Yeah...it would be a sucker bet for sure! All the things she has said to me are the exact same things I've seen from the wayward scripts here. But she thought he was the "one" and "always has". Yeah, and she "settled" for me and "took a chance" on me. Uh huh. Sure you did. I guess one thing that took me by surprise, but shouldn't have, is the blocking of positive memories, or memories that would have reminded her of how much she cared about me.

One powerful memory she blocked out was from about a year and a half after our son was born and I became frustrated with her one morning because she had kept holding back sex, likely due to the 20 lbs she put on and couldn't get off. She started weeping and asked if I was going to divorce her. To which I told her, no, that I had no intention of that. I was just frustrated because I loved her and still wanted her. When we had a discussion about all of this, she had no memory of that moment. And there are others. Amazing what the wayward mind will do to shield them from reality.

My wife had an affair with a OM that was married. When it was exposed they went underground. OM wife divorced him over my wife refused to agree to MB recovery so I divorce her. They live together now.
And my ex wife had that same desperation. He dumped her before exposure once, after I confronted him and I saw the phone records she would try to call him at 2 am!
It really is sad how desperate they become.
It reminds me when I used to smoke. If I didn't have cigarettes (when I was a teenager) I would find butts on the ground and smoke them. Desperate acts to feed addiction.

falcon --

Its not surprising that your wife is surpressing happy memories.
Maybe to you....but not to us. We are accustomed to seeing a complete rewrite of marital history.

She can't cling to happy memories - because they don't jive with being "always unhappy". She's written a new history - one in which she settled for you, while secretly waiting for her one-true-love-OM to find her again. ( )

Its all a bunch of garbage - and once she de-fogs and comes around to MB, she will be embarressed by her drama.

You really really really will need to get rid of that cousin....

Karma,

That link is broken.

Will this work? What you will get when you marry your affair partner.

I really wish I could get the wench out of the picture. She's a failure with men, so her advice to my WW sucks. Don't really know what more I can do. Plus her co-worker is an enabler as well, though not to this level. Such is the life in the information age!

Ok. Curious on folks' thoughts on the following. Before I read His Needs; Her Needs, I read the 5 Love Languages. It's generally compatible, but a little more general, in terms of the emotional needs. I loaned my WS the kindle version of the book before I exposed (or even new to expose) and she accepted and apparently read it enough to at least be interested in the concepts. Apparently she just decided to take the Love Languages test, again similar to the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, but greatly simplified. In and of itself, I wonder what that means. But I digress. She told her co-worker, when asked if she did it for me, "Oh hell no" but that she scored highest for physical touch and quality time was second (which I thought would be first). This would be similar to affection and a combination of conversation and recreational companionship.

What is odd, and really makes me wonder exactly what set her off on the affair, is that I was always trying to provide physical touch and affection to her. I always thought the quality time was the area that might have been what made her feel un-loved, even though I would regularly listen to her and wanted to spend time with her. So I'm curious what those of you here, that have seen it all, think of this. Of course, she's not really letting me touch her right now, so affection is kind of out of the question. Makes me wonder if her long term self-esteem issues are really the core driver for her behavior and not really anything I did (I'm talking in terms of the state of our marriage, not blaming myself for the actual A).

As I have mentioned, I believe the fact that she was cheated on twice before, was very concerned about her weight, and the possibility she thought I would cheat on her may have been THE reasons she went this route. Thoughts? Not really try to grasp at anything. I'm just trying to unwind this ball of string and see what really drove the A. Can't fix it something if I don't understand why it's not working is my thought here.

Absolutely none of those things justify cheating. In fact you'd think being cheated on would make her LESS likely to cheat.

It may have made her feel admired or something, which is a reason she might use, but it is in no way justifying.

What are you doing to meet her EN? Have you committed any love busters?

Have you read this?
What to Do With An Unfaithful Wife #1

Not yer, but I just opened the page to read it. She won't let me touch her right now. But I was always the one to try and touch her and provide her with affection, as it's my number 2 EN behind SF. Ironically I scored the same top two Love Languages as her.

This is what is really confusing to me. Generally I accept the fact that the state of marriage leaves the WS vulnerable to affairs. They, of course, are responsible for that mess, but the state of the marriage is a share of mine and hers. The fact that I think I was actually filling her top needs, at least in those terms, is interesting, hence my questions. I'm starting to think that there is nothing I could have really done, in terms of EN's, to stop this, as I'm thinking this goes back to her deep seeded self-esteem issues. Any thoughts on this aspect? I suspect what she will really need is professional help with her esteem to break this cycle.

To the question of LB's., I'm sure there were a few from both of us, especially with our house and some other things, but I was constantly affectionate with her and I listened often, but did tend to try to interrupt and "solve" her problems, though not all of the time.

Perhaps the LB's might have been the driver, though I really don't recall there being that many, at least from me. She probably had more, especially when it came to SF, which goes back to her esteem issues.

Therapy will not do her any good for stopping her having an affair. She had poor boundaries and those holes will have to be plugged. Sure, you can work on self-esteem. But even those who think well of themselves have affairs.

WW is 50% responsible for the state of the marriage before the A, and 100% responsible for the affair. It was a CHOICE she made. You may not have gotten your needs filled properly, but did you go out and have an affair? Nope.

Sure you had LBs. And you are fixing those. But that doesn't have much to do with her deciding to have an affair.

X2 to what Karma said.

Is there anyway your parents will talk to enabling cousin and tell her that she needs to stay out of your M? Your in-laws are good to keep in the support for your M.

Also have you changed her contact information?

Can you make plans for a weekend getaway? Dr. H is big on the couple getting away.

Have you told your DS7 yet? You're doing a great job following MB.

I've told her parents about the cousin, but they don't think they can have any impact on her. The MIL did talk with the mother of the cousin, but being a divorcee herself, she was all in with the cousin. I might tell the FIL what the cousin has mentioned about him and that I really need her to back off.

Right now she hasn't been in contact with the OM since exposure (3 weeks this weekend), so she is going through withdrawal right now. Unfortunately, she isn't ready to go running around with me yet. I'm working it though.

This matching Love Languages thing really has me scratching my head, though. I really didn't expect her to basically score the same as me. There has to be some other EN's involved.

Well so you know affection and IC are two of her top. What other ways of affection are you doing besides touching?

What was she getting from OM?

I took a class on the Love Languages and still don't understand it.
Marriage builders has a much better system.
You can download and Emotional Needs worksheet and identify her top emotional needs.

Already have the forms downloaded and ready for when she is willing. The Love Languages is just a more simplified, more general version of the Marriage Builders program. Chapman believes that if you start with the top need, you build love back up. Similar to finding the top 1-3 EN's and trying to work on those to fill the love bank.

Has she written the no contact letter?

I guess I don't know what else I can do in this area. What do you do for affection with the WS doesn't want you to touch them and as been avoiding going out with you? I have been getting some quality time in, but she tends to go into her little world of FB and iPhone.

Suggestions are greatly appreciated!

You need not to focus on the love Languages.
You need to use Surviving An Affair as your guide.

No. She's been NC'd by the OM for the reasons mentioned earlier. I am sitting down with her this weekend to go over her options in detail, and present a more formal plan than what I have stated in bits and pieces. I have the terms typed up in a document, I have SAA sitting in my room ready to be handed to her to read, and I have the various MB forms downloaded ready to go whenever/if she chooses to follow the MB plan. I had hoped to give her a more formalized plan last weekend, but timing with the kids screwed things up and I would have had to do this at around 11 at night when I had spent the day walking all over the place with the kids, and then later mowing the yard. Me + tired = me saying stupid stuff. So this weekend it is.

I don't think she's gone through withdrawal enough to consider an NC yet, but she could surprise me. I still don't know what to make of the timing of her doing that Love Language test. That was my idea and not the OM, and she hasn't been in contact with the guy in 3 weeks.