am not doing my normal volunteer jobs...and I can't get excited about being here...back home near family and friends. At this point I am not open for this new place to make any deposits. For some reason i shut down.

Problem is my kids are loving it and don't won't to go back home (maybe one does on some days). I am getting really confused. I feel that I NEED to file to force myself to separate email, credit cards, finances, to force myself to move on. It sure would have been easier if I had moved on in 2009. Not fair he didn't keep up his end of the deal.

I used to be much stronger than this...not being able to find a PT job for 3 yrs (and I have a degree!) , plus dealing with him, plus some other complications has done their tole on me. After school started here, I got email offers for 4 jobs! Why did that happen AFTER I left?!

I am drowning. Two days ago I was up and now I am drowning. This is just not fair. I feel I am suffering the consequences instead of him. Any route I choose will be hard for me (and the kids)...to stay here or to go back. If I keep this up I will need anti depressants. I really think if I could get a mind set change I could get out of this horrible funk I have slipped into. I can't even pray. I am just mad and closed and hurting.

It all started with a friend here wanting to "help" me....Prior to her wanting to "help" me I had put my energy into jumping into life, helping others. With her I spent a whole day crying and reliving the whole ugly ordeal and her giving me her opinion based on her divorcing her husband who physically abused her. It really brought me down and I can't seem to recover. Plus I feel like avoiding her and everyone that "knows" my situation...I have basically gone into seclusion and really prefer to be with people (in person) who don't know and don't try to "help" me.

I am trying to get this stuff all out and somewhat organized so that tomorrow I have my questions narrowed down and ready. I will be using #3 or #4 of 5 sessions package I purchased. I am angry I have to use it on steps towards divorce and my own recovery instead of recovering our marriage. This is not suppose to be happening. I've traveled so far ....to end up at such a crummy destination. I am in deep grief.

I didn't mean I am closed to those on the board. Although it might not always seem like it, I do take most of what you all say to heart and it helps me focus, wean down my questions, and relay the hard questions that you all ask me, during my marriage coaching sessions.

blueskies, I wholeheartedly agree with SunnyD. It's time focus on what YOU want to happen in your life. Without a WH to hold you back.

Get on with yor life and start living.

You know, it's probable that you should not have moved out but asked him to leave since he was not vested in the marriage or putting the work in. But - it's too late to go back now.

You need to decide what is best for you and the girls and to make a real plan. If it's staying where you are, get involved there locally and make your life what you want it to be. It'll take some time, but it can be done.

There's nothing wrong with taking some ADs short term til you get on your game mentally.

Be careful who you let advise you IRL about your situation. Lots of people have opinions and good intentions, but they don't know what they're talking about in a lot of cases. It's good to have support, of course, but support is different that a dozen people telling you what they'd do in your circumstances. Better stick to here and good counsel with SH - coming up with a plan of action that puts you back in control of your own destiny.

I wanted to be married happily to him. Any of those jobs would have been fine too plus my hobbies and volunteering. I have to find out what i want now...none of that is here in another state. I need to decide where I and the girls should live. Him in our home and us in a little rental is not okay.

He texted this:
"You emailed dad to talk me into the appointment with Steve? Dad said he called the girls....."

My reply: notta

My actions: It is no longer OUR email account. pw is changed.

all correct advice. thanks

I went back and looked at the original plan b links folks had sent me...the one to get husband out of an affair.

Although I don't think it is my situation that my h is in an affair..I do think for my own sake I will need to follow parts of it for my own recovery. I will need to find an IM and follow the rules about parallel parenting.

I have no one I feel good about asking to be my IM. Where do I start?

Also should I switch to a more correct forum ?

Geez...I am like a 12 yr old I am so lost. This is not really me is it? I am not a weak person. This is not suppose to happen to me. We had an awesome family..people respected us. Now I am a soon to be divorced or at least seperated, single mom. Unbelievable.

good job blueskies. He knows the path, let him find it.

Well, you could request that he move out of the home; that the girls need stability and their long-term home is best. He will argue (I'm sure) that you are the one that left. I don't if that matters legally; you should consult an attorney in regards to laws in NM. You can claim it was a temporary move to try and resolve some issues. After all, it is HE that refuses to do the work.

Consulting an attorney should be on your agenda to do RIGHT AWAY. Find out what your rights are to your home first and foremost. That will help you start planning for YOUR life ahead.

What did he mean in the text by you consulting Dad? His dad?

If you did contact his father to try and talk some sense into him that's understandable. Just know that your second order of business, after consulting the attorney, is to stop chasing him in any fashion; stop trying to get through to him that he needs to make this happen. The more you chase him the more he runs.

I have an illustration that I've used with people before that might help you here. One of my dogs LOVES to get out of the house/yard. She escapes and just bolts down the street. For the longest time I would chase after her to catch her but she'd just run and run - further and further away. It would literally take me trapping her to finally catch her and drag her home - only for her to escape again at a later date. One day, I was injured and I couldn't chase her when she got out. No one was home but me. I called my H at work and he said, "Sunny, she knows the way home... She does this and she knows you will come after her - and she has no motivation to come back when you call her because she's more interested in what she wants to go do than being caught by you and drug back to the house." SO...I went inside and closed the door. 30 minutes later, guess who was on the front door step?! When she finally figured out I wasn't going to chase her and she was thirsty and tired... she came back all on her own. I opened the door and she went straight for the water bowl. She didn't escape again for a long time - but when she did - she got the same treatment. Now, she doesn't even try.

You get the idea, I'm sure. The sad part is, she's a dog: she could get hit by a car or something else happen and I would feel terrible.... (we don't live in a high traffic area though, thankfully) At least your H has a brain and SHOULD be a responsible adult! RQ is right: he knows the path home!

What do you mean by following "parts" of plan B? You may not be trying to get him out of an A, but you are aiming for personal recovery. This is what I don't get about this being a "different" plan B. Plan B is for PERSONAL recovery with a POSSIBLE side effect of having the WS come around. That sounds to me like Plan B = Plan B = Plan B. However, there is the component if a WS is in an active A that you are also forcing the OP to meet all of the WS's needs and vice versa. That part would not apply here.

Definitely follow the rules about parallel parenting. You don't have a family member you would trust to be your IM?

As for switching forums, you can ask a mod to move your thread. You may get better support in SAA and you will need it in Plan B.

I know all of us BS's have felt what you are going through: this can't be happening, etc... It's all part of the process, unfortunately.

You never know: if you TRULY go into Plan B it might just be that as a side effect your H comes around and is truly remorseful and repentant. However, that cannot be your guiding force right now.

Last night he texted many questions asking where to find items on our winter packing list (for him to send to us).

Finally he said will you just call. I did. Mood was polite business as he traveled through the house looking for items. It was so painful for me.....I want to be in the house!!!!

No talk about anything else.

He will leave with no complaint from the house...if we come back to NM.

I will just go downtown to a legal copy store and get the legal document for separation and do it. If there is a booklet I will follow it. I have done this for other things like a revocable trust, real estate....getting an attorney usually escalates the whole ordeal until it is out of our hands and in the attorney's hands.

Re: his dad. On the first page of this thread I posted the email I sent to his dad asking him if he could encourage h to speak to SH so we can figure out how to proceed for the future. H read it from the sent box of our gmail account. Now he has no access.

He isn't a normal dog. Neither was his brother. I left in June and there was little contact. This is nearly Oct and I am pushing on this door until it opens either to recovery or separation/divorce.

I was asked to run in a race for as long as I could...I have run out of steam...I need to see some kind of mid point in this race either start recovery program or start recovery after D/legal separation.

blueskies, it seems you have no understanding of Plan B at all. Have you read the book, Surviving an Affair?

And doesn't your husband work with the OW? if so, then how can you say you don't if the affair is on or off? Obviously if they work together, the affair is on.

Why exactly are you separated? Is it because he still works with her?

Here are my questions for SH:

If I did nothing he would do nothing with the justification that:
1. he can't work on recovery with me in another state
2. She left me, I asked her to stay ( in a marriage where i can't tell her I love her and won't do POJO or UA)

Eventually he might want to remarry. With the intoxication of new love he might eventually file for D and depending on the influence of the new OW he might feel he wants to care for the girls but that I deserve nothing since I am the one who "left"

If I file separation I still have hope and am vulnerable to above scenario. If I file D I think I deserve to have the retirement I should have had before he decided to have an A. I invested a lot of energy into taking care of our family and our special needs child...I put my career to the side early on when I realized his schedule and me having a normal working schedule would never work.

I don't want this process to make me bitter and mean. I have had thoughts of cutting him out of credit cards that originally I signed up for both of us. Then I remember that we totally depend on him financially.

Finances: We both saw a financial planner last May. She was fair toward both of our views and we both liked her. She brought us together on a financial decision. I feel like it would be best to have her come up with a plan of how to decide finances and how to decide who gets what so that we both have a fair retirement. If she can't she can tell us who can. I don't want lawyers bickering or planting thoughts of greed to either of us.

Kids: If I stay here he may want them for vacations. That would make me crazy.I do all the hard work and he gets to enjoy them on vacation. I want them to have a dad but it is not fair I get the short end of the stick.

Location: I feel if i stay here I may eventually make a life for myself but it is an uphill battle. If I go back I feel I have more control...a job...my house...but I have to deal with him still going to our church. Me having to find another church and let him stay is NOT an option.

School: If I stay here they get an okay edu and the social life they are in love with. Small town and strong church means they can ride there bike anywhere and hang out with swim and church friends like they have NEVER experienced before. But school is lonely and not nearly as good but okay.

If we go back they get higher quality edu at a pri$$$ The swim team is much better quality at a cost. School is delightful but since it is private is much harder to hang out with friends scattered all through a bigger city. I have to say my girls are as impressive as they are because of the edu they received from me and then the school. The kids they are now with at public school have no idea what they are missing and the heights they could soar. The girls think it is sad students don't care and realize at their old school it was cool to be smart. Of course there are kids in public who soar regardless but i know if mine had only known this public school they would just be above avg.

IM: I can't imagine of how to find an IM who is non partial and who would do all the work they need to do for free. Anyone who would be any good at it would already be busy with their own life. I am just not getting how people find such a person.

Please do not talk about divorce with him anymore.
You are bouncing your ideas off of him. You can't do that in divorce. In divorce you bounce your ideas off of your attorney.

The IM doesn't have to be non-partial, she just has to agree to remain neutral in her dealings with him and agree to just act as a spam filter. It is the easiest job in the world. All she does is pass on pertinent information about your kids or your finances. Do you have a friend or family member who would do this?

As far as the rest of it, it sounds to me like you need a Marriage Builders plan. Can you answer my questions?