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We all understand you want to somehow make this easier on yourself when you tell her. I would encourage you to instead focus on making amends to your victim and stop the same behaviors (lying, selfishness) that lead to your having this affair.
Every day that you continue to deceive her is like adding insult to injury. The longer you wait, the more angry she will be that you manipulated her. It's the lies and the deception that hurt the most. Please don't be this cruel, threshold. Tell her TODAY.
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I concur, tell her now.
My H told me about his PA in the evening, after the kids went to bed. The following day I was to travel to my hometown and RUN my 20 yr class reunion (I was in charge and had all the materials, money, etc. for everything). I ended up throwing up from about an hour after he told me until 1:00 the next day. I was praying for God to just let me stop throwing up so I didn't let my whole HS class down. He answered my prayers and I somehow managed a smile on my face for the whole weekend, with my H by my side. Ideal? Nope. There is NO IDEAL TIME. There will always be some reason that it is a bad time. But if H hadn't told me then, maybe he would have lost his nerve and never told me, or tried to pass a poly without telling me, or whatever, and who knows where we would be.
A lot can happen in 3 weeks. OW's BH could call your wife. OW herself could call your wife. Your wife could stumble across one of the minute traces of your A that you worked so hard to cover up. OW could try to contact you and send you into the fog again. The little devil on your shoulder could convince you that hey, what about you, you come first so you need to protect you!
You are making the right choice! And I commend you for not running away from this.
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What can you do to make it easier on her? Well it will cut her like a knife, no matter how you tell her.
You can tell her everything, answer every question she has. Including everything you know about the OW. Do not try to hide anything, 'protect' her from hurtful things, and for goodness sake do NOT try to protect this skanky OW!!!
You could also direct her to this site, and then stay away from what she posts. This will devastate her, and she needs support. Encourage her to seek it, from this forum, from her family, from her friends. Do not expect her to keep your dirty little secret, so that you save face from the shame of adultery.
That's a good start.
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BTW, it is pretty clear from your first post that you are still getting hits off the crack pipe/infatuated with OW. This is why Dr Harley says "reality helps" and is such an advocate for exposure.
Once you tell your BW and can fully realize that you built your affair and feelings for OW on the back of BW's pain, it will help you to burst some of the fantasy bubble & infatuation...
Last edited by SusieQ; 09/21/12 04:05 PM.
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Again, I'm not yelling at you, Threshold.
Waiting 3 weeks to tell your wife = 3 more weeks of deception & cover-up.
You might think it will look to your wife as "He wanted to make it as easy as possible on me, so I'll at least give him credit for that much."
But you're mistaken. Here's how it will appear to her instead:
"He maintained his deception until now." ["Now" being 3 weeks hence, according to your plan.] "He says he wanted to have the STD results in-hand; he did this to make it easier on himself, because he knew before he had the test results and yet didn't tell me then that I could've been in danger! And he waited until this stupid getaway, which is now ruined, so that I would be trapped with him, away from any possible source of support, and away from my children!"
Threshold, can you really not see this for yourself until I point it out for you?
For a guy who only 2 days ago was so fogged out & desperate for contact with his affair-partner that he came here seeking advice on wrirting her a letter, a guy who still hasn't changed his e-mail & cell numbers that he used in the course of the affair, you're in need of something crucial that the act of telling your wife will provide for you & which can be a great gift: A measure of external accountability.
The reason you need external accountability is that you have none at this moment. You're still too wayward-minded to ascertain very basic, predictable consequences & outcomes (such as the above); still crippled when it comes to the ability to empathize with your wife.
However, once you've told her, you'll have taken a stand, roped yourself to the mainmast, declared there'll be no going back to the mess that you got into. You need that.
You need for her to know.
And anyway, it's her right. The truth is her right. By what values system on this earth or anyplace else in this universe do you consider yourself so superior to her that you feel you have any standing whatsoever to arrogate that right for yourself and deny it to her? What's your answer to that question, Threshold? It's not a rhetorical question; so what is your answer?
So, I'm done whispering at you. I don't want your thanks, I want your attention. I'll have nothing further to say to you until you're done with your coverup. Until that's finished, the process of rescuing & perhaps restoring and revitalizing your marriage can't even begin.
Sleep well.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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But you're mistaken. Here's how it will appear to her instead:
"He maintained his deception until now." THIS. This is exactly what she will think. Threshold, you're already late. Don't take your wife somewhere special in order to kick the legs out from under her. If my H had done that to me, I would have triggered every time we planned to go somewhere 'special' afterward. Tell her NOW. Your trip may not pan out after that. And that's okay. That will come if she decides to stay with you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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...Anyone have any best practices for what to try to say to somehow make my confession coherent and less painful for BW? I know it has to come from the heart and it will but if anyone has anything that might help here I would appreciate it. ...
But each day you wait cheapens whatever you say. Because doing means more than saying. Actions, not words, are what will matter most for you now.
Sleep well.
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We haven't heard from you in a while Threshold. Did you tell your wife ?
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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I love that American phrase "take a wild guess".
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I love that American phrase "take a wild guess". I'm wildly guessing that he ducked and ran. It's just so darned difficult for a wayward to tell the truth to their spouse, you know? Poor things... 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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