I have a thread on TAM, but wanted to come here and get expert advice on the period after exposure, as it seems to be more the unknown on the other board. So let me catch you all up on what happened to me, and where I am currently at.

8/12/12 was the ILYBNILWY bomb drop day. At the moment, I was stunned, and thought she might be having an affair, but she denied. Said she was unhappy being with me the whole time we were married. That she "settled" for me, but that she had always had thoughts of her HS ex. At first I denied to myself, believing she wasn't the type, and that she didn't seem to be hiding anything. Hi...I'm a dumb a**!

For the next two weeks I started working out and taking the kids out more often. Doing the 180 man-up stuff. Reading books (started with Married Man's Sex Life, moved on to the 5 Love Languages, and His Needs; Her Needs). Even made a proposal at the time (before I knew all of this WS fog babble) to have her list her grievances with me and what she would want in her ideal marriage; I.e. Give me a hint to what I did wrong and what you need for me so I can do it! Of course she denied that to me and mentioned that we should get a divorce.

9/1/12 She admitted to having some communications with the guy, which made me mad, but I just gave her an calm ear ful about what I could offer and how she betrayed my trust and our vows. Yeah...I know...but I didn't know back then. So now I'm thinking "she lied about this...what else?" and started going through her email via a proxy I set up so that her iPhone would send and receive her home email. She thinks I hacked her email, and her enabling cousin thinks I did something illegal. She knew I set this up and had the passwords. She doesn't know that I CAN hack her iPhone and get all of her info, but haven't done it. I just opened her back-up.

9/2/12 Anyway, the first thing I saw was an FB chat that went through this proxy and stated that she had met up with him back in May when she went up north. It was one meeting, and I've since seen communications that indicate that they may not have actually gone physical, at least sexually, but I don't know if I'll ever be certain. In any case, I had plenty of proof and informed the FIL and MIL who were devastated by the news, but I told them to wait until I exposed. I hunted down the perps name and email address, which took some work, and then setup exposure for 9/9. Luckily the guy turned out to be a kids counselor in the prison system up there, and had just recently divorced, with two kids, from a wife that had cheated on him. Basically, he was prime bolting POSOM material. The sick part is this guy was my WS' old HS bo, who then cheated on her and dumped her when she was in college, later marrying. Feel the love man!

9/9 So exposure day came and out went the emails to key friends and family of the WS and to POSOM. The dirt bag received a call from the FIL just as my emails went out (I got his cell from the WS' phone). After the call and my email the POS folded like a cheap tent and bolted, as expected (she was his sure thing rebound chick, but she became WAY too much trouble when others got involved - he thought he could just lay low until the divorce happened). From what I have seen, and what she has written to her, soon to rot in h_ll enabling cousin, communications appear to have completely stopped on his end. She was mad as heck at me. Won't talk to her parents (used to talk to them every week - she was very close to them). She's only listening to her enablers.

So now, the past week and a half has come through and her fury at me subsided, but she is still frustrated with me and is apparently crying nightly, feeling being alone is her only way out of her so "unhappy" marriage. She even admitted to me that I've been great and didn't deserve this. She kept struggling to come up with definitive reasons for why she was unhappy with me and never could be no matter what I did. She just sent a letter to her parents telling them off for caring about her and what happens to the kids. She thinks all of these other people whose kids went through this came out fine (being from a broken family, I may be "fine" but the scars are deep and kids of divorced parents tend to be more problematic and have long term relationship issues). She's generally being nice to me, but sent me a text today telling me how we needed to discuss what funding I needed in our joint account because her new account is going to get her full pay deposit. The state I live in splits all assets and debts 50/50 and this kind of stuff can be a liability to her if she does anything stupid. It's also a no-fault time-sharing state where moral actions (like affairs) can be used against the offending spouse to determine primary sharing. She is totally clueless of her consequences, but thinks she's thought them through.

At this point, I'm looking for advice on how to deal with her long term. She doesn't want to spend time with me, and I believe quality time is her primary need. I've fit it in where I could, but she likes to sit in our D's room to put her to sleep and read on her iPhone for a good while. I've continued to just do my thing and take the kids places, and basically letting her know that we are going and that she can join if she wishes, but she doesn't. I know I am in for a long haul here, but wonder if you fine folks have any suggestions on specific things I can try to do to get he to slowly pull away from the pod people and start coming back around?

Thanks for any advice you give.

Welcome, falcon. Question, please: is OM married?

Your WW is going through withdrawal. Think 'Exorcist'. She's going to say things that are totally out there.

How old are your children? They need to know about their mother's affair. That depends. Do you want to stay with her?

Has all contact ended with the OM? I would check on that first. Make sure there is no contact at all and if he even breathes her way, unleash a can of Texas of whoopass on him. You should be using every snooping technique known to mankind without her knowing. And bravo to you for your super exposure! It sounds to me like you ran this POSOM off!

The next thing that should happen is that you should lead your marriage out of the ditch. Put aside all those other bad marriage books and get the only one that has a plan, Surviving and Affair. Here is one of my posts about next steps after exposure:

20 hours of undivided attention per week is required if you want to be in love. That is a primary need in marriage. It is the only way a couple can fall in love and stay in love. It should be spent meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

I would lay this out for her and paint the ugliest picture possible. Right now she is fantasizing about replacing you with the OM.. You will tie a knot in her tail if you tell her you will file on grounds of adultery and have the OM supeonaed into court to give sworn testimony about the affair. Let her know this will be very ugly because you will not cooperate.

And be sure and expose the affair to any children over the age of 4. Let them know that their family is being broken up over some loser who is having an affair with their mother.

I promise you this will give her second thoughts and ruin any fantasies she has of pursuing the OM. You will burst her bubble in a huge way.

Thanks for all of the good info. My kids are 3 and 7 (see my Sig). The POSOM is 1000 miles away, which made this all easier. Unfortunately, he's divorced from a cheating wife (oh the irony!).

Right now she seems h_ll bent on working on our finances until it is easier for us to divorce, which would be about 6 months. I guess for me the biggest thing is when is a good time to present the plan? I almost think she would laugh at me or tell me she doesn't care to do that, at least in her current state of mind. Just do it anytime? Or wait until she's more approachable with it? She says she'd rather be alone than with me in her current fog babble.

Thanks!

I would go ahead and present it to her now. She will laugh at first, but you will also be planting a seed. She needs to know there is a plan to create a happy marriage or she will have no reason to believe there is any hope. Give her a plan.

I would also tell your 7 year old all about her affair. Since she plans on wrecking his family, he needs to know WHY it is being wrecked. Dr Harley is adamant that children over 4-5 are told the truth.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Thanks for all of the good info. My kids are 3 and 7 (see my Sig). The POSOM is 1000 miles away, which made this all easier. Unfortunately, he's divorced from a cheating wife (oh the irony!).

Right now she seems h_ll bent on working on our finances until it is easier for us to divorce, which would be about 6 months. I guess for me the biggest thing is when is a good time to present the plan? I almost think she would laugh at me or tell me she doesn't care to do that, at least in her current state of mind. Just do it anytime? Or wait until she's more approachable with it? She says she'd rather be alone than with me in her current fog babble.

Thanks!

Have you talked to your kids?
You need to tell them that you love mommy and mommy loves another man more than daddy and wants to break up our family.

Thanks for all of the good info. My kids are 3 and 7 (see my Sig). The POSOM is 1000 miles away, which made this all easier. Unfortunately, he's divorced from a cheating wife (oh the irony!).

Right now she seems h_ll bent on working on our finances until it is easier for us to divorce, which would be about 6 months. I guess for me the biggest thing is when is a good time to present the plan? I almost think she would laugh at me or tell me she doesn't care to do that, at least in her current state of mind. Just do it anytime? Or wait until she's more approachable with it? She says she'd rather be alone than with me in her current fog babble.

Thanks!

OK. I have no idea why my post kept re-posting while I was sleeping last night. That's a little creepy!

In any case, I haven't told my son yet. Both kids clearly know something is up and they have tried to get us to do thins together. I had intended on telling my son once a resolution to all of this was known.

As to the plan, I would imagine I also want to layout what she can expect in return for doing this; i.e. A commitment from me to work together on our marriage? I assume this should be a face-to-face, perhaps with the plan on paper?

Thanks again, and hopefully this will only post once!

Well, Falcon... I would say you are off to a strong start, sir.

In fact, you have been doing damn fine.

For one, you might order Surviving an Affair from the site here (in fact, if you write in to the Radio Show with your story, you might get a touch of free advice, and a free book to boot! I recently got HNHN and HNHNfP for a question I mailed in!)

Get the book, read it, and leave it out in the wide open for her to see (if you are lucky, curiosity will get the best of her and she will pick it up!).

Now, she will have some kind of withdrawal period here, as you have seen. Continue as you have been - be active with the kids, invite her along. Do your best to show some affection, make some suggestions for nights out. You want to sell the marriage you will create from here out. Let me repeat myself; you will be creating a new marriage from here out. YOU WILL BE CREATING A NEW MARRIAGE FROM HERE OUT.

Get a haircut, keep shaved up. Dress nice, look nice, smell nice.


Not sure what TAM is, but I would buckle down to one program/series of books for now. I think you will find that this one is not just effective, but simple. Better to be a master of one trade than a jack of all, master of none.

In the interim, familiarize yourself with the basic concepts;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Thanks for the advice. Right now she doesn't really want me touching her, which is hard enough as it is. Any advice on showing affection in that kind of situation?

I need to get the book. I looked on Amazon to the Kindle version, only to find out it's not currently available in Kindle format. So, but it I will. Any advice on when this site should be part of the conversation? I'm sure there are varied thoughts on this.

Thanks again.

falcon, i am going through a similar situation in that WW doesnt want me touching etc so trying to show affection is hard as well, have a read through the latter stages of my thread

Thanks. You know what I am going through, by the talk on your thread. I need to just keep being around her, talking when possible, and trying to get her to do activities with me. I think I will need to use the kids as bait a good bit until she starts feeling comfortable being with just me again.

Update: I have our renewal plan written up for me to give her both verbally and physically. My dad is going to watch the kids this Saturday late afternoon/early evening so that we can go over our budget (she moved her paycheck to a separate account and wants to know how much money to put back into the joint to pay bills - another move of hers that lacks knowledge). I will use that opportunity to have a dinner with her, then I intend to go over her 2 choices; marriage renewal or divorce.

I will spell out, in detail, what is likely to happen in D, as FL's laws dictate most of this, but also give deference to the faithfull spouse over the cheater when it comes to kids and support. She will also learn that she is just as responsible for our debts as me, and that money she must pay out will be determined by her earnings potential, so just quitting and bolting wouldn't work; i.e. She's's stuck staying local and in her job, unless she can find equivalent pay elsewhere. She's in for a rude shock as I believe she thought she could just take off with the kids. Yeah...that ain't happening. Then I will present the renewal plan as her other choice. I plan to make it explicitly clear that this is not reconciliation or recovery, but a new marriage. One far better and stronger than the one that left her vulnerable to the affair.

I imagine she won't be very receptive for now, but she was crying last night (eating Ice Cream for comfort) and then asked about emails from her parents. She wanted to see them, which she hasn't earned from me, and asked what they said. I was only very generic and general about them being concerned. She asked again this morning and I only added that they noted they don't even remember this guy (who she says they knew but always disliked - I think she's making things up in her fog land). Nothing more. It appears to me that her parent's displeasure with what she is doing is really hitting home now. Looks like signs of sure withdrawal as the reality, and pain, of what she has done is sinking in.

If anyone thinks differently or has any suggestions, please let me know. I think I'm on the right path with her now. When I am able to just sit with her, talking or not, we seem to be getting along pretty well. She now laughs with me easily, but she still has that mean b__ch mode come out from time to time.

Thanks again for the help and advice.

Brace yourself for a rollercoaster. You are about to set it fully in motion.
I like your approach.

Falconrap,
When you share the 2 options, make sure you present marriage renewal first so she gets the positive one first. Spend more time on that and the divorce option should be clear but don't drag it out or it comes across as revenge. She made a mistake and can fix it and earn your trust and her family's trust too, if she works at recovery. I hope her parents have made it clear that in a divorce they will be on your side.
The "I was never happy" line is justification for looking elsewhere. Help remind her of the happy times. What have you enjoyed before that you can do again? Do them again.
dan

Thanks for both replies. I hadn't thought of presenting the renewal plan first, but I like the idea. One of the things we really enjoyed doing together was just going out for a good dinner and talking. We we able to do that the night before I found out that she had met up with the guy. I'm hoping dinner will happen and be a positive experience with her. I think I will remind her of the good times we had in the past doing things we enjoyed doing together (bicycling, roller blading, just walking together). As we got busy, kids...gotta love 'em, these things became luxuries that we failed to make time for.

At her current state, getting her to do anything with me is tough, but I'm going to keep sticking my nose under the tent and trying. I'll keep doing things with the kids and letting her know she can come along. And I'll keep sitting near her to make myself available for small talk. Bit by bit, I guess.