I see what you are saying. I think Ship does, too.

I believe he is very willing to learn. He has demonstrated this with the changes he is making in our marriage.

He is very observant of me and asks questions. He even asked me yesterday if he had hurt my feelings because of the way I guess I looked while driving the car. I was bothered by something and was surprised that he noticed because I was not trying to bring it to the forefront at that moment. I appreciate that he is reading me so well. We discussed my concerns and he validated them well.

He also asked me today what I was doing on the computer when he came home for lunch, and I said I was updating on MB. He asked what was wrong because I didn't look very happy.

I was surprised again because I didn't think it showed that I was upset. This time I'm just upset that we are in such financial need, and I'm in prayer on and off all day asking for a breakthrough.

He was supportive of my concerns and gave me several hugs and kisses.

I think things are going better. I think he has been attentive and open.

I think these last few revelations about the true state of our marriage has shaken us both up. I think we are both willing to do the work.

Were you O&H and told him why you were upset, about the finances? What did he say?

ETA: I saw he hugged you, but what did he say?

Do y'all think having Admiration as a top need can be a challenge when receiving criticism?

If so, that has definitely been the case with me AND Ship.

In my previous posts I would ask why my whole world seemed to cave in when Ship complained...now I think I know.

But now I have the perspective that a complaint is an opportunity to improve rather than a blaring neon sign over my head calling me a failure.

It still bothers me some when Ship complains because I'm trying so hard. I think Ship also feels he is trying very hard.

For those with a high need for Admiration, is there a better way to present criticism?

Yes, I was honest. There have been long discussions on how we can handle this problem. We feel it has been a battle that is taking years and years to overcome...but we will overcome it.

He didn't respond to me with anything other than a hug because he had already been talking with me via text this morning. I know how he feels about it. He is upset that we are in this situation and he is doing everything he can to get his resume out there and apply. That is why he wants to do the training in MI so his resume looks better.

This is not an "Oh I wish Ship had a better job" situation. This is a "We need a better job for Ship or we will sink financially" situation.

He is feeling hurt and frustrated that he has not been able to provide for us like he wants to...and he even feels angry about it. I know how he feels because we've talked about it.

This time he just hugged me.

Not at all. It is my top need.

Criticism is: you are a [censored] for doing this to me!!

A properly worded complaint would be: it really hurts me when you do this or that

As a person with high Admiration needs, I am GRATEFUL to receive the latter because I love my husband and need to know if there is an opportunity for improvement. A complaint is an irriation in a bad marriage and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage.

ship should WELCOME your complaints because they are a gauge of what he is doing wrong. And he does CARE about what he is doing wrong, right?

If he doesn't care, then you have bigger problems here.

I see MelodyLane.

So a criticism is basically a DJ. A complaint is just being O&H using respectful dialogue, correct?

I believe Ship cares VERY much about what he is doing wrong...so much that he is trying very hard to do what is right. And then when he still receives communication from me that he isn't quite getting it right, he feels completely dejected and like "crap" as he has put it.

I feel there is a lot going on in the self-worth department. I wonder if Ship realizes he really is good enough.

He really can get a job that will provide well for us. He really can show me care in a way that speaks to my heart. He really can be a great father and husband.

He can and he IS, but I think he doubts it. Any communication from me that feeds his fears only sends him spiraling further down, I believe.

Even so, I will continue to be honest with him about how I'm feeling and I will show him care and validate his concerns.

He needs to learn to view this rationally. If he very much wants to get it right, then he can't very well do that if you don't tell him when he gets it wrong. He needs to stop viewing this as a condemnation and view it as an opportunity to be a better husband. That is HOW he gets it right!

People don't improve and become their very best if they don't guage their performance and make course corrections when necessary.


He will feel more worthy if he welcomes constructive criticism because it will help be a better husband.

Thanks MelodyLane.

I have noticed that as we are moving together emotionally that my ENs are changing. I haven't retaken the questionnaire, but I'd venture to say that Affection is now either #1 or #2.

Very frustrated right now.

It's about Ship's family...again. Every year we go on a big family trip (19 people this year). This year we hosted a staycation so we could save money for next year and take a trip to Costa Rica. Ship's parents foot the bill for everyone.

There have been 2 solid years of me complaining about the LBs his family commits against me, so now he is bringing up the fact that I've threatened not to even go on such trips due to the disrespect I have felt.

Ship said, "Did you tell them you might not even be going (to Costa Rica?)" And I said, "Do you mean WE might not be going?"-- I thought he was talking this way due to our finances since we'd have much to pay for just to get to Costa Rica (passports, etc.)

He reminded me of how many times I've said I'd rather be somewhere else than be near them, etc. So since I have been helping them plan the trip he said something to the effect that I was taking advantage of his parents since I don't even want to be around them.

I am really hurt. I do love his family. I enjoy seeing them all laugh together and banter back and forth. But a LB is a LB. As much as I enjoy them, the LBs hurt, and I've been trying to talk to Ship about this for years. I thought he was starting to "hear" me, but obviously he is taking my complaints and making it an all or nothing type of thing.

I'm disappointed that he has not understood me. Of course I'd like to go to Costa Rica and enjoy watching my family have a good time on an unforgettable trip.

I feel like he has DJed me big time here, and it felt like a slap in the face.

Does he do this to "get back at me?" He has admitted to me that he does that sometimes.

I'm very hurt.

Are you planning to go on the trip?

Are you planning to do this whether they disrespect you or not?

I guess it has been me that has made things all or nothing in the past...i.e. wanting to leave town because they were IN town!

That was a product of not really knowing how to handle the SDs. Ship has not always been supportive of my feelings when it comes to his family's wishes, so I've seriously considered not being around them at all.

But I thought Ship and I were building a safe haven. I have been feeling like we are a team now, so the prospect of facing issues with his family didn't seem so daunting to me.

Based on his recent comments, I am still feeling a Me Vs. Them vibe.

I was seriously considering going. It wasn't a done deal, but I figured having our own hotel room (usually we share one large house) that I'd have a place to go back to and be on my own if I need to.

I don't EXPECT them to be disrespectful, and I actually don't think they realize they are demanding. I just think it can definitely happen based on the past. I thought I could handle it...especially with Ship as a support.

Ship and I worked this one out that very night. I stewed on it all day (not on purpose) and realized how upset I was once Ship got home. When I discussed it with him I made my own DJs ("I THOUGHT we were on the same team, but I guess not." etc). He said he would probably consider my interaction with him as an AO even though I wasn't yelling. I definitely wasn't happy.

Anyway I finally got it across to him that there were 2 parts to his comment. The first part about me saying I'd rather not be around them if they are going to LB is true. I don't have a problem discussing this with Ship.

What really hurt was his DJ that I was being manipulative. I think he understood after I separated the 2. I'm very open to discussing ANYTHING with Ship...just don't add a judgement about my motivations or heart in the matter.

He apologized, and I apologized and we ended it well.

It was ugly, and it hurt. But I'm proud of us for working through it so quickly.

We have about 8.5 weeks until my due date. Tonight we are touring the new hospital that opened near us last month. When I asked Ship if we could make this evening a date, he texted "Sure, my beautiful baby maker!"

Make sure you look super-sexy tonight, and have a good time after the tour!

Hope you're doing ok Anointed. Were you on the radio recently? I was wondering if that was you...

Miss ya!

Hi Zhamila!

No, I haven't been on the radio. I have kindof backed off of the forum but not from MB concepts. I am 2-6 weeks from delivering this precious girl, and I've had my hands full getting prepared.

We still struggle getting enough UA time, and SF is more of an issue now than ever due to the complications I've had during this pregnancy.

However, I am feeling VERY cared for by Ship. During the night, he wakes up to check on me and often asks me how I am doing. He asks how I feel about this or that, and he is avoiding LBs. He has also taken over the majority of disciplining our children, and I truly feel covered and cared for. The house is much more peaceful when Daddy is in charge!

He listens to me. He is affectionate.

We still need more UA time, no doubt. This is priority for me...just been very physically down with this pregnancy. We are doing the best we can right now.

Still looking for more income. That's still a biggie.

Thanks for checking in, and thank you all so much for the support. I still check in on everyone here and there...just don't log in.

I am glad you're doing well, Anointed, and taking care of yourself. I'm also happy you are feeling cared for by your H.



I'm excited for your baby girl - so sweet! I'm feeling the baby bug biting...I need to go find a baby to snuggle!

Thanks for checking in. Tell Ship good job